A Small Town Dream (20 page)

He caught her expression but didn’t apologize, just explained, “It’s the way of life here, Anne. You use the language, you play the part, you try to fit in, lay low, not call any attention—positive or negative—to yourself. It’s survival.”

“It just doesn’t sound right coming out of your mouth.” He shrugged.

“Would ‘I killed your best friend’ sound right coming out of my mouth?” he asked making air quotes. Annie felt her world tip over then right itself quickly. “Sorry,” he said, sincere but not really caring that much. “Like I said, way of life.”

She understood enough to let his language slide for the rest of their conversation, and did her best not to react. “So, why
did
you come this time,
Annie
?” The train ride, the walk, had not been enough for her to sort out why. Her mind seemed to be blank and then, she suddenly heard herself speak.

“Maybe because I wasn’t fair,” she said. He leaned forward, listening carefully. “I blamed you. I was angry at you when I left last time. And, you... Parker, blaming
me
for what
you
did was so—”

She stopped herself, surprised at the words wanting to come out, trying to control them but finally, she just gave up. “I was a wreck, Parker. I’ve been carrying that with me since I left. It’s colored
everything
. I was so mad, I hated you, Parker. I hated you so much. I had no idea why I came here, and even now, I’m not completely sure, but I think it’s because I need to apologize.” He started to speak, but she held up a hand.

“I fell in love with you, Parker,” she began again. “I denied it before but, if I’m going to move forward and put all of this behind me, I have to be truthful with you
and
myself. I fell in love with you. I kissed you, and it was... wonderful. I listened to you, saw all that passion. I heard your words, I read the book, it was all so exciting and new… And in the middle of it, I fell in love with you.”

“Well, why did you—?” She held up her hand again.

“I denied it because it felt wrong and sneaky. I hated going behind Connie’s back. I felt so awful all the time, and I told myself, it’s okay because you can’t choose who you love. I gave myself a free pass to be deceitful because I was in love for the first time. And, even if it’s true that you can’t decide who you fall in love with, you certainly
can
decide how you act—or don’t act—in a given moment.”

“Annie, I mean, Anne—”

“Parker, just hear me out. I’m
not
saying I
thought
I fell in love with you. I’m not trying to minimize or excuse it. I
am
saying, truthfully, I
did
fall in love with you. And then, Parker, I fell right
out
of love with you. It stopped, right there in my front yard, when you tried to make me think you’d leave Connie if I said I’d go with you. So I am not now, nor was I, harboring some hidden emotional connection to you. I stopped loving you, Parker, and that’s it. But I need to confess, that in order to
stop
loving you, I had to be, at one time, in love
with
you.”

Annie let out a long, low breath, releasing a tremendous amount of tension she had been carrying around with her, then continued.

“I know I told you—that I said the words—I love you. And for that brief time, I meant it. I
also
meant it when I said I
didn’t
love you anymore. What I’m sorry for is the denial. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry if I hurt you. And I’m asking you to accept my apology.” Parker thought for a moment and then reached his hands across the table. Annie pulled hers back and put them in her lap. He nodded at her and something changed.

The anger that had filled every bone, every muscle in his body last time, seemed to have vanished. Last time, her pulling back would have caused a violent outburst. This time, he was sedate.

“That’s pretty amazing, Anne,” he said, looking at his empty hands, but still smiling. “Thank you for coming here to tell me. Of course, I forgive you.”

There it was, the relief she was so hoping for. She had admitted her mistake, and he had forgiven her.
That’s why I came,
she told herself,
to confess and be forgiven
.

She looked at Parker, and he was still smiling. He seemed so very different. She might have asked him why the change, but all she really wanted to do now was leave. She had what she wanted and needed, and he seemed happy, too. He looked like the Parker she had once known.

She was suddenly so moved that she began to bring her hands up from under the table, to reach across and hold his hands for a moment. But Parker leaned across the table, still smiling, his face still glowing, but not with joy. With something
else
.

“You know,” he said, “apologizing doesn’t absolve you from the fact that you’re responsible for making me kill Connie.” She froze, her hands at the edge of the table. “Look at you!” he laughed. “Oh, how I wish I had a mirror and could show you the look on your face.” He sat back, taking her in like she was a photograph or a painting. She began to tremble. His smile grew broader.

“What,
Annie
? Did you think I’d just forgive you and then you could go on your merry way, live your life and just forget about ol’ Parker Levitt doing time? Is that what you thought,
Annie
?” She blanched, speechless. He chortled. People looked over to their table. A guard walked up.

“We all right here?” he asked. Parker turned to the guard and smiled broadly.

“We’re fine, sir,” he said. “My friend here, she’s just... goodness, she
totally
cracks me up.” The guard hesitated a moment, then nodded and moved on. Parker turned back to her, his smile now a toothy sneer. “You do,
Annie
. You
totally
crack me up.”

