7 Years Bad Sex (5 page)

‘See, like so.’ He angled the shell such that Casey could see. The look of horrified admiration on her face spurred him on. ‘You could add lemon juice or some other condiment.’ Alex pointed to the various accoutrements in the centre of the plate before continuing. ‘But purists prefer them
au naturel.
’

There. The moment of truth. Now he actually had to eat one. He swallowed hard to suppress the nausea rising in his throat.
Mind over matter, Alex.

‘Then,’ he continued quickly lest he lost his courage, ‘you use the wider end of the shell, and you slurp. Like so.’ Alex put the shell to his mouth and tipped back his head. The oyster slid into his mouth, and instinctively he chewed on it a couple of times. It was firm and gooey all at the same time. To his great surprise, it was a pleasant experience. An explosion of taste assaulted his senses; there was the sweetness of melon, the briny tang of the sea, and a hint of butter. He chewed once more and swallowed.

‘Wow! That was good.’ He took a deep breath and swallowed some more. Casey regarded him with her mouth wide open.

‘Here, try one.’ Alex prepared another oyster and proffered the shell.

‘Really?’

‘Really. Trust me. They’re delicious.’ Alex grinned. Casey was still doubtful.

‘I didn’t know you were the expert on oysters. In fact, I didn’t think you’d ever eaten any.’

Alex shrugged. ‘I hadn’t. But hey, who knows… If it helps…’ he winked at Casey, ‘… then it’s worth a shot, don’t you think? Besides, they really are delicious.’ He forced the proffered oyster into Casey’s hand, then took another one from the plate and slurped greedily. ‘Yum!’

‘Okay,’ Casey said uncertainly. ‘If you say so. Here goes…’

She put the shell to her mouth, tipped back her head, and slurped. She chewed a couple of times, and her face registered a range of emotions. A quiver of her lips suggested revulsion to begin with, but quickly her features softened, her eyes closed, and a tentative smile blossomed as she finally swallowed.

‘And?’ Alex prompted when Casey still hadn’t opened her eyes or commented on the experience after a small eternity. ‘How was it for you?’

At length, Casey responded. ‘It was all right.’

‘Only all right?’

‘Only all right. It’s a bit too salty for me. It’s like I imagine a piece of rock covered in seaweed would taste.’

‘Interesting comparison.’ Alex grinned. ‘Are you quite sure you don’t want to try another?’

Casey nodded. ‘Quite sure. But you go on, you have some more.’

Alex didn’t need an invitation. At the same time, he didn’t want to leave Casey eating nothing while he indulged, so he beckoned the waiter and ordered a basket of bread and some hot spicy prawns for Casey, alongside another bottle of champagne.

‘What luxury.’ Casey sighed contentedly as they quaffed the bubbles and polished off the food. ‘I’ll have to diet when we get back.’

‘Yeah, well, that’s tomorrow,’ Alex replied drily. ‘We’ll deal with that tomorrow. Tonight, we’re celebrating our marriage, in every sense of the word. And that’s a promise.’ He nudged his foot against Casey’s thigh under the table, and she chuckled.

‘I’ll hold you to that.’

‘Please do.’ Alex rolled his shoulders. He felt great. He felt confident. He was horny beyond belief. Those oysters were working miracles. This was going to be a successful night.

‘It’ll be the most spectacular ending to our honeymoon,’ he vowed.

Casey inclined her head, a familiar gleam in her eye. ‘I look forward to it. What are we waiting for?’

 

~Casey~

 

The engine of their little motor launch purred softly, but not loud enough to drown out the gentler sound of the waves. Casey snuggled into Alex’s arms and dangled her right hand over the side of the boat so that her fingertips caressed the surface of the water. She wished she could hold on to this moment forever.

Stars glinted in the clear sky above them, and she could see the fairy lights aboard their yacht twinkling a merry welcome. She was sad that their honeymoon was coming to an end.

