A ruling passion : a novel (88 page)

can figure out what that is. I want to go to college and catch up on being with people my own age and learn about the world and just think about things. But I don't want people to think I'm a... fake. Was I awful, just now.> I wanted people to beheve me!"

"They'll believe you because they want to," said Nick. "You were very good, and most people aren't as smart as Valerie. Anyway, it was the words that counted, and we both admired them. I think you shouldn't worry."

"Dad, could I talk to you a minute?" Chad asked. He was near the door, standing on one foot and then the other. When Nick went to him, he lowered his voice. "Do you think Mother saw that.>"

"Probably. Didn't you tell me she watches all three network news shows at once.>"

"Yeh, but maybe not now."

"Now more than ever, I'd guess. What are you thinking about, my friend.>"

"I thought maybe I... well, I felt kind of bad, you know, thinking about her watching Lily say all those things. She's probably alone; she doesn't have any friends, and I thought maybe she'd feel lousy about what Lily said, how she'd loved her once, and trusted her. You know. So I thought, maybe, you know, 'cause she doesn't have anybody..."

"You want to talk to her."

'Well, yeh. I mean, she doesn't have anybody to tell her they'll, you know, just . ..be around."

Nick held his son close, then ruffled his hair. "You don't mean a telephone call. You want a ride to Middleburg, right?"

'Teh." Chad looked up at him. "Thanks, Dad."

'Tou know I won't go in with you."

"No, she'd be mad if you did. Could you just wait for me in the car? I mean, I won't be very long. We never have a whole lot to talk about, you know."

"I know." Nick went to Valerie, sitting in an armchair beside Lily's bed. "Chad wants a ride to Middleburg. It will take at least a couple of hours."

"I'll stay with Lily," Valerie said immediately. "You two go ahead; I'll be here when you get back."

He leaned down and kissed her. "Thank you, my love." And he and Chad left, to drive to Morgen Farms.

All the lights blazed. The house looked festive, each window a bright, welcoming sun, and lanterns illuminating the long drive-

way. "She's having a party," said Chad uncertainly.

"I don't think so," Nick said. "There aren't any cars."

"But..."

"I think she didn't want to be in the dark."

"Oh."

Nick parked a little distance from the house. "Go ahead, now. And take your time. You don't have to rush."

"Okay." Chad opened the door, but did not move. "Do you think she'll be glad to see me?"

"I don't know," Nick replied. "She may be glad and not know how to show it. She may be ashamed because of what she's done, and it will be hard for her to know that you know all about it. I don't think you should expect her to be more friendly than she's been in the past."

"Yeh. That's kind of what I figured. Okay." Chad propelled himself out of the car before he could think about it anymore, and dashed up the driveway, past the festive lanterns, to the front door. The bell sounded very loud when he rang it.

"Come in," the buder said. "Your mother is in the television room."

"Thanks." Chad ran past him, up the stairs to the room adjoining Sybille's bedroom. Once it had been Valerie's dressing room; now it held four television sets, two oversize leather chairs, and a round coffee table piled with books. A bottle of cognac and a balloon glass were on a small table at Sybille's elbow.

"Hi," said Chad, and stood just inside the door until Sybille turned from the four blaring television sets, each tuned to a different channel.

She frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought you'd like some company. Can I come in?"

"Company," she repeated. "Why?"

"I, uh, I saw... I was watching... Can I come m?^^

She shrugged, and Chad took that as permission. He sat in one of the huge chairs, trying not to slide on the smooth leather all the way into its depths. The butler came in with a tray holding a glass, a variety of soft drinks and a plate of cookies. He set it on the coffee table, near Chad's chair, and left as silently as he had come. Chad slid forward and poured ginger ale into the glass. He took ice from Sybille's ice bucket. He took two cookies. "Thanks," he said.

Sybille was watching the television sets, her eyes sweeping in an arc across them and then back. Chad waited, nervously crunching cookies.

trying to pick up the crumbs that fell on his lap. "You were watching what," Sybillc said at last. She still looked at the screens, but she touched a button that cut off the sound.

"Lily. On television. I thought you'd feel bad if you saw it, 'cause she said—"

"I know what she said. Why did you come here?"

"I just said. I thought you'd feel bad."

"And what did you think you could do about that?"

"Just..." Chad squirmed. He wished he were somewhere else, anywhere else. He couldn't stand the stiff way his mother held her head, because it looked so unhappy, but he was afraid of it, too, because it also looked fierce and unapproachable. "Just tell you I was here!" he blurted. "I hate it, being alone when something awful happens, and I thought you'd hate it, too, and I didn't, uh, I didn't want you to be lonesome!"

Sybille's mouth worked. "That's very nice."

Love me, Chad begged silendy. Please love me, please, just a little bit.

She sat still, looking at the screens. "You're getting to be a big boy. You'll be as tall as your father."

"Yeh. Or taller. He says." His shoulders were slumped. I guess she can't, he thought. Maybe nobody ever taught her to love anybody. Except... I didn't know you had to learn that.

