17 & Gone (42 page)

the window. There are no shadows.

There are no voices. There is no flame-

haired visitor on the windowsill waving

an arm and giving the finger. There’s just

a perfectly normal girl with a boy in her

bed and a book on her lap and no hint of

what’s kept hidden away in her mind

where no one can see it. There’s a girl.

She’s 17, and she’s still here.

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AUTHOR’S NOTE

This novel evolved as I was writing, leading me to

discover what I was meant to be telling just as Lauren

discovers the truth of what she’s seeing amid the

scattered stories of the missing girls. So much of the

ultimate story for 17 & Gone stemmed from my own

research into experiences of teens living with mental

illness and the visions Lauren could be seeing and the

voices she could be hearing.

There is no single way to portray the symptoms or

experiences of a teenager facing early-onset

schizophrenia or any mental illness—and I can only

hope that my portrayal of Lauren’s story will come

across as distinct to her, and most of all respectful and

true.

If you are worried that you may have warning signs

or symptoms that might prove to be a mental health

problem, please consider reaching out and talking to

someone and getting help.

If you are thinking of running away or if you have

left home and don’t know how to go back, there are

resources that can help you and even assist in finding a

safe place for you to go.

He re are some re source s in the Unite d State s

that could be a life line whe n you ne e d one :

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):

A national grassroots organization providing

resources for teenagers and adults affected by

mental illness. www.nami.org • Information

Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI.

National Runaway Switchboard
: A toll-free

number to call if you’re thinking of running

away from home, have run away and want to

go back home, or have a friend you want to

help. www.1800runaway.org • 24-hour Crisis

Line: 1-800-RUNAWAY.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Free

and confidential support for anyone facing a

suicidal

or

emotional

crisis.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org • 24-hour

Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Safe Place:
A national youth outreach program

for teenagers and runaways who need a safe

place to go. nationalsafeplace.org • If you are in

trouble or need help, text SAFE and the location

where you are (street address/city/state) to

69866.

The Trevor Project:
A national crisis-

intervention and suicide-prevention organization

for LGBTQ youth. www.thetrevorproject.org •

Trevor Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am in awe of my editor, Julie Strauss-Gabel. I truly

can’t fathom how she is able to see the story I am

trying to tell and know exactly how to coax it out of me

before I’m even able to articulate it myself. With every

round of revision, Julie puts me through the paces and

inspires me to dig deeper and fine-tune and be clearer

—and through all this hard work she helps me

transform my ideas into something to be proud of. My

writing is far better thanks to her extraordinary talent,

and I know for a fact that this book was able to

emerge into what it was meant to be thanks to her

passion, attention, and skill. I wouldn’t be the writer I

am today without her.

Throughout the doubts and struggles and ensuing

madness that was the writing of this book, I have been

grateful to have my fantastic, dedicated literary agent,

Michael Bourret, at my side. He is the calming magic

to my anxious frenzy, and has talked me through so

many dramatic moments that I’m pretty sure I’ve lost

count. I am so lucky to have him in my corner and

grateful for his energy, honesty, and wisdom. This is

only our second book together, and I hope it’s just the

beginning.

From what I said above, you may have guessed

that this book was not easy for me to write. I look

back and it seems like I was working on it—or trying

to—constantly, in multiple locations, throughout the

past two years. This book was written and revised in

numerous significant places that all seem connected to

the story in personal ways maybe only I can see: The

very first words of the very first draft were written at

Yaddo (thank you, Yaddo staff and my fellow Yaddo-

mates, especially in West House, where we sometimes

shared a muse). A significant part of the first draft

was written at the MacDowell Colony, in Omicron

(thank you, MacDowell staff and my fellow colonists).

This book was continued in secret writing bunkers at

undisclosed locations and revised and revised and

revised back in New York City, and could not have

been finished without the space I found at the Writers

Room, Think Coffee, the Housing Works Used

Bookstore and Café, and other writing cafés scattered

throughout the Village. Thank you to each of these

places for putting up with me and letting me sit for

hours upon hours at your tables.

I am so grateful to Libba Bray for her belief in me,

her inspiration, and her guidance, and I am beyond

honored to have the words of an author I admire so

much on my book cover. I am still pinching myself that

she liked this book.

I am floored by the generosity of Courtney

Summers, who was there for me at so many moments

during the writing of these drafts, and whose advice

and support helped me make it to this point. I only hope

I can do the same for her.

