A Daughter for Christmas (15 page)

To further distance herself from him, she took a chair across from him on the couch. She'd talked again with her lawyer today, and he'd assured her she stood on firm grounds and was in a better position than Max in this case. And yet, that didn't stop her from feeling as though Max had a right to spend time with Taylor. How could she totally ignore that he was her daughter's biological father and the fact Taylor was taken away from him through no fault of his?

“I guess the first question to ask is where do we go from here?” Max sat on the edge of the sofa, his legs spread apart, his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped together. The only indication of his stress was in his white knuckles.

“We talk to Taylor and let her know you're her biological father.”

Some of his tension faded, his grip loosening, color flooding back into his fingers. “When?”

“I'll see if Mom or Granny can watch the boys tomorrow evening. We'll tell her then.”

“I want to tell her everything. Nothing held back. She deserves that.”

“Yes.”

“I want to be in her life, be here for her. I want her to know that.”

“What's that mean to you? I won't give up custody of Taylor. She needs to know I love her no matter what a test says.”

“I agree. Taylor comes first in whatever we do.” He dropped his gaze away for a long moment, tension seeping back into his frame. When he reestablished eye contact with her, she could tell from his expression he'd
come to a decision. “I've been thinking long and hard about this—about a way this could work with no one getting hurt.” He paused, then rushed on. “We could get married. Be a family.”

His proposal stole her breath, her thoughts. All she could do was stare at him.

The solution would be perfect if only he loved her. “Have you forgiven Alicia for what she did?” She finally asked the only question that came into her mind.

He clamped his mouth together, the hard line of his jaw announcing his answer without him saying a word. “No, I'm trying. But she took so much from me.”

“So, your feelings about marriage are still the same? I can't marry anyone who doesn't believe in it. I can't marry anyone who doesn't love me. I want to be the reason a man wants to marry me, not my daughter. It wouldn't work, and you said so yourself you won't go through that kind of marriage again.”

“You aren't anything like Alicia. There is no comparison.” The savage twist to his words accentuated the anger he still held close to his heart.

“I love you. Do you love me?”

“I—” His hesitation spoke volumes.

“No, I won't do that to myself.”

She wanted—deserved—a man who could answer without a second thought. “I won't keep you away from Taylor, but I won't put my children through a marriage that's a sham. There's more to consider here than just Taylor.”
Me. My breaking heart.
She rose and nearly sank back down from the weakness that attacked her legs.

He came to his feet, a bleak look on his face. “I'm sorry.”

“I'll see you tomorrow evening at the same time.”
She had to cut him off, not wanting to hear his excuses of why he couldn't love her for herself, not the fact she was Taylor's mother. She had to mean more to a man than that. She started for the foyer, desperately needing to be alone. “Taylor will dictate how much you're in her life. That's the way it has to be. I won't force my daughter into something she doesn't want.”

He didn't say anything but strode toward the door and thrust it open. “Fine, Taylor will always come first. See you tomorrow evening.”

Tears crammed her throat, but she wouldn't cry in front of him.
Taylor will always come first.
His clipped words cut through the numb feeling descending. And that was why she would have to find a way to distance herself from Max, harden her heart to him, or she wasn't sure how she would make it through the days to come.

 

The past few days had left Max exhausted, working long hours while trying to deal with the confirmation he was really Taylor's father. He had known it, but it was good to have it proved with the DNA test.

As he approached Rachel's house, his gut churned as though a caustic poison had eaten holes in it. He'd taken antacids all day but nothing calmed his stomach. What if Taylor rejected him? What if the past two months had meant nothing?

Why hadn't Rachel agreed to marry him? He cared about her. He love… The thought slammed him to a halt.

The anguish he'd seen in Rachel's face yesterday evening when she'd told him she loved him nipped at his composure and roiled through him like a tsunami. He couldn't dwell on that right now. One thing at a time. Moving forward, he pushed it back into the dark recesses
of his mind only to be shoved forward again when Rachel answered the door.

