A Pretty Pill (15 page)

Now she’s broken hearted too
, because the only woman that can possibly hold a candle to that has simply vanished.

I still have my connection with the guys at MMA
, and Silas has proved to be a good friend.  He convinced me to buy an Xbox360; I already have one at home in LA; but then once I was online, he began meeting me in the inner space of the gaming sphere and warring with me into the night on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends. 

It’s pretty pathetic, when your social world consists of looking forward to weekends in front of a television, playing war games with someone ten years your junior.

Silas asked me last night while we were online why I’m not out there attempting to tap some pussy; I told him that I’m cradling a broken heart, thinking he’d scoff at that and make me feel like a dickhead.  But he didn’t.  He actually told me that that sucked balls and that if he could do anything for me, anything at all... I’d only have to ask!

***

“Seb,” I shout out, “You keep leaving yourself open on your left side!  You’ve got to close off the openings by putting your arm in this position!”  I explain, showing him his error, “Or you can lean your body away and place extra weight on your right foot so you can lure your opponent in and then deliver a defensive blow with your left leg!” I explain, showing him by having Silas come at me but not being able to complete his move because I effectively give him a decent kick in the head with my left foot.

“It’s not an easy manoeuvre
,” Seb states, “Because Beau can grab my leg and tip me.” He grumbles.

“That’s why you need to either finish the move by slamming your foot down or twisting away!” I explain, displaying the move with Silas again.  “Seb
, you’ve got a nice high kick on you, this should be fairly easy for you.” I say.

He’s nodding
; Beau’s beginning to unwrap his bandages from his hands, and Silas notices the movement and begins to do the same.

I look at the clock
, its 10:12pm.  I tell them all that they’ve put in a good effort tonight and start packing up.

“You know how you were complaining about those headphones you have?” Silas asks coming over to me wearing only his boxers, and beginning to dress in his jeans and other riding gear.

“Yeah... they came with the console, but they’re uncomfortable as shit!  I have a pretty decent pair back at home, but they don’t sell them here in Australia.” I explain, buttoning up my jeans and then zipping the fly closed.

“Yeah, well I have a pretty good set as I said.  I was just
thinking that if you’ve got a little time up your sleeve right now, you can just pop over and give mine a try before buying a new set of your own.”  He explains.

“Um
, wouldn’t your sister mind you having people rocking up to her house late at night?” I ask, pulling my hoodie over my t-shirt.

“Nah
, she doesn’t work weekends, so she’ll be up late to catch up on some documentaries or some shit like that.” He says.

I think it must be pretty cool to have a sister, let alone a sister that is more than willing to look after you and take all your crap for years.

“Are you sure she’ll be cool?  I mean I don’t want to tread on anyone’s toes.” I explain.

“Nah man... Jade’s as cool as!” he says. 

My heart’s stopped beating... green eyes, sister named Jade!  She’s looked after a little brother since she was 19, after their parents died.  Silas’ parents are dead.  His sister looks after him!

Shit... shit, shit, fucking arsehole shit!

“What does your sister do for work anyway?” I ask, barely able to hold in the pending emotion.

“She’s a nurse.” He says, pulling the straps of his back pack over his shoulders and turning to grab his helmet.

I’m almost hyperventilating, it’s taking every God damn ounce of strength I possess right in this moment not to grab Silas and demand he take me to his home right now!

“I suppose I can come over... I’m not busy
, I just hope your sister’s reaction to seeing me isn’t fucked up.” I say calmly.

“Oh no
, you’re only coming over for a quick look anyway, she’ll be fine; besides she hasn’t met you yet, and she likes to know who my instructors are and warn them about me.” He chuckles.

“You never know... I might know her
, I’ve known a couple of Jade’s and even one that’s a nurse!” I explain obliquely, shoving my feet into my joggers.

Silas chuckles, “That’d be cool!” he says.  “Just follow me
, we live in East Hamilton.” He says, turning around and walking towards the door.

I grab everything up and shove it all into my duffle bag
, following him out the door.

Jade.

I haven’t been able to return to the gym
; so I’ve bought a season pass to the swimming centre and have returned to swimming.  It’s now been three weeks since the kiss that shattered me and made me realise I wanted Ben, in every way possible!  And I ran!

I fucking ran!
  No, no... I fucking ran
after
I slapped him across the face, because he made me feel earth shattering desire and desperation for him.

And I did it all in front of his mother... his terminally ill mother!

I groan every time I think about it, and I want to crawl under the couch and live with the worms that are meant to reside in tiny dark spaces... or is that cockroaches? No, I’m a worm... completely spineless!

I can’t even contemplate returning to face him.  I haven’t been with anyone in so long
. I’ve never even loved anyone before, and the hurt of losing another person, as in Sabrina, it’s just too much to contemplate.  He wouldn’t understand...
what the fuck am I saying?  Of course he fucking understands.
He’s lost his Dad before; he’s living the nightmare of losing his mother!

I’m a coward.  I’m absolutely sure that Ben will be fine
; he’s used to going from one woman to the next, isn’t he?

I’ve been floating along just dealing with the essentials.  I’ve lost a lot of my commitment
to exercise, and I know I do little to hide that in front of Silas.  He’s definitely noticed.

I take an alternative route to get to work so I don’t accidentally run into Sabrina and Ben coming out of the hospital.  I’m more broken than I’ve ever been... completely fractured
. I’m back to lamenting the dark and crying all the time at the indirection that is my life.

I’m seriously fucked up!

