A Dream to Call My Own (11 page)

Cubby moaned and fell back against the bed once his father had gone. “What have I done?” Had he aimed for her? Had he meant for it to happen that way? He could barely remember stumbling around in back of the saloon and firing off the gun. Wyman had come and put him to bed, but he’d said nothing about Cubby shooting at Lacy.

The thought of killing someone—especially her—made Cubby swear off liquor for good. “I’ll never take another drink,” he promised. Wyman had said he was just like his father. He remembered that much.

“I won’t be like Pa. I won’t.” He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. “If I have to leave here tomorrow, I won’t be like him.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

“I wonder if I might talk with you and Lacy?” Pastor Flikkema questioned as he readied his horse to leave on the circuit. He’d spent the night at Gallatin House as he usually did when he was in the area, but it was clear he was anxious to be on his way to his next congregation.

“I’ll see if I can find her,” Dave said, glancing at the house, where she’d been in the kitchen just moments before. However, before he could go in search, Lacy appeared as if already summoned. “Lacy,” he called. “Pastor Flikkema wants to talk to us.”

Lacy, carrying a very contented cat in her arms, put him down before joining the men. “What can I do for you?” she asked.

Dave thought she looked suspicious, as if he had instigated this discussion. He turned back to the pastor and nodded. “Yes, what is this about?”

The preacher smiled. “I know you two are engaged to be married. I’m wondering if you know yet when you’d like to be seeing to the formalities.”

Lacy stiffened. “We haven’t determined a date just yet.”

“I know this may seem strange, but I’m wondering if we could . . . set the date. I’ve had some family issues come up, and it will unfortunately take me away from the area for at least two months, maybe longer,” Pastor Flikkema began. “I thought if you weren’t opposed to it, I’d suggest you marry right away. Say, this Friday.”

Lacy’s eyes widened and her mouth formed a silent O. Dave put his arm around her shoulder for support. “I thought you were leaving for your circuit today,” Dave said rather casually.

“I am,” Flikkema said, “however, I can return here by Friday if that works for you. You two and your families have come to mean so much to me, and after watching your love blossom, I’d like to be a part of seeing you hitched properly. I can’t be sure of how long I’ll be gone. My mother has grown ill, and if need be, I might very well remain in the East for some time.” He grinned. “I suppose it isn’t usual for the preacher to set the date of the wedding, but I do hope you’ll understand. If I marry you on Friday, I can catch the Saturday stage.”

Dave nodded. “I can see your point, and I have no real objection.”

“But Beth is in bed until the baby comes,” Lacy protested. “She can’t be attending a wedding.”

“We could carry her downstairs as we have for other events,” Dave offered.

“Why can’t we just wait until Pastor Flikkema gets back?”

He recognized the fear in Lacy’s eyes. “I wonder if I might speak with Lacy alone for a moment?” he asked, turning back to the pastor.

“Of course. I’m heading back inside to get a lunch Gwen promised me,” Pastor Flikkema replied. “I’ll return shortly for your answer.”

Dave waited until the pastor had gone inside the house before turning Lacy to face him. “I won’t make you do this if you don’t want to, Lacy. I know you’re afraid.”

“I’m not afraid,” she replied rather indignantly. “Beth is due any day, however. It seems unfair to put this on her.”

He grinned. “I don’t mind if we marry in her bedroom, if that’ll settle matters.” Lacy trembled slightly and looked away. Dave reached for her chin and lifted her face to meet his. “I love you, Lacy. It doesn’t matter when or where we marry, so long as you know how much I love you.”

Lacy looked at him and nodded. “I know you love me.”

“But?”

She seemed surprised. “What do you mean?”

“You know that I love you, but it sounds as though you want to add something to that.”

“I just feel confused, Dave.”

“Why?”

She shook her head, and Dave dropped his hold. “I don’t know why.”

Dave took pity on her. “Lacy, do you love me?”

She drew a deep breath. “I think so. I’m not entirely sure I understand my feelings for you. You leave me breathless when you kiss me, and I can’t help but think about you all the time. My sisters challenged me to imagine my life without you in it . . . and I can’t.”

He put his hand against her cheek and stroked it gently. “I can’t imagine my life without you, either. I promise you, Lacy, I’ll be patient and loving. I won’t make you marry on Friday if that’s not what you want to do. I want you to be sure. This is forever.”

Pastor Flikkema appeared in the open doorway of Gallatin House. He was bidding someone good-bye, but Dave couldn’t see who it might be. He looked back to Lacy for an answer.

“What shall we tell him?”

Lacy sighed and leaned against Dave as if she’d lost all of her strength. “Tell him yes.”