The haunted look in her eyes ripped his composure to shreds. He'd hurt her badly and hadn't wanted to. He'd thought asking her to marry him could be a solution to the situation, but now he realized it hadn't been. It had only worsened the problem, and now she wouldn't believe him if he suddenly declared his love.

“She's in the den reading a novel. When I went in there to tell her you were coming over, I was shocked to see her reading for pleasure. The first time I've seen that.”

“What's she reading?” he asked to delay what needed to be done. He rubbed his sweaty palms against his jeans.

“A young adult book she got when Jordan took Nicholas to the library today. My daughter informed me she applied for a library card. That was shock number two.”

And what would shock number three be? Taylor's reaction to the news he was her father? “A bookstore is one of my favorite places. I'll have to take her to one soon.”

“Maybe we could go together…” Rachel shook her head. “Sorry, that would be a nice outing for you two.”

“Rachel, you'll always be welcome to come. You've been more than generous to me.”

She moved close and lowered her voice. “Because it's the right thing to do. Taylor deserves to have a say in this.”

He released a trapped breath. “Yes, and I want to get this over with.”
Before I back out of telling Taylor who I am.
“In all the things I've had to deal with, this will
be one of the most difficult.”
Next to having to tell you who I am.

“I have to admit it's on my top-ten list of hard things to do.”

“After you.”

Rachel led the way to the den. He hung back for a few seconds, trying to gather the courage to do what he'd wanted to do since he'd discovered he had a child.

Inside the entrance into the room Max stopped and scanned the area, full of Christmas with an eight-foot, live pine tree in the corner, still decorated with ornaments that Rachel had for years. Whereas his small one had all brand-new ones on it, a perfect symbol of his life at the moment. Brand-new with possibilities.

Curled up on the sofa, Taylor glanced up from reading her book. “Mom said you were coming over. What's up?”

“We have something to talk to you about.” The solemn tone in his voice wasn't exactly the way he'd wanted to do it. He'd made it sound like some bad news was going to follow. “Actually, something exciting,” he added with a smile that quivered at the corners of his mouth as if he'd been forced to hold that pose for a long time.

“Exciting news?” Taylor peered at him then her mother. A grin all the way to the gleam in her green eyes graced her face. “News you want to tell me?” She closed her book and laid it on the table next to her. “I think I know what you two want to share.”

“You do?” How? Panic set in until Max noticed she was genuinely smiling.

“Yeah, I've seen you all together. Talking—” Taylor paused as if for a dramatic effect “—kissing. You two have finally decided to make it official. You're dating.”

Max sank into the chair nearby. This wasn't starting
out great. “I think you've got it mixed up.” Although the idea appealed to him a lot.

The gleam in her eyes glinted like the star at the top of the Christmas tree. “You two are engaged?”

Engaged?
Words fled his mind. If he and Rachel were engaged, would this be easier?

“Honey, please let Max tell you what he came here for.” Rachel gripped the back of the chair he sat in.

“Something's wrong?” Concern replaced Taylor's grin.

“I don't consider it wrong. In fact, I think it is very right.” He surged to his feet and paced in front of the couch, tossing his glance toward Taylor.
Lord, if You're listening, please give me the right words.
“I want to tell you a little about myself beyond the fact I struggled to learn to read.”

He stopped in front of the coffee table and faced Taylor—his daughter. The thought still brought joy to him. “I was married a long time ago. My wife and I both made some mistakes, but even though I was deployed overseas several times in our marriage, I wanted to work to keep it together. She didn't. While in Bosnia, I received a letter from her and divorce papers to sign.”

Taylor opened her mouth to say something but didn't.

With a deep breath, he continued, “I never heard from my wife after that. Everything came through her lawyer. I didn't even know where she moved. But six months ago I got a call from my ex-wife's sister. She needed to see me. She only lived an hour and a half from New York City so I went to see her on the following weekend. I found out Alicia had just died.”

“I'm sorry, but—”

“There is a point to this. Her sister gave me some
papers that Alicia had to confirm what she was about to tell me. You see, my ex-wife was pregnant when she divorced me. She gave the child up for adoption without my knowledge. According to her sister, she insisted she didn't know who the father was. But that wasn't the truth. I was the father, and she didn't want to be connected to me in any way.”

