A Safe Space (Someone Else's Fairytale Book 4) (34 page)

I was wrong to turn down dinner or a movie. Those might be date type things to do, but this is more intimate. This is the kind of domestic errand that implies that we’re comfortable doing anything together. I’m still famous enough that people peer at us, and with my luck, the paparazzi will have decided that this is another day they want to get my picture on my weekly shop. I hope and pray that no one recognizes Devon from that kissing photo. The last thing I want to deal with is gossip columns speculating about my love life with any measure of accuracy.

I try to read calorie counts and price tags as I browse the store but see nothing but squiggles. Fortunately, I’m not real creative with my groceries, so I fill the cart with the usual items. Once I check out, Devon helps me carry my bags.

It’s then that I realize that I’ve effectively invited him up to my apartment, and I wonder what Kyra would have to say about that.

I let him into my apartment building, and we ride the elevator on up. Kyra, it turns out, is home, and Devon shrinks away from her inquisitive glance. As I put things in the fridge and cabinets, he stands like Kyra’s a cop and he needs to keep his hands visible at all times.

“How’ve you been?” she asks him.

He pauses as if trying to figure out if that’s a trick question. “Okay.”

“I hear you’re back working at the gym.” She doesn’t bother to look up.

He shrugs.

“I’m glad. You’re really good at it.”

“Right. Sure.”

While I’ve never had a father, I can’t help but think that this is how a conversation with one would go. One person just chatting and the potential boyfriend panicking at every little nuance. I hide a smile as I fold up my grocery bags and put them away.

Kyra wanders out of the room, which I take to mean that I made an okay judgment call to bring Devon back here.

“You hungry?” I ask. “I just eat brown rice and veggies for dinner.”

“Me too.”

Well
, I think,
that makes sense, given his job.

So we eat seated across the table from each other. I’m trying not to spill food down my front and he’s looking like a cutout from a magazine ad right down to the way his shirt is open at the collar. He’s quiet, so I conclude that it’s my turn to keep the conversation going.

“How is it, being back?” I ask.

“It’s good, even if things aren’t all worked out with us. It’s better than not seeing you at all.”

I nod.

Kyra coughs audibly around the corner.

“Um, ‘scuse me a minute.” I get up and go to where she stands in her doorway.

“Now that you have him here,” she says, “you should ask him stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“The stuff you need answers to before you could ever imagine dating him.”

“Oh…okay.”

Her suggestion makes sense, but when I look in my own heart, I just don’t see myself actually dating Devon. For as long as I’ve known him, he hasn’t dated anyone. He just isn’t wired that way.

She gives me a one-armed hug and retreats into her room.

Devon looks up when I return to the table, one eyebrow lifted. “Everything okay?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

I sit down and stare at my plate while I formulate my question. “Why are you interested in a relationship now? That’s never been your thing. You’ve been Mr. One-Night-Stand forever.”

“Yeah, about all that.”

I look up and see that I have his undivided attention.

“I guess I just have to be honest here,” he says. “I’ve used women as a distraction for so long… It was never about relationships for me. And I always thought that because I could be physically attracted to just about any woman, and because they almost always came back wanting more, that someday, when I was ready to have a relationship, I’d just end up with the last person I’d been with, and that would be that.”

I raise an eyebrow at him.

He looks away. “I didn’t… I hadn’t really put it into words for myself before, so I didn’t realize how terrible it was until I did. I’m not proud of the man I’ve been, Lizzie.”

You shouldn’t be
, I think.

“You were the one who gave me the wake-up call I needed. When you pointed out that I was being the kind of guy I would have killed with my bare hands if he even looked at my sister, I got the message. And then when you showed me what it felt like to get played, I really got the message.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Well, what could I expect? I’d ditched so many women right in front of you, even if you were interested…” He shrugs.

This guy, I realize, is more self-aware than Kyra gives him credit for.

“Being physical with you was…different. Actually kissing you… It tore me up,” he says. “A lot. I mean, afterwards I thought I had no morals. I’d made-out with the sweetest, most generous girl I’ve ever known because she was there and I didn’t bother to stop myself.”

“It was my idea.”

“Right…”

I chew a few more bites of my food and stare at him. If he wants me to give him another chance, calling that kiss a mistake is not the way to go.

He clears his throat. “When I found out it was your first kiss… Ye-ah… I hated myself for taking that from you.”

