9 Letters (7 page)

I got the harness, and King
walked slowly over to me, his tail between his legs.

“Don’t give me those
sad eyes,” I said. “You need a stable home and some TLC
and I’m not the one who knows how to give it to you.”

But I wasn’t doing it for
his good, I was doing it for mine. I didn’t let myself linger
on that. I didn’t let myself think about what might happen if
no one took him after me.

The whole ride to the shelter, he
had his head out the window of the passenger seat, his tongue and his
ears flapping in the wind. He was acting like a good dog, trying to
win back my heart. Bastard.

I parked in the lot, went in with
King on the leash padding slowly behind me.

Some guy I didn’t know was
working the counter. Younger than me, looked bored. Maybe a high
school student, doing community service.

“Can I help you?” he
asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Is
Rae here?”

“Just a sec,” he
said, then ducked in the back. She came out a moment later, looking
distracted, but she smiled when she saw me.

“Hey there, Luke,”
she said. She remembered me. To be fair, it hadn’t been that
long since I’d come in. But still.

“My place is a disaster,”
I said. “Like, FEMA is going to stop by this afternoon, I
think. I’ll probably get one of those trailers, you know, that
you hear about.”

“What?” Rae asked,
looking confused. The other guy was laughing, but took the
opportunity to walk away.

“King, he trashed the place
while I was out at the store. Ate cushions and plants and everything.
Well, chewed them up.”

“He’s a dog,”
she said, twirling her hair and relaxing as she leaned over the
counter. “He’s scared. A new home, a new master. It’s
separation anxiety. He’s acting out.”

“Well I can’t handle
it,” I said. “It’s not working out.” I
couldn’t handle getting a dog. I couldn’t handle getting
better. I didn’t even want to get better. Easier to just stay
at rock bottom, you can’t fall again when you’re at rock
bottom.

“You can do this, Luke.”
Rae crossed her arms and grinned, that dimple coming out. “Put
stuff up out of his reach. Give him a safe spot to be when you’re
gone. Get him a crate.”

“What?” Suddenly,
King was my friend again, because he needed defending. “I can’t
put him in a cage,” I said, as though I wasn’t just about
to bring him back to the shelter.

“Alright,” she said.
“Then you’re just going to have to take him out with you
for awhile.”

“I can’t take a dog
with me everywhere,” I said. “I’ve got things to
do. People to see. A job, even.”

“Well, shit,” Rae
said. Her cursing caught me off guard.

“Shit?”

“You know you’re the
third person to bring King back? Never ‘cause he’s bit no
one, just because he got anxious and lonely. Yeah, he’s got
abandonment issues, but who doesn’t?”

It was like I hadn’t just
rejected King, I’d rejected her too. Thing is, I didn’t
want to reject her.

“I don’t know I’ve
got room in my life for all of that,” I said. “Maybe he
needs someone, but I’m not who he needs.”

When I’d walked in, Rae had
looked at me like I was about the best thing in Missouri. But telling
her I was going to leave King, it was like the shine faded out of her
hair, like the smile fell off her face. I held out King’s leash
but she just shook her head and set her jaw.

“I’m not trying to
guilt you or nothing, Mr. Cawley.” She’d gone formal.
“It’s just that, well, I think you’re selling
yourself short. And the thing is, when you sell yourself short,
you’re not the only one who that affects. Me, I’ve got to
do a lot of paperwork and I’ve got to go home tonight thinking
about yet another dog I didn’t help save. This dog ain’t
perfect, but none of us are. If it were me, I’d give him
another chance. He’s worth it. He just needs someone who
understands he’s been through a lot this past year and still
needs time to heal.”

“You said you’re
not
trying to guilt me?” I asked.

Rae sighed and looked King up and
down. She didn’t make a move to take the leash from me, even
though I was still holding it out. The dog’s tail wagged a few
times but then drooped back to the floor, as if he knew we were
discussing his fate. He glanced at me but I refused to meet those sad
eyes. Rae patted his head gently and gave me another scrutinizing
look. “How was he otherwise? He tore up your house, and you
can’t have that. But how was he otherwise?”

