Read 0451471075 (N) Online

Authors: Jen Lancaster

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0451471075 (N)

Other Titles by
New York Times
Bestselling Author

JEN LANCASTER

Bitter Is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

Pretty in Plaid

My Fair Lazy

If You Were Here

Jeneration X

Here I Go Again

The Tao of Martha

Twisted Sisters

New American Library

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) LLC, 375 Hudson Street,

New York, New York 10014

USA | Canada | UK | Ireland | Australia | New Zealand | India | South Africa | China

penguin.com

A Penguin Random House Company

First published by Signet, an imprint of New American Library,

a division of Penguin Group (USA) LLC

Copyright © Altgeld Shrugged, Inc., 2015

Photos courtesy of Jen Lancaster except as follows: photos on pages 82, 133 (lower right), and 174 courtesy of J. B. Fletcher; photo on page 95 courtesy of Melissa Broder; and photo on page 133 (upper right) courtesy of Chris Scott.

Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:

Lancaster, Jen, 1967–

I regret nothing/Jen Lancaster.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-698-16698-1

I. Title.

PS3612.A54748I2 2015

813'.6—dc23 2014042354

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences and the words are the author’s alone.

Version_1
Contents

Also by JEN LANCASTER

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

 

1.
I
T’S
N
OT
S
PRING
B
REAK
, O
KAY
?

2.
T
HE
T
AO OF THE
D
O

3.
I A
M THE
O
NE
W
HO
K
NOCKS

4.
I
S
I
T
C
LICHÉ TO
S
AY
I
’M
C
HECKING
I
T
T
WICE
?

5.
S
HE’S THE
M
AN

6.
D
IVORCE
I
MMINENT

7.
I D
ON’T
B
ELIEVE IN
P
ETER
P
AN
, F
RANKENSTEIN
,
OR
S
UPERMAN

8.
W
E
B
E
R
OLLIN’

9.
L
IVING
L
A
V
IDA
M
ARTHA

10.
N
OT THE
B
ULLSHIT
, J
UST THE
G
OOD
S
HIT

11.
I
TALIAN FOR
D
OUCHE
B
AGS

12.
T
HE
R
ECORD
S
HOWS
I T
OOK THE
B
LOWS

13.
W
hat’s
M
y
R
ule
?

14.
S
PRING
F
EVER

15.
P
ARCHI E
R
ICREAZIONE

16.
S
orry
I
’m
N
ot
S
orry

17.
J
ULIA
R
OBERTS
L
IED TO
M
E

18.
U
GLY
A
MERICANS

19.
I
L
C
AVALLO

20.
R
UN FOR
Y
OUR
L
IFE

21.
S
EE
Y
OU IN
H
ELL
, B
ETTY
S
PAGHETTI

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

For Tau Delta Beta, because we were in the shit,

and for Ed Lover, for providing the backspin

For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: “It might have been!”

—John Greenleaf Whittier

The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or regret it but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.

—Mick Jagger

My biggest regret . . . is that I didn’t hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance.

—Denis Leary

1.

I
T’S
N
OT
S
PRING
B
REAK
, O
KAY
?

“Don’t get a tattoo.”

I glance over at my husband, Fletch, who’s grudgingly agreed to ferry me to the airport at this ungodly hour. We left the house so early that it’s still basically night outside, with only the palest streaks of pink on the eastern horizon. In the dimness of the driver’s seat, his features are barely illuminated by the dashboard lights. Still, even in the dark, I can detect his smirk and I’m aggravated. “How do you figure tattoos are likely with this crew?”

“Because you’re going on Adult Spring Break.” He says this all matter-of-factly, as though it’s already a fait accompli and the artist will begin inking as soon as I decide between the shoulder tat of Calvin whizzing on a Chevy logo or the rainbow-hued butterfly across my butt cheek.

I’d choose neither, obviously.

(Sidebar: I’d especially not choose the butterfly. To keep proportionate with the rest of the real estate back there, that thing would have to be the size of a pigeon, which . . . no.)

Anyway, I don’t want to lose my patience with him because
he’s doing me a favor. Still, I’m offended he feels he has to issue warnings. “If this trip’s considered Adult Spring Break, then I’m pretty sure we’re doing it wrong. Julia had us all read
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
in anticipation of our trip. No one delves into what critics call ‘a lyrical work of nonfiction’ to get ready for Spring Break.”

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