A Lesson Before Dying (18 page)

28

I WENT INTO THE CELL
with a paper bag full of baked sweet potatoes. The deputy locked the heavy door behind me.

“How's it going, partner?”

Jefferson nodded.

“How do you feel?”

“I'm all right.”

“I brought you a little something.”

Jefferson was sitting on the bunk, with his hands clasped together. I put the bag beside him on the bunk and sat down. I could hear the radio, on the floor against the wall, playing a sad cowboy song. I saw the notebook and the pencil on the floor, next to the radio. This was my first visit since I'd given him the notebook and pencil, and I could see that the lead on the pencil was worn down to the wood. I could also see that he had used the eraser a lot. We were quiet awhile.

“Hungry?” I asked.

“Maybe later.”

“I see you've been writing.”

He didn't answer.

“Personal, or can I look at it?”

“It ain't nothing.”

“Do you mind?” I asked.

“If you want.”

I got the notebook and came back to the bunk. The fellow on the radio was saying what a beautiful day it was in Baton Rouge.

Jefferson had filled three quarters of the first page. The letters were large and awkward, the way someone would write who could barely see. He had written across the lines instead of above them. He had used the eraser so much that in some places the paper was worn through. Nothing was capitalized, and there were no punctuation marks. The letters were thin at the beginning, but became broader as the lead was worn down. As closely as I could figure, he had written:
I dreampt it again last night. They was taking me somewhere. I wasn't crying. I wasn't begging. I was just going, going with them. Then I woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't want go back to sleep. I didn't want dream no more
. There was a lot of erasing, then he wrote:
If I ain't nothing but a hog, how come they just don't knock me in the head like a hog? Starb me like a hog?
More erasing, then:
Man walk on two foots; hogs on four hoofs
.

The last couple of words were barely visible, because the lead had been worn down all the way to the wood. I read it over a second time before closing the notebook. I didn't know what to say to him. He was staring at the wall, his hands clasped together.

“Do you want me to bring you a pencil sharpener?” I asked after a while. “The little ones you hold in your hand?”

“If you can find one.”

“I'm sure I can,” I said. “You know, Paul would have sharpened this pencil for you. He wouldn't mind.”

Jefferson had unclasped his hands, and now he was scraping the ends of his left fingernails with the index finger of the right hand. His fingernails were hard and purplish.

“When's Easter?” he asked.

“Tomorrow is Good Friday.”

“That's when He rose?”

“No. He rose on Easter.”

“That's when He died,” Jefferson said to himself. “Never said a mumbling word. That's right. Not a word.”

“Did you talk to Reverend Ambrose when he came to visit you?” I asked Jefferson.

“Some.”

“You ought to talk to him. It's good for your nannan. She wants you to talk to him.”

“He told me to pray.”

“Do you?”

“No.”

“It would be good for your nannan.”

He looked at me. His eyes were large and sad and reddened.

“You think I'm going to heaven?” he asked.

“I don't know.”

“You think Mr. Gropé went to heaven? You think Brother and Bear went to heaven?”

“I don't know.”

“Then what I'm go'n pray for?”

“For your nannan.”

“Nannan don't need me to help her get to heaven. She'll make it if it's up there.”

“She wants you there with her, where there's no pain and no sorrow.”

He grinned at me, a brief cynical grin.

“You pray, Mr. Wiggins?”

“No, Jefferson, I don't.”

He grunted.

“But then I'm lost, Jefferson,” I said, looking at him closely. “At this moment I don't believe in anything. Like your nannan does, like Reverend Ambrose does, and like I want you to believe. I want you to believe so that one day maybe I will.”

“In heaven, Mr. Wiggins?”

“If it helps others down here on earth, Jefferson.”

“Reverend Ambrose say I have to give up what's down here. Say there ain't nothing down here on this earth for me no more.”

“He meant possessions, Jefferson. Cars, money, clothes—things like that.”

“You ever seen me with a car, Mr. Wiggins?”

“No.”

“With more than a dollar in my pocket?”

“No.”

“More than two pair shoes, Mr. Wiggins? One for Sunday, one for working in?”

“No, Jefferson.”

“Then what on earth I got to give up, Mr. Wiggins?”

“You've never had any possessions to give up, Jefferson. But there is something greater than possessions—and that is love. I know you love her and would do anything for her. Didn't you eat the gumbo when you weren't hungry, just to please her? That's all we're asking for now, Jefferson—do something to please her.”