‘Well,’ she mused quietly, ‘if I already feel nostalgic for a moment I’m still living, we must be having a really good time.’ She sighed contentedly and leaned her head against Alex’s shoulder. Gently but deliberately, she took her hand out of the water and placed it on Alex’s crotch. She expected to find a certain hardness there, but it seemed to be hiding momentarily. A low moan greeted her action.

‘Oh, Casey.’

‘Alex. Shh.’ Casey took his utterance for encouragement and stroked the general area where he liked to be aroused. More moaning rewarded her efforts, and she smiled to herself. This would really be a good night. They would make it, finally.

‘Casey.’ Alex’s voice was a low, hoarse rasp. He really was horny. Casey worked harder, feeling herself grow moist in anticipation. The yacht loomed large; only a couple more minutes, and they would reach their cabin.

‘Casey, stop. Please.’

It was the urgency in his words that halted her in her tracks rather the meaning itself. Shocked to the core, she removed her hand and sat back.

‘Alex? What’s the matter now?’ She didn’t manage to keep the hint of frustration out of her voice.
What could possess him to ask her to stop when the going was so good?

‘I—eurrrgh!’ Alex didn’t manage to explain himself, but he didn’t have to. Leaning violently to the left, he stuck his head over the side and heaved. And heaved. And heaved again.

Momentarily dumbstruck, Casey didn’t know what to do. She breathed deeply and willed herself to hold on to her own food. She caught the driver of the launch turning his head to figure out what was going on. He nodded his head in Alex’s direction and threw out a question. ‘Everything all right with you?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Casey replied.

‘Shall I keep going, or do you want me to turn back to the mainland?’

‘Keep going, please,’ Alex coughed before Casey could reply. He sat up unsteadily and wiped his mouth. Casey couldn’t be sure in the dim light, but she thought he looked somewhat green. Sweat beaded his brow, and flecks of sick had soiled his formerly white shirt.

‘Shit, honey, I’m sorry,’ he muttered. ‘I don’t know what came over me. I… euuuurgh!’

And off he went again.

Casey stroked his back and held his hand whilst he was in the grip of another bout of nausea.
A spectacular ending,
she thought philosophically.
But not what we expected
.

‘Oysters?’ the boatman’s voice piped up again from the front of the launch.

‘Yes,’ Casey replied wearily. ‘He had some oysters.’

The driver winced sympathetically. ‘First time, eh? With too much alco’ol, per’aps?’

‘Yes on both counts,’ Casey confirmed.

‘Ah oui. Better in the morning,’ the driver offered. ‘Et voilà. And ‘ere we are.’ He moored the launch against the yacht and deftly jumped aboard.

He offered his hand to help Casey climb onto the yacht, but she propped up Alex instead, making sure he got up the little ladder safely before clambering after him. When she arrived on deck, she found Alex swaying and holding on to the driver of the launch. The brighter light on the yacht confirmed that Alex’s face had indeed gone an interesting shade of green, and Casey knew that any hope of romance would be misplaced. She smiled ruefully, partly relieved and partly frustrated.

‘Come on, darling, let’s get you to bed,’ she offered gently. ‘Can you walk?’

‘I think so,’ Alex mumbled, looking distinctly unsteady. The slight rolling of the yacht didn’t help, and he lurched from side to side like a drunken sailor.

‘I bring you a bucket to the cabin?’ the driver suggested.

‘Yes, I think that would be a good idea,’ Casey replied gratefully, her mind turning over practicalities. Perhaps she would surrender the bed in its entirety to Alex and retreat to the sofa instead. There was love, and there was foolish love. And sleeping next to a husband who was liable to be sick at any moment definitely came under the heading of foolish love.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Alex whispered when he was safely tucked up in bed, a large bucket placed by his head. ‘I really thought we’d do it tonight.’

Casey smoothed the hair away from his forehead. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she smiled in the most supportive fashion she could muster. ‘Oysters, right? Not so much aphrodisiac as up-chuck-o-disiac.’

Alex burst out laughing. He held his stomach and groaned. ‘Please don’t crack any more terrible jokes, you’ll start me off again,’ he pleaded.

