A Life Less Lonely (17 page)

“Is this a good time, Andrea?”

She gulped.
Closed her eyes. Wished he could fly down the phone line to her. Correction; she longed for him to fly down the phone line to her. “Um, it depends. Josh is just about to jump in the bath.”

There was a pause. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrupt your evening.”

That rich dark voice of his sounded so subdued. Suddenly, she very much wanted him to disrupt her evening. She couldn’t help herself, in spite of her pronouncements. Something must be wrong for him to ring her like this. He wasn’t stupid. And nor was she made of stone, for goodness sake. “Would you like me to ring you back, Keir?”

Again she noticed that hesitation.

“I was really hoping you’d let me call round and talk to you. But if you don’t feel that’s appropriate, I shall understand.”

“Right.
Well, um, it sounds as though it’s something you’d rather deal with as soon as possible?” He sounded anguished. Well, she knew a lot about that state of mind.

“It is,” he said. “It’s an important matter and not something I want to deal with during working hours.”

“Where are you now?”

“In my car.”

She suppressed a chuckle. “I meant how far away from here?”

“Ah, I see. Probably I’m about four miles from your house.”

“Why don’t you come round after Josh is in bed? Give me an hour and I’ll be sorted.”

“What if the doorbell wakes him when I arrive?”

“Josh can sleep for Britain,” she said. “See you in a bit.”

Keir
kept on staring at the phone in his hand. She’d agreed to see him. He put the phone away, suddenly remembering he was parked in a supermarket car park with an hour to spare. This was a golden opportunity to give his store cupboard a treat, if only he could remember what he’d run out of. If only he could stop hoping and dreaming and get back to his reality.

Chapter Ten

“Sweet dreams, little one.” Andrea hugged Josh and left him listening to one of his favourite CDs. Already his eyelids fluttered but he shot her a smile, so heartrendingly like his dad’s. Greg’s son had inherited his long, dark eyelashes. It was odd how a small detail, a fleeting expression on Josh’s
face, could unleash an unexpected deluge of love.

She sighed and went into her own room to change from T-shirt and shorts into a loose pink cotton top and black leggings. She pushed her feet into purple suede loafers and stood before her mirror to pull her hair from its
scrunchie and brush out the tangles so hard for soccer players to avoid during a game.

When she walked downstairs, Josh already slept. She switched off his music and pulled his door halfway closed, arriving downstairs just as she heard the sound of a car pull up outside.

When she opened the front door, Keir, carrier bag hooked over one wrist, was paying off a taxi, which seemed very odd given he’d said he was ringing from the car when he called earlier. Instead of his well-cut suit, he wore a polo shirt and a pair of chinos, still managing to look smart.

As soon as he began walking up the path towards her, Andrea knew she was a hopeless case. It was pointless trying to pretend otherwise and she couldn’t even greet him properly because of the flood of emotion engulfing her. She’d better get used to keeping these feelings of hers in rein.

“Hey,” he said. “Are you all right? Andrea?”

She pulled herself together as best she could. “I’m fine. Just a bit whacked after today. We had a game of football then bath time - typical day really.”

“I’m sorry. It can take a while to get over jet lag too.” His eyes couldn’t hide his concern. “You should have told me to get lost. I didn’t mean to make your day even more difficult.”

If only she could admit the truth. How much she cared yet couldn’t commit. But still she held back. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to moan. Let’s go into the kitchen and find something to drink.”

He thrust his hand into the carrier bag. “I brought a bottle of wine and a few beers, just in case. They’re still cold from the chill cabinet. I, um, did some shopping after I rang you then realised I needed to drive home and put stuff in my fridge.”

That explained the taxi. “I see,” she said. “Well, that’s very kind of you. First those fabulous roses and now wine.” As soon as the words left her mouth she knew he’d probably think she sounded like a suspicious wife.

He shook his head and followed her into the kitchen. “It’s not a charm offensive,” he said. “I didn’t want to barge in empty-handed. Anyway, you’ve already thanked me for the flowers. You didn’t need to write me a letter though.”

That dreadful, polite little note! She felt warmth rush to her cheeks. She knew this was one of the things Greg had loved about her, her ability to blush and turn his heart over. What was happening here? Whatever
Keir needed to say, she must keep things on a strictly professional basis. It would have been better if they had met somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or even the park. But she had to admit, here, in her own home, it felt good to have adult company. Even though she wondered what could be important enough for Keir to see her away from the hospital or the university. Maybe it was to do with her mother’s condition.

