A Heart Made New (27 page)

“No, but I can stand with her so she doesn’t have to stand alone.”

“For how long? Until the trial? Until her boyfriend goes to prison? Until he gets out of prison? Leah isn’t entirely wrong in considering those questions.”

“As long as necessary.” Annie heaved a breath and sought to soften her tone. “That is the charitable thing to do.”

She turned her back on him and focused on the paperwork. She must think about Charisma only right now. Poor Charisma having her baby alone. Determined to stand in for Logan, she began filling out the forms. The questions she couldn’t answer she left blank, the rest she filled in using her best penmanship. When she was done the forms looked reasonably full. And David had left her side. That was fine. Feeling resolute, she strode down the hallway to the waiting room. No David. He really had left her. No sign of Willow and Kinsey either.

She flopped into a chair and picked up a magazine. People she didn’t recognize stared up at her. Stories about television shows and celebrity affairs and fashion shows. Not the sort of thing she needed filling her head. She slapped it back on the table.

With nothing else to do and nothing she wanted to think about, Annie closed her eyes and willed herself to think of nothing. Nothing but prayers for a healthy baby and mother. The words filled her mind and her heart. She would not think of herself now and the hole she couldn’t fill. The hole left when her dreams of sharing a life with David fled.
Stop it.
She squirmed in the chair.
God, forgive me. Forgive me for being so self-centered. So selfish.

“Miss? Miss!”

Annie opened her eyes. A nurse stood in the doorway, a big smile on her face. “Are you with Miss Chiasson?”

“Yes, ma’am.” She popped from the chair. “Is she all right? Is the baby all right?”

“He’s fine and dandy.” The nurse clapped her hands as if applauding her own report, two quick little claps. “It’s a good thing she arrived when she did. She made short work of it.”

“A boy?”

“A boy.”

“Healthy?”

“Fit as a fiddle.”

Annie had no idea what that meant, but the smile on the nurse’s face said all was well. “Can I see her?”

“In about half an hour. They’re getting her cleaned up. Will the father be along shortly?”

The balloon of happiness floating around Annie deflated, shriveled up, and dropped to the ground around her. “Not…no…no.”

“Well then, she’ll be in room two-ten in about thirty minutes. You may visit, if you want.”

Annie paced the entire thirty minutes. She wanted to see the baby, hold him, live that moment with Charisma—the moment she couldn’t have for herself. She couldn’t wait for Emma to experience this happy time. She would get to experience it with her and being an aunt would be the next best thing to being a mother. She would learn to be content with what God gave her.

Finally the time arrived. She managed a sedate trot down the hall
to room two-ten. She pushed through the door into a room decorated with wallpaper featuring teddy bears and daisies. Light streamed through windows on an empty bed next to Charisma’s. She had the room to herself. Her hair scraggly and wet with sweat, Charisma’s head was bent over the baby in her arms. She looked up at Annie, tears streaming down her face. They weren’t tears of joy. A hiccupping sob hung in the air between them.

“What is it? Is there something wrong with him?” Annie ran to the bed. “The nurse said he was healthy.”

“He is.” Charisma sobbed harder. “Don’t you see? I don’t love him.”

A
nnie struggled to comprehend Charisma’s words. How could a mother not love her baby? How could Charisma hold her newborn son in her arms and declare she didn’t love him? “You can’t mean that. He’s beautiful and he’s yours. Don’t you know how blessed you are? I would give anything to hold my own baby in my arms.”

“Not the baby! Are you crazy?” Charisma hiccupped and squirmed in the hospital bed. She needed a tissue. Annie looked around, spied the box, and handed it to her. Charisma swiped at her nose. “I’m talking about Logan.”

“Logan?” Annie couldn’t help it. Her gaze dropped to the baby in Charisma’s arms. He opened his tiny mouth and bellowed a wail too loud to come from someone so small. “You and he…I mean…you…”

“That’s not love. You are so naïve. What we have isn’t love. Not for me, anyway.” Charisma blew hard and the baby wailed at the noise. “He gave me a roof over my head.” She rocked back and forth against the pillows until the baby’s wailing died down again. “He took care of me and Gracie. He stole for me. He broke the law for me. How can I abandon him?”

Annie bit her lip to keep her mouth shut. Men and women were meant to marry, then have children. To commit to a lifetime together. Charisma and Logan had gotten everything out of order and now
their children would pay the price. Hers was not to judge. She understood that, but she also understood why things had to be done in the right order. Charisma and her babies served as an example. A painful example.

“Now is not the time to make a decision about your future. You just had a baby.” Nothing would be decided now. Charisma and Logan could still make it. Annie whipped around the end of the bed and approached the other side. She held out her arms. “May I hold him?”

Charisma laid the bundle wrapped in a soft blue blanket in her arms. Annie breathed in the scent of baby. Beautiful baby. “Logan’s the father of your children. You’re forever linked to him. Don’t you think you’ll learn to love him?”

“He’s in jail, probably going to prison for at least five years. Not much of a chance of that.” Charisma pulled her sheet up around her neck and burrowed under it. “Besides, if I don’t love him after all we’ve been through, what makes you think I’ll start now?”

She had a point, but Annie couldn’t let go of the image of Logan driven to steal for a hungry child. She glanced down at the bundle in her arms. The baby had a blue cap pulled over his head so she couldn’t tell if he had his father’s hair. “Love grows over time. It gets bigger and stronger.”

