0451471075 (N)
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #Author, #Biography & Autobiography, #Nonfiction, #Personal Memoir, #Retail
Other Titles by
New York Times
Bestselling Author
JEN LANCASTER
Bitter Is the New Black
Bright Lights, Big Ass
Such a Pretty Fat
Pretty in Plaid
My Fair Lazy
If You Were Here
Jeneration X
Here I Go Again
The Tao of Martha
Twisted Sisters
New American Library
Published by the Penguin Group
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New York, New York 10014
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A Penguin Random House Company
First published by Signet, an imprint of New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) LLC
Copyright © Altgeld Shrugged, Inc., 2015
Photos courtesy of Jen Lancaster except as follows: photos on pages 82, 133 (lower right), and 174 courtesy of J. B. Fletcher; photo on page 95 courtesy of Melissa Broder; and photo on page 133 (upper right) courtesy of Chris Scott.
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REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:
Lancaster, Jen, 1967–
I regret nothing/Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-698-16698-1
I. Title.
PS3612.A54748I2 2015
813'.6—dc23 2014042354
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences and the words are the author’s alone.
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Contents
4.
I
S
I
T
C
LICHÉ TO
S
AY
I
’M
C
HECKING
I
T
T
WICE
?
7.
I D
ON’T
B
ELIEVE IN
P
ETER
P
AN
, F
RANKENSTEIN
,
OR
S
UPERMAN
10.
N
OT THE
B
ULLSHIT
, J
UST THE
G
OOD
S
HIT
12.
T
HE
R
ECORD
S
HOWS
I T
OOK THE
B
LOWS
21.
S
EE
Y
OU IN
H
ELL
, B
ETTY
S
PAGHETTI
For Tau Delta Beta, because we were in the shit,
and for Ed Lover, for providing the backspin
For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: “It might have been!”
—John Greenleaf Whittier
The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or regret it but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.
—Mick Jagger
My biggest regret . . . is that I didn’t hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance.
—Denis Leary
1.
I
T’S
N
OT
S
PRING
B
REAK
, O
KAY
?
“Don’t get a tattoo.”
I glance over at my husband, Fletch, who’s grudgingly agreed to ferry me to the airport at this ungodly hour. We left the house so early that it’s still basically night outside, with only the palest streaks of pink on the eastern horizon. In the dimness of the driver’s seat, his features are barely illuminated by the dashboard lights. Still, even in the dark, I can detect his smirk and I’m aggravated. “How do you figure tattoos are likely with this crew?”
“Because you’re going on Adult Spring Break.” He says this all matter-of-factly, as though it’s already a fait accompli and the artist will begin inking as soon as I decide between the shoulder tat of Calvin whizzing on a Chevy logo or the rainbow-hued butterfly across my butt cheek.
I’d choose neither, obviously.
(Sidebar: I’d especially not choose the butterfly. To keep proportionate with the rest of the real estate back there, that thing would have to be the size of a pigeon, which . . . no.)
Anyway, I don’t want to lose my patience with him because
he’s doing me a favor. Still, I’m offended he feels he has to issue warnings. “If this trip’s considered Adult Spring Break, then I’m pretty sure we’re doing it wrong. Julia had us all read
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
in anticipation of our trip. No one delves into what critics call ‘a lyrical work of nonfiction’ to get ready for Spring Break.”