A Little Bit Scandalous (6 page)

She could have stayed in his arms, in that moment, for the rest of her life.

She shook herself and left his study, heading up to her own bedchamber. His motive had been to scare her, she could tell that much, but their kiss had affected him, too.

She didn’t have time for such nonsense. She had a plan for her own life that did not include wasting any more of her time on Roe Grisham. Her heart might feel otherwise, but she was a rational, logical creature, and she could simply ignore those feelings. It was merely a reaction to his kiss, to his nearness.

Good heavens, though, as logical as she was, she was also a woman and Roe was more handsome than any man she’d ever set eyes on. It would be hard not to be affected by his presence. But she could certainly ignore him or at least, learn to be less entranced by him. It would take some effort on her part, but she was a disciplined person.

She stepped into the room and rang for the maid that had been assigned to see about her needs. Caroline stood while the girl unbuttoned the fastenings at her back. What did he care if any man at Rodale’s suspected she was a woman and tried to take liberties with her? Roe had washed his hands of her years ago, so it shouldn’t matter to him one way or another. He’d certainly never done anything to assist her, other than what was his duty. That wasn’t fair and she knew it, still, tonight she needed to be angry with him.

Give her the money for her house, he must be mad. She would never allow him to do such a thing. That defeated the whole purpose. Not that it wasn’t tempting, she couldn’t deny that. She could always repay him. It would be a way of restoring the property immediately, but no, she wanted to do it on her own. She needed to do it alone, to prove to herself she could stand by herself and not have to always rely on others to take care of her.

If Roe funded the renovations for her, she’d be relying on him. Precisely what she’d done her entire life. She’d been a burden to every person she’d ever loved, first her father when her mother died, and then poor Christopher when their dad passed away. After his death, she was sent off to a veritable stranger and had lived off him and his mother for all of her adult life.

It was past time for her to take care of herself.

That solved the issue of money, though it certainly begged the question of what she would do if the renovations required more than she’d already earned. She needed a new plan to earn the rest of the funds. In the meantime, she would live in Roe’s townhome and try to keep her distance.

So while her heart might believe it loved Roe, her head knew how futile such emotions were. She might not be able to ignore his handsome face, but he irritated her enough to remind her precisely why they were a wretched match.

Not that he would ever marry her, but a marriage between them would mean only one thing for Caroline, a loveless union. While she knew that the more time she spent with him, the more likely she was to fall in love with him completely, she was just as certain he’d never love her in return. Being married to Roe and not have him love her in return would be sentencing herself to a life of pain. She’d already loved and lost so many people, she feared that one more would possibly destroy her, irrevocably change her so she could no longer love other people. That one more would tip her over and dry up what was left of her ability to love others. Then what could she offer the orphans she planned to work with? No, she wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice.

Roe entered the dining room to find his mother sitting there alone. “Good morning, Mother.” He poured himself a coffee, grabbed a piece of bread, and sat across the table from her.

“Monroe, you look…” She paused as if grappling for the right word. “…tired. Did you not sleep well?”

“I slept. Some.” He sipped his coffee and glanced around the room. “Where is Caroline? She does not strike me as a woman who stays in bed until noon.”

“No, she has always been an early riser. At home, she generally wakes up earlier than I do and
goes for a walk on the grounds before she even has a cup of tea. This morning she has gone to inspect her family’s townhome. Evidently, the lessee died recently and she is looking into the house to see what to do with it next.” His mother took a slow sip of her tea. “I believe she has intentions to move in there herself.”

“Yes, she mentioned she planned to stay in London.” Roe was struck again with the notion of having Caroline close by all the time. As it was, he had difficulty keeping his hands to himself, especially since that kiss. But having her here permanently would be his undoing.

“Indeed.” His mother slathered a piece of bread with some preserves. “To be honest, I believe she’s been bored with our country life as of late. Perhaps it has all become too tedious for her. She’s too intelligent to be sitting around embroidering all day.” She took a bite and chewed thoughtfully.

He’d of course thought of Caroline over the years and had sent letters to his mother inquiring on her well-being. He even visited on occasion, but he’d never known precisely what Caroline did with her time. Evidently, she’d been playing cards and perfecting her game, as it were. “Is that what she does, she sews?”

“Absolutely not, she’s terrible with a needle and thread.” She waved her hand dismissively. “In any case, I’ve made arrangements to give her my board position with the Dover Street Girls’ Asylum.” She took a sip of her tea. “It will give her something to do whilst she’s here. Of course, she could always reintroduce herself to polite society, but I believe she has no intention of doing that.”

“Why ever would you give her
that
board position?” Roe drank the rest of his coffee, then stood to pour himself another cup. His mother had been on that board since the orphanage had been founded. It was a long-standing cause of hers. “It is your favorite charity, is it not?”

