A Promise for Tomorrow (39 page)
“Oh, I think he loved me from the first moment we met,” Victoria said with a romantic sigh. “I think I did, too. But Kiernan, being older and wiser, said we should give it time to make sure we weren’t just riding on the wind and hitching ourselves to stars. Isn’t that a wonderful way of putting it?” Her eyes were alight with love.
Carolina nodded. “I suppose it is. But, Victoria, I think you should give it more time than just two years. I think both you and Kiernan need to think about the consequences of marriage. Especially in light of the fact that you want to journey to California. Many people have tried to find their fortune in gold. It isn’t anything new. But it is a hard life and there isn’t always a pot of gold to be found waiting for the searcher.”
“You’re just being negative,” Victoria said, getting up and taking the pink muslin gown with her. “You just want to keep me a little girl, wearing clothes made for a baby. You don’t care if I’m happy or not.”
“That is not fair, nor is it true,” Carolina said, getting to her feet. “My concern is born out of my love for you. Kiernan is a great deal older than you, and as a full-grown man he should know that such things are not to be considered lightly. If you are quite serious about this matter, then we need to sit down and discuss it with your father.”
“Maybe Papa will understand better than you,” Victoria replied. “After all, he’s older than you, just like Kiernan is older than me. In fact, Papa is seven years older than you and Kiernan is only four years older than me. And my real father was a great deal older than you were and still you married him.” She turned and walked to the door. “I think Papa will understand,” she added and left the room, leaving Carolina to stare at the empty space where her daughter had stood only moments before.
Shaking her head, she wished most sincerely that James were with her at this very moment. What a thing to have to bear all alone. But a voice down deep inside reminded her that she was never alone. God was her constant companion, and she had but to turn the matter over to Him.
“It’s so hard for me, Father,” she whispered. “She’s so very young, and I fear that the life she’s planned out for herself is hardly the wisest choice. Help me in this.” Just then voices could be heard in the hall, and with a sigh, Carolina moved to close the door against any further intrusion to her thoughts. This matter would not be easily resolved, and she had little desire to answer anyone’s questions at this point.
Moving back to her window-seat perch, Carolina grew only too aware that she longed for her own home and for the comfort of her husband. Oakbridge had ceased to be her home, and while it held fond memories of carefree days, Greigsville was her home now. Wherever James was—that place was home.
Feeling that way, it wasn’t hard to imagine her daughter’s desire to share her life with Kiernan. Even if it meant dragging herself clear across the continent to do so, Victoria was in the process of transferring her little-girl attachments and affections to more grown-up propositions. There was still time, Carolina knew, and even comforted herself with the knowledge. But time wouldn’t change Victoria’s heart if Kiernan O’Connor was indeed the man God had chosen for her to love and marry.
“How difficult it is to let children grow up,” Carolina said wearily. “And how very hard it will be to let her go.”
As the date for their departure grew near, Carolina felt an urgency to seek her mother out for a final moment of private consultation. Of course, they’d had many talks already, but with so much happening, they never seemed to get all the time they desired. She wanted to talk more with her mother about Virginia’s mental state and illness, and Martha’s death. Carolina had seen her sister’s health improve, but her spirits were still dangerously depressed. Carolina had hoped to stay on until she knew for sure that Virginia was out of danger, but that appeared to be something that might well be slow in coming. Virginia had to want to get better, and she had to forgive herself and seek God. And while she was more open to do the latter, Carolina knew that forgiving herself came hard.
Then there were Carolina’s own trials, small by comparison to Virginia’s, but they nevertheless weighed on her. Nothing seemed right. Brenton and Nate had managed to get themselves into one conflict after another—not against each other, but always in trouble together. Several times they had been caught sneaking cookies, and what really perplexed Carolina was that she knew her son had no great love of sweets. Another time, the boys had broken a music box that had sat atop the mantel in the music room. When questioned about why he had tried to take the box down, Brenton had turned sullen and silent, not at all the open, reasonable child she had known in Greigsville. Nate, too, seemed unwilling to speak about each incident, and Carolina found herself perplexed as to how to treat the matter. Then there was Jordana, who seemed always to get in one fight or another with the twins, and finally, Victoria, who pined for home and Kiernan.