“You didn’t take anything. I made the first move, remember?”

He lays his fork down and stares at the table for a moment. From the way his shoulders tense up, I can see he’s gathering his nerve to say something.

I’m not sure I want to hear it, whatever it is.

“I’ve done really shallow, selfish things,” he admits, “but one thing I never did was fantasize about you or think of you…that way.” He glances at me, then looks at his plate. “After I kissed you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you that way. It messed me up. You were kindness incarnate to my sister. You never deserved to be in the same category as…people I used.”

“You shouldn’t have used people.”

“I know.”

“That’s your problem.”

“I know.” He doesn’t even sound sullen, just looks at me evenly. “Anyway, I figured I needed to straighten myself out, and I thought my grown-up life was back in Billings. I always felt bad about ditching Rachel before prom, before we had a chance to even try to have a relationship.”

“Wait,” I say. “What?”

“Yeah, we didn’t actually date. We just had
planned
to date. Her family had been there for me and so many bad things had happened to her, it was clear. The grown up thing to do was to go home, face the music, and be there for Rachel. Just pick up where I left off before Mackenzie needed me to take her to Seattle. I didn’t think you’d take it so hard, and giving me Mackenzie’s letter? Good dramatic timing there. I felt awful.”

“So, wait,” I ask, “have you ever had a relationship with anyone in your entire life?”

He shakes his head. “No. When I was in high school, Mackenzie was so sick and then after…” He shrugs gives me a look of pure pain. “I thought I could just pick Rachel and that would be that, but it didn’t work out. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’d watch your show and it wasn’t Veronica Pryce I wanted to see. It was you. When Rachel tried to kiss me this one evening after I babysat her kids, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want it. I’ve only wanted you all this time.”

I can almost visualize Kyra here in the room with us. She’d have her hands on her hips and say something like, “Physical attraction alone isn’t enough to make a relationship work.” I’m sure that there was a
Veronica
episode on the subject, or if there wasn’t, there should have been.

I shake my head.

“Lizzie,” he says, “I can still be the guy you saw with Mackenzie. I can show up every day and be there even when it’s rough and hold your hand through any and all pain.” He looks down at my hand, where it rests next to my plate, then looks back up into my eyes for permission.

I freeze, unsure of what to do as he moves to cover my hand with his. This touch of his skin against mine sends my heart racing. He shuts his eyes as if it soothes a long-standing ache and his thumb gently works its way under my palm, sending lightning jolts of sensation up my arm.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you. For all the times that I hurt you,” he says, opening his eyes.

“Okay.”

He smiles, but it’s a sad smile and there’s a dejected slouch in his posture as he lets go of my hand and gathers up his plate and utensils. We say nothing as we clear the table and load the dishwasher.

“I’ll see you later?” is all he says before he steps out the front door.

I nod and shut the door behind him.

Kyra is leaning against her doorframe when I turn around.

“How do you feel?” she asks.

“Did you hear all that?”

“Just some of it. I didn’t want to spy on you.”

“Be completely honest. You think it might work out?”

She holds up crossed fingers. “It’s still too early to say.”

I stare at her. “So…I just keep doing what I’m doing to make him prove himself?”

“No.” She pushes off the frame. “You’re giving him a chance to prove himself. You can’t make him do anything, and don’t let him or anyone else tell you different.”

“Kyra,” I say before she shuts her door.

She turns to look at me.

“Why are you on his side now?”

“I’m on your side.”

“You know what I mean.”

She looks at me, sees that it’s not an idle question, and straightens her posture. “People change,” she says, “I changed. He’s kind of the male version of me, you know? That’s why I couldn’t stand him before.”

“So if you and the male version of
me
can make it work,” I say.

“You’ve got a shot. You definitely do.”

That night I take my picture of me, Devon, and Mackenzie off my nightstand and study it, taking in every detail of her pale and smiling face. Then I get up and put it in my desk drawer. It’s past time I did that. I can almost hear Julian’s voice saying, “Ever the level-headed professional. That’s my girl.”

I
ARRIVE AT
the gym the next morning and make it halfway down the hall to the changing rooms when a hand grasps my arm. I turn to find Devon who holds up his other hand and says, “Tempted though I am to take you to the closet, I won’t.”

“Thanks.”

He gives my arm a squeeze. “Just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi.”

The smile he gives me before letting go melts me on the inside. I don’t trust him, but he’s still gorgeous.