A Perfect Christmas with Chaos (Harbingers of Chaos Book 2) (4 page)

A hush falls over the entire room and Lily stops in front of him. It then dawns on me why Goose looks like he’s about to vomit. But it hasn’t dawned on Lily yet, because she looks around with panicked eyes, and then asks Goose. “What’s wrong, baby?” She runs her hand through his hair and tucks a piece that’s already fallen again back.

Goose grabs her hand somewhat abruptly. He grabs the other too and holds her hands for a split second, before he drops down to one knee.

Gasps echo around the room.

Lily’s hand flies up to cover her mouth. “Finn.”

“Baby, you’ve probably been wondering what the hell’s been going on with me. I know I’ve been acting fuckin’ mental. But I’ve just been trying to find a way to ask you somethin’ important. Probably the biggest question I’ll ever ask you.”

We’re all smiling, and half the women are already crying. So when Lily bursts into tears and starts shaking her head no, and backing away, the entire room goes absolutely still.

The fear in Goose’s face changes to panic. “Baby.”

Lily loses it. She turns and while whispering, “I’m sorry.” She runs out of the room.

Goose doesn’t pause for a second. He shouts her name and runs after her, leaving us all standing there trying to make sense of what just happened.

The women start to chatter first. Not me or Bethany. Both of us are looking at each other wondering why Lily didn’t say yes. She loves him with every bone in her body. So why run?

“It’s their business,” Dozer says loud enough for us all to hear. “Stay out of it.”

“Come on, everyone. Let’s open presents,” Cap suggests and it’s a good subject change, because as soon as he says presents, one of the kids shouts, “PRESENTS!” and we’re all engulfed in a circus of kids screaming and running into the house, shouting the same thing.

By the time I open my last present from my new HOC family, I’m exhausted and ready for a nap. They spoiled us—me, Will and the baby. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m going to do with all the stuff I’ve been given.

Grabbing the last present under the tree, Will thrusts it into my hands. “Mommy, you still haven’t opened your last present.” My eyes dart to Sunny when Will calls me mommy. She’s sitting beside Smoke and curled up at the end of the couch. Her eyes turn sad for a mere second, before she smiles at me and nods. Smoke cups Sunny’s knee and squeezes it.

She confessed to me a few weeks ago that she was seeing a therapist, and that she was working through a lot of things. One of them being the guilt she’s had for so long about not being a good enough mother to Will. She also told me that seeing how good I am to Will and how much she loves me actually brings her a measure of peace. I don’t know how, and I don’t know if she truly means it, but hearing her say it helps relieve my fears that she’s not going to one day change her mind about giving Will up. It’s done after all, but if she ever wanted to be a bigger part of Will’s life, I would let her. Really for the both of us, it all comes down to what Will wants and what’s best for her.

And it always will.

“Open it.”

I consider it for only a second. But one look around the room and at all the people still hanging about and I shake my head. Mav says from where he’s sitting behind me, holding me. “This one came with special instructions for her to open it alone.”

Will’s little nose wrinkles. “But I want to see what’s inside.”

“I’ll show you after I open it, okay?”

She rolls her eyes at me, but walks away, and instantly finds something else to entertain herself with within a few seconds.

Soon after, people start gathering their things and taking off. One by one every guest leaves. Except Griz who sticks around for a while so Will can show him everything she received for Christmas, and my new preschool, though I’m sure by the knowing smile he sends my way, he’s already seen it.

I snuggle deeper into Mav’s arms and enjoy the feel of his hot breaths on my neck. He pulls me to the right a little so I’m sitting a bit more on his lap. Murmuring into my ear, he says, “Mmmm…did I tell you how good you smell today. I love this new perfume.”

I shake my head no.

“No. Well, it makes me want to bend you over right here and now, and fuck you senseless.” He trails kisses from behind my ear to my neck. “Did I tell you how hot you look in your new clothes?”

Again I tell him no. He rubs his hand down my tight black stretch pants, on the way up it slides to the back of my thigh. He lifts me so I’m sitting right on top of him. “I love the feel of these. You’re covered but it feels like you’re naked.”

Will comes running into the room and Mav immediately stops everything. Will has caught us more than once in a compromising position and let me tell you, it’s extremely hard to explain to a five-year-old why Mav’s hand was up my shirt.

Especially off the top of your head.

“Mav! Griz wants to see me ride my bike. Will you come help me one more time? Just push me and I’ll ride it like I was doing before.”

I hear Mav give a tired groan, not because he doesn’t want to help, but because we’re both exhausted. Instead of making up an excuse, he tells her yes, and scoots me off his lap. Before leaving, he kisses me deeply, and says, “Maybe now’s the best time to”—eyeing the present I’ve sat on the couch beside me—“open that thing and get it over with.”

I think he’s right. Christmas is nearly over, and I’ve put it off long enough.

“Just let me make sure it’s not anything I need to worry about, okay?” When I finally nod at him, Mav grabs the present and starts to open it. We sort of had an agreement, that even though it was addressed to me, Mav would at least be the one to open it and make sure it wasn’t anything that would harm me or the baby, or scare the life out of me.

He turns away from me a little after he gets the wrapping paper off. I see that it’s a small wooden chest, but not what’s inside when he lifts the lid. I do however see Mav’s frown, and his displeasure at finding out what’s inside.

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him.”

Reaching for it, I say, “What? What is it?”