She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d said yes to the Friday wedding. There was a part of Lacy’s heart that truly wanted this marriage—the sooner, the better. But there was an equally troubled part that felt it was all a mistake.

Did she and Dave really know each other well enough to marry? Pastor Flikkema had spoken of watching their love blossom, but Lacy wasn’t sure what he was talking about. She and Dave had known each other for a long while, and it seemed to her they did more bickering than anything else. Well, except for the kissing that had erupted during the last few months.

In a daze, Lacy passed through the house in search of Gwen. She would need to let her sister know of the plan for them to marry on Friday. It still seemed impossible to believe, and Lacy thought momentarily that she’d dreamed the entire thing. What would she wear?

“Are you all right?” Gwen asked. She looked at Lacy with an expression she normally reserved for the sick.

“I . . . well . . . something has happened,” Lacy said, taking a seat.

Gwen sat down beside her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“It’s not really wrong. It’s just unexpected.” She looked up and met Gwen’s worried face. “Dave and I are marrying this Friday.”

“Friday?” The alarm rang clear in her sister’s voice.

“Pastor Flikkema told us he needed to go back East for a couple of months. He wanted to marry us before going.”

“And you agreed?”

“It seemed the right thing to do. It was so important to him. I told him my biggest concern was for Beth, but Dave suggested we could carry her downstairs if need be. I . . . well . . . I only wanted a very small wedding anyway.”

“Goodness, it gives us even less time than Beth’s wedding.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Lacy replied. “I honestly didn’t plan for this.”

Gwen watched her for several minutes, then covered Lacy’s hand with her own. “Are you sure you want to do this? Even if Pastor doesn’t come back very soon, you could marry in Bozeman. I know you care about everyone’s feelings in this matter, but yours need to come first.”

“I know.” She looked at her sister and tried to put her thoughts into words. “Gwen, I just want to do the right thing. I don’t want to make a mess of things again.”

“Lacy, you are much too hard on yourself. You don’t make near the messes that you think you do.” Gwen smiled and patted her sister’s hand. “Now, tell me how I can help.”

“I don’t know,” Lacy admitted. “I don’t know what to do next.”

Gwen nodded. “Well, let’s plan the wedding. We will need to get the word out and invite the people you want to share in the day.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Lacy said, feeling a few of the cobwebs clear from her mind. “We don’t have much time.”

“True enough. You know, I think you should ride out to see Patience. Tell her about setting the date and have her join us in the plans.”

Lacy let out a heavy sigh. “I think she’d like that.” Lacy got to her feet.

Gwen rose, as well. “If you have no objections, I’ll let Beth know about the wedding, and we can begin working on plans for the day. It will give her something to think about while waiting for the baby to come.”

“That sounds fine,” Lacy said. She licked her lips and squared her shoulders. “I’ll get back as quickly as I can.”

“Take your time. There’s no stage due in today.”

Lacy nodded again and headed for the back door. “I’m getting married,” she whispered to herself. “I’m getting married in four days.”

“So what do you think of this area?” Hank asked Nick. They sat atop their horses, gazing out across the open landscape. Hank pointed to the west. “The river is just over there.”

“Seems like it has good flow. I’ve noticed a lot of little tributaries,” Nick said.

“What about the ground? You don’t think it’s too rocky?” Hank asked.

“It could be the rock will come in handy for the railroad,” Nick said, putting his hand up to shield his eyes from the brilliance of the sun.

Hank studied the map he’d been given of the surveyed route for the railroad. “I think it would suit us well. There’s plenty of water and woods. It’s a nice distance from Bozeman and yet not too far, especially by rail. Of course, it wouldn’t be that bad of a drive over in a wagon, or by horseback, either.”

“That’s good, because we’ll need to bring in plenty of building supplies from there. Not only that, but folks will need feed and seed for farming and ranching. The land looks good for either one.”

Hank nodded and once again studied the horizon. He really knew nothing about farming or raising livestock. The fact was, he knew very little about much of anything that related to the frontier. Sometimes his feelings of inadequacy were merely irritating, while other times they threatened to consume him.

“It won’t be easy,” Nick said, interrupting Hank’s thoughts.

“What?”

“Creating a town from nothing.”

“Are you thinking of backing out?” Hank asked.

Nick eased back in the saddle and pulled off his hat to wipe the sweat off his brow. “Not really. Simon has written to say that jobs are still readily available out west, but I have to think of what’s best for Beth and our children.”

“I’ve considered moving Gwen and Julianne to Boston, but I can’t imagine Gwen being happy. Particularly if her sisters remain here in Montana.”