‘Sorry.’ Casey tried to look contrite. ‘I’m only glad I didn’t eat more of the slimy fellows.’

‘Rub it in, will you,’ Alex pouted. ‘I liked them. It appears they didn’t like me.’

‘Here, have a sip of water.’ Casey tried to steer the conversation into a safer direction. ‘You don’t want to get dehydrated on top of everything else. We’ve got to get home tomorrow.’

Alex obediently sipped at his drink. ‘I really am sorry. This wasn’t the ending to our honeymoon I’d envisaged.’

‘Hey, don’t sweat it,’ Casey grinned. ‘It was a great meal, and we had a lovely time. Tonight, and for the past three weeks. It was a fantastic honeymoon. Never mind the—’ She coughed and swallowed the rest of her sentence. But then she changed her mind and carried on blithely.

‘The little kinks and hiccups, the total lack of
action
—we’ll laugh about that when I’m in labour with our first child. In fact,’ she touched a forefinger to Alex’s nose in lieu of planting a kiss there, ‘at that point, we’ll probably wish we’d stuck with the inaction. You’ll see. Now get some rest, sweetheart.’

Alex closed his eyes and exhaled. ‘You really are the best, Casey.’

‘And you’re my star, Alex.’

Casey pulled the duvet up to Alex’s chin. She turned down the lights and installed herself on the sofa, where she read until she was certain that Alex was sleeping peacefully. Despite everything that had happened, she was feeling a little horny, and she debated giving herself some relief as she lay there in the darkness. But somehow, that felt wrong too, and she fell asleep considering the ins and outs of whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing, relationship-wise, for a newly married woman to pleasure herself.
At the end of the day, sex wasn’t everything. Right?

Chapter Four:

 

Powerless

 

~Alex~

 

‘Home at last.’ Alex took Casey’s hand as they disembarked from their plane at Heathrow. ‘Time to get back to normal.’

‘I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,’ Casey offered. ‘We had such a great time. Our honeymoon! A once-in-a-lifetime event—and now it’s over.’

‘We’ll have another honeymoon sometime,’ Alex promised her. ‘A renewal honeymoon before we get old and grey.’ He tried for levity, but Casey looked crestfallen.

‘Don’t say that! I don’t want to think about us as old and grey.’

Alex nudged his wife in the side. ‘Isn’t that rather the point of getting married? To grow old together?’

‘Sure. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it.’

Alex huffed, and it was Casey’s turn to nudge him. ‘I’m not looking forward to being old and grey, you oaf.’ She laughed. ‘I
am
looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.’

‘That’s all right then.’ Alex smiled.

They joined the queue for customs and soon found themselves in the Arrivals lounge at Heathrow’s Terminal 5.

Alex let out a deep, contended sigh at the familiar sight. ‘Home at last,’ he repeated.

It was true: they had had a great honeymoon. But the fact remained that they still hadn’t made love.

Alex gulped. His feet kept pace with Casey’s as they headed towards the taxi rank outside the terminal, but his mind was miles away.

What on earth had happened to him?
He felt deeply unsettled by his inability to satisfy the woman he loved. He simply couldn’t understand what was going on. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel excited. He got aroused. Horny.
Desperate
, even. He simply couldn’t perform.

And it wasn’t only him either. They hadn’t really talked about it, but he was certain that Casey, too, suffered from some sort of libidinal challenge. One time, he had very nearly managed to join her, but Casey’s body had been uninviting. She had been very embarrassed, and he had laughed it off, trying to be supportive in the same way she had loftily glossed over his floppiness at times. Still, if it wasn’t one of them, it was the other; and he suspected that most of the time it was
both
of them. All bluster and promise with no delivery.
Why?

After a few sleepless nights with no answers, he had pinned his hopes for resolving their stalemate on getting home and back to normal. He had it all planned out in his head. He would carry Casey over the threshold of their house, and then he would rip her clothes off and take her on the hall floor. Or maybe on the sofa in the lounge.
Perhaps on the kitchen table? They hadn’t done the kitchen table before.
He chuckled.

