A Good Indian Wife: A Novel (34 page)

“Let’s go to a café,” he said. She wouldn’t be able to make a huge fuss in a public place. He could take the risk, knowing it was the last one.

“But we haven’t flown in so long.” They would start fresh, she’d make him forget that last tearful trip.

“I’ve got this cold,” he said truthfully.

“Please? I’ve so looked forward to it. I love going up with you. Please, Neel?”

For a moment he thought longingly of the plane. It was his refuge, his time away from stresses. How he loved arching through a clear blue sky, feeling himself in control of his life, the rich, clean city spread out beneath him. But of course he couldn’t take her up anymore. Those days had ended. Forever. “I just remembered,” he lied, taking the easy way out. “Jake’s using the plane. I’ll pick you up at ten o’clock.”

LEILA DIDN’T CARE WHAT THEY DID
on Sunday as long as they were together. She slipped out of bed before Neel awoke, brought in the fat, rolled-up newspaper, and started the sambar.

When Neel came into the kitchen, he thought he was in his mother’s house. The instant dosa mix was rising in the large bowl and the sizzling sambar spat small brown dots all over the white stove. He had asked for Indian food yesterday, but now wondered if the smell of asafetida would ever leave the kitchen.

“You’re up,” Leila said happily.

Caroline used to use those same words for another reason.

“Good morning,” he said, and pulled out the sports section, relieved that his headache was gone. “Have you had breakfast?”

“I was waiting for you.” Leila heated the iron tava Amma had insisted she bring to America and spread a spoonful of dough in a thin layer, similar to the crepes suzette she had watched chefs make on TV. “There’s no potato curry, just sambar. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. I’m not too hungry,” he warned. “I don’t have much of an appetite in the morning.”

“I know, but you need to eat, at least a little. It’s good for your cold.” She put a dosa on his plate and ladled on some sambar.

When the second dosa was ready, she took her place opposite him. She imagined a baby jumping up and down on the highchair, playing with the salt and pepper shakers while she fed it tiny pieces of dosa. When Kila was little, Leila used to give her small bites from the softest part of dosas.

“I hope the baby looks like you,” she said, feeling a sudden rush of affection for him. She had been one among three sisters and after his accident Appa had not been a strong presence in the house. Neel’s very maleness had been exciting and intimidating in the beginning. Now it was only thrilling. The spread of muscles across his back, the size of his ankles, the way he turned the steering wheel with one hand. His hands. She had always been partial to large hands and his almost covered the dinner-size plate that held the dosa.

“Maybe it will have your hands,” she said. She used to tell Indy, “If a man doesn’t have big hands, there will be nothing to hold on to during romantic walks.” Today, she could see them going on such a walk. She would show him the Presidio, that special spot where she found blackberries, the aisle of trees permanently changed by the way the wind blew.

“The baby already knows exactly what he or she is going to look and be like. That was decided the minute the egg and sperm met.” But she had been so sweet that Neel relented and added, “However, I do think a girl with my hands might have trouble getting a date.”

“Date? I can’t imagine any daughter of mine dating.”

“You won’t have to. She’ll do it for you.” Neel laughed. “I think a girl would be nice, though. Most of my cousins were boys, so a girl will pose a challenge for me.”

“Two females with PMS. Yes, that will be a challenge.”

“I guess we’ll have to have a boy just to even things out.”

He sneezed and she said, “If you are not feeling better, maybe we shouldn’t do anything today. In the Bible even God rested on Sunday.” After ten years of attending Catholic School—to which Amma had sent her reluctantly and only because it was the best school in their town—she knew the major stories.

“I guess God could afford to rest because He had taken care of all His obligations. I’m afraid I have to go flying this morning. I completely forgot about a date I’d made with Jake. It’s to teach him to fly a loop,” he explained. “I’d ask you to come with us but I don’t think it’s a good idea in your condition. Incidentally, this dosa is very good.”

