A Better Man (The Men of Halfway House) (25 page)

Right now, his priority was making sure Matt tapped into that strength he knew he had to try to move on with his life without requiring validation from someone who didn't value him. Julian placed a gentle kiss on Matt's forehead and pulled him closer, needing to feel the press of his body against his own. He finally heard the quiet snores that always seemed to comfort him. Julian closed his eyes and let Matt's rhythmic breathing lull him to sleep.

* * * *

Matt tried to fight the need to get out of bed but the smell of freshly brewed coffee teased him. He turned only to find he was alone. He sat up and blinked a few times then stretched as he tried to gather his bearings.
Coffee…Julian
. He reached for his cell phone and saw that it was far later than the usual time they'd wake to work.

"Shit," he said, finally pushing himself to get out of bed and dart into the bathroom to get ready. He grabbed a pair of jeans and T-shirt, slipped on his shoes and combed his hair with his fingers as he followed the delicious scent in the air.

"Morning," he said, stepping into the makeshift kitchen—more like a table with a coffee machine and two chairs— and giving Julian a chaste kiss.

Julian immediately grabbed him by the waist and held him while he extended the kiss a few seconds more then pulled him close for an embrace.

"How are you holding up?" Julian asked when they separated. He reached out and placed his hand at the side of Matt's face and stroked his cheek with his thumb.

Matt shrugged then sat in one of the chairs. "My only relief now is that they know. Period. I should have guessed it was going to play out like that. I should have known better. I'm just sorry I subjected you to that."

"Don't sit there and think any of that crap last night was your fault. Your mom is a selfish—"

"I know…and that's why I should have known better," Matt said, defeated, then hid behind his mug as he took a sip.

"You're giving her power over you and you need to give that shit up. Only then can you take back your life the way you want."

"Yes, Jedi Master."

"I'm being serious," Julian said, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

Matt remained quiet as he drank his coffee, hoping the drink would scald his throat enough to be able to avoid the conversation. He knew he was torturing himself, and still, he continued to try with his mother.

"I know you hate this, but I'm serious. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You barely slept all week, you freaked me the fuck out last night passing out then you mumbled and kicked all night. I can't stand seeing you going through what you went through last night." Julian shook his head as he exhaled heavily. "I don't get it, Matt. Help me understand."

"I wish I knew why," he responded quietly.

"You're smart, you can figure this shit out. And when the hell did you start seeing a shrink?"

Matt looked up and finally made the eye contact he had been trying to avoid. "She would schedule appointments for me whenever I did something that didn't fit her mold. I'd usually be forced into the room and I would pretty much just read a magazine. I didn't feel like talking to someone about something I knew wasn't wrong."

Julian flipped the other chair backward and sat in it, resting his hands in front of him against the chair's backrest. "See, that's what I'm talking about. You know that what she's doing is wrong, why do you let it get to you? And why didn't you tell her you were gay? You figured she'd go bat shit, waiting didn't change anything."

Matt sighed. He hated talking about his mother and preferred to just lock everything away until her expected call next month to check in. But Julian wasn't pushing to be difficult, he was asking to try to understand Matt's demented psyche when it came to his mother. "I don't know."

"You do know. You wanted me to be more talkative and open up, well, this is what you get."

Matt's phone began to vibrate.

"We're not done here," Julian said with a piercing glare still sitting facing Matt. "And you're not leaving this room."

Matt half smiled. Julian wasn't angry…he was worried. "Did you sleep at all last night?" Matt asked, ignoring his phone.

Julian shrugged. "I was more worried about you getting some sleep. I can take a nap later if I need to."

Matt looked at the display before answering. "Hi, Alex."

"Hey, man. I just wanted to call and find out if you were okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Matt said. "Sorry about the drama last night. I know you were talking wedding plans with Mom and Lindy."

"Don't worry about that. Has Mom called you?"

"No," Matt said hesitantly. "Why?"

"She was really upset after you guys bailed last night. We went back inside to grab our things. Before we left, I heard her yelling at Dad about you and Julian. I think Julian really pissed her off," he finished with a chuckle.

Matt looked at Julian who still sat facing him, intently staring. Julian could probably hear both sides of the conversation. "I imagine she's not happy about my announcement."

"I don't think it's the announcement so much as it was the fact that he yelled at her."

Matt raised his eyebrows and looked at Julian.

Julian shrugged.

"Just be careful, Matt. She was really angry, more than I've ever seen her. Even Dad was talking louder than his usual tone."

"Thanks for the heads up," he said before disconnecting the call and taking another sip of his coffee.

"Why is her approval so damn important, Matt?" Julian asked, continuing the conversation.

"She's my mother, J."

Julian reached out, grabbed his chin, and forced Matt to make eye contact again. "She hurts you. Every time I've seen you talk to her, she hurts you. Has there ever been a positive?"

Matt looked away as he searched his memories for something…anything. His mind rolled through the years like thumbing through pages of a book. He thought back to his college years and realized he needed to dive farther back. He went back to high school, grade school…nothing. He couldn't even recall any family vacations of any kind. His father always worked and never had a chance to get away. Family gatherings were usually just an opportunity for his mother to one-up distant family members, who all seemed to disappear as the years passed.

"Can't find even one memory?" Julian asked in a soft tone as he brushed his fingers through Matt's hair. Matt didn't want to look up and risk seeing a shred of pity staring back at him. "Now, I want you to do something else."

Matt looked at Julian expectantly, as if waiting for the next instruction.

