A Cry For Hope (5 page)

I wiped the tear that was rolling down Jamie's face. “Hope, I don’t like this person that I’ve become. I just hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Jamie.”

“No, it’s not. I want to be able to make love to my wife without acting like some kind of animal.” He sat up and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that ever again.” His words stung. I sat up and covered myself as best as I could with my torn shirt. He hugged me tightly.  “Hope, I’m so sorry. I just -.”

I covered his lips with my finger. “Don't. You don't need to explain it to me because I know. I know better than anyone exactly how you feel. We need to mend our own hearts before we can mend each other's. And in the end, hopefully, we can both be there to put the pieces of
us
back together. God, I hope we can because I still love you so much, Jamie.”

He hugged me tighter and buried his face in my shoulder. “I'm so sorry for hurting you, Hope. I just want the pain in my heart to go away.”

“Me, too, but I don't think it will ever go away, Jamie. It may subside a bit over time, but it will never completely go away. It’s something that we both must learn to live with.”

He held me for a while longer. I could no longer avoid the question that I was dreading to ask. “Can you just answer one question for me?”

He nodded.

“Did you sleep with her?”

His silence was like a knife twisting and turning inside my heart.  He looked at me sadly. He didn’t need to answer; the look in his eyes said it all. “I’m so sorry, Hope. I’m not going to make excuses for it because I know it was wrong. I just…” He shook his head in confusion.

I closed my eyes. I knew all along that he did, but hearing him actually admit it was like a lead balloon on my chest.

“I-I have to go.” I got up and rummaged through my drawer for a new pair of underwear and a shirt. I could feel his eyes burning into me as I quickly dressed. I grabbed my suitcase and looked into his tear-filled eyes. “I’m setting you free and praying to God that, in the end, we can make it back to each other.” I took a deep breath, looking into his eyes one last time before heading down the steps and walking out the front door of the place that used to hold so many happy memories. The place that I once called home.

After a two hour drive filled with many tears, I finally arrived at my mom's. Just pulling into the driveway of the place that held so many happy memories made me smile. My father had passed away three years ago so it was just my mom in the four bedroom oversized cape that I grew up in. My brother, who was eight years older than me, lived right up the road with his wife and teenage daughter.

My mother was waiting in the doorway as I walked up. I could feel myself getting emotional just looking at her. She had always been my beacon, and now I needed her more than ever.  I threw my arms around her and broke down, breathing in the familiar scent of Chanel No. 5 and feeling like a helpless little girl again. We walked over to the couch and sat down. Making sure that I left out about the affair, I unloaded everything that had been happening in my life.

“Oh, Hope, I wish there was something that I could do to take away your pain, sweetie.” She hugged me tightly and kissed me on the head. “You can stay here as long as you need to. You can stay forever, but I'm really hoping that you and Jamie can work this out.”

“Me, too, Mom. I still love him so much.”

“I know you do, sweetie.”

We spent the rest of the night going through old photo albums, allowing me to express a whole new gamut of emotions. I loved looking at the old photographs of my childhood. The tears started as I looked at the pictures of my dad and me. He was my hero and I missed him so much. I wished that he could be here right now to help me get over this because if there was anyone that could, it would have been him. My parents were the happiest couple I had ever known. My mother had gotten pregnant with my brother when she was only eighteen. The two of them married right away and were together until the day he died. I thought that Jamie and I would be just like them. I knew that we probably would have been if Charlie was still here.

I looked at the clock, surprised to see that it was already midnight. “Well, I’m going to bed,” I said.

“Me, too! It’s way past my bedtime.”

We kissed good night and headed off to our rooms. I walked into the room that I had slept in my whole life and a sense of calmness temporarily overtook my troubled mind. My mother had since repainted my pink walls yellow, and had taken down the posters of my teen idols and replaced them with beautiful beach-themed prints, but it was still
my room
. The place that always provided me with a sense of comfort no matter how I was feeling.  I unzipped my suitcase and took out a pair of pajamas. I was too tired to unpack and decided to save that for the morning. I quickly changed and took out the picture of me and my two loves, placing a kiss on the cool glass of the picture frame before setting it on the nightstand. “Mommy’s really scared, Charlie, so I’m going to hold your hand, if that’s okay,” I whispered.

We walked around the Magic Kingdom all morning long. I wasn’t much of a ride person so I would just sit it out on a bench, while Jamie and Charlie took in all of the attractions. I didn’t mind and my tired feet actually welcomed it. Charlie’s smile was a mile wide as he and Jamie exited the Buzz Lightyear ride. “That was so much fun! You shoulda come!”

I smiled at his enthusiasm. “Nope, that’s what Daddy is for. I’m a big chicken when it comes to rides.”

“That one wasn’t bad at all, Hope,” Jamie said.

“Well, I’ll take your word for it. Ever since I threw up on the tea cups in front of everyone on my class trip when I was a little girl, I’ve avoided any form of unnecessary motion.”