Would she realize the lengthy explanations covered up lies? He had wondered what reason would get him out of the house alone for a few hours. He had come up with this—the tidiest of all possible lies—late last night. Jake was a salesman who was hardly ever in the city. That trip to Reno had been the first time Neel had seen him in a year. And Leila had heard Jake asking Neel to teach him the loop.

Leila smiled at the compliment, though she was disappointed by the rest. Still, he
wanted
to take her flying. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him to cancel, but he didn’t suggest it and she didn’t want to be pushy. Besides, a part of her admired him. He was an honorable man, keeping his promise even with a bad cold.

“Would you like to take some tea with you?” she asked.

“Sure, if it’s not too much trouble. Though we may not have a thermos.” He wouldn’t be able to take it to the café, and would have to remember to pour the tea out before returning home.

“I found one with your camping stuff in the closet.”

“I’ll bring it down. Now I think I’ll take a long, hot shower. That should wake me up.”

His empty chair was replaced by the hum of the hot water pipes. The kettle began to gurgle and she listened to the noises as if they were a symphony conducted by Zubin Mehta. These were the sounds she had longed to hear, the everyday workings of a home and its occupants.

The phone joined the chorus and she picked it up knowing Neel would not be able to hear it. If it was an important call—maybe India—she would go right into the bathroom and get him. She would not be shy and knock on the door.

It was Jake and she hoped immediately he had called to cancel the lesson.

“I’m going up to Reno next weekend and I had such fun the last time, I was wondering if you and Neel wanted to join me again.”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Neel?”

“Want to put him on the phone?”

“He’s in the shower. But you can ask him when you see him. Aren’t you flying with him?”

“Not with me, he’s not. I’m off to New York in a few hours. Why don’t you think about the Reno trip and let me know? Just leave a message with my answering service.”

Hair wet, Neel strode into the kitchen holding a red thermos. “That shower did the trick. I’m feeling much better.”

“Shall I make enough tea for Jake?” she tested him, taking the thermos.

“I’m not sure he drinks the stuff. He probably doesn’t even know about masala chai, but sure, go ahead. How soon will it be ready?” He didn’t want Caroline calling here again.

“Shouldn’t take too long,” Leila answered, feeling like a servant. He only wanted to be with Madam Fake. Why else would he lie to her? He probably wasn’t even going flying. Caroline must be waiting for him at her home with her French accent, French cooking, French lingerie, French kissing.

She spooned in the dark, bitter tea leaves without thinking, and threw in the spices any which way. With every addition she felt more betrayed and belittled. Why was Neel continuing to do this to her? Why did he lie so much? How could he expect her to share him?

The brew grew darker, leeching color from the tea leaves. He had told Cynthia and Harold that he had fallen in love with her over a cup of tea. She had served him coffee that morning, but had believed his lies during dinner.

From the corner of her eye she saw the brown nest of almonds. Her wedding saree was scattered with almond designs embroidered in gold thread. Almonds were good luck, Amma had told her. Amma had told her many things. She had told her to keep the saree for the first baby. Amma had strung her own wedding saree into a long hammock, hanging it from a hook in the ceiling. She had placed Leila amidst the soft silk, letting the wind rock her to sleep. It was a tradition Leila had hoped to follow. Now she wished she had cut up her wedding saree that day when half her clothes went into the garbage.

“Is it ready yet?”

He was standing in the doorway, looking down at his watch, tapping his foot. His impatience was so loud it reminded her of the cars that waited for her at the crosswalk, engines throbbing as if they couldn’t bear to be stationary.

“Almost,” she said.

He looked handsome in the dark blue shirt she had bought him. “It’s a welcome-back present,” she had said. “I selected a blue one because your name, Neel, means ‘blue’ in Hindi.” Lord Krishna was blue. He was her favorite God, the easiest one to recognize because of his coloring. Krishna, the great lover, was the only god with the ability to be with numerous women at one time. His power was so immense, he gave each woman the illusion that he was with her alone. She thought Neel had given up that erotic dance of ras-lila. She thought he had decided to stay with her—his wife—soon to be the mother of his child.