So now with her departure scheduled for the next day, Carolina was desperate to have her mother to herself.
It was her mother’s routine of late to depart the company of everyone and seek a time of private rest in the afternoon. This always came after the noon meal and fell in a time that found the children well occupied with Miss Mayfield. And so it was that as they departed the dining room for their various corners of the house, Carolina followed her mother up the stairs.
“I wondered if I might intrude on your private time?” Carolina asked.
Margaret stopped midstep and looked at her daughter thoughtfully. “I’ve sensed that you had a great deal on your mind. I didn’t want to pry.”
“Nor did I want to trespass on your respite.”
“Well, do not concern yourself with that,” Margaret said, taking to the stairs once again. “Come and sit with me and we will speak of what’s troubling you.”
Carolina followed her mother upstairs, certain that she would seek out the family sitting room. It was a pleasant surprise, however, when she held to her routine and opened the door to her bedroom.
“No one will disturb us here.”
Everything in the room was just as Carolina remembered it from childhood. Her mother’s ornately carved wooden dressing screen, the wardrobe, and canopied bed were all designed in the same Gothic pattern. Everything held an air of familiarity. Of course, there had been changes. New blue damask drapes had been put in place shortly after Margaret’s return home, and the canopy and quilts had been changed to match. But the furniture arrangement and scent of her mother’s lavender and jasmine were the same.
“Come sit over here,” her mother motioned, taking a seat on a blue velvet lounging couch.
Carolina drew up the dressing table chair and placed it beside the couch. It instantly struck her as ironic that only recently she’d shared a similar moment with Victoria. Only then she had been the mother and Victoria the daughter. Now Carolina took her position as daughter, and instead of feeling reduced in position or threatened in credibility, Carolina suddenly felt very comforted that she could seek this older woman out for counsel.
“I will miss you when you are gone,” Margaret said, smiling sadly.
“You have no idea how I will miss you, Mother,” Carolina replied, struggling to think of how she might share her heart in so short a time.
“But that’s not the reason for your melancholy, is it?”
Carolina smiled. “You know me so well.”
“Not half as well as I should,” Margaret replied. “I remember clearly a time when I did not understand you or your desires. I regret that I did not even seek to learn.”
“But you had more than enough with which to occupy yourself.” Now that Carolina was a mother herself, she knew this was no mere lame excuse. “I hold you no ill feelings for that. I came up against all that was traditional and laid out for womankind, and that you should have found yourself unable to understand me was certainly no reflection on you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Carolina. I believe it a mother’s place to know her children better than anyone else. Her interest should be with them, or she should not have them. Look at Virginia’s children if you doubt my word on this.”
Carolina gave a heavy sigh. “I try to know my children, but I find that I constantly seek to interject my own philosophies and desires in place of their own. That’s part of the reason for this discussion.”
“Victoria?” Margaret asked, seeming already to understand Carolina’s plight.
“Yes. I suppose I am confused by her desire to do nothing more than marry young and begin housekeeping. She has fallen in love with one of the Irish laborers, and from her own acknowledgment and what I’ve seen with my own eyes, I know that he also loves her.”
Margaret smiled. “But you find this unacceptable, eh?”
“She’s only thirteen. How can she possibly know her own heart?”
“How did you know your own at that age?” Margaret asked gently.
“But I didn’t seek men’s affections at thirteen.”
“No, but you sought their minds.” Margaret studied her carefully for a moment before continuing. “You knew, even then, that the education of masculine studies was something you had to obtain. You were striving to take in all that you could from your father and brother. I used to fret something fierce about it.”
“I remember,” Carolina said with a slight smile. And indeed she did remember. Listening to her mother speak of the matter helped her easily to see that her dilemma with Victoria was nothing new.