There was nothing she could say, which only made him laugh more. She sat frozen, feeling the eyes on her, his derisive laughter like quick jabs at her body. Her hands dropped back into her lap. After a good five minutes, he stopped laughing and sat grinning at her.

“I should absolve you,
Annie
, I really should. I should just say, ‘well, it was nice to have your love,’” he taunted her with the nickname and air quotes. “And ‘I’m responsible for my actions,’ and ‘you have nothing at all to do with that.’ I should,
Annie
, because it would be ‘the right thing to do.’ Like
you
always do ‘the right thing.’ Then, you could go back to your
shitty
little town and your
shitty
little heart—with your
fucking
little mind free and clear.” In spite of the nastiness to his words, he kept his voice low so as to not attract attention.

“You just go to school in
Davenport
, and get yourself a
husband
, get yourself
knocked
up
, and get yourself that
dream
family and live that
fucking
pastoral life in your
fucking
home town and live
happily
fucking ever
after
. I
should
just
do
that.”

Annie wasn’t prepared for that. Not even when Ellen and the other girls had laid it all out, it had not been like this. Parker was purposely being flat-out cruel, and all Annie could muster was an ineffective, “Why…?” Parker heard the desperation in her voice and sniggered at her.

“What is it,
Annie
? Cat got your tongue? I heard you gave the valedictorian speech, but that’s the best you can do with me?
Why-ee
?” He said the word with a sarcastic two-syllable whine. Annie wanted to run, but could only sit in shock, which only gave Parker more leverage. He looked around, made sure no guard was close and then he leaned forward, put his elbows on the table and motioned with his head for her to lean forward as well. “Well, I’ll tell you anyway. Do you know why,
Annie
?” She shook her head but didn’t lean closer. “C’mon
Annie
, do you want to know or not?”

Annie finally leaned forward, but not enough, because Parker crooked his index finger. In spite of herself, she was drawn to him with the same morbid fascination with which she watched documentaries about criminals on cable. When her elbows were sufficiently close to his on the table, he leered at her again.

“So, y’know Annie, at night, when I’m in my bunk and my cellmate is asleep I think about the other guys on the cell block. I remember what they’ve said about women they had on the outside. I think about their stories, and how they say they jerk off, just with the memory.” Her eyes grew wide, and she began to lean back again, but his hands shot out and grabbed hers, holding her in place. She gasped, but it was more like a wheeze, her throat was so constricted. Parker continued, his voice even more hushed and if possible, crueler.

“I don’t think about Connie,
Annie
. I don’t. Even though she was the only girl I’ve ever fu—” Annie wheezed again. “Sorry,
Annie
. Connie’s the only girl I’ve
been
with, but I don’t think about
her
. I think about
you
.” He cocked his head, his eyes spiteful. “I don’t think about you naked or kissing me. Oh no. I think about you, dragging around, every single day and the guilt of
forcing
me to kill your best friend. I think about how you beat yourself up. I think about how you will always see her death as the thing that ruined your small town life dream and that
you
, Annie, you are responsible for
all
of it. I think about that and, oh my God, do I get
hard
.” Annie tried to pull her hands away, but Parker tightened his grip.

“The do you know what I do,
Annie
? Then I
take care
of myself, and it works, every single time. Just thinking about how miserable you are because you
forced
me to kill Connie Baker gets me off. Do you know how good that feels?’’ She helplessly shook her head. “Oh no, that’s right, you’d
never
take care of
your
self. Not our pure little Annie. But if you did, you’d know—there is
no
way I’m going to give that up.” He finally let go, and she almost fell backwards, she had been pulling against him so hard. She trembled, still speechless. This only broadened his smile, and made him laugh harder, he was so happy to see her suffer.

Annie was devastated. This was not why she had come. She hadn’t expected him to be kind, or even that nice, but this behavior was even more out of character. She had truly believed that, after she had made her confession, and asked for forgiveness, he would forgive her. Now, she believed, sitting there in front of him, hearing him, seeing him, Parker Levitt
had
changed, but into something Annie could never have conceived.

She finally gathered her wits enough to say, “You’ve changed, Parker.” He leered at her.

“Of
course
I have! C’mon, Annie,
you
know what
always
happens in prison. We all find ‘a higher power’ and ‘give ourselves over’ to it. I have, for sure. Your tax dollars at work, right in front of you, perfectly ‘rehabilitating’ me.” He chuckled derisively.

“
No
,” she spoke sharply, finding her tongue. “I mean you have changed from a decent, smart, driven young man with a very bright future and a good heart to
this
. This vengeful, cruel, thoughtless, mean...
animal
.” She punctuated her words with clenched teeth. She felt sure that she had struck a blow because Parker’s smile slowly faded. She gained a little confidence, seeing her words did indeed have an effect. But then he spreads his hands and shrugged.

“That’s what love will do to you. The love of a good woman turns a decent, smart, driven man into a murderous animal.
That’s
what happened when you told me you loved me.” His sneer crept back, and she felt her confidence drain away. She broke out in a cold sweat.