“What about me, Mr. Wiggins? What people done done to please me?”

“Hasn't she done many things to please you, Jefferson? Cooked for you, washed for you, taken care of you when you were sick? She is sick now, Jefferson, and she is asking for only one thing in this world. Walk like a man. Meet her up there.”

“Y'all asking a lot, Mr. Wiggins, from a poor old nigger who never had nothing.”

“She would do it for you.”

“She go to that chair for me, Mr. Wiggins? You? Anybody?”

He waited for me to answer him. I wouldn't.

“No, Mr. Wiggins, I got to go myself. Just me, Mr. Wiggins. Reverend Ambrose say God'd be there if I axe Him. You think He be there if I axe Him, Mr. Wiggins?”

“That's what they say, Jefferson.”

“You believe in God, Mr. Wiggins?”

“Yes, Jefferson, I believe in God.”

“How?”

“I think it's God that makes people care for people, Jefferson. I think it's God makes children play and people sing. I believe it's God that brings loved ones together. I believe it's God that makes trees bud and food grow out of the earth.”

“Who make people kill people, Mr. Wiggins?”

“They killed His Son, Jefferson.”

“And He never said a mumbling word.”

“That's what they say.”

“That's how I want to go, Mr. Wiggins. Not a mumbling word.”

Another cowboy song was playing on the radio, but it was quiet and not disturbing. I could hear inmates down the cell-block calling to one another. Jefferson sat forward on the bunk, his big hands clasped together again. I still had the notebook. I started to open it, but changed my mind.

“You need anything, Jefferson?”

“No, I don't need nothing, Mr. Wiggins. Reverend Ambrose say I don't need nothing down here no more.”

“I'll get you that sharpener,” I said.

“I ain't got nothing more to say, Mr. Wiggins.”

“I'm sure you have.”

“I hope the time just hurry up and get here. Cut out all this waiting.”

“I wish I knew what to do, Jefferson.”

“I'm the one got to do everything, Mr. Wiggins. I'm the one.” He got up from the bunk and went to the window and looked up at the buds on the higher branches of the sycamore tree. Through the branches of the tree I could see the sky, blue and lovely and clear. “You Are My Sunshine” was playing on the radio. Jefferson turned his back to the window and looked at me. “Me, Mr. Wiggins. Me. Me to take the cross. Your cross, nannan's cross, my own cross. Me, Mr. Wiggins. This old stumbling nigger. Y'all axe a lot, Mr. Wiggins.” He went to the cell door and grasped it with both hands. He started to jerk on the door, but changed his mind and turned back to look at me. “Who ever car'd my cross, Mr. Wiggins? My mama? My daddy? They dropped me when I wasn't nothing. Still don't know where they at this minute. I went in the field when I was six, driving that old water cart. I done pulled that cotton sack, I done cut cane, load cane, swung that ax, chop ditch banks, since I was six.” He was standing over me now. “Yes, I'm youman, Mr. Wiggins. But nobody didn't know that 'fore now. Cuss for nothing. Beat for nothing. Work for nothing. Grinned to get by. Everybody thought that's how it was s'pose to be. You too, Mr. Wiggins. You never thought I was nothing else. I didn't neither. Thought I was doing what the Lord had put me on this earth to do.” He went to the window and turned to look at me. “Now all y'all want me to be better than ever'body else. How, Mr. Wiggins? You tell me.”

“I don't know, Jefferson.”

“What I got left, Mr. Wiggins—two weeks?”

“I think it's something like that—if nothing happens.”

“Nothing go'n happen, Mr. Wiggins. And it ain't ‘something like that.' That's all I got on this here earth. I got to face that, Mr. Wiggins. It's all right for y'all to say ‘something like that.' For me, it's ‘that'—‘that,' that's all. And like Reverend Ambrose say, then I'll have to give up this old earth. But ain't that where I'm going, Mr. Wiggins, back in the earth?”

My head down, I didn't answer him.

“You can look at me, Mr. Wiggins; I don't mind.”

I raised my head, and I saw him standing there under the window, big and tall, and not stooped as he had been in chains.

“I'm go'n do my best, Mr. Wiggins. That's all I can promise. My best.”

“You're more a man than I am, Jefferson.”

“'Cause I'm go'n die soon? That make me a man, Mr. Wiggins?”

“My eyes were closed before this moment, Jefferson. My eyes have been closed all my life. Yes, we all need you. Every last one of us.”