He goes to pull the box further away from me, but I say his name, he pauses.

“It’s from your Pappy.”

My stomach churns. At the same time my heart beats a little faster. “What is it?” I ask again.

“A letter and some pictures.” After a second or two he says, “Pictures of him and by the looks of her, your mom. It doesn’t look like their affair was a one-time deal either.”

EMBER

Ember,

I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. And I don't blame you for ripping this up right now and cutting me out of your life, if that's what you see fit to do. What I did, or from what at least you know about it, looked like I didn't care to find out that I had a daughter. Although God’s honest truth, child, that's the farthest thing from the truth. I'm not making excuses. I’m just letting you know that what you've heard isn't all there is to why I put a hit out on you. And you have a right to know why I did what I did. See, when news of you and your boyfriend went public. I didn’t have a clue at the time that you existed. And at first I didn’t believe it. But I guess some smart reporter figured it out somehow from your mom’s history and your last name, that you were my daughter. He came to me first. Wanted money to keep quiet. He never lived to tell a soul about you, but I thought if he could figure it out, so could someone else. And I was right. It wasn’t long before more sharks, either out for green or blood, started circling in the water. I made a lot of enemies. Most of them, sick bastards I’d never let near a stray dog, and I would’ve put an army between you and them if I’d known where to find you. But I didn’t. So I did the only thing I could to keep you safe.

I played like your life meant nothing to me. I played like I’d kill you myself if given the chance. And like I had guessed, interest in you being used to hurt me died instantly. It was a fucking gamble. I know that. And I’m so fucking sorry that you were put in the middle and put in danger. If I could have protected you from ever having to go through that, I would have.

I ain’t a proud enough man to not tell you the truth and say that I’ve made a mess of my life. I’ve made so many wrong turns that I lost my path along the way. I fucked up a lot. Hurt a lot of people. I have so many ghosts haunting me that some days I’m not sure I’m still sane. Maybe I’m not.

I’ve made mistakes a plenty. Your mom and lettin’ her slip through my hands being the biggest.

When I found out that I had another kid. A child born from the love me and your ma shared, I think it made one of the top five best days of my life. I immediately wanted to know about you. Everything. I wanted to meet you. But because of who I am and the wrong choices I’ve made, I knew right away that wouldn’t be possible. You’re better off without me in your life.

I was both relieved and scared as fucking hell when I found out you were with the HOCs. You don't know this and Smoke doesn't either, but I sent him to you. I sent your brother too. I thought it would only take one look at you for my secrets to be laid bare and for them to somehow see you as one of us.

For you, I was willing to let my and your ma’s secret out and hurt my oldest friend. Because if there was a chance he would protect you, then it was worth it. Maybe you don’t believe me. Maybe it looks like a coincidence. And that’s okay. The only thing that matters is you’re safe now, and you have a man that will protect you, and a club at your back.

There was one other point to writing this letter and now that my wife has passed from this world, I can finally make contact with you and tell you that the woman who’s responsible for your mom disappearing on you has been punished by God for it.

That’s all I can say. That and your moms isn’t coming back darlin’.

I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.

It’s my fault. All of it. I didn’t ever lay a hand on your mom, but I’ll take all the blame just the same, because it would have never happen had I not fallen in love with her. Had I not pursued her. Had I not begged her to be brave and love me back.

I’m sorry.

I wish I could go back. Change things.

I wish I could know you.

But I’d rather have you live and raise beautiful babies, and be happy, and healthy. So I think the best thing to do now is say goodbye and wish you a good life. A full life.

Should you ever need another army at your back...your brother, and the other Greenbacks are only a call away.

With all the love in my heart,

D.P.
 

Sometime during the middle of reading the letter for the third time, as the sobs tore out of me, I feel Mav’s arms slide around me. He pulls me close. Holds me tightly. And whispers loving words into my ear.

He growls that he’ll kill him, my father, for ruining our first Christmas. He says he already warned him that if he ever so much as made contact with me, he’d bury him.

I appreciated Mav’s words and a small part of me thinks maybe this whole thing is one big lie or a way for my father to hurt me yet again.

But deep in my heart, it reads true. And though a huge part of me is crying for a mother I now know is dead, a very small part of me is also consoled by finally knowing what happened to her, and that she didn’t leave me by choice. I will finally be able to close this open chapter of my life. A chapter I’ve never been able to close before. Not really.

It seems only fitting going into the new year with Mav, our new family, and with our new baby, that I leave the past behind. Warner. My mother. My guilt about Sunny, and of taking over my role as Will’s mom.

I decide right then and there that this will be my New Year’s resolution. To let go of the hurt holding me back and welcome a future of happiness. All the happiness that I know is coming my way with Mav, and Will, and this baby.

I will welcome it with open arms. I will embrace tomorrow. Every. Single. Day. Of. It. And though I won’t forget…I will forgive and move forward.

Mav tilts my face up. He’s about to ask if I’m okay. Before he can, I whisper yes, and that I love him, and that right now I want him to love me like only he can do.

I don’t have to ask twice. Mav wipes my tears away, and trails kisses over where they fell down my cheeks. He picks me up and carries me to our bedroom. After laying me down in our bed, he tells me he’ll be right back, and he leaves for a little bit to take care of Will and tuck her into bed. When he comes back, Mav does his best to erase thoughts of my mother and my father.

He shows me for hours why we are and will always be the perfect match for each other. That this was always my path. And he will always be my choice.