A Question of Manhood (29 page)

“Doesn't answer my other question. Why do you want a dog like him, anyway? What are
you
trying to prove?”

JJ looked at me a minute. “What makes you think I'm trying to prove anything?”

“With a dog like that? You're the one who was so sure the tattooed guy was trying to prove something. Why are you exempt?”

“I took Cain so he wouldn't be killed, knowing my mother could help me learn what he needed. I keep him for the same reason. If I tried to give him away, I couldn't in good conscience do that without revealing his history. I'm telling you, a dog that has killed another dog has to be handled by someone who really knows what they're doing.” He let a few heartbeats go by. “I do.”

So fucking calm. So fucking self-confident. I felt pulled two ways. One was to beat the shit out of him. The other was to beg him to teach me how he did it. But at least I could challenge it. “You know what I don't like about you, José Jesus?” I didn't say his name very well, but I didn't care. “I don't like that you're so full of yourself you don't think you can make a mistake. I don't like that you're so calm all the time, like nothing can rattle you. I don't like that you act like nobody can hurt you, nobody can touch you.”

“Calm works for me. If I responded to your anger, or anyone else's, with my own? Let's be real: how much of a threat can I make? And you're wrong. I can be touched. I can be hurt. But not by someone who blusters and jumps around and is full of hate for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Not by someone who doesn't have the guts to get to know me because his friends would make fun of him. I can be hurt by someone I love.”

He stood and looked down at me. “I came back hoping you were still here so we could talk about the dogs, so I could help you be as good a pack leader for Dante as possible. I still want that, and I'll still help in any way I can. But not for you. For Dante. And Paul, learn a lesson from Dante. It did him no good to bark and growl and snap when he came up against a dog that didn't bother with that.” Again, the heartbeats. Dramatic effect. “I won't bother with that.” He turned, walked out, and shut the door behind him. Quietly.

I got up, ran to the door, and threw it open. “Wait! What do you know about me? What would you tell my dad?”

JJ half turned back toward me, a lopsided grin on his face. “Nothing. Scared you though, didn't it?” He winked and walked away.

That night I had another dream about Chris. He and Mason were in the jungle, and all around them these booby traps kept going off. And after each explosion there was this high-pitched cackle that sounded just like Marty. At first the explosions frightened Chris and Mason when they went off, but when nothing ever happened except the noise and the cackling, the two soldiers smiled at each other and then hugged. And then they kissed.

Still half asleep, I sat up in bed. My head was churning. I had to do something to clear it, and the only thing I could think of was to go into Chris's room.

Sitting on his bed, the room felt different somehow. Different from how it usually felt when I went in there. It was almost like whatever part of Chris had still been in here had been leaking out. Maybe Mom and I had used it up between us.

I hadn't tried to stop him from going back. Oh, I'd thought about it. I'd yelled it in my head, begging him to go with me to Canada and become normal again. But I'd said nothing, just listened to him step down the stairs. And then I'd given him nothing but a fucking salute as he left. So maybe, like Cain, I had somehow killed my brother.

I fell sideways onto my dead brother's bed and bawled like a stupid kid.

Thursday JJ was back at work, talking to me the same as he always had. Which is to say not much, but like our little confrontation in the stockroom hadn't happened. I was tempted to act pissed off, but I decided it wasn't worth it. Plus, he kept going to check on Dante, make sure he was okay, and we kept meeting in there. So it was easier just to be ourselves.

Around eleven or so, I had reason to be glad I was playing well with others. I was just coming out of the stockroom when who should I see going into the office, undoubtedly for an appointment with JJ, but Laura Holmes. Remember Laura? The woman of my dreams? The one whose virtue I wouldn't let Marty force me to violate? There she was, long blond hair falling in cascades down her back, white short-shorts stopping the view of her tanned legs at just the right (or wrong, depending on your point of view) spot, a peppermint-candy-striped and body-hugging top with sleeves that just capped her shoulders. There was a woman with her, probably her mother, who had a yappy miniature schnauzer in her arms. You'll forgive me if I don't describe the mother. I barely noticed the dog. Needless to say, I made my way toward the office.

Fuck that; I ran.

Dad had just finished introducing Laura and Mrs. Holmes (I'd been right) to JJ when I appeared in the doorway, doing my best not to let on how short of breath I was. Dad looked my way, irritated, and Laura and her mom turned toward me.

Laura, bless her heart, spoke first. “Oh, Paul! I didn't know you were here. Are you working in your dad's store for the summer?”

JJ went next, and when he was done I could have kissed him. Sort of. He moved over to me and said, “Paul has been helping me recover a violent dog—a German shepherd—and he's taken over the final stages. Perhaps he'd be interested in working with us on Truffles.” He turned toward me. “Would that interest you, Paul?”

I was smiling like an idiot and barely got out, “Sure.”

To Dad, JJ said, “Mr. Landon, I hope I haven't spoken out of turn, but Paul has shown a real interest in this process. Is this arrangement all right with you?”

Dad just stared at me like he didn't know who I was. Finally he said, “I suppose so.”