He studied me awhile, then he turned his back and looked up at the window.

“So pretty out there,” he said. “So pretty. I ain't never seen it so pretty.” I looked at him standing there big and tall, his broad back toward me. “What it go'n be like, Mr. Wiggins?”

I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I didn't answer him. He turned around to face me.

“What it go'n feel like, Mr. Wiggins?”

I shook my head. I felt my eyes burning.

“I hope it ain't long.”

“It's not long, Jefferson,” I said.

“How you know, Mr. Wiggins?”

“I read it.”

I was not looking at him. I was looking at the wall. It had been in the newspaper. The first jolt, if everything is right, immediately knocked a person unconscious.

He came back and sat down on the bunk.

“I'm all right, Mr. Wiggins.”

I nodded without looking at him.

“Care for a 'tato, Mr. Wiggins?” he said, opening the paper bag.

“Sure,” I said.

29

JEFFERSON'S DIARY

mr wigin you say rite somethin but i dont kno what to rite an you say i must be thinkin bout things i aint telin nobody an i order put it on paper but i dont kno what to put on paper cause i aint never rote nothin but homework i aint never rote a leter in all my life cause nanan use to get other chiren to rite her leter an read her leter for her not me so i cant think of too much to say but maybe nex time

its evenin an i done eat my rice an beans an i done had my cup of milk an the sun comin in the windo cause i can see it splashin on the flo and I can yer ned an them talkin an thats bout all for now

i coudn sleep las nite cause i kept dremin it and i dont want dreem it cause im jus walkin to somwher but i dont kno wher its at an fore i get to the door i wake up an i want to rite in the tablet las nite but you aint got no lite in yer but the moon so im ritin this monin soon is sunup but now i done fogot what i want to say

nanan brot me some easter egg an i et one an nanan et one an reven ambros he et one an reven ambros ax me if i know why the lord die an he say he die for me so i can meet him in heven an all he want me to do is say i want be up ther wit him an the angels an say if i mean it wit all my heart an sol ill go to heven an nanan start cryin again an mis lou got to hug her an nanan say all i need to do an make her life wors livin is ax the lord forgiv me in the pardn of my sin an her an reven ambros was on they knee an mis lou was still in the cher huggin her an i was glad when paul come an got me

i dont kno what day it is but las nite i coudn sleep an i cud yer ned down the way snoin an i laid ther and thot bout samson sayin if the lord love me how com he let my wife die an leave me an them chiren an how come he dont come here an take way people like them matin brothers on the st charl river stead of messin wit po ol foks who aint never done nothin but try an do all they kno how to serv him

it look like the lord just work for wite folks cause ever sens i wasn nothin but a litle boy i been on my on haulin water to the fiel on that ol water cart wit all them dime bukets an that dipper jus hittin an old dorthy just trottin and trottin an me up their hittin her wit that rope an all them dime bukets an that dipper jus hittin an hittin gainst that bal of water so i can git the peple they food an they water on time an the peple see me an drop they hoe an com and git they buket cause they kno they string or they mark on the top an boo sittin under a bloodweed wit his wite beans an rice and goin wher he at wher he at this yer very minit an how com he dont giv a man a little breeze if he so mercful an mis rachel wit her rice an grens sayin keep it up jus keep it up an see if a clap of litenin dont come ther an nok the fool out you an boo sayin let him i dont care cause a ded niger is beter of an a live one any weekday an saddy im gittin drunk an say it agin an saddy standin in the midle the road hollin up in the air sayin com on an git me com on an git me see if i care an fallin down in the dich an rollin out in the road an holin up the botle so the lord coud see it an rollin back in the dich an rollin back in the road an drinkin and holin the botle up so the lord coud see it an sayin i kno you dont love nobody but wite folks cause you they god not mine an com on an tho you litenin if you want cause no niger aint got no god an the church goin people closin they doors an windos to keep from herin boo blasfemin the lord but me an the rest of the chiren in the quarter like boo cause he always boght us candy an cake

i jus cant sleep no mo cause evertime i shet my eyes i see that door an fore i git ther i wake up an i dont go back to sleep cause i dont want walk to that door no mo cause i dont know what back o ther if its wher they gon put that cher or if it spose to mean def or the grave or heven i dont know i wonder if boo went to heven cause i know he didn git religin firs