I’m sitting in my SpongeBob SquarePants winter pyjamas, and lounging on the couch watching
David Attenborough
talk about the forest animals of Northern Europe.  The scenery is stunning... the animals are majestic and beautiful.  I’m downing my fourth glass of low alcohol red wine, because I want to, and I’m allowed to, and I don’t care how I feel about tomorrow.  Realistically, if I drink the whole bottle I still would’ve only had five standard drinks, which is why I only buy low alcohol drinks these days.  But I feel it in my head, and it makes me kind of wish I could go out and do shots, get hit on by some hot guy and give it all up for a night of hot fucking!  But then the image I imagine... the hot guy and the fucking, it’s all Ben. 
Ah shit!

I’m feeling sorry for the
snow leopard at the moment, and I start to tear up just as I hear Silas’ bike outside indicating he’s home.

Ben.

I’m breathing in laboured and staggered motions as I reach my car and Silas’ bike parked near it.

He rides a Kawasaki Ninja 250,  I already knew this, but I’ve been so stupid, dumb and stupid... I just can’t believe I never made the connection between Jade and Silas before now.  I can’t believe I had the key to her at all times right in front of me.  I’m not going to use Silas like that though; I mean, I want to pump him for information right now about her, but I’m simply not going to; because that’s a dog move!  We’ve become friends on our own merits; I’m not rocking that boat for nothing!

I get in the car and throw my duffle bag across the seat.  Then I look toward him and salute him to let him know I’m ready!

***

Silas pulls into a drive of a small white house
and I pull in right behind him.  To confirm my suspicions that his Jade is my Jade; a Kawasaki Ninja 650, coloured silver and maroon, is lit up in my headlights and sitting in the drive under a carport, now next to his.

I have no idea what I’m going to say to her
, all I know is that I’m not going to chase her anymore!  I’m going continue with my friendship with Silas, and I’m going to continue to build him into a fucking fantastic MMA fighter.  I intend on continuing to visit him; especially now that I know where he lives, and I’m going to be around Jade every little bit of time I can manage.  But I’m not going to chase her. 

If she wants me
, she can have me... I’m already hers!  But she’s got to bloody well come to me and chase after me if she wants to claim me!

Silas makes his way to the front door, and I exit my Mum’s car and follow him.  We step through the front door, and I realise I’m not breathing properly, and that my heart rate is the highest it’s been all night!

We’ve entered a lounge area, and from what I can see, the house is small, but tidy and clean.  The furniture is actually nice, and it all matches each other.  I know directly in front of me lays a three seater couch and a single lounge chair, opposite a flat screen television on an entertainment unit; but I choose to ignore this area for now, because I can also see that the television is being watched by a certain red headed female.

The dining area which is more an extension of the lounge area, has a square table with four chairs around it... but it’s obviously a table that can extend into a six seater table, because there are two chairs sitting either side of a three door hutch against the far wall.

The door on the far wall must go through to the kitchen, but the light is off.

To my right, just beyond the television is a small
open area, which operates as the hall.  Immediately off the lounge area is a bathroom... and I can see a bedroom door further along at the end of the ‘hall.’  I can assume that if I were to walk around the television and into the ‘hall,’ I would discover another door to another bedroom.  I’m wondering which one is Jade’s, when I should be concerned with which one is Silas’.

“Jade
, this is Ben, my MMA instructor; I’m just showing him my headset for the Xbox360, and then he’s off home.” Silas explains.

Finally I let my eyes fall to Jade, seated on the couch.  She’s a sight for sore eyes, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her know that.  Unfortunately I can’t help my thick throat right now, and my stupid jerky movements; but I manage to walk forward and lean over to her and offer my hand to shake.

“Hi, I’m Ben. Silas is really talented.  I’d love to speak to you some time about his potential career in MMA!” I grind out of my enclosing throat.  I sound completely different, and I’m sure she can hear my pain being forced out in my small speech.

She shakes my hand weakly, and swallows loudly herself.  I know she’s affected by me, because the glass of red in her other hand is shaking like an earthquake is currently in full swing.

“Hi, thanks for taking care of him; he’s been talking about your classes for months!  I thought I knew who you must be, but I really had no idea!” she whisper’s unsteadily.

“Well h
e hasn’t told me anything about you at all either” I offer, “he keeps all knowledge of you tucked away... I guess to protect you.  But then everything I’ve learned about Silas has been from Silas and nobody else either.  I guess that’s what people tend to do; protect each other!” I say as cryptically as I can, but getting dangerously close to revealing my knowledge of this woman to Silas.

Silas just shrugs and says, “Yeah
, I don’t talk about Jade much; she’s my sister after all!  But I thought Cliff would’ve spilled all about me to you.” He reasons.

“No,” I say
, staring at Jade, unable to take my eyes off her cute pyjamas and her clearly shocked expression, which I think is tinged with a generous amount of guilt.  “He didn’t tell me shit!” I explain.  “But since you’ve explained your issues regarding yourself honestly, I guess that’s a whole lot better than getting a second-hand flimsy version of it, hey!” I reason, my voice finally returning to normal the longer that I talk.

Silas beams at me and n
ods his head once in a sideways agreement.

“This way Ben
; you try these headphones out, and then if you like them, you can buy your own tomorrow so you’re no longer fucking up our games!” he argues.

I roll my eyes, which releases me from her hold on my soul, momentarily
; and allows me to walk away from her.

“I am not your problem
, Daniel from California is. He says he’s good and on the ball, but he’s always slow at rearming, it gets us killed because we’re a man down sometimes, waiting for him and covering his arse!” I say, following him to the far door and walking into a room that is covered with posters of death metal bands, Halo art and bikes... Ducati’s, Kawasaki’s and a Triumph.  His bed is a queen bed and it’s an ensemble with a carved, wooden headboard... quite nice!