She remembered her manners. “I’m afraid that was a very stilted little note,” she said, reaching for two glasses. “I didn’t want to send mixed messages.”

“I think I’ve got the message, thank you. It’s whether I can change your mind about it that’s the important thing. I can’t go on like this, Andrea. And I need to be absolutely sure where I stand before making any decision about the future.”

It was the sincerity in
Keir’s voice, the voice capable of stealing her reason and dismantling her defences. His words caused Andrea’s heartbeat to forget to behave as all well-behaved female hearts should. She took a packet of salted nuts from a cupboard and reached for something to empty them into. Her hand trembled as it closed around a small jug. Hastily she replaced the jug with a bowl. Hoped he hadn’t noticed her flustered state.

“Let’s go into the sitting room,” she said.

***

Keir
waited for her to settle into one of the two leather armchairs either side of the hearth. He hesitated for a couple of beats then sat down on the settee. It seemed to be the tactful thing to do.

“How did Josh enjoy his football game?”
Keir’s eyes focused upon a colourful framed photograph on the pine sideboard. It was undoubtedly the small boy and his dad, sporting identical grins. Greg seemed to radiate health and energy and Keir felt a pang of compassion for the fatherless family. How could he possibly persuade this lovely woman to let him into her life when she still fought grief?

“Enjoy is an understatement,” she said, sipping her Chardonnay. “By the way, have you eaten?”

He felt a twinge of embarrassment. “Um, no, but I had a decent lunch.”

“I’m going to need a sandwich soon so you’re very welcome to join me.”

He forgot tact. He forgot to reason. “I want to share more than a sandwich with you, Andrea,” said Keir.

She put down her glass, her expression serious. “We’ve already gone through this,
Keir. I invited you here this evening because I assumed there must be something of importance you needed to say to me, away from the hospital.”

“You’re not wrong about that. What I have to say is hugely important.”

“Then you have my full attention.”

There was that brittle, bright smile again. He ached to go over to her, gently draw her to her feet and hold her close. He forced himself to remain where he was but leaned forward, hands clasped.

“First of all, contrary to what people, including you, may think, I don’t play the field or whatever today’s equivalent of that may be. In other words, what happened between us in Montreal didn’t happen simply through physical need.” His voice dropped to a huskier tone. “I wanted to take you to bed, Andrea, because I happen to have fallen very deeply in love with you. I can’t help it, and I won’t hide it from you. And, at the risk of embarrassing you, I don’t think you invited me to your room just for a bit of fun. I think … I hope you might be experiencing the kind of sensations I am. The eternal, all-consuming sort of sensation…I don’t mean to sound clichéd, Andrea, but I love you.”

The last words slipped out before he could stop them. He noticed she was looking down at her rings, twisting them round and round her finger.

“No way do I want to rush you,” he said, dropping the words like pebbles into a silent pool. “No way do I have any intention of trying to replace Greg.” He watched the delicate line of her throat as she swallowed hard. “That would be impossible.” His voice was gentler now, less urgent. “Darling Andrea, I just want a chance to help you heal. I want to be around for you and I don’t mean just take you out for dinner when you can find a babysitter. I’d like to get to know you properly and when I say you, I mean you and your family. Because … because I can’t bear to have you in my life merely as a colleague. Not when there’s so much more I want to be.”

She remained silent, eyes downcast.

“I know we haven’t known each other very long,” he took a deep breath before continuing, “but already we’ve shared a lot of experiences. You know how passionate I am about my career. I think you share that passion. You did a brilliant job at the conference. We maintained an entirely professional front and we can be the same now. We don’t have to broadcast the fact that we’re anything but colleagues until we, and I specifically mean you, are ready to do so.”

She looked up, eyes glittering with unshed tears. “We hadn’t slept together when we had to speak in front of all those people. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to keep my emotions in check now? Do you not realise how much our private time in Montreal meant to me? This isn’t all about you,
Keir.”

“Do you think I don’t understand because I’m a man? As it happens, yes, I do know, Andrea, because I’m struggling to do the very same thing, especially at this moment. For goodness’ sake, if you’d just let me put my arms around you, wouldn’t we both know the Montreal thing wasn’t just born of the moment? Without a doubt, we both know it very obviously was not.” He picked up his glass and took a huge swallow. The liquid went down the wrong way in his urgency, making him splutter and cough as he fumbled for a handkerchief.