mr wigin you say you like what i got here but you say you stil cant giv me a a jus a b cause you say i aint gone deep in me yet an you kno i can if i try hard an when i ax you what you mean deep in me you say jus say whats on my mind so one day you can be save an you can save the chiren and i say i don't kno what you mean an you say i do kno what you mean an you look so tied sometime mr wigin i just feel like tellin you i like you but i dont kno how to say this cause i aint never say it to nobody before an nobody aint never say it to me

i kno i care for nanan but i dont kno if love is care cause cuttin wood and haulin water and things like that i dont know if thats love or jus work to do an you say thats love but you say you kno i got mo an jus that to say an when i lay ther at nite and cant sleep i try an think what you mean i got mo cause i aint done this much thinkin and this much writin in all my life befor

its munday an i aint got but just a few days lef an i hope i see my nanan jus one mo time cause mis lou and reven ambros say she aint fairin too good an coudn make it wit them this time but the lord kno mr wigin i hope i can see her one mo time on this earth fore i go is that love mr wigin when you want see sombody bad bad mr wigin thank you for sayin im doin b + work an you know the a aint too far

the shef an mr picho and mr mogan come in the cell today an mr picho ax me how im doin an i tell him im doin all rite an he say yes he can see im all rite an he ax me if he can do somthin for me an i tell him nosir im all rite and he ax if i want a brand new pencil wit a penny erase on it an i tol him i wud take the pencil but i dont need the erase cause you tol me to jus put down anything come in my hed an if it aint rite jus scratch over it an go on an he say yes he can see that an he ax me if i want him to shopen my pencil an i say yesir an he shopen the pencil on a teeny perl hanle nife an i look at the nife an i seen mr picho look up at shef guiry an mr mogan an the shef look back at him but mr mogan never stop lookin at me like he was tryin to figer me an mr picho ax me if i want the litle nife an i tell him yesir i didn mind an he unhook the litle gole chan from his belt lope an han me the nife an the chan an he say it was all mine an i say just for a few days an you can hav it back an i helt the litle nife in my han an the chan in my other han an jus look at it an i yer mr picho say well an i yer mr mogan say it aint fridy yet an mr picho say you want double that bet you want add that troter an mr mogan say it still aint fridy yet

ole clark been comin roun too tryin to act like a youman but i can see in his face he aint no good an i dont even look at him when he ax me if im doin all rite and can he git me somthin no i jus go on ritin in my tablet an i dont care if he do see it after im dead and gone

paul trying to be hod when he aint like he dont want get too close to me no mo an all the time he is the only one rond yer kno how to talk like a youman to people i kno you paul an i kno ole clark an i kno you too shef guiry and you mr picho and mr mogan an all the rest of yall i jus never say non of this befor but i know yall ever las one of yall

lord have merce sweet jesus mr wigin where all them peple come from when you ax me if some chiren can com up here an speak to me i didn kno you was meanin all them chiren in yo clas an jus sitin ther on the flo all quite in they clean close lookin at me an i coud see som was scard o me but mos was brave an spoke an my litle cosin estel even com up an kiss me on the jaw an i coudn hol it back no mo

then after the chiren here com the ole folks an look like everbody from the quarter was here mis julia an joe an mis haret an ant agnes an mr noman an mis sara an mis lilia an mr harry an mis lena an god kno who all an mr ofal an mis felia wit her beeds an jus prayin an all the peple sayin how good i look an lord hav merce sweet jesus mr wigin how you got bok yer in that suit that suit look like it half bok siz cause i member mis rita got him that suit way back ten leben yers back an bok babbin ther like he kno me an mis rita sayin he want say he glad to see me an he want give me one of hiss aggis an me jus lookin at bok shakin my hed an shakin my hed an i cant stop sayin ole bok ole bok ole bok you want giv me one o you aggis but ole bok woudn turn it loose til mis rita had to tell him let go bok few times an still bok woudn turn loose till mis rita pri it out his han and han it to me an bok start babbin ther til mis rita had to reach out her han fo me to giv it back to her an she giv it back to bok an bok put it back in his pocket an start rattlin it wit all the others in ther an mis rita say she was sho he want to giv me somthin thats why he want to com an i tol her it was all rite i didn't need nothin but she say bok woudn res tonite if he didn giv me somethin an she tol him to giv me a diffen one if he didn want give me the aggi an ole bok lookin way over yonder kep rattlin the marbles in his pocket an jus kep on lookin way over yonder rattlin the marbles til he fond the litles one he had in his pocket an han me that