"She lied," Sybille said flady. "They all lie about me. Remember I told you people did that?" Chad was silent. "Remember?"

"Yeh," he said.

"I took her from nothing. I made her one of the most famous preachers in the country. And I took a small part of the money that came in for Graceville; that was my due. I told her all about it; she said I should do what I wanted, even take more if I needed it, because I deserved it. She knew what she owed me. We understood each other. But somebody kidnapped her and poisoned her with lies. She said she thought she loved me! She said it on television!"

"Yeh," said Chad. "Well, I just wanted you to know, you know, that I'm around. I mean, I don't think anybody's poisoned, but if you wanta talk or anything, or have dinner, or whatever, you could call and we could go somewhere. I mean, I could hsten if you just feel like talking. 'Cause you're not, uh, hke, alone. Whenever you feel like it. You know."

Sybille seemed to be watching an automobile chase on one of the

screens. 'We never have very much to talk about."

"No. I mean... I guess not. But we could, like, learn."

"I'll be in jail," she burst out after a moment. "I've lost everything I've worked for, my whole life, did you know that? I don't know how it happened, it started perfectly, but it just... fell apart. And now I'm going to jail. You'll hate me there."

"Could you, uh, could you look at me?" Chad asked.

Slowly, Sybille turned her head.

There was a long silence as they looked at each other. In that oversize chair, his mother looked small, Chad thought, as if she'd shrunk. Her hair wasn't as neat as usual, and she was wearing a terrycloth bathrobe. He'd never seen her in a bathrobe; she was always dressed in something with fur or gold buttons or something. She looked lonesome, he thought; with just those tvs to keep her company.

Chad felt a terrible pain. He ached with it, and it took him a minute to realize it was pity. His throat was full of tears; he thought he was going to throw up. He jumped out of his chair and stood beside Sybille. Without planning it, he put his hand on her hair, as if she were a child. "I wouldn't hate you, I couldn't. You're my mother and I'll take care of you. Or, you know, do whatever I can. Like visit you, and call, and send you books and flowers and stuff, and... you know, whatever you want. I just... I just wish..."

She looked at him; she had to look up to do it. She fixed him with her pale-blue eyes, and perhaps she wanted to tell him she loved him and perhaps she didn't. Chad never knew, because even though he never stopped wishing for it, he never heard her say it.

"I'll call you, okay?" he said at last. His voice was choked and sad. "Like, every day, if you want."

"If you want to," Sybille said.

"But, do you want me to?"

"Well, why not? You can tell me about the world when I'm in jail."

"Maybe you won't be, though."

She was silent. She could not say the words attempted murder to her son.

"Well," Chad said. "I guess I'll go."

She nodded and turned back to the television sets. She had never asked how he got there.

"I'll call you."

"Fine." She paused. "Thank you for coming." She struggled a minute. "I'm glad you did."

Chad beamed. She really was happy to see him. She really needed him. He bent down and kissed SybilJe's cheek, twice. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." He grabbed another cookie from the plate, and sprinted from the room and down the stairs. The butler was waiting at the front door, to let him out. As he did, Chad heard the sound of four television sets begin again.

Lily was asleep when they returned. They had stopped along the way to get Chad a hamburger, and when they walked into the hospital room Valerie was reading in her armchair. She looked up and saw Chad's sleepy face. "That was a good thing you did," she said, going to him. "Fm so proud of you."

Chad put his arms around her, nuzzling his face into her neck. "It wasn't frin."

"I'll bet it wasn't. But it's no frm to ignore people in trouble, either. You don't like yourself much if you do." She held him away from her, his face between her hands. "I love you, Chad. I'm awfully glad to know you want me to be part of your family."

"Yeh. I love you, too, Valerie. I love you, I love you, I love you." In a burst of energy, Chad made love seem real again after his confusion with Sybille. It oughta be easy to love, not hard, he thought, but he was too sleepy to pursue it. "Are we staying here?" he asked Nick. "I'd kind of like to go to bed."

'We're leaving this minute," Nick replied. But when they turned to go, they saw that Lily was awake.

"Was it all right?" she asked Chad. "It must have been hard."

"Yeh, but it was okay. I'll tell you about it sometime, if you want."

"I'd like that." Half sitting in the hospital bed, wearing the same blue robe she had worn on television, Lily looked at Valerie and Nick, close together, their arms around each other. "I wish I could marry you. Wouldn't that be wonderftil? But I can't, not after what's happened. In a few years, maybe... but you don't want to wait that long."

"No," said Nick emphatically. "We've waited fourteen years. Not another day, if I can help it."

"But you could give us your blessing," Valerie said, and looked at Nick.

He smiled at her. 'Tes. That would be wonderftil. After so many storms, we'd like very much to begin with your prayers."

Lily's face was radiant. She sat up and stretched out her arms. Still holding each other, Valerie and Nick put their hands in hers.

S74 Judith Michael

"May the Lord bless you and keep you," said Lily softly Her voice was steady and confident; the voice of a woman who had begun to find her way.

"May the Lord make his countenance shine upon you...

"And give you peace."