A Midsummer Tight's Dream (7 page)

No one took any notice. Everyone was too busy screeching, although some girls were practicing ballet positions. Or a bit of tap.

In the end Gudrun blew a whistle and shouted, “
Achtung!!!!
”

I was looking for the Tree Sisters when I heard a really posh voice behind me say, “Railly, railly nice to see you again.”

There they were—Lavinia, Anoushka, and Davinia. Lav, Noos, and Dav. The girls from the year above.

Lav was smiling at me. She looks even slimmer than she did last term and her hair’s all sleek and coppery. Even though she has a skirt and top on like mine, hers look about a million times more expensive. She said in a really bad Irish accent, “Bejesus, Tallulah, did you have a nice time in the old country, in Oireland, begorrah, begosh, bejesus?”

And she ruffled my hair.

Oh God.

I forced myself to smile and said, “Oh yes, well, hello.”

Gudrun started waving at us like a maniac and yelling, “Come and get registered, girls.
Schnell, schnell!!
”

Lavinia snaked her arm around my shoulder like I was her bestie, and said to me, “I railly, railly want to see more of your performances this term, Lulles.”

Lulles? Maybe I should call her “Lavs” as my own little joke. Yeah, I could say, “I’m just going round to the Lavs,” and so on, hahahaha … oh, she is still going on.

“I know you had like a railly hard time last term, you know with your Sugar Plum Bikey.” She looked at me and smiled a sympathetic smile. Which somehow made me want to poke my finger up her nose.

But she was STILL banging on.

“So I am railly determined to help you through this term. We could get together and try some ideas out.”

Oh no.

She was still talking.

“Hey, Lulles, begorrah, bejesus, I have just had an IDEA. Doh, how stupid am I? Why didn’t I think of it before? We could get our friend, you know, the boy from the pub, the one who has gone to Liverpool … Alex, that’s it, isn’t it? Yah, we could get him to come in and give us his professional opinion.”

I said, “Oh yes, that is a great idea.”

Oh yes, get Alex to come in so you can fawn all over my Alex.

My good Alex.

My Alex, who gives me three kisses on his letter.

Yes, I will let you fawn over him just as soon as I hear that hell is freezing over and has opened up a skating rink for fools.

I didn’t actually say that, I said, “Hmmmmm mmmmmm.”

Anyway, he wrote a letter to me, not her, and when I write back, I will not mention her.

Then the assembly bell rang and Lav, Dav, and Noos went off into the main hall.

Flossie came over and put her arm around me and said, “What does she want? Does she love you?”

I said, “She ruffled my hair and she talked about eggs.”

We finally got into the main hall—nothing seemed to have changed. The stage still has papier-mâché boulders on it from our end-of-term
Wuthering Heights
.

I based my Heathcliff on Cain Hinchcliff. Not the Irish dancing, that was just something my legs did all by themselves, but the shouting and stroppy badness. And the moaning was based on him. No licking though. Because I didn’t know about it at the time.

It was quite gloomy in the hall because not many of the lights seemed to be working.

Flossie said, “Brr, it’s cold in here. I got rained on in the dorm last night.”

Jo said, “Wait till it snows, they will have to chip us out of our sheets. This place is falling down.”

Vaisey was bobbling around, all excited. “Oh, Lullah, wasn’t it good when you were Heathcliff and you came back from London all moody and mean and then you called for your dog, and Matilda came on in shades and a leather jacket!!!”

Vaisey was right, I was spiffing.

We linked up and looked about. There were loads of familiar faces, Milly and Tilly, Pippy and Becka. I couldn’t believe my luck really. Here I was at a proper performing arts college. Away from home. Boys around! My own little gang.

I was so overcome with happiness that I gave a spontaneous girl hug to Vaisey and said, “Pass it on.” And she passed it on to Jo, and Flossie, and they passed it back. We started swaying and singing, “There’s no people like show people!! They smile when they are down!”

I had my arm around Flossie and she was back in Texas in her head and she yelled, “Why, Miss Tallulah, take your goddam hand off my corker, I’m not that sort of laydee.”

I shouted above the hubbub, “You know you love it, you lezzie.”

I thought I would just try out some new words from my cousin Georgia. I’m not completely sure what they mean but … hey, I’m improvising!!!

At which point I felt a looming presence. Something behind me. A cold chill went through my body as I heard that dreaded familiar voice.

“So, Talluuuuulah Casey, regrettably we meet again. Remember I am watching you. I have my eyes on you. Always. Sit down.”

I looked up into the stern, forbidding, beak-like face of Dr. Lightowler. We all sat down.

As she walked past us and up toward the front of the hall, Jo said softly, “She still hates you times-a-million.”

Vaisey said, “She just loomed up from nowhere. Did she frighten you? She frightens me.”

Flossie said, “Her beaky eyes are watching you wherever you go, even on the lavatory.”

I said, “I think she is part owl because her hearing is—”

Blimey, she
is
part owl because as I spoke her head turned back toward me, but her body didn’t! Just her head. Spooky dooky.

She looked at me, not blinking.

I looked back at her, not blinking. I couldn’t help it.

We were two owls looking at each other.