Her brow furrowed, Taylor glanced at Rachel then back at Max. “What's that got to do with us?”

“After months of searching, I finally discovered where my daughter was. Here in Tallgrass.” He gulped in a lung full of air. “It's you, Taylor.”

“Me!” Taylor shot to her feet, her arms ramrod straight at her sides. “No, it's a mistake. I can't…” She pressed her lips together, glaring from Max to Rachel. “Tell me it isn't so.”

“Honey, it is. We ran a DNA test to make sure.”

His daughter's mouth fell open. Tears welled into her eyes. He took a step toward her. Rachel came around the chair and toward Taylor.

She held up her hand. “Don't come near me.”

Before he could say anything, his daughter fled the den.

M
ax started after Taylor. Rachel blocked his path.

He stared down at her. “I need to explain. I didn't do a good job.”

“There was no easy way to tell her. Let me talk to her. Give her time. This is a lot to take in. She didn't go out looking for you. You found her.”

“I can't leave it like this.”

“You have to.” Rachel forced a cold tone into her voice. She wasn't sure what she'd expected—that her daughter would throw her arms around Max and welcome him into her family? She'd known that Taylor didn't adjust well to change and this was a big one. Maybe she'd been wrong in doing it this way. “Time, Max. You don't have a choice.”

The sound of a door slamming shut upstairs vibrated through the air. He appeared as though he'd been slapped by the noise. Color leached from his face. “Fine. Talk to her, but please call me afterward. I need to know what's going on with Taylor.”

“I will, but don't be surprised if she won't talk to me tonight. You'll have to have patience. Routine is so
important to Taylor, and at the moment she feels her whole life has been disrupted.”

“She knew she was adopted.”

“But finding her birth parents had never been an issue with her. We rarely talked about it and haven't for years. The reality of it has to be a big shock for her.”

Rachel walked with Max to the front door and waited until he descended the steps before heading up the staircase to the second floor.

She knocked on her daughter's door. Nothing. She thought about leaving and trying again, but something prompted her to try the knob. Unlocked, she eased into the bedroom. Taylor wasn't on her bed, at her desk or in her overstuffed chair. The closet. Although the door was closed, Rachel knew she was in there.

“Taylor, please talk to me.”

“Go away,” she screamed.

“Honey, I know you're hurting. I want to help you.”

The closet door flew open. Taylor, her hair messy as if she'd run her hands through it repeatedly, filled the entrance. No tears visible in her eyes, only anger. “I'm not a baby. Quit treating me like one. How long have you known Max was my father?” She thumped a fist into her chest. “I'm the last person to discover something important about
me
.”

“We only found out yesterday about the DNA results.”

“Why didn't you tell me what you were doing? I'm not a baby.”

“I didn't want you to worry about something that might not be true.”
I did the job for you.

“So you were protecting me?”

I was protecting me, too.
“You had a father who you loved very much. Then all of a sudden to tell you that
another man was your father wasn't something I wanted to tell you unless it was one hundred percent true.”

Tears flooded her eyes. “Did Dad love me? He never had time for me. He kept putting things off to later and now later is here and he isn't.”

Rachel took a step toward Taylor. “Your father loved you. He worked hard to provide a good life for us.”

Taylor backed up. “I wanted him. He didn't get to come to my softball games or my school program or…” Raw hurt saturated her voice until she couldn't say another word. Taylor sucked in a shaky breath and moved farther into her closet.

“Honey, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything to me?”

“If Dad didn't want to spend time with me, I didn't want him to feel he had to. He had to because he wanted to.”

Rachel wrapped her arms around her daughter. Her feelings mirrored how she felt about Max. He had to want to be with her, not just Taylor, or a marriage would never work in the end. Her own tears surged into her eyes as she held Taylor.

 

Max rapped on Pastor John's office door, open a few inches to allow Max to see inside. The man looked up from working at his desk and greeted him with a smile.