“It is, and the charity that I’ve been with the longest, though I haven’t been to a meeting in ages. Now my efforts and funds can go elsewhere. There are so many wonderful charities.” His mother placed her napkin on the table, then folded her hands in her lap. “Besides, the orphans are a special cause for Caroline, she feels a kinship with them. She needs to feel as if she’s giving them hope. I believe if she could, she’d take many of them home.”

“Yes, she mentioned as much, though it is a ridiculous notion, since a single woman is not allowed to take in orphans.” It was one more reason why he and Caroline could not be. He had no business raising children. He wasn’t a good example and had no intention of changing that. He’d thought to try it once, and had courted a woman with the intention of marrying her. But he’d let temptation get the better of him and had come face to face with the truth. He was too much like his father. So he’d decided then that Monroe Grisham would not marry, nor would he be a father. The men in his family were terrible at such things.

“This, I realize. And that’s why the board position puts her in the right place to help the way she wants, too.”

Roe wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. The people already on that board would be so knowledgeable about how things in London worked. Caroline had such little experience with that. It wasn’t that she was naïve, because she was a rather good judge of a person’s character, she’d have to be to play cards as well as she did. But he knew she’d be eager to help. Perhaps too eager.

“Of course, I realize this board position should fall to you, as my son, but I didn’t think you would be interested. Am I correct in that assumption?”

He made no comment. He didn’t have any real interest in things that weren’t monetary. But he could protest the board position, insist he have it so Caroline might then return to the country where she belonged. Then again, that wasn’t fair to her. What he should do was demand she be reintroduced into Society and find herself a husband. He knew, though, that Caroline would never agree to that. He’d tried once and the conversation had not gone well. Perhaps, however, there could be another reason for her to return to Society.

“She has her first board meeting today. I’ve already sent notice to the rest of the board members to welcome her in my stead,” his mother said.

“Indeed.” He downed his second cup of coffee. “Mother, you know what Caroline needs to do is find a suitable husband and get married. She needs someone to take care of her, provide for her. Certainly she wants to have her own family, since she obviously cares a great deal for children. And time is not so much on her side.”

“I will not insist she marry someone she does not wish to marry.”

And he knew she meant that. If Millicent Grisham, Duchess of Chanceworth, could start a charity that made it possible for women to not have to marry men they didn’t want to marry, she would do it. She’d been miserable in her own marriage and never wanted another woman to be put in a similar situation.

“You know I love you and Justin, and I wouldn’t change my past simply because of you boys,” she said. “But no woman should have to endure that kind of life. That being said, I do think Caroline would be happier if she found a worthy partner.”

“She will not agree to such a thing, though. But being out in Society would give her the most access to eligible men,” Roe said.

His mother was quiet for a moment. She tapped her finger on her lip, something she did when she was formulating an idea. She used to do it when he was a boy and she was trying to think of a new game for him to play in order to avoid one of his father’s particularly foul moods. When she hit on an idea she’d give him one of her impish smiles. And there it was.

“Well, you know that being on the board of the orphanage is such an important duty and she’ll need better contacts, especially if she is to help raise any necessary funds,” his mother said.

He bent and kissed his mother’s cheek. “You’re brilliant, you know that.” Then he left her alone in the dining room.

He suspected the feelings Caroline had claimed to have for him at one time were long gone. She’d been but a girl at the time and had fancied him merely because she saw him as her savior. If she knew the truth about Christopher’s death, however, she would likely never forgive him.

Having her leave had been the easiest way to handle his growing desire for her and the temptation she presented, but that wasn’t an option this time. He certainly couldn’t marry her. She deserved better.

Until she had found her place in Society, learned more of their ways, he’d make certain no one took advantage of her. He’d go to that board meeting today and claim his own position on the board.

…

Caroline poked the key in the hole at the front door. Her hands shook and her nerves threatened to evacuate what little food she’d eaten for breakfast. She took a slow, steady breath.
You can do this
. With a click, the lock unfastened and she opened the door. It had been closed since Mrs. Murdock had died three weeks ago. Her family had already come and retrieved her belongings, so all that remained was the furniture and fastenings that Caroline’s family had left. She had not been in the house since Christopher’s death, when she’d been sent to live with Roe.

It was decided at the time to lease the house and wait until Caroline was of age and married before determining what to do with it. She’d been of age for six years, but Mrs. Murdock had been a good lessee, paying on time, and not causing trouble. Caroline had only corresponded with the woman by letter; she’d never actually met her or seen the house while the woman had resided in it. The Murdock family had told her that their matriarch had a penchant for stray dogs and had taken many of them into her home. Her son had said that there was some damage done by the large canines, but Caroline had no notion of the extent of the damage. Her heart thundered as she turned opened the front door.