‘What’s so funny?’ Casey broke into his thoughts.

Alex replied before he could check himself. ‘I’m thinking about our kitchen table.’

‘Our kitchen table?’

‘Yeah. You know, we’ve never done it there.’

‘Ah.’ Casey sent him a knowing look. ‘Shall we get home then? I could do with a shower.’

‘Oh gosh, me too,’ Alex agreed hastily.

‘It’ll be dinnertime by the time we get home.’ Casey was making some kind of point. Alex checked his watch. Four p.m.

‘Yeah.’ He nodded.

‘Do you reckon you’ll be up to eating?’

‘I hope so.’

‘Good. Great! Although it’ll have to be a takeaway.’

‘Of course.’

‘Because we have no food in the house.’

‘Sure.’ Takeaway always appealed.

‘Unless you fancy going shopping?’

‘Oh no, takeaway is fine.’

‘How about Thai?’

Alex concealed a grin. There was an agenda there, he could tell. He played it cool. ‘Thai is fab.’

‘Great.’ Casey smacked her lips in an exaggerated fashion. ‘I fancy something with lots of ginger. And something with lots of chilli.’

‘Sounds like a plan.’ Alex wondered about the importance of ginger and chilli, but he didn’t get a chance to ask as it was their turn to grab a taxi. He entered into negotiations with the driver about their destination and fare, and they settled into the backseat, their luggage safely stowed in the boot.

Alex watched the familiar Heathrow landscape zip past them.

‘Amazing how this whole ritual of driving home from the airport really says “you’re home”,’ he commented. He could feel some lyrics churning in his brain, words forming to capture the emotions he was experiencing.

‘Very true.’ Casey leaned against his shoulder and switched her mobile phone on. It began to beep and chirrup instantly.

Alex chortled. ‘That also says “you’re home”. Perhaps we’d better emit a sign of life to friends and rellies.’ He switched on his own phone, which instantly jumped to life.

For the next forty-five minutes, while the taxi carried them towards their little terraced house in Notting Hill, Alex and Casey tapped away at their mobile phones.

Alex finished his round of calls first. Casey was still talking to Sasha, laughing, smiling, and gesticulating widely as though Sasha could see her. Actually, Alex realised with a start, they were doing a video call so, yes, Sasha could see Casey… and him. He waved.

Casey rolled her eyes in a good-natured way. ‘Ignore him, Sasha. He’s a bit preoccupied.’

‘Is he now?’ Alex heard Sasha’s response. He flashed her what he hoped was a confident smile and turned away to leave the friends to catch up. Here was his chance…

Surreptitiously, he hopped onto a search engine to satisfy his burning curiosity.
Why chilli and ginger?

Ah. Go figure.
Chilli and ginger were reputed to be natural ways to enhance one’s libido. Alex grinned. He and his wife were two of a kind, and their minds definitely worked in the same ways.

At last, the taxi pulled up in front of their house. Alex paid the driver and retrieved their suitcases. He struggled up the steps to their front door and barely managed to stop Casey from entering the house.

‘Casey, wait,’ he puffed and set down the cases heavily. ‘There’s something I’ve got to do.’

Casey turned back, both feet mercifully still on the outside. ‘And what’s that?’

‘It’s customary for the husband to carry his new wife over the threshold of their home, so…’ He swooped Casey into his arms. ‘Here goes.’

Casey squealed with glee and held on tight as he shuffled them both sideways into the hallway. Their Victorian terrace was narrow, and the front door wasn’t wide enough to accommodate an adult-sized body going through it lengthwise. So Alex jiggled and squeezed and hop-stepped inside amidst much laughing, and he was very proud of himself indeed. Another tradition honoured. He planted a kiss on Casey’s mouth before he set her down, and she replied hungrily.

‘Mmmmmm-mmmmmmh!’ she moaned, and Alex’s body instantly replied to her signals. He put his arms around her waist and held her tight. Perhaps he should simply kick the door shut and take her there on the floor after all.