Nick repositioned his hat. “I know. I don’t think Beth would be happy in Seattle. Still, this change won’t be easy. It’s going to cost plenty of money and test the stamina and faith of everyone.”

“If I can sell the Vanhouten property, there will be plenty of collateral. I’m sure we can encourage others to invest. Plus, I could always cash in some of my stocks and bonds.”

Nick frowned. “You can’t carry the entire town on your shoulders, Hank. You have too many responsibilities already.”

Hank gazed past Nick to the river. “After the windows were shot out, I realized just how unimportant money is. Julianne and Lacy could have been killed. Money can’t replace a life.”

“Believe me, I feel just as strongly. I guess I’m in a bad place right now. Ever since the fire took my home and business . . . Well, it doesn’t do any good to talk about it. Won’t change a thing.”

“Look, you more than earn your keep. We couldn’t have made it without your help, Nick; you have to know that. I won’t fight you if you believe it’s best for you to move to Seattle, but I hope you won’t go. I honestly need for you to be at my side in this move.”

Nick straightened in the saddle and cast a glance at Hank. “I appreciate your saying so.”

“It’s true. I wouldn’t tell you otherwise. I know I can trust you, and there will be people who’ll come with the railroad intent on taking advantage of folks. We need trustworthy friends in place before that happens.”

“Well, I don’t plan on going anywhere. Like I said, I don’t think Beth would be happy leaving the area. She loves her sisters too much, and now that she’s having a baby . . . frankly, I’m glad they’re around.”

Hank turned his horse toward the west. “If you’re in agreement, then, I’ll get to work immediately to secure our property.”

Nick drew his horse alongside Hank’s and extended his hand. “Count me in.”

The men shook on the deal and urged the horses forward. “So now we’re to have a wedding.”

“The last of the Gallatin girls will finally be hitched,” Nick said with a grin. “I hope poor Dave Shepard knows what he’s getting into.”

Hank laughed. “Did we?”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Lacy awoke on her wedding day with a sense of dread.
How
can I go through with this?
She sat on the edge of her bed, looking across the room at the freshly pressed yellow calico gown. Gwen had offered Lacy the use of her own wedding gown, but Lacy figured if she was to marry, she would do so in her own clothes, and this dress was far and away her best. Still, nothing about it felt right. Did it matter, she wondered, that she was heading into this special occasion without joy?

Dragging herself to her dressing table, Lacy sat down and began to brush her long cinnamon-colored hair. She had prayed so hard about this day. She’d begged God to give her a peace about marrying Dave, yet it hadn’t come.

“Why do I feel like this?”

She’d battled all night over whether or not she loved Dave as much as she should. She knew she cared for him, but she’d never been in love before. How could she be sure? Thoughts of being in Dave’s arms caused a shiver to run through her. She liked his kisses and touch. No one had ever made her feel the way Dave did. When she was with him, Lacy felt warm and safe, and if truth be told, there was also an overwhelming desire that couldn’t quite be explained.

Lacy put down the brush and studied her reflection in the mirror. “But I can’t do it. I’m not ready. It’s not fair to Dave or to me.”

She felt sick to her stomach. How could she back out of the wedding now? The Shepards had come in to town last night, and while they were the only guests invited outside of her family, Lacy knew she would feel uncomfortable explaining the situation. She and Dave were to be married first thing, and then they would celebrate with a wedding breakfast. How could she disappoint everyone by calling it all off?

“But I have to,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t get married with so much doubt running through my head.”

Lacy got to her feet and went to her wardrobe. She ignored the yellow calico gown and reached instead for a faded blue blouse and navy skirt. It was hard to think of Dave and how disappointed he would be. He might very well call off the engagement altogether.

“Which could be for the best,” Lacy reasoned. “I should never have agreed to marry him. I need to find him and explain how I feel.”

But Dave was a good man. Why did the thought of marriage fill her with dread?

“That’s just the point,” she told herself. “He’s a good man, and he deserves a woman who loves him completely—who knows her heart.” She gazed up to the ceiling. “God, please help me. I don’t know what to do.”

A knock on her door interrupted Lacy’s contemplation. “Who is it?”

“Gwen. Hurry and come. Beth has gone into labor.”

“I’ll be right there.” Lacy pulled on the navy skirt and tucked the blouse in before fastening the waistband. Stopping abruptly as she reached for her brush again, Lacy suddenly realized she had the perfect reason to stop the wedding.

She smiled and felt a sense of relief wash over her. There wouldn’t need to be any arguments or fights about her decision or feelings. Beth had taken care of the matter completely. No one would expect Lacy to marry while her sister labored to give birth to her first child.

Dave knew that with the onset of Beth’s labor, the wedding would have to be postponed. His mother gave him a sympathetic smile and offered encouragement.