Meanwhile the schnauzer was squirming, and Mrs. Holmes put it down. Truffles was wearing a powder blue collar with a matching leash attached to it, and she immediately started nosing all around the office. As it happened I was the first unknown person she approached. I raised my eyes away from her and just let her sniff.

To Mrs. Holmes, JJ said, “You see how Paul is essentially ignoring the dog and just letting her find out who he is through smell? A dog's most powerful sense is smell. Puppies can smell before they can hear or see, and they rely on that sense throughout life to provide critical information about their environments, including people. If Paul were to acknowledge her right away, it might lessen the position he hopes to attain as dominant over the dog.” Truffles moved on to JJ. “Paul, would you mind getting the type of collar we've been working with? Obviously, Truffles will need the small size.”

Suddenly I had no problem being JJ's assistant. In one giant step, he'd made me sound like an expert, a valued colleague, to Laura. And, really, to my dad as well. On my way back to the office, nearly dancing in fact, I sent up a silent prayer that I could remember everything I'd seen JJ do, or heard him say—like not looking at the dog right away—so that I didn't make an idiot of myself. Maybe I couldn't ask Laura out this week, and maybe not next week, either, but when I could she'd sure remember me.

The little group was on its way outside but still in the store, Truffles yipping and tugging out in front of Mrs. Holmes, and I joined them about ten feet from the door.

JJ said, “Now, here's an important lesson for Truffles to learn, and for you to learn as well. Paul is going to attach the leash to the collar he's brought, and then he'll show you how to handle the leash and the dog in a way that will give you the best control.” I wasted no time getting the choke collar on Truffles and attaching the leash to it. Then I held the blue collar so the dog wouldn't dash forward and choke. “This is good for the dog for many reasons, which we'll go into in more detail outside. All set, Paul?”

Trying to sound calm and professional, I said, “Yes, I believe so. May I have the leash handle, Mrs. Holmes?” I held it just like I'd been holding Dante's, though with a smaller dog I had to make some adjustments.

JJ kept on saying things to the Holmes that he knew I knew but might forget, to make sure I looked as good as possible. “Paul is going to wait until Truffles is relaxed and ready to obey before he—”

“He's choking her!” Mrs. Holmes cried out.

“No, I assure you, that won't happen. What he's doing is giving gentle tugs on the leash to let Truffles know he is asking for her attention. This is the best way to convince her that he will be the leader and she will be the follower. If you let your dog pull you on the leash all the time, you have allowed yourself to be the follower. She's the leader.”

Truffles kept starting up and trying to dash off, and I kept up with the “gentle” tugs, so JJ had plenty of time to reply to Mrs. Holmes, who wanted to know about the dog going to the bathroom, as she put it, or having fun smelling things.

“The leader decides when those things take place. I'll show you in more detail outside, but first we have to establish leadership.” He glanced down at Truffles, who had finally decided to stand still. “Now Paul is going to show you how to get Truffles to sit and wait for her next instructions.” I leaned over and pushed down just above her tail with pointed fingers. “This is the easiest way to communicate your intent. Truffles might learn to sit on verbal command, but unless you've established yourself as the leader she'll do that only when she wants to. What Paul just did is the way another dog would indicate what it wanted. Of course, it wouldn't use a hand. Paul's fingers acted like the gentle prod of the lead dog's mouth.”

He looked at me. “I think we're ready. Do you agree?” I nodded and stepped toward the door, and Truffles trotted quietly beside me.

“Paul,” Laura's sweet voice said, “that's fantastic! I can't wait to try it.”

“Now Paul is going to use the same technique that he and I used on the German shepherd when we get to the door. Note that Paul is going to use the leash to make sure Truffles does not lead him out. He is going to lead her.”

Thank you, JJ. I almost forgot that. And I nearly laughed; it was just like Jack had said: “Thank you, Jesus!”

I won't take you through the entire list of wonderful things I did with that dog. Dad watched just long enough to be satisfied that I wasn't going to make a mess of things, and JJ took over toward the end so he could demonstrate some things like the bit about how to “allow” the dog to have some loose-leash time for exploring, but he did it without making it obvious that I wasn't as good as he was at these things. For all Laura could tell, I was a star pupil and knew everything there was to know.

At the end of the session, which went on much longer than the scheduled thirty minutes (again, thank you, JJ), Mrs. Holmes knew how to walk Truffles the way she should, and so did Laura. Mrs. Holmes stood there gushing over JJ for a good three minutes, and I sent up one more silent Thank You when he carefully turned in a way that put Mrs. Holmes's back to me. Which gave me some time with Laura. First we talked about school starting again soon, but then I asked her if she'd seen
The Day of the Jackal
.

“Ooh, no. But I'd love to. It's supposed to be really good.”

I hedged as well as I could. “I'm kind of tied up here most evenings for a little while, what with the dog training and all. But can I call you after that? I'd love to take you.”

She smiled. Smiled! “Sure. I guess that would be okay.”