As if reading her mind, Margaret reached out to take hold of her hands. “You see, don’t you? You understand that this thing with Victoria is much the same as it was with you and me?”
“Yes, I do see that. But now that it’s more acceptable for a woman to continue her education, albeit only moderately so, I presumed that Victoria would desire such a thing for herself. After all, money is hardly the problem.”
“I presumed you would want to run a plantation and be a planter’s wife,” Margaret replied. “You were raised to understand that this was to be your place in life, but you refused the confines of such a thing.”
“But I am content being a wife and mother,” Carolina said, then shook her head. “Well, maybe not in full. I still long to be allowed an active part in the railroad. Women’s roles are still greatly limited and there is no need for my presence on the B&O.”
“And you desire that there might be?”
Carolina nodded. “With all my heart.” The conversation that she thought would center around Victoria had suddenly taken a new turn. “Maybe that’s why Victoria is such an enigma to me. It seems only natural that a young woman, with the entire world at her feet, should choose something other than early marriage and motherhood.”
“But why? I married young and immediately had children,” Margaret replied. “I didn’t regret it, even when my children died. I would not have traded roles with any other person in the world.”
“I suppose I do understand that. I would not wish my marriage or children to be gone,” Carolina admitted. “I suppose I just feel that there should be more. I long for more, and when Victoria implies that she can be content with this and nothing else, I grow frustrated.”
“Because of her feelings,” Margaret posed, “or yours?”
Carolina realized with an awareness that almost hurt that her mother had somehow uncovered a vital piece of information. “I fail to understand how a thirteen-year-old child can be content when I cannot.”
Margaret chuckled. “Victoria doesn’t have the knowledge and experience you have, for one thing. For another, her interests and ideals are different from yours. You know what’s out there. You have seen beyond the wall, so to speak. You once played perfectly content in your own garden, but one day you climbed up the wall and saw with your own eyes what lay beyond. Victoria is content in her own garden.”
“But what happens when she’s no longer content? What if she marries and then learns the truth of there being many other opportunities out there?”
“But she has seen, hasn’t she? Have you not already told her of the possibilities that await her?” Margaret questioned. “You have told her of college and the benefits of education. You’ve no doubt shared with her the possibilities and benefits of being an independent woman with means of her own. She has seen over the garden wall, but the world beyond doesn’t appeal to her as much as the one within. Would you fault her for that, as I faulted you?”
“But she’s only—”
“A child? Or an uninformed young woman?” asked Margaret. “Yes, she’s young, but because she is young, she has a great long path ahead of her and will most likely change her mind several times in an attempt to fine-tune her desires. Carolina”—her mother squeezed her hands gently—“now that I’ve gone through all that I have, I can honestly say to you, this, too, will pass. It isn’t that the situation is not important. Nor even that Victoria is very young and very vulnerable. No matter what you do, whether you forbid her to marry or accept the situation and help design her wedding gown, the only thing that really matters is that you stay true to God and true to her.”
“I don’t see how I can do one without stepping on the toes of the other,” Carolina said with an exhausted sigh.
Margaret dropped her hold and leaned back against the couch. “It might appear contradictory at first, but what I’ve found with time and honest effort is that it fits perfectly together. First, you align yourself with God. You seek Him first and foremost and allow your thoughts, decisions, actions, to be based solely on the Word. In doing so, you allow Him to guide you into a peace and contentment that I cannot even begin to explain.
“When I was younger,” Margaret continued, “and you children were small, I was convinced that my position in society revealed my true character and nature. I focused on the works I could do and how those works would be perceived. I fretted and stewed that someone might think ill of me, and when you children grew old enough to begin appearing publicly, I worried that your actions would become a reflection of me. So when York was expelled from college, and Virginia shunned suitor after suitor, I took it very personally. I felt that somehow I had failed, and that the general public would perceive this failure and find me to fall short of the mark.