Thank you, Penguin and Dystel & Goderich

Literary Management, for all you’ve done for my

books. I’ve been honored to be able to work with such

dedicated, passionate people, including Liza Kaplan,

Lauren Abramo, Steve Meltzer, Rosanne Lauer,

Elizabeth Zajac, Anna Jarzab, Emilie Bandy, Marie

Kent, Danielle Delaney, and each and every person

who touched my books in one way or another. As

someone who used to work in publishing, I know how

easy it is to feel unappreciated and crushed under the

deadlines, and I hope they know that this author is

astoundingly grateful.

I am also ever thankful for the support from the

fellow writers in my life, and especially want to

mention those who made an impact while I was writing

this particular book: David Adjmi, Tara Altebrando,

Joëlle Anthony, Bryan Bliss, Rachel Cantor, Cat

Clarke, Camille DeAngelis, Gordon Dahlquist, Gayle

Forman, Adele Griffin, Michelle Hodkin, Stephanie

Kuehnert, Nina LaCour, Molly O’Neill, Sigrid Nunez,

Laurel Snyder, Cheryl Lu-Lien Tan, McCormick

Templeman, Lorin Wertheimer, and Christine Lee

Zilka. And last but absolutely not least, Micol Ostow,

who has been such a huge support to me, since before

I even found YA fiction, that I will endlessly thank her

in every set of book acknowledgments I write. Thank

you also to my extended family and other mothers,

especially Ethel Wesdorp, for her enthusiasm and

willingness to go to so many of my book events.

And to my blog readers at distraction99.com: Your

support over the years as I went from a struggling

writer of literary fiction for adults to finding my place

here as a YA author has meant the world to me.

Thank you for reading and cheering me on along the

way.

My family is small, but so very supportive. My

brother, Joshua Suma, never wavers in his belief in me.

And my sister, Laurel Rose Purdy, has been there for

me through every low point, and to celebrate every

high point, and I can’t imagine my life without her.

My mom, Arlene Seymour, went above and beyond

when it came to this manuscript. Due to her own work

with MICA (mentally ill and chemically dependent)

clients at her clinic, as well as with schizophrenics

using art therapy, she became an essential resource

during the writing and research of this novel. She was

beyond generous with her time and attention in reading

this book, and helped steer me in the right direction

when it came to writing from Lauren’s perspective.

My mom is a true inspiration to me, a phenomenal

woman who I know has changed the lives of many, not

to mention her own, when she went back to school

when I myself was in college. She was always there

for me, while I was a teenager, and through to today.

It’s not an exaggeration to say I would be nowhere

without her.

My other half, Erik Ryerson, who I’ve been with

since I was eighteen, can surely see parts of himself in

Jamie. I don’t want to embarrass him by singing his

praises (too much), but he really gave his all for this

novel: He is the first reader for every single draft I

write, even if that means staying up until five in the

morning before one of my deadlines to do so, and it is

thanks to his inspiration, his imagination, his sacrifice,

and his belief in my writing that this book even exists at

all.

Also by Nova Ren Suma

IMAGINARY GIRLS

• Also by Nova Ren Suma
  
• Title Page
  
• Copyright
  
• Dedication
  
• Prologue
  
• Chapter 1
  
• Chapter 2
  
• Chapter 3
  
• Chapter 4
  
• Chapter 5
  
• Chapter 6
  
• Chapter 7
  
• Chapter 8
  
• Chapter 9
  
• Chapter 10
  
• Chapter 11
  
• Chapter 12
  
• Chapter 13
  
• Chapter 14
  
• Chapter 15
  
• Chapter 16
  
• Chapter 17
  
• Chapter 18
  
• Chapter 19
  
• Chapter 20
  
• Chapter 21
  
• Chapter 22
  
• Chapter 23
  
• Chapter 24
  
• Chapter 25
  
• Chapter 26
  
• Chapter 27
  
• Chapter 28
  
• Chapter 29
  
• Chapter 30
  
• Chapter 31
  
• Chapter 32
  
• Chapter 33
  
• Chapter 34
  
• Chapter 35
  
• Chapter 36
  
• Chapter 37
  
• Chapter 38
  
• Chapter 39
  
• Chapter 40
  
• Chapter 41
  
• Chapter 42
  
• Chapter 43
  
• Chapter 44
  
• Chapter 45
  
• Chapter 46
  
• Chapter 47
  
• Chapter 48
  
• AND THEN
  
• Chapter 49
  
• Chapter 50
  
• Chapter 51
  
• Chapter 52
  
• Chapter 53
  
• Chapter 54
  
• Chapter 55
  
• Chapter 56
  
• Chapter 57
  
• Chapter 58
  
• Chapter 59
  
• Chapter 60
  
• Chapter 61
  
• Chapter 62
  
• Chapter 63
  
• THREE MONTHS LATER
  
• Author’s Note
  
• Acknowledgments