Her back was to him and he couldn’t see what she was doing. She wasn’t sure herself what she was doing when she reached for the jar of almonds. She put her hand in and brought out a handful.

The milk had formed a wrinkled layer over the cooling tea. As the almonds disappeared into the open mouth of the thermos, Leila saw Neel open his mouth to kiss Caroline. She saw his tongue swell, his throat grow so constricted that it was difficult to breathe.

He would not even be able to talk to Caroline. He would be too uncomfortable to roll around on the bed. He would come back to her, where he belonged.

CAROLINE WOKE UP EARLY
, anxious because she would be seeing Neel today, nervous because though he had agreed to meet, it was at her suggestion, and she didn’t know what he was going to say. Would he bring up the call to his wife?

Fidgety, she phoned Natalie. They were always there for each other, and she need kindness, understanding, a sympathetic ear. She poured it all out, the phone call yesterday, that awful, terrifying pause on Neel’s part and her insecurity about today. Natalie already knew about the aborted Sonoma trip as well as the romantic night Dan had interrupted. She had warned Caroline not to lie to Neel about throwing Dan out, told her that if things worked out between them, he would find out and be furious with her. As always, Caroline laughed it off, saying, “We’ll be married by then.” Natalie had countered, “And you think that solves everything, right? That’s when it all begins, Caroline. In the scheme of marriage, a wedding is just the beginning.”

Now Natalie listened, but instead of offering solace, she made Caroline even more nervous.

“He doesn’t tell you his grandfather is dead. He doesn’t tell you he’s going to India. He doesn’t call you when he returns, at least not until you call first, and you think he’s coming over today to tell you he’s going to divorce his wife?”

When Caroline tried to say that Neel must have had his reasons, Natalie laughed and said yes, it was a four-letter one: wife. “How come he didn’t marry you when he had the chance?” Before Caroline could come up with an explanation, Natalie added, “He didn’t when he could, so why would he now?”

“Because we get along so well. We love each other.” They did get along nicely and hardly ever fought, except when she brought up the “M” word. But even Natalie had to agree that that wasn’t unusual. If women didn’t prod men, they would live like clueless singles.

But Natalie wasn’t convinced. “Look, I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but how well do two people who only see each other one evening a week, who have to find out-of-the-way places to go to, and who act like strangers at work really know each other?”

“You’re a big comfort,” Caroline charged. “Did you wake up on the wrong side of life?”

“Sorry. I don’t mean to sound so cynical. It’s just that I’ve been there and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“You’re the one hurting me now,” Caroline said quietly.

“Okay, sorry. I take back everything I said. Look, he’s probably coming over full of honorable intentions.”

“Yes, and I’m wearing a wedding gown.”

“Seriously, though, he might be. People propose at the oddest times.”

Caroline knew that Natalie was just trying to make up for her earlier sharpness. Neel had never wanted to meet at a café before, and both women had carefully avoided discussing the unusual suggestion.

“So,” Natalie asked, “how are you going to handle it?”

“That’s why I called you. Do I offer sympathy, or do I say, ‘I’ve waited long enough, let’s talk about us.’ What do I do?”

“Whatever it is, don’t start analyzing his every word and movement, okay? He’s probably jet-lagged, an emotional wreck. So my advice is, don’t make any waves, make it seem like just another get-together. What do you usually do?”

“You know—”

“Hey, I can’t offer any advice there. I haven’t had any in so long I’m practically a born-again virgin. You know him best, Caroline. You’ll figure it out.”

The trouble was, Caroline thought as she paced the bedroom, Natalie was right. She didn’t know Neel, not the way some women know their boyfriends, not even the way she had known her fiancé. She knew some things about him, but they hadn’t been connecting recently and she didn’t know how to reach him.