I felt a little twitch in my lower lids.

A voice inside my head warned me, “No! Don’t start raising your lower eyelids like your owl impression. It’s not funny. It isn’t funny.”

Then another voice in my head said, “It IS funny. Go on, do it. It is very, very funny.”

The first voice said, “Just do one eyelid, just a little eyelid raise. Or a slow blink. She’ll never notice that.”

Then my legs began to feel tingly and restless.

No, heavens, no! Not an owl impression and Irish dancing at the same time. She’ll eat me alive!!!! Bit by bit … head first …

Save me!

But then thankfully she walked on. (Not with her head facing backward.)

As we sat there waiting for Sidone to arrive, Jo said, “Did you get a postcard from Honey?”

We all nodded.

Vaisey said, “I wonder what her big news is?”

I said, “She’s probably done multiple snogging.”

Vaisey said, “Multiple? Is that …” Then Monty came onto the stage. Good Lord, he’s wearing a pink leotard. Just. He is quite porky. He looks like he has got little snacks in his cheeks that he is saving for later.

Flossie said, “He’s goddam beautiful.”

But I don’t think she really means it. Anyway, we gave Monty a big round of applause.

Monty was delighted to be back. His little piggy eyes were sparkly with enthusiasm for the theater.

He clapped his pudgy hands together. And gave us a little twirl.

“
Mes enfants, mes enfants … l’aventure commence
. The ADVENTURE commences.
Tout de suite. Immédiatement
. Once again, we at Dother Hall embark on the noblest of voyages, we are voyaging to the land of entertainment. Of magic!!! Of transformation.”

And he did a spontaneous pas de deux.

Jo said, “If he does that again he won’t be in that leotard for long.”

I said, “No, he’ll be in an ambulance.”

Flossie punched my arm. And said in her Texan drawl, “Why, Miss Lullah, that was very nearly a goddam joke y’all told there.”

Monty was still talking.

“And guiding us as always on our journey is our captain. Or should I say, our captain-ess! The brightest star in our firmament. The wick of our candles. The bow to our arrows. The beaver in our midst. Ms. Sidone Beaver!!!”

Monty skipped back and stood in third position as Sidone slowly came onto the stage.

She was wearing a riding outfit and a black, feathered hat. With an eye patch. And a riding whip.

Vaisey whispered to me, “That’s what I wear when I am Black Beauty.”

I whispered back, “What, you wear an imaginary eye patch when you are your imaginary horse?”

She said, “Yes.”

I smiled to myself. This is the life. Proper friends who share everything together.

Sidone was looking at us. Her eye roving over the rows of expectant faces before her.

At last she spoke.

“My girls, my girls, once again we enter the theater of dreams. Our hearts filled with hope, our feet ready to bleed if necessary. Once more we strive, strive to reach the stars. Because, as the old saying, goes …”

Sidone was using her projecting voice. Rolling her “r”s and pausing a lot. Flicking her whip.

“All of us are lying in the gutter … but … some of us … are looking up at the stars!”

There was a round of applause and Monty pirouetted.

Sidone hadn’t finished though. Her voice got very deep and emotional.

“And some of us are being spat upon by the taxman. But let me tell you, my girls, we shall not be spat upon and take it lying down. We shall rise up and wipe off the spit and turn it into clouds of stardust.”

She swept off the stage and we all looked at each other. What did that mean?

Flossie said, “It doesn’t say anything in my timetable about spitting.”

Vaisey said, “I think she means it sort of metaphorically. You know, like pretend … spitting …”

Jo said, “So does that mean we’re doing mime spitting?”

This is what performing arts is like. People, or “artists” as I suppose we are technically called, talking about mime spitting. It’s the
thea-tah, dahlings
!!!!

After assembly, we drifted off to first lesson and I said to the others, “My cousin told me how to make boys like you. You go like this, flicky hair, flicky hair.”

And I did flicky hair, flicky hair.

Then we all tried flicky hair, flicky hair as we walked along the corridor.

A voice behind me said, “Tallulah Casey, walk properly.”

I looked after Dr. Lightowler as she swept down the corridor, her cloak billowing behind her.

I said, “Why me? Why does she hate me? Maybe she holds my knees against me.”

We had Monty first thing. He had managed to get out of his leotard and had his tweedy suit on and a waistcoat.

He clapped his pudgy hands together and said, “Oh, girls, joy of joys, once more we go back to the Bard. William, William, William Shakespeare. As you know, our group project this term is
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
, his hilarious romantic comedy. Ah, the puzzle that is romance!!
Le grand amour
. The dreams, the fantasies. I remember in Copenhagen a dark night, the stars peeping from the firmament, probably looking down in amusement at the antics of us humans wandering around the Reeperbahn. Giggling, dancing, high on the emotions of
la romance
. I said to Biffo … well, well, never mind. What larks, girls! What larks!”

Vaisey and a few of the girls have been in productions of
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
before. But I had never even read it. After hearing about Monty and Biffo in the Reeperbahn I am not sure I want to.

Monty said, “But I will show you what I am going to do with the sacred text. I’m going to do this.”

And he kissed his copy of
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
and then flung it to the floor dramatically.

He looked at us.