"Think about your aunt. Any positives there?"

Matt was instantly flooded with memories—as a child, visiting her and playing hide and go seek, learning to cook, getting help with his geometry homework, listening to him talk about the first boy he liked—so many wonderful pages in his mental book of memories. A smile spread across his face as emotions swelled in his chest.

He was jolted back to the present when he felt the heat of Julian's hand on his face, consoling him. He leaned into the comforting touch and let the pain slice through his heart when the realization hit him, one he'd known all along—his mother didn't really have a caring bone in her body.

"Your aunt was more a mom to you than your real mother. You told her that last night. Do you remember that?" Julian said in that tone he used when he was trying to be the patient one.

Matt pulled at a string on his jeans. "Yeah, I remember."

"I know you said it to sting her 'cause you were pissed. But that came from deep down."

"I know," Matt mumbled.

"I think you're expecting your mother to be someone she's not. You either accept her for who she is, as she is, or move on."

"You sound like a shrink," Matt said sadly with a half smile. "I thought you weren't supposed to be good at this kind of stuff."

"I know fucked up parents," Julian said, mirroring Matt's sad half smile. "I could be wrong, but I think she's too stubborn to change. After what I've seen, I don't think anyone can please that woman. As long as you let her have this power over you, she's going to keep hurting you."

"I know. Is it so wrong to just want her to be proud of something I do?" Matt asked, not really expecting an answer. Voicing his thoughts and bringing everything to the forefront made it impossible to deny and continue the façade.

"It's not wrong. Just means you're human."

"You're very insightful, Mr. Capeletti," Matt said, tugging the string again from the hole in his jeans.

"See, you can love me for my mind and my body," Julian said before standing and placing a kiss on Matt's forehead. "I'm outta here before my Dr. Phil mojo wears out. I'll be upstairs whenever you're ready to break a sweat."

Matt stayed in the chair for some time after Julian left. He had tried for so long to let each of his mother's comments slide off him. Now that he had finally managed to tell his family the truth about his sexuality and Julian, he hoped he could take that extra step in trying to veer away from seeking her approval. It was pointless. Regardless of anything he had accomplished, it seemed it was never enough.

He heard the banging upstairs and smiled wistfully. Julian had been dealt a crappy hand of cards and he soldiered on. He'd opened up to Matt and found a way to push past the pain he struggled with each time he revealed a memory.

Matt exhaled heavily as he tugged at the string from his jeans again. If Julian could do it, maybe he could too. At a minimum, Julian could coach him on how to deal with things. He'd encouraged Julian to open up more,
use your words
, he'd told him. Yet, he'd kept a secret from his family for one reason—he tried to delay the end result which was so blindingly clear. It was easier when he kept it hidden away from them, but ultimately, he was lying to them and to himself.

Voicing how he felt about his mother and finally coming clean forced him to confront what he'd known all along—this couldn't continue. He couldn't live his life hoping to gain the approval of someone who seemed incapable of offering support. He rubbed his chest as pain wrapped itself around his heart and squeezed. He closed his eyes and exhaled a shaky breath. It wouldn't be easy, but with Julian by his side, he felt strong enough to pull through anything.

Chapter 18

April

Matt turned again and repositioned his pillow.

"It might help if you tell me why it's three o'clock in the morning and you're still tossing and turning," Julian said softly with an arm lying across his face, covering his eyes.

"It's three? Are you sure?" Matt asked, looking over to the side table to check his phone.
Damn
.

"I'm pretty sure. The little hand is on the number three," Julian said in a sleepy voice as he peeked at his watch.

"I didn't mean to keep you up," Matt said apologetically as he stroked Julian's chest.

"Don't worry about it. I can just take a power nap in the afternoon. You haven't been sleeping much lately," he mumbled as he stroked Matt's back with his other arm. "You usually feel better when you talk about things."

"I guess," Matt said, snuggling closer to Julian. Regardless of how exhausted Julian was after a long day's work, he always took the time, in the middle of the night, to listen to Matt vent about his nightmares. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Are you still thinking about the dinner at your parents' house?" Julian asked with a yawn then wrapped both arms around Matt.

"Not really," he hesitantly responded. Even though that dinner had happened weeks ago, he still remembered every hurtful word that had been spoken. He tried not to let it bother him, but it haunted his dreams and colored too many decisions. He second-guessed himself repeatedly about silly things like the paint shades he wanted for the rooms. Was the pale green he wanted the right choice for a man's room?

He was tired of pushing Julian's patience. He had to find a way to compartmentalize that night and his family so he could move on and look forward to a future where his parents didn't play such a strong influence in his life.

"I'm just stressed about the state government interview in a few weeks. We still have so much to do before then."

"That's not worth stressing over. Just be yourself and whoever it is, is going to love you. And don't worry about all the other stuff. I'll make sure it all gets done before the deadline. There are worse things to have nightmares about," Julian said with another yawn.

"I know," Matt said weakly. "I'll be fine." He repeated the words to himself again, hoping that if he said them often enough, he might believe it.

"Going back to prison would be the absolute worst thing that could happen to you and that's never going to happen," Julian said gently. Regardless of whatever Matt worried about, Julian always pointed out there were far worse things in the world.

Julian flipped them over so he was half lying on Matt. They exchanged slow, lazy kisses as Julian mumbled comforting words to him. Julian's voice calmed him enough to have him settle back into bed and slowly return to the edge of sleep. Julian pulled the sheets over them and spooned him from behind, resting his cheek against the back of Matt's head.