She only knew that she wanted him to come over and say, “I love you and now we can get married.”

She thought back to Natalie’s question. Of course! He hadn’t asked her to marry him before because he didn’t want to hurt his grandfather. But now the grandfather was dead and there was nothing to stand between them.

It was going to be all right, it was going to be fine.

Then she looked at the clock and flew into another panic. He would be here any minute and she still hadn’t decided which dress to wear. Neel had said she looked nice in dresses and all she had on was a black lace slip.

The bell. He was here. She’d greet him in the slip. It could mean she hadn’t finished dressing—or that she was ready for him.

“Sweetie,” she made to kiss him, keeping Natalie’s advice in mind.

“Remember, I have a cold.” Neel stepped aside. “Why get sick if you don’t have to?”

Determined to start them off in the usual way, she said, “Then I’ll kiss you with my mouth closed.”

He turned his face at the last minute and she found herself pecking his cheek.

“It’s not like you to be this careful,” Caroline said, perplexed by his behavior.

“What kind of doctor would that make me?” Neel smiled, though Caroline could see he wasn’t really joking.

Why was he acting so strange, hovering at the door, not kissing her back? Then it hit her. He was probably thinking of that last time with Dan.

“Sweetie, I want to apologize for my brother. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But you won’t have to ever again.”

Neel looked away from that face, so white and blue and giving. He didn’t want to be reminded of the last time when he had scurried away.

“Like I told you on the phone yesterday. I’ve cut off the whole family.”

Neel felt himself weakening, felt her words turn the evening around. She had stood up for him, done what he should have. He had heard of women like this, but after Savannah had given up hope of meeting one. He never imagined that one day Caroline would make him her whole world.

Gratitude softened his voice. “Caroline,” he began, then stopped.

“Sh…” She placed a finger on his lips. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you would do the same for me.”

He had come here to tell her the exact opposite. It was going all wrong. They were supposed to be at a café, with him saying his good-byes and then going home to Leila.

“I saw this new café just down the block,” he tried to get them back on track. “We can walk there once you get ready.”

“Come and talk to me while I finish dressing.” Caroline turned without waiting for his response.

He hesitated at the inappropriateness of it all, but thought it would look…hypocritical to refuse. After all, they had been far more intimate than this.

He watched her swaying in front of him, her back even more creamy against the black. The lace clung to her buttocks, the scalloped hem undulating between her legs. She turned to look at him from the doorway and suddenly he knew what she was up to. And having come prepared to let her down gently, he now understood that he was going to have to be even more careful. She couldn’t read his mind, couldn’t know that he had chosen Leila and that this was the last time they would see each other outside the hospital. He remembered how he had felt after Savannah and determined to spare her some of the pain.

Perfectly aware that she was reeling him in, each step toward the bedroom thundered in his head, keeping pace with the headache that had returned.

“My headache’s getting worse,” he said. “I really do need some tea. The caffeine should do the trick.”

“I’ve got aspirin,” Caroline offered.

“I’d rather get to that café and have tea.”

“Why don’t I make you some?”

First Leila, then Caroline—everyone wanted to
make
him tea. Leila had even kept him waiting while she doled in the spices.

“I can wait till you’re ready,” Neel insisted.

“It’s just a cup of tea.” Caroline kept her voice light.

“Why cook when you don’t have to?” Neel countered. “I think I’ll wait for you outside. I seem to be hampering your progress.”

“Then help me,” Caroline said quickly. He had never waited for her outside before. What was happening? Again she heard that pause on the phone, when he didn’t speak and she’d suggested they meet today. But she hadn’t meant meet for coffee. She had meant for them to get together and discuss their future. “Blue or yellow?” She held up two dresses. “Though maybe yellow is overkill for a blonde,” she prattled on, willing her words to lure him back to the old days when he helped her undress rather than dress.

“Blue. Come on, Caroline, this is taking forever.”