this was the firs time i cry when they lok that door bahind me the very firs time an i jus set on my bunk cryin but not let them see or yer me cause i didn want them think rong but i was cryin cause of bok an the marble he giv me and cause o the peple com to see me cause they hadn never done nothin lik that for me befor

i dont want sleep at nite no mo jus catnap in the day while they got lite and they got noise cause i dont want drem bout that door ever time i shet my eyes

when they brot me in the room an i seen nanan at the table i seen how ole she look an how tied she look an i tol her i love her an i tol her i was strong an she jus look ole and tied an pull me to her an kiss me an it was the firs time she never done that an it felt good an i let her hol me long is she want cause you say it was good for her an i tol her i was strong an she didn need to come back no mo cause i was strong an she just set ther wit her eyes mos shet like she want to go to sleep lookin at me all the time til reven and mis lou have to hep her up an take her back home

mr wigin when i see you girlfren an yall together i see how pretty she is an im sorry how i talk that day when i was mad at you an say them nasty thing bout her cause she so pretty an smil so pretty when she look at peple an you can see she aint putin on airs an its jus kwaly in her an she talk so nice to peple an all the time i want look at her but scare to cause she so pretty an im so ugly an she got on a pretty dress with pretty flowers an my close dont smell good and i aint took a baf sens sady but i still want look at her an she say she think im lookin good an strong an when she put her han on my sholder i start tremblin an she lean close an kiss me and i feel hot an i coud smell her poder cent an i feel good an scare an hot cause thats the firs lady that pretty ever tech me an nobody that pretty never kiss me an when yall left i come to the door an i look at her long long is i coud and coud smell her poder cent and still feel her mof on my face

im sory i cry mr wigin im sory i cry when you say you aint comin back tomoro im strong an reven ambros gon be yer wit me an mr harry comin to an reson i cry cause you been so good to me mr wigin an nobody aint never been that good to me an make me think im sombody

shef guiry ax me what i want for my super an i tol him i want nanan to cook me som okra an rice an som pok chop an a conbred an som claba an he say he gon see what he can do an say what i want for desert an i tol him jus a little ice crme in a cup an a moon pie

they took me an let me stan under the shoer wit a new bar a sope an they giv me a big wite clen tower an brot me back an i put on some clen close an set down cause my food was yer an i et it ever bit an it was the bes meal i kno my nanan ever cook

sun goin down an i kno this the las one im gon ever see but im gon see one mo sunrise cause i aint gon sleep tonite

im gon sleep a long time after tomoro

shef guiry come by after i et an ax me how im doin an i say im doin all right an he ax me he say i aint never pik up yo tablet an look in it an he ax me what all i been ritin an i tol him jus things an he say aint he done tret me rite an i tol him yesir an he say aint his deptis done tret me fair an i tol him yesir an he say aint he done let peple vist me anytime an i say yesir an he say didn he let the chiren an all the peple from the quarter com an visit me jus two days ago an i say yesir an he say is you gon put that in yo tablet an i say yesir an he say good put that down in yo tablet i tret you good all the time you been yer an he say he had to go hom cause he hadn et his super yet but for me to call a depty if i need somthin an he ax me if i want the lite to stay on all nite in case i want rite som mo an i tol him yesir an he say all rite i coud have all the lite i want

my lite on but they aint no mo lite on in the place an the place is quite quite but nobody sleepin

they got a moon out ther an i can see the leves on the tree but i aint gon see no mo leves after tomoro

i dont know if they got a heven cause samson say they cant be an boo say they aint non fo no niger but reven ambros say they is one for all men an bok dont kno

i been shakin an shakin but im gon stay strong

i aint had no bisnes goin ther wit brother an bear cause they aint no good an im gon be meetin them soon

its quite quite an i can yer my teefs hitin an i can yer my hart

when i was a litle boy i was a waterboy an rode the cart but now i got to be a man an set in a cher

dont kno if you can red this mr wigin my han shakin and i can yer my hart

i can yer randy but i aint listnin no mo cause he for the livin an not for me

its late an i dont know what time it is but i kno its late an i jus went to the tolet an i jus wash my face

day breakin

sun comin up

the bird in the tre soun like a blu bird

sky blu blu mr wigin

good by mr wigin tell them im strong tell them im a man good by mr wigin im gon ax paul if he can bring you this

sincely jefferson