“He was doing a damn fine
impression of an outstanding dog, is what he was doing,” I
said. “We watched the game together, he slept on my bed.”

“Is that so?” she
said. “Sounds rough.”

I shook my head. “I can’t
do it.”

I set the leash on the floor and
backed toward the exit. Rae watched me, her expression unreadable.
When my hand touched the door handle, King stood up and trotted over
to me.

“No, King. You stay,”
I said.

But King just sat at my feet and
looked up at me expectantly, eyes darting between my face and the
door handle.

“Come on, King,” Rae
said. “Here.” But the dog didn’t move a muscle.

“You gotta stay here,
buddy,” I told him, setting a hand briefly on the top of his
head. His tail wagged, and he lifted his nose to sniff at my hand,
then nuzzled my palm with a brokenhearted whine. Rae suppressed a
grin. “Time to go,” I said, trying to keep my voice firm.

But when I reached for the door
handle again and pushed open the door just a crack, King tilted his
head back and let loose with a mournful howl, more of a melodic
baying than any kind of bark. That baying said one thing: Don’t
leave me.

I let the door close and turned
back toward the dog.

“Well how ‘bout
that,” Rae smiled. “Looks like he’s cast his lot
with you.”

He had, hadn’t he? I huffed
out a breath.

“Damn.”

I knelt down and stroked the
dog’s long, velvety ears while he gazed into my eyes with that
soulful stare of his. Rae cleared her throat. She knew she’d
won.

“Why don’t you get
him some chew toys, and take him out with you as much as you can? I
got a feeling this insecurity’s gonna pass. You can’t
show someone you’re going to love and care for them by taking
them for granted. What do you say?”

“Alright,” I said.

As soon as the word left my
mouth, Rae’s face opened up and she was smiling over at me and
it was like I was falling in towards her. When she was happy, I got
vertigo. All those happy brain chemicals just took over and I was
lost in bliss.

“Get out of my rescue, Luke
Cawley,” she said.

“Will do,” I replied,
scooping up King’s leash and opening the door again. But before
we stepped out, Rae’s voice came after me.

“Hey Luke, you want to hook
up sometime?” she asked. I turned around, probably looked
startled. Sometimes I’m smooth, sometimes I’m not. “I
mean, I could help you with King. At the dog park or something. You
get a dog tired enough, he won’t rip up the house.”

She smiled. Clearly this was a
professional courtesy she was extending, right? But I still couldn’t
help feeling like it might do me and King both some good to see Rae
again.

“I uh, lost your number,”
I said. Sounded a lot nicer than ‘I threw it away while I was
cleaning my house.’ I took out my phone. “I’ll just
put it into my phone this time. Rae, right? What’s your last
name?” I made a new contact.

“Goode,” she said.

I’d remember that. I didn’t
have the best memory, but I remember what’s important. I
decided I couldn’t let it be a sign, though. It was just a last
name. Totally wasn’t a sign. I’m too grown up to believe
in things like that.

I tapped in her number, texted
her so she had mine, then I reached down, pet King on the head once
more, and left the shelter with my dog in tow, feeling pretty good
after all was said and done.

That happiness didn’t last
too long, though. I was driving down the interstate and King had his
head out the window and life was feeling alright, until I thought
about those letters waiting on my table, until I thought about Emily.
I thought about Emily, and I started feeling guilty about flirting
with Rae and sleeping with Maggie. Then I started feeling guilty
about how rude I’d been to Maggie.

I had to leave Maggie, I knew
that. Maggie was actually fine, she was a great gal. Smarter than me,
probably. Cared about dumb stuff, and not really going anywhere good
with her life just yet, but she was smart and tough and she’d
figure out what was best for her on her own time. And then, knowing
Maggie, she’d go get it. The problem wasn’t Maggie
herself, it was that she and I shouldn’t be together.

Warren treated her like she was
his own daughter. She could do no wrong. And I was treating her like
trash, and that was wrong and I knew it. But there wasn’t a
relationship in our future; there wasn’t anything more than
sex.

Oh, the sex. It was hard, driving
down the road, not to think about the sex.

The first time we’d hooked
up was the day I’d come in to drop off my application, last
fall.