“I don’t know what love is. Maybe the way my dad treated me messed me up so I can’t love a man.” Charisma tossed the sodden tissue on the nightstand next to her bed. “But then I can’t support two kids, neither.”

Annie swallowed against her own tears. Sadness flowed over her in a river of regret for innocence lost. Surely Charisma wouldn’t spend the rest of her life without love because of her father’s actions. “You will learn to support them. Even if you don’t stay together, Logan will have to help you. It’s the Englischers’ law.”

She didn’t know much about law, but she knew that the Englischers expected men to take care of the children they fathered. It was never a question in her community. Marriage came first, then children, and divorce didn’t exist.

Charisma leaned her head against her pillow. Her face was almost as white as its covering. “From jail?”

Good point. “One thing at a time.”

“Even one thing seems like too much right now.”

Annie kissed the baby’s forehead and laid him next to Charisma. “Rest. Tomorrow is time enough to think about all this.”

“Okay.” Charisma closed her eyes.

Annie tiptoed to the door.

“Annie?”

“Yes?”

“Seeing as I don’t have any insurance and I got a healthy baby, they’ll kick me out first thing tomorrow.”

Annie understood the question behind the statement. “We’ll come get you.” Another question floated to the surface. “I didn’t even ask. What did you name him?”

“Luke David Chiasson.”

Annie smiled. “Very nice.”

“I figured he could use some good role models in his life.”

Luke David Chiasson was going to be just fine. Annie would make sure of it. She pushed through the door, still smiling.

“How’s she doing?” David straightened from the wall where he’d been leaning. In the harsh fluorescent light, his skin took on a yellow cast. Black stains under his eyes looked like bruises. “The nurse told me she’d be moved here. I didn’t think it would be…I thought it best I wait out here.”

“I thought you’d left.” Annie swallowed. “Little Luke David Chiasson is doing fine.”

“Luke David?” His sober expression fled for a second, replaced by something like embarrassment. “Why would she do that? She hardly knows me.”

“She has a lot of experience with bad people, especially bad men. She knows good ones when she sees them. Now you’d better live up to it. Luke David will look to you as a…what did Charisma call it? Jah, a role model.”

“An example? I’m nobody’s example.”

“I think Kinsey would disagree.”

The sober expression reappeared.

“What is it?”

“After you started filling out the papers, Willow came in and told me Kinsey wasn’t feeling well.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Willow took her to the restroom and she started vomiting. They readmitted her.”

“I’m so sorry, David.”

“Me too.” He stared at his boots. “She didn’t even get to finish one lesson.”

Josiah hesitated. Days had passed, but the words Charisma had spoken in the garden were still echoing in his head. He loosened his grip on the picket fence gate. Knock on the door or leave? He’d come this far. Sarah’s cousin said she was working at Mayor Haag’s house. It was past suppertime—maybe they had her cooking and serving and cleaning up. That would be a lot of work for a girl who hated to put her hands in dishwater because it dried her skin and softened her long nails. David had made it a point to let Josiah know about his discussion with Sarah. He hadn’t said much else about her. Not enough to give Josiah an inkling of what his opinion of her was. That was David.

Fine.
He would do the right thing and send her home. Attempt to send her home. Sarah had a mind of her own, which had been one of the many things he liked about her. Josiah pushed through the gate, strode up the sidewalk, climbed the steps, and rapped on the door before he could lose his resolve. They needed to talk and they needed to do it now, while Luke was busy helping Onkel John harvest his wheat. Josiah hated sneaking around. He’d thought those days were over. They ended now.

The door opened. Sarah looked up at him. She blinked and a big grin spread across her pretty face.

“Josiah, you’re here!” She squealed and pushed the door open wider. “Come in. I’ve been waiting and waiting. You notice how patient I’ve been, right? I’ve—”

“Sarah. Sarah! Stop.” Josiah held up a hand. “We need to talk.”

The animation seeped from her face.

“Sure.” She made a flourish with one hand toward the hallway. “Come on in. Mayor Haag is at her weekly card game. She won’t be back for a couple of hours.”

“Is Mr. Haag here?”

“Chess night at his banker friend’s.”

So he was alone with her. Disconcerted, Josiah hesitated in the foyer. “Maybe I should wait until I can see you at your cousin’s—”

“Josiah, it’s me. I won’t bite you.” Sarah took his arm and tugged him into the living room. “Besides, Marcus, their handyman, is working on the kitchen sink. The garbage disposal is clogged. We’re not alone.”

Disappointment took a shot at Josiah. They weren’t alone. The clashing of his emotions gave him a headache. No. Not disappointment. It couldn’t be. They shouldn’t be alone. Not ever. “This will only take a second.”

Sarah took a seat on the brown leather couch and patted the spot next to her. Ignoring the invitation, he planted his boots on the braided rug that covered a slick tile floor. “I don’t need to sit…you called me Josiah.”

“That’s right.”

Her long dark green skirt and crisp white apron registered. Every strand of her fiery red hair lay confined under her kapp. She wore no jewelry, no makeup. Her face had a shiny, clean scrubbed look that reminded him of Annie. She looked every inch a Plain woman. Still, he knew better. Looks deceived. Actions would tell the true story.

“I’m trying so hard, Josiah.”

There it was again. “So I’m not Joe anymore?”

“No. You’re a Plain man and I’m a…I’m trying to be a Plain woman. The woman you want.”

“I never said I wanted you to be Plain. That was the whole point. Don’t you see? I ran away from this life. I ran to you in Wichita because you were you…not this…this copycat of my sisters and mother and all the other women in my community.”