“I know why you’re crabby. It’s the headache. Water and an aspirin.” Caroline put back the two dresses and this time marched quickly past him and into the kitchen.

“This is totally unnecessary, Caroline, really.”

“Are you going to take it or do I have to make you take it? Remember the time I didn’t want to try the retsina you brought over and you made me?”

She was being so cheerful and kind and—sexual. Yes, once, long ago, he had given her mouth-to-mouth retsina. Didn’t she remember how uncomfortable it had been? That he had never tried it again?

Caroline took a sip of water and came toward him.

“No, Caroline, stop. Please.”

But she didn’t listen, and instead reached for his face.

Neel put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away.

Caroline stumbled back, the water suddenly sour in her mouth. She couldn’t seem to do anything right. She swallowed the water, heard it go down noisily, and wondered how long she could take this, standing almost naked in front of him. Tears gathered in her eyes but she forced them away. He had never liked weepy women. He had always liked her. He did, he did like her. Why else had he gone out with her for so long? He was tired. She was pushing him, asking too much too soon. She needed to give him space.

“Caroline, I’m sorry. Look, I meant to tell you yesterday, but I couldn’t. I mean, I didn’t think it was right to end things over the phone.”

Caroline couldn’t look away from his dark eyes. Her heart immediately accelerated and she felt as though she were about to throw up.

“I can’t do this anymore. Not to you, not to me. It’s over. I’m sorry.”

Every word echoed in her head. She felt them course down her body and reach her toes, which curled into the cold floor. She didn’t, couldn’t believe them.

“What do you mean, it’s over?” They hadn’t fought, she hadn’t made any demands, so what was he talking about?

She kept looking at that face, the color of a tree trunk, the lips that knew so much and could kiss so well.

It couldn’t be ending. Not after all this waiting. No wonder Natalie didn’t trust him. Natalie’s married lover, too, had gone back to his wife. Five years of sneaking around and he had just ended it one day. Two years later, when they ran into each other at the supermarket, he told her he was divorced. He was already involved with another woman, younger, who could give him the family he wanted.

“I’m sorry,” Neel said. “I’m sorry if I’m hurting you. I never meant it to be this way, but it is over. I’ll leave now.”

She couldn’t let him walk out of the apartment, needed a way to keep him here, but the only words that left her mouth were, “Why? What did I do wrong?”

She could win him back. This wasn’t like Natalie’s situation. It was between the two of them because the wife had never mattered.

“Nothing. I don’t know. It’s over is all.”

“But you said you’d marry me.” She had hoped so much for that. Not a down-on-one-knee, ring-in-the-box proposal. Just a simple, “Will you marry me?”

“I never, ever said I’d marry you,” he clarified, a little angry that she was putting him in this false situation.

“When you came back last summer, you said we’d get married when your grandfather died.”

“You have a wild imagination. I believe my exact words were, ‘We’ll carry on as before.’”

“Then why can’t we do that? You don’t love this woman.” She knew he had never dated an Indian, had heard the envy in his voice when he spoke of Sanjay’s wife. She was her own best card.

“It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“But what about me?”

“I never promised you anything. I treated you well. I even gave you a car.”

“I never wanted that rotten old car. I want you. I’ve given up my whole family for you.”

This time Neel did not accept the gift he had once so desperately yearned for. He had wanted to believe her story just to make up for the fact that he should have been the one booting off the brother, so he wouldn’t have to look back on the evening with the same degree of humiliation. But he had always known it wasn’t true.

“Then why didn’t you tell your brother to leave when I was there? Why wait till I left?”

“Because…” Caroline hadn’t prepared for this question. She had expected him to believe her and be happy.

“Because you didn’t send him away.” Neel took a deep breath. He hadn’t just come to end things with her; he had come to end all the lies. “Your brother didn’t even know about me, Caroline. Look, I’m not blaming you. My family knows nothing about you, either. This whole thing, this relationship, was never going anywhere.”