He shook his head and laughed.

“I’m hungry!” Charlie exclaimed.

I looked at my watch, surprised to see that it was after one.  “Well, can you two tear yourselves away from your fun to eat some lunch?” I asked.

Charlie flashed his toothless grin and smiled. We decided on Pecos Bill’s Tall Tale Inn and Café. We found a table outside and sat down with our burgers, listening to the screams from Splash Mountain. “Dad, can we go on that one next, please?” Charlie pleaded.

Jamie nodded. “Only if you eat all of your lunch first.”

Charlie quickly took another bite of his burger. I pulled out my camera, and Jamie and Charlie both rolled their eyes. They were all-to-familiar with my photography addiction and were usually good sports about letting me snap pictures of them, but every now and then, I would get the occasional protest. “Come on! Just one…for me?”

“One? This is like your hundredth picture that you’ve taken today!” Jamie said.

“Please?” I said, sticking out my bottom lip and pretending to pout.

“Fine!” Charlie moved closer to Jamie and rested his head on his shoulder.

“Smile!” I shouted before snapping the most perfect picture.

“Would you like me to take a picture of the three of you?” an older woman who was passing by our table asked.

“Oh, that would be great!” I said, jumping on the chance for another picture. I moved my chair closer to Jamie and leaned my head on his shoulder, while Charlie stood on the other side of him and leaned his head on his other shoulder.

“Everyone ready?” the lady asked, just before snapping the picture. She held the camera out and looked at the screen. “Is that good?” she asked.

I looked at the screen and smiled. “It’s perfect! Thank you so much.”

“You are very welcome! Enjoy the rest of your trip,” she said.

“Thanks. You, too!” I said as she walked away.

I looked down at the picture once again. I couldn’t stop smiling at my handsome husband and my adorable little boy. They were my boys forever.

“Are you done staring at the picture and ready to go?” Jamie laughed.

“No, I will never be done staring at this perfect picture. You know, out of all the pictures that I’ve taken on this trip, this is the only one of the three of us.”

He shook his head and smiled, taking one last sip of his water and getting up. Charlie got up quickly, and threw his soda cup and plate in the trash. “Come on, Dad. Let’s go get in line for Splash Mountain!” Charlie exclaimed. Due to his excitement, he wasn’t paying attention and ran right into Donald Duck, who was dressed up like Davy Crockett. He placed his hand on Charlie’s shoulders as Charlie looked up at him and smiled.

“Oh, Charlie, let me get a picture of you and Donald Duck.”

“But we need to get in line…,” he began to protest.

“I’ll make a deal with you. If you let me get a nice picture of you and Donald, I will go on Splash Mountain with you.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Jamie joked.

“Shush!” I said, pulling out my camera, waiting for Charlie’s response.

“For real?” he asked, a smile spreading across his face.

“For real.”

He moved closer to Donald and smiled the biggest smile possible. I snapped the picture and took a deep breath, knowing that I had to hold up on my end of the deal. Charlie grabbed my hand and we headed over to the line. “Aren’t you coming?” I asked Jamie, who stopped just before getting in line.

“Nope, someone has to hold your stuff. You wouldn’t want your camera to get wet, would you?” he teased.

“Haha, you are
so
funny!” I said, handing him my purse. “I hope you have the life insurance paid up because I just may have a heart attack,” I said, only half joking.

“You will be fine!” he laughed.

Charlie and I stood in line for what seemed like forever. Finally, the endless wait was over and my nerves were getting the best of me. We were just about to board the ride when Charlie looked up at me, squinting into the bright sunlight. “Don’t worry, Mommy. You can hold my hand if it gets too scary.”

I leaned down and kissed him on the head. “Thank you, sweet boy. I think I may just need to do that, if it’s okay with you.”

After a very restless night, I awoke the next morning and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. I was trying to muster up the strength to get up and face the world. I finally forced myself out of bed and walked into the kitchen, finding a note on the table.

Hopie,

I’m at the bakery if you need me. 
Made you some blueberry muffins.
  They’re on the counter.  You know where the coffee is at.  See you later.

Love,

Mom xoxo

My mother had managed to keep herself busy since my dad’s death. After being a housewife her entire life, she finally followed her lifelong dream two years ago and was now a proud owner of Mary’s Sweet Tooth. She was a great baker and always dreamed of owning her own bakery. I was so happy that her business was doing so well and that she was doing something that gave her so much enjoyment. I was hoping that now that she was out in the world a bit more, maybe she would find someone to offer her some companionship, even if it was just dinner and a movie. She was still so young, at heart and physically. Everyone called me her twin. We did look very much alike. We both had dark hair, dark eyes, and the same heart-shaped face. My dad would always tease me when I was younger and say that he only hoped that I didn’t nag like her when I got older. She always took such good care of herself, and people could not get over that fact that she had just celebrated her 60
^th
birthday.