Mrs. Holmes interrupted us. “Laura, dear, why don't you walk Truffles to the car the way we've learned about? And JJ, oh—and Paul, please tell Mr. Landon how much I appreciate this service. I'm sure we'll be back.”

JJ was all business professional. “We'd love to see you. And why don't you keep the collar with our compliments?”

“Oh! Yes, of course, that isn't ours. Thank you, young man. Thank you very much.”

As the two of them walked away from us, I devoted just enough time to the retreating figure presented by Mrs. Holmes to get an idea where Laura got her looks. And I was still standing there like an idiot when JJ said, “I think that went well.”

I held out my hand to him. “Thank you.”

We shook and he grinned. “I had a feeling this young lady had caught your eye. Now, you see how much sense it makes that I'm gay? Otherwise I'd have had her fawning all over me.” He punched my arm, winked, and started back toward the store.

He wasn't all bad, this kid. Quite a sense of humor, too.
Fawning all over him indeed.
But—he did have those deep brown, almond eyes…. Whatever, I was flying high all afternoon.

And over dinner, I was trying to figure out how to bring it up to Mom in a way that didn't sound like I was bragging—or that gave away how much it had meant to me to spend time with Laura—when Dad did it for me.

“You'd have been proud of your son today, Irene.” To me, “Paul, I had no idea you'd picked up so much from JJ. I was watching from inside the store, and you were doing most of the work with the dog.”

“Yeah, I've learned a lot watching him, and working with Dante.”

“I had my doubts, after what happened with JJ's dog. But I guess you learned an important lesson from that mistake, didn't you?”

“What happened?” Mom wanted to know. I knew I hadn't told her, and although I hadn't picked up anything from her that indicated she knew what a problem I'd caused, I'd still sort of expected that Dad had told her.

Dad took a sip of water and leaned back in his chair. “Paul, why don't you tell your mother about it? I'd kind of like to hear what you have to say.”

I took a deep breath. If I handled this right, I was planning to ask, sooner than I might have otherwise, about getting some of my money and some car keys for a date with Laura.

So I described the scene, “just the facts,” mostly. I told how I hadn't known what JJ's idea was, with the fence in between, and I gave him credit for having the great idea to use the hose. By the time I was done I was really hoping I'd walked that line in a good way. The line between “I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and was just trying to show JJ up” and “I was an idiot and I'm sorry and I'll never do it again because JJ has told me everything I did wrong.”

Mom was nodding, looking at Dad. “So that's what you wouldn't talk about last night. I knew there was something when Paul was so far behind you getting home, and the two of you didn't say one word during dinner.” She turned to me. “Your father wouldn't say a word to me. I asked.”

I looked at Dad, who was now tearing away at a corncob.
How d'ya like that? He didn't just come home and tell Mom what a bad boy I'd been.
I was so amazed at his discretion that I nearly forgot where I wanted this conversation to end up.

“So, anyway, Mom, do you remember the girl I'd been wanting to go out with? Laura Holmes? It was her, and her mother—”

“She, Paul. It was she.”

What the f…nobody says that. Never mind.
“It was she and her mother who brought in the dog that I worked with today. Her mom was really nice, and she couldn't say enough nice things about JJ.” Ha! That ought to help my case. I'm not bragging.

And Mom, bless her heart, picked up on it. “Sounds like she should have said a few nice things about you, too, dear.”

I shrugged. “The good news is that they both know a lot more about how to handle their dog now. I think they really got it. Don't you, Dad?”

He nodded. “I do. I do think so.”

Mom said, “Well, that's a great story. Andy, if you're finished with your corn, Paul and I will clear for dessert.”

But I didn't want things to get too far away from the topic. So once we were all spooning strawberry-covered vanilla ice cream out of our bowls, I opened.

“Dad, Laura is the girl I was hoping to take to see
The Day of the Jackal
. It's still playing, but it won't be around much longer, and I know she'd like to see it. What do you think?”

He let about two spoonfuls go by, chewing slowly. I knew he was dragging this out, but I also knew that was probably a good sign. Finally, “I suppose in the interest of customer service, we could allow this one event.” He stabbed in my direction with his spoon. “But this doesn't mean you're off your own leash, young man. Just this once for now. Then we'll see.”

Rather than press my luck, I opted to wait until later to ask Mom if I could borrow her car. But right after dinner I checked the movie times, and then I called Laura. And she said yes! The second time I'd ever asked her out, and she'd said yes both times. Never mind that it was nearly a year since the first time. I was just lucky she wasn't going steady with some guy. We agreed on the Saturday after next; she already had a date for this weekend. No surprise, I suppose; I was just gonna have to be that much better. I was up to that.

Thank you, JJ.

 

That Sunday afternoon, between appointments when customers brought their dogs in to work with JJ, the Carters came in. I'd gone to oversee Marty and Kevin, who were into the cat toys again. What was with that, anyway? I didn't want them getting me into any more trouble, or my date with Laura could be jeopardized. But when I saw the Carters head straight for the amphibian area where JJ was working, I couldn't say why but I made my way in that direction as casually as possible. Even from a distance I could tell they were excited, and as I got closer I heard Mrs. Carter talking.