When she stepped inside, the stale odor of stillness and stuffy air assaulted her. The wood paneling that lined the entryway was dull and scratched as if it had not been polished in quite a long time. She could see some small chips and holes in the floor and the baseboards, with obvious chew marks.

She walked into the first room, noticing the wallpaper her mother had put up one summer had faded and torn, peeling off the wall. Every room was in worse condition that the last, and the sight of them nearly brought her to tears. But she refused to cry. Yes, the house was in disrepair, but it was still in good enough shape.

With enough money she could make the house shine as it once had. She would have to speak to some architects, but she felt she had saved enough to get much of the work accomplished, or, at the very least, started. She could ask Roe to loan her the difference and slowly pay him back. Unfortunately, she had no real way to make any income, especially since he was doing everything he could to ensure she didn’t go back to Rodale’s to play.

She supposed she could go to another gaming hell, but she was no fool. Roe was right—her disguise might work for a time, but she’d be putting much at risk to go elsewhere. She was too practical for that. There had to be other ways to develop an income. Perhaps she needed to discuss with Roe ways to invest and create more interest for her to live on. Of course she had studied the stocks so much while in Dorset, it had become one of her favorite pastimes. It would be nice to have access to her funds in a way that she could invest in the stocks she followed.

In the meantime, she had the orphanage to work with. She knew Millie loved that board position and it meant everything that she gave it to Caroline. To assist with fellow orphans would go a long way in making her feel as if she’d done something worthwhile with her life. There had to be a reason why she was the only one in her family that was left. Perhaps this was it.

She stepped into what had been the formal parlor. Tears stung her eyes as she looked around. The furnishings were the same, though now old, faded, and worn. What had been her mother’s favorite settee was in tatters, the springs exposed where the upholstery had torn. She ran her hand over the carved wood, remembering the day her mother had brought it home. She’d been so proud; they’d all been. Her dad’s baronage had been granted by the queen, and it was so new for all of them. They’d been accepted warmly by a few of the titled families on the street, even though others never considered her father as anything more than a wealthy merchant.

Caroline looked around at the shell of the house that had once been her home, the home where her parents had lived together as a loving couple. The home where she and Christopher used to run up and down the stairs, chasing one another, him wanting to put ink in her hair and her wanting him to teach her how to shoot.

She’d be a fool if she didn’t admit that moving back here, with all the memories, would be so difficult. It would bring back all of the pain and grief she’d experienced when each member of her family had died. But moving back here was her only choice, and she had the opportunity to do something wonderful, to transform all those feelings of sorrow into something more meaningful. She could bring hope and laughter back to this house.

Living in Roe’s house, even if it was a country estate he never visited, felt as if she were waiting for a love that would never come. Waiting for him to notice her. She couldn’t do that anymore. She
wouldn’t
do that anymore. Even if one day Roe did love her, it wouldn’t last forever. Hadn’t she learned that again and again?

That kind of love—the romantic fantasy of love—it didn’t last. It burned hot, bright, and fast. When it burned out, it left you scarred and raw. She would never again get close enough to let that kind of love burn her a second time.

Tomorrow, she would come back, make a list of all of the things that needed repaired, and have an architect give her estimates on what said repairs would cost. At the moment, however, she was almost late for the board meeting.

As she walked through the front door, she nearly slammed it in the face of a man standing on her front stoop. She started, kept her hand on the door. “May I help you with something?”

“Miss Jellico?” the man asked. He stood about her height, perhaps a bit shorter, but he was older by at least a decade, possibly two. “I’m Peter Murdock, Mrs. Murdock’s son.”

“Oh yes, of course. My apologies. Did you leave something here you need to retrieve?”

“Not precisely. I’m afraid we’re going to need to make good on that lease. We’ll need to retain the house for the designated length of time.”

“What? But we agreed—”

“Yes, well, things change. And a legal document is binding. It would seem that I will need to move into this address myself.”

This couldn’t be happening. They’d agreed. She took a deep breath. There was no need to panic. She probably had a way out of this; she merely had to speak to a solicitor. “Mr. Murdock, I’m afraid I can’t discuss this at the moment, I’m late for a meeting. And I’ve already scheduled repairs for the house, so you’ll have to wait until those are completed.” Perhaps that would provide her enough time to figure out how to get rid of the Murdocks for good.

…

Caroline stood on Dover Street, looking up at the building that took up nearly a block of space. It was four stories high and constructed of white limestone. A small staircase led up to a shiny black door. To the right of the door was a small carved sign that read “Dover Street Girl’s Asylum.” Caroline tapped the knocker into the door.

“I’m here for the board meeting,” she said when a woman answered.