“Don’t worry. Beth won’t be in labor forever, and then you two can continue with the wedding.”

“But that’s just it,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t know that we should.”

His mother’s expression betrayed her shock. “But why?”

Dave looked around cautiously. He was glad the others, including Pastor Flikkema, seemed to be busy elsewhere. “I feel like this was kind of forced on Lacy. Pastor wanted it so much that I did nothing to support her feelings in the decision. I knew she wasn’t ready, or else she would have already set the date herself.”

“I see.” Patience gave him a stern motherly look. “So what will you do to make matters right?”

Dave shrugged. “I’m not sure what to do. Pastor has already approached me about marrying us tomorrow before he leaves. I hate to disappoint him, but I have to put Lacy’s feelings first.”

“Yes, you do. I know you’re anxious to call Lacy your wife, but, Dave, she has to overcome her fears and worries about the past. If she carries those into her marriage, she’ll be constantly at odds with herself and with you. That’s no way to start life together.”

“I know. I suppose I’ll just go tell Pastor that we aren’t ready.”

“Be honest with him, Dave. He’ll understand. He wouldn’t want you to marry unless you were absolutely sure that it was what God had called you to do.”

Dave kissed his mother on the forehead. “Thanks, Ma. I should have talked to you about it in the first place.”

Pastor Flikkema was sorry to hear that the wedding wouldn’t take place, but he completely agreed with Dave after listening to his explanation. He promised to return to the area as soon as possible but assured Dave that he would understand if they wanted to marry before he came back.

With that resolved, Dave went in search of Lacy. He had never wanted anything more than to marry her—to spend his life with her. He yearned to find a way to help her with her fears.

Lacy was pulling a bucket of water from the hot springs when Dave caught sight of her. She had just placed the bucket in the small cart she used for hauling and was stretching her back. Dave thought her more beautiful than any other woman he’d known. He loved everything about her—well, almost. He smiled at thoughts of her stubborn nature. Truth be told, he could love even that.

Dave watched her reach for another bucket and dip it into the hot springs. He hurried forward to help her, his footsteps crunching loudly on the rocky path.

Lacy straightened rather defensively as she looked to see who might be disturbing her peace. “Is something wrong? Is Beth—” Upon seeing Dave, she seemed to relax.

“Everything is fine,” Dave said. “I just saw Gwen, and she said it will be a while still.”

Lacy blew out a heavy breath. “Babies have a way of taking their dear sweet time.”

He smiled and extended his hand. “Come sit with me a minute. I need to talk to you.”

She put down the bucket and took hold of his hand. “What is it?”

Dave led her to a small bench by the fence that quartered off the hot springs pool. “I just spoke with Pastor Flikkema. He had suggested we marry tomorrow morning before he caught the noon stage.”

“I see.” Lacy seemed to go pale. She bit her lower lip, a nervous habit Dave had come to recognize signaled distress.

“I told him we couldn’t.”

She looked up in surprise. “You what?”

Dave continued to hold her hand even as they sat. He stroked her soft skin with his thumb. “I told him we couldn’t marry tomorrow. I apologized to him but told him that I felt I had unfairly rushed you into agreeing to marry this quickly.”

“I see.” Lacy looked away, but Dave saw a flicker of gratitude in her eyes.

“Lacy, I don’t want to marry you like that. I’ve been feeling guilty all week. I want to marry you, so don’t think I don’t. I think about it all the time.” She looked back at him, and Dave couldn’t help but grin. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you.”

She blushed but held his gaze. Dave reached up and touched her cheek. “But I know we can’t marry until you are ready to let go of your fears.”

To his surprise, Lacy nodded. “I have been thinking about the same thing.”

“So we’re in agreement, then. We won’t marry tomorrow. We won’t even set the date until you feel confident doing so. You’ll find me to be a very patient man, Lacy. When I want something as much as I want to marry you, I can wait forever.”

Lacy looked at him intently. She seemed to see him with new eyes, and Dave felt a sense of relief and hope. “I promise it won’t take that long,” she finally said.

He leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. To his surprise, Lacy wrapped her arms around his neck as he pulled away. She pulled his face close and kissed him again.

Dave felt his heart race and his breathing quicken as he tightened his hold on her. He knew they were making the right decision not to marry on the morrow, but he couldn’t help but feel a great sense of disappointment.

“Ah, Lacy,” he whispered against her lips.

She pulled away as if sensing the torment. “Dave, there’s something else I need to say.”

He drew a deep breath to steady his senses. “Go ahead.”