“Come in. It was nice seeing you Christmas Eve at church.”

Max trudged into the room, feeling as though his shoulders were weighted down with his past. “I need some help with something I've been wrestling with.”

“Sure. I'm always here to help.” Pastor John rose, moved to a sitting area and took a chair.

Max folded his length in the seat across from the minister. “What do you do when you can't seem to get past a betrayal that happened to you?”

“May I ask what happened?”

Max braced himself with a gulp of air then launched into an explanation of what occurred between him and Alicia. “She's dead, but I'm still full of anger at what she did to me. Rachel doesn't think I can move forward without dealing with what Alicia did to me and forgiving her.”

“What do you think?”

He remembered the look on Taylor's face as he told her who he was. He recalled the sound of her slamming a door. But mostly he couldn't forget Rachel when she told him she loved him but couldn't settle for anything but a man totally committed to her. And she was totally right. If he couldn't give that to her, they shouldn't get involved. He loved her. But if he couldn't move on from his past, he needed to back away from her—at least as much as he could and still be part of Taylor's life. That was if his daughter wanted him in her life.

“I think I have a mess on my hands. How do I right everything?”

“Ask the Lord for help. He's the only one who can help you. Do I think Rachel is right about forgiveness? Yes. Do I think it's easy to forgive someone, especially when that person did something that really hurt you? No. It will be one of the hardest things you've done. But then the Lord doesn't ask easy things of us.”

“Every time I try to forgive Alicia for what she did I get angry again. I think of the thirteen years I've lost with Taylor.” Max threaded his fingers together, so tightly pain spread up his arm.

“Will being angry bring those years back?”

“No.”

“Is being angry making you happy?”

Max shook his head, his throat closing.

“Look at it this way. What would have happened if Alicia had terminated the pregnancy instead of putting Taylor up for adoption? You would have nothing now. No daughter to love even if she's thirteen. You've got years to enjoy being her father. Years that if Alicia hadn't had Taylor you wouldn't have.”

“So, I should count my blessings and forget the other?”

“What you do is up to you. There's a verse in Ephesians that I think says it all. ‘And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.'”

Max put his hands on the arms of the chair and pushed himself to his feet. “Thanks, Pastor John. You've given me something to think—and pray about.”

“My door is open any time you need to talk.”

When Max exited the church, he didn't want to get in his car. Restless energy poured through him. He decided he would walk for a while. The park downtown was only a block and a half away.

He pulled the front of his heavy coat together, zipping it up to ward off the bite of the northerly wind. When he reached the park, he found a bench near the playground where several mothers had brought their children. Even one father had two little boys, bundled against the cold, running across the wooden bridge between the jungle gym and the slide. A little girl fell off a swing and began wailing. He started to get up to help, but the child's mother soothed her. After a minute, the girl hopped to her feet as though nothing had happened and raced off to play on a wooden climbing structure.

He'd never had that with Taylor. The anger bubbled to the surface.

But God has given you a gift. Not only Taylor but a woman who is a wonderful mother to your daughter. She has soothed Taylor's tears through the years in his place.

Being around Rachel and her children these past two months, he knew he wanted more. He wanted a family.

I want a wife to share it with. I want Rachel. I love her. No reservations.

That realization really didn't take him by surprise. When he pictured his future, Taylor was in it but so was Rachel.

Yes, the Lord had given him a gift. And if he had to forgive Alicia in order to accept the gift, then he would gladly. He was tired of being alone.

 

Later that night Max prowled his den, trying to decide what to do next. He had to convince Rachel she was the reason he wanted to get married. Not Taylor.

But he had almost no practice at being romantic. He was much more comfortable in an emergency room patching up a gunshot wound or in a tent in the desert trying to save a bomb victim.

When the doorbell rang, he whirled around toward the foyer. Rachel. Maybe she had news about Taylor. He hadn't talked with either one since last night although he had started to call half a dozen times that day.

The chime sounded again. He hurried to the entry hall and pulled the door open, hoping it was Rachel.

Taylor slouched in the entrance. She lifted her head and gave him a smile that faded quickly. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.”