“You tend bar?” she’d
asked, looking over the lines I’d filled out.

“I could bounce,” I
said.

“Don’t need a
bouncer,” she said. “But I think Warren’s looking
for a third bartender so he doesn’t have to work much himself.”

“Could do,” I said.

“You’ve done it
before?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said, “my
sister-in-law’s parties.”

“Don’t write that on
your application,” she said. “Say you tended bar
somewhere out of town. Then read about it online and shadow me for a
week or two. Hardest part of this kind of work isn’t the work.
It’s the people that come in here every night.”

“Sure. I’m not going
to lie to get the job though,” I said.

A smile quirked her lips. “Fine.
Shadow me for a week or two, then hope to Jesus Christ the Lord
Almighty that Warren takes my word for it that you’re good
enough.”

“Okay,” I said,
because she was hot and I wanted to be close to her, and I needed a
job.

“Also, I’m about to
take my break, and I want to suck your dick.”

I stepped back. “Excuse
me?” I said. I must have misheard.

“You’re the hottest
thing I’ve seen in this place in a long time, and I’m all
for a man in flannel, and I just want to suck your dick. How’s
that suit?”

“All right,” I said,
because there wasn’t much else I could have said. She nodded to
Jake, who took over, and we went into the storeroom. She set a keg by
the door to keep anyone from getting in, and then crossed her arms,
grabbed her shirt by the waist, and pulled it up over her head. Yeah,
she was hot. I came towards her, reached around and unhooked her bra.
Her breasts were small and pert, her nipples dark and hard, and I
hadn’t been with anyone new in over half a decade. I was
burning with lust. Then she was up close to me, standing on her toes
to kiss me while her hands unbuttoned my shirt. I gripped her back,
tight, pulled her against me.

She nuzzled her face up into my
neck and kissed my throat while her fingers found my chest beneath my
undershirt. Her fingernails traced up from my belt to my collar,
sending shivers down my spine.

Then we kissed, our first real
kiss while we were already halfway towards naked. She brushed her
lips against mine, shyly. I kissed her back, hard, and she
acquiesced. Despite initiating this, she wanted me to dominate her. I
could feel it. Nothing is ever just sex, even when it’s just
sex. There was something else there, too, some connection. It made us
hungry for one another.

“I love a man who’s
not afraid to give me what I want,” she said, and then she
pulled off my undershirt, went to her knees, and undid my belt. I
reached down, pulling my jeans down over my hips, and she got a
wicked grin on her face when she saw my cock grow hard.

“You want me to suck you
off?” she asked, staring up at me with a glint in her eyes.

“Yeah,” I said,
sliding my fingers through her long, silky hair, putting a little
pressure on the sides of her neck with my thumbs. She tilted her head
back and smiled a little.

She was teasing me. Her mouth was
poised right over the tip of my dick. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” I said, my
voice strained. “I’m sure.”

“You want to fuck my
mouth?” she asked, drawing out that last word. I was all need,
all animal instinct.

“Yes, goddamn it.”

I pressed myself against her lips
and she slid her hot mouth tight around me, taking my dick all the
way into the back of her throat, and her hands were wet with spit,
working up and down my shaft as she sucked.

“Jesus.” I grabbed
onto the shelves with one hand, gripped the back of her neck with the
other, and groaned. Maggie just sucked on me harder, faster, like it
was the best thing in the world.

For a couple of minutes…for
a couple of minutes I felt okay. For a couple of minutes, I wasn’t
a widower, I wasn’t a husband. I was just a man. Some part of
me needed this, needed to let go in a way that my day-to-day life, my
brain, my heart, just wouldn’t let me.

But as soon as the cum started to
find its way up my shaft and into her mouth, she looked up at me and
all I saw was Em, going down on me in the bed of that pickup, or in
the trees out behind the school. My eyes stung and my chest got tight
and I had to push it all back, push it away, force myself to finish.
As soon as I came in Maggie’s mouth, guilt and shame got their
hooks into me. It was all I could do not to run out of that bar and
never look back. It took every part of me that’s strong and
good to help Maggie to her feet, kiss her hard, and let her tell me
she had to get back out behind the bar. With that as my cue, I ran.