Andrea got up and stood behind the settee to provide a couple of thumps on the back.

When he’d recovered himself he stood up too. “What an idiot. I’m sorry about that. Thank you.”

Her face crumpled and he rushed round the couch to stand at her side, taking her hands in his. “What is it, Andrea? Whatever it is, let me make it better. Please …”

Once his arms were around her, he didn’t care if he was trespassing on her privacy. All he cared about was trying to take the hurt away. It wasn’t going to happen like lightning but he so wanted to bring joy into her life.

Their mouths met in a tender kiss. He didn’t try to take it any further but held her, breathing in her fragrance and closing his eyes, hands gently stroking her back and shoulders, lightly massaging her neck under the silky curtain of hair she wore loose that evening. I’ve come home, he thought.

To his dismay, she broke away from him and sat down. “You’re a very kind man,
Keir,” she said. “That’s what makes this so dreadfully hard.”

He shook his head impatiently. “I know it’s difficult for you. That’s why I want to help you. Can you not understand that?”

“Yes, I can but we’re going round in circles.” She sounded more assertive and this time her gaze didn’t waver. ‘I’m not trying to deny I’m attracted to you. I think we both knew that when I tried to dash past you that first day at the lift. If I pull away from you, it’s because it’s for the best, Keir, not because I want to.”

He marched over to the window and stood with his back to it, arms folded across his chest. “I’m sorry but that’s absolute rubbish,” he snapped. “Pushing me away when you admit you’re not exactly desperate to escape from me.” His stern expression relaxed. “It would be funny if only I didn’t care so much.”

“I know and it’s because I care about you so much that I don’t intend to burden you with me, my family and my personal baggage.”

“So that’s it? Your decision stands. Do I have any say in this whatsoever?”

But she wasn’t concentrating on Keir. She rose and walked over to the half-open door, cocking an ear. Then she turned back. “It’s OK. Josh must’ve cried out in his sleep. That still happens sometimes.”

Keir
nodded. “Poor little man, I’d love to meet him some time.”

“That’s a big part of my concerns.” She walked closer to him but stood slightly out of reach. “If I let you into my life, which is what the selfish part of me longs to do, if something goes wrong between you and me, what’s going to happen to Josh and to a lesser extent, my mother?”

“Hell’s bells, Andrea. I may not have been the perfect husband but I was motivated by the right reasons, or so I believe. I’m older, hopefully wiser and more patient nowadays. I wouldn’t turn up with a sack full of toys for Josh. I wouldn’t expect you to let me stay over at night. I’d use my common sense and hope your little boy would come to love and trust me in time.” He spread his arms as if demonstrating their ability to encircle her and her family.

He still didn’t try to approach her. “I want to make a commitment,” he said. “If only you’ll let me. And what’s all this about you being selfish? That’s just downright crazy.”

Moira Haynes’ hurtful words rang in his ears. She couldn’t have been more wrong about Andrea casting around for a replacement dad but he wasn’t going to correct her. It was none of her business.

“I shall say it again. No way would I try to take the place of Josh’s father.” His voice was gentle. “As for your mother, Rosemary seems to be enjoying a quality of life many people her age would love to achieve. That’s without the possibility of improvement once the drug and vitamin combo really kicks in. You have to take the credit for that – you and Lizzie Dean if you like. Gold stars all round, Andrea. You’re selfish? I don’t think so.”

He spread his hands, his expression apologetic. “Sorry to keep lecturing you but I think there’s another reason for this decision of yours. I don’t think it’s your emotions causing this barrier. You say it’s too early for you to be with someone else but the way you responded to me at the hotel told me the truth. Forgive me for saying this but you told me Greg hadn’t been home on leave for months when he lost his life. You felt cheated, resentful because he was so close to the end of his tour. That’s understandable but my guess is you’d been kind of mourning him, albeit subconsciously, before you received the terrible news.”

He feared he’d overdone things but she looked at him now with a kind of recognition unseen before.

“It was always part of the package,” she said. “Military wives live with a kind of half-expectancy of the worst scenario.” Her voice faltered. Then she whispered. “I love him so much. That’s not going to change, Keir.”

Keir
felt the sting of his own tears. He stepped forward and placed his hands gently upon Andrea’s shoulders. She didn’t try to resist him.