“I want to apologize. I know I’ve been hard on you in regard to my pa’s death.” She got to her feet and began to pace. “It’s not your fault that Pa got shot. It’s not your fault that we can’t bring his killer to justice just yet. I know I’ve blamed you, but it’s only because you represented the only legal authority in the area.”

She frowned and paused. Casting a glance toward the ruckus going on next door and down toward the river, Lacy shook her head. “I’m positive Rafe knows something about all of this, but I know, too, that I can’t blame you for not getting it out of him.”

“What changed your mind?” Dave asked.

Lacy returned her gaze to his face. “I suppose a little of this and that. Beth talked to me not long ago, and I’ve been praying on it. Beth told me that she and Nick agreed to sell their land to Rafe. I was angry at first, but she explained that it was her deepest desire to provide for the safety of her child.”

She paused and began to wring her hands together. “She said we’re all driven to do things we wouldn’t normally do—under regular circumstances—when we feel threatened. I guess seeing Pa die like he did made me feel threatened. I always saw this place as so peaceful. It was the first time we were prosperous and the instability of our childhood seemed a thing of the past.”

“I’m sorry, Lacy. I didn’t know that.”

Nodding, Lacy looked again to the constant chaos that churned just beyond their property lines. “Everything here has changed. There is very little peace now. It makes me sad, but it’s also made me really think about something.”

“And what is that?”

Lacy turned back and stilled her hands. “We can’t always make things work out the way we want, no matter how determined we are. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to find Pa’s killer. That’s still important to me, but I was wrong to be so angry with you.” She put her hands to her head. “I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I have all this need inside—desire. Sometimes I feel as though a battle is being fought within me.”

Dave got to his feet and came to where she stood. “We all have that battle going on inside. It’s a war of a spiritual nature. The old man is fighting with the redeemed man. Your old fears and doubts want control of your life, but you offered that place to God. You promised He could take charge. The devil doesn’t like that one bit.”

He smiled. “I found a verse the other day that helped me a lot with my own fears.”

“You have fears?” Lacy asked in surprise.

Dave chuckled. “Of course I have fears. Losing you has to be right up there at the top, along with failing to be what you need me to be.”

She seemed confused by his statement, but he continued. “Lacy, we all have things that make us feel inadequate. We can’t let fear control us or overrun the good things we accomplish with God’s help.” Dave longed to take her in his arms and never let her go, but he held back.

“So what was the verse you found?”

“It was in Isaiah. It says, ‘Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.’ ” He grinned. “It gave me a great deal of peace.”

She nodded and seemed to consider it for a moment. “It’s as if God is promising to take the fear away.”

“He is, Lacy. He’ll take it away and give strength in return. And He’ll never let you go.”

“Never?”

The question posed seemed more than just Lacy’s concerns about God’s faithfulness. She seemed to be challenging his, as well. Dave drew her close, not letting his gaze leave hers. “Never.”

Lacy let Dave hold her for a long time. She knew she’d have to draw new water from the springs, as the buckets had no doubt cooled off by now, but it didn’t matter. Dave’s gentleness was something she so desperately needed. She longed to be loved and cared about in the manner he felt for her. It was easy to let the emotions wash over her.

“I have something else to ask you,” he said, stroking her hair.

She was hesitant to disengage from his arms but nevertheless forced herself to do just that. “What?”

“My father was talking to me last night about my future. He wants to expand the ranch by buying the Vanhouten land from Hank. He had hoped to ask him about it after the wedding. He has arranged for five hundred longhorn and Angus to be driven up from Texas.”

“I see. Well, that certainly sounds industrious of him, but what does that have to do with me?”

“He’d like me to come in as a partner. It would mean giving up working for the sheriff. Pa would like me to consider moving back to the ranch, despite my having purchased the Vanhouten house.”

“I see.” Lacy still wasn’t entirely sure why he’d brought this up.

As if reading her mind, he continued. “How would you feel about living at the ranch for a while after we marry?”

“I thought we were going to live in the Vanhouten house.”

“I figured to,” he said with a shrug, “but when Pa put this proposition to me, I knew I wanted to consider it. I won’t, however, if you’d rather not be a rancher’s wife.”

She smiled. He was so concerned about her feelings. She had never known anyone to care so much about what she thought or felt the way he did. It endeared him to her. “A rancher’s wife, eh?”

Dave’s expression turned serious. “It’s a hard life, Lacy.”

“It’s no harder than anything else I’ve known.” She thought of the ways she’d lived over her nearly twenty-two years. She and her sisters had known great hardship. They had worked, even as children, to keep the household together and food on the table.

“Is that your way of saying you wouldn’t mind being married to a cowman?”

“And we’d live with your folks?” she asked.