A gust of chilly wind blew into the house along with Taylor. She shivered, hugging her arms to her chest, her shoulders hunched. “I think it's gonna snow.”

“Instead of a white Christmas, we'll have a white New Year.”

“Maybe.” Taylor ambled into the den, staring at the fireplace, minus any warm fire in it. When she pivoted toward him, she rubbed her hands up and down her arms.

“I can start a fire if you want.”

“No, that's okay. I can't stay long. Tonight Mom goes to her quilting group at church and I need to babysit Will and Sam.”

“Does she know you're here?”

“Yes.” Taylor slid her gaze away for a moment then looked back at Max. “Mom and I talked last night and today. I'm okay with everything now.”

“Are you, really? You were pretty angry last night.”

“Yeah, I know. I was surprised, then I began to remember things about my dad. Things I wish I could have changed. Now I can't.”

“What things?” He didn't want to make the same mistakes. He'd made enough already with Taylor and Rachel.

“Dad used to tell me he loved me, that I was his little girl, but we never spent much time together. He worked all the time. I began to feel his patients were more important to him than me. I started going with him to his office on some Saturdays to try to be with him, but he was always working on his notes, stuff he didn't do during the week. Now I can't. He's gone.”

The tightness in his throat expanded. He swallowed several times. “I know I can't replace your dad, but I
hope we can have a relationship together. The Lord gave me a gift for Christmas—the best present ever. You.”

A sheen of tears glittered in her eyes. Her bottom lip quivered. “You really mean that?”

“Yes. From the first moment I heard about you I couldn't wait until I found you. I wished I had known thirteen years ago, but I didn't.”
And I've finally gotten past that.
“I figure better late than never.” He tried to grin but the sight of her glistening eyes pierced his heart. What if she didn't want him in her life? What would he do?

“You're gonna stay in Tallgrass?”

“Yep. I've moved around a lot in the past fifteen years, but not anymore.”

A tear rolled down her face. Taylor sniffed and swiped her hand across her cheek. “I'd like to get to know you better. Maybe we could do a few things together.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” Hope flared in him. Hope that he could have a relationship with his daughter. Hope that he could persuade Rachel he loved her and wanted them to be a true family.

Taylor rubbed her hands across her eyes. “Well, I'd better go.”

The urge to hug her overwhelmed him, but he knew he had to take it slow. A week ago that would have frustrated him. Not now. He could build on this start tonight.

He followed Taylor to his front door and opened it. Turning in the entrance, she smiled, her expression bright with—hope.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Max.”

Maybe one day she would call him dad. “Good night.” He observed her until she went into her house across the
street. After talking with her, he knew what he had to do now. Closing the door, he headed for his phone to start making plans.

 

“Why aren't you and Zachary doing something special this evening? It'll be your first New Year's Eve together.” Rachel finished packing Will's backpack with his pajamas and a change of clothes.

Jordan stuffed Sam's bag with an extra outfit for tomorrow. “This isn't our first New Year's Eve together. Remember we dated in high school. And we are doing something special. We're gonna be with family. All the kids are gonna spend the night at Becca's and stay up late.”

“Are you sure about Will and Sam going?”

“Yep. They'll be five soon and I hate leaving them out of the fun. You can come if you want.”

Rachel shook her head. “I'd be a fifth wheel. It would be nice to be home alone for a while and get…” Do what? Mope around?

“Get your life in order?”

“Something like that. Taylor spent part of the day with Max and had a great time. They went grocery shopping. She's never had fun grocery shopping with me. Well, maybe when she was four or five.”

“I'm a phone call away if you change your mind.” Jordan grabbed both boys' backpacks.

Rachel made her way into the hallway. “I wouldn't be good company. Maybe I'll start taking down the Christmas decorations. The kids love to put them up but hate to help take them down. I don't blame them.”

“Sorta like when I cook. I love to prepare a meal but hate to clean up. Zachary is good at that, thankfully. We're a team when it comes to dinner.”

Team.
She wanted that again. With Max. But all she had heard about him these past few days was through her daughter.