For a few seconds, they remained locked in their passionate embrace, and Alex’s heart beat right in his throat. But then Casey wriggled free with an apologetic smile.

‘I really need the loo,’ she whispered, hopping from foot to foot. ‘So sorry!’

‘That’s okay.’ His voice came out all squeaky like that of a hormonal teenager, and Alex coughed to clear his throat. ‘No problem. I’ll get the cases in and make a cuppa, shall I?’

‘That would be lovely. You’re the best! I won’t be a minute.’

Casey hurried upstairs, and Alex retrieved their belongings from outside their front door.

‘Where do you want the suitcases, honey?’ he called out.

‘Oh. Good question. Leave them downstairs. I’ll put a wash on later.’ Casey’s voice emerged muffled from the upstairs bathroom.

‘The kitchen, then.’ Alex hauled the luggage into their open-plan kitchen-diner and piled it strategically near the washing machine. Next, he filled the kettle with water and switched it on. His mind was playing out ‘scenarios for later’ while he took two mugs out of the cupboard and added teabags and sugar. He had visions of visiting every room in the house, making love on the kitchen table, the sofa, the hall floor, the guest bed, the main bed—who knows, maybe even in the bath? He was dreaming up a romantic marathon, and he was raring to go.

He drummed his fingers on the kitchen counter as the kettle failed to boil, but that didn’t speed matters up. Impatient, he went to the fridge to get the milk. The very moment he opened the fridge door he remembered that there would be no food. He stared inside anyway, confused as to why it was so dark. At the same time, the complete lack of hissing and spluttering from the kettle finally registered in his brain, and he abandoned the fridge. The kettle was dead.

‘Alex?’

‘Hm?’

‘There’s no hot water.’ Casey stepped into the kitchen, her face the picture of dismay.

Alex straightened up. ‘Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with the kettle—’

‘Forget the kettle. I mean, there’s no hot water anywhere.’

‘Really? How come?’

‘How should I know?’ Casey snapped at him and looked immediately contrite. ‘Sorry.’

‘No worries. Let’s have a look at the boiler.’ Alex squared his shoulders. The boiler was his domain. They had pink jobs and blue jobs, and pink appliances and blue appliances. The washing machine was pink, which is why he had been wise to leave the dirty clothes in the suitcases. The boiler was definitely blue.

He opened the boiler cupboard and frowned. ‘The control lights are off.’

Casey meanwhile flicked on the switch for the ceiling lights. No lights came on. He heard her open the fridge door and close it again while he was still staring at the boiler, willing the little green lamp to glow. Then he heard her open the freezer door and gag. A vile smell instantly filled the room, and the freezer door slammed shut.

‘Eurgh.’ Casey retched. ‘We’ve no electricity. And everything in the freezer is completely spoiled. It’s revolting.’

‘We’ve no lecy?’ Alex echoed. ‘As in, there’s a power cut?’

‘I don’t know. It would have to be an awfully long power cut for all the food in the freezer to defrost. It must have been off for days.’

‘Hmm.’ Alex’s heart sank. Dealing with utility companies was also a blue job, so it would fall to him to figure out what had happened. But that wasn’t why he was frustrated. He was frustrated because once more his plans had been foiled. There was no way they would be getting romantic under the circumstances. He suppressed a sigh.

Really,
he raged silently as he leafed through their electricity bills in search of the emergency contact number,
someone up there has it in for us. What have we ever done to upset the god of love? Why can’t we just come home like normal people, get a takeaway, have a shower, and make mad passionate love?

‘Hey, chin up.’ Casey was philosophical about it. ‘We can still have that takeaway. And who knows? With a bit of luck, the power will be back on quickly and we can get on with things.’ There was a definite double meaning there, and she winked. Alex’s spirits lifted slightly. Perhaps Casey was right, and this would all be fixed quickly.

He started making phone calls and soon discovered that their house had somehow disconnected itself from the main electricity supply.