A Song At Twilight (27 page)

‘Yes, they are,’ he said. ‘They’re really upset. They think I’m too young and I haven’t given it enough time, and they don’t like her being older than me, and they want me to wait. But I don’t
want
to wait!’ he burst out. ‘I’ve tried to explain to them – it’s all different these days. Nobody has time to be engaged for three or four years like they used to be. You don’t know what’s going to happen in that time. You don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We’ve got to take our chance while it’s there, Jeanie, or it might be gone for ever.’

‘You don’t have to tell me that,’ Jeanie said quietly, and looked across the little clearing to where Hope was roaming amongst the bluebells, singing to herself. Ben followed her glance and felt ashamed. Jeanie and her sweetheart Terry hadn’t been able to wait to share their love. They’d waited to get married, but they’d waited too long. By the time Terry was killed, Jeanie had been pregnant and the chance was gone for ever.

‘I’m sorry, Jeanie,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t thinking. But I don’t want that to happen to us. To May.’

‘Is it likely to?’ she asked, and he knew she was asking the same question as his mother.

‘No, it’s not. We haven’t “got” to get married, or anything like that. I haven’t done anything wrong and I don’t mean to. I just want to get
married
.’

‘And you don’t want to go against your parents’ wishes. I can see that – your mother’s in an awful state at the moment.’ Jeanie paused. ‘I’m really worried about her, Ben. She’s not getting over Peter at all. She just seems to be sinking into a black pit and nobody can do anything to help her. If she’d only go to church, but she won’t. She says there’s no one there.’ She sighed, her eyes troubled. ‘I don’t know what anyone can do to help. And yet, sometimes she seems just like she used to be – only
too
bright, if you know what I mean. And you get the feeling that she might break at any minute.’

‘I thought this might help,’ Ben said gloomily. ‘I really thought she’d be pleased about it. And I don’t want to hurt her any more, but it’s my life, Jeanie, and we’ve got to face it – I could get killed too, any day. And I don’t want that to happen and never to have been married to May. I really don’t.’ He squeezed her hand and thumped it lightly on the rough bark of the tree. ‘So you see, Jeanie, I’d really like to get married as soon as possible. But Dad and Ma – well, they just don’t seem to understand.’

Jeanie was quiet for a moment. She seemed calmer now, as if she had begun to accept the situation and was even trying to help him. She turned her hand over in his and said, ‘So what will you do? Get married anyway?’

‘I can’t.’ He looked at her with frustrated eyes. ‘I’m not twenty-one until June. I can’t get married without their permission.’

They talked for a little longer, without coming to any conclusion, and then Ben said, ‘I’ll have to go soon. I mustn’t miss the train, but there’s just one thing …’ He hesitated and she glanced at him. ‘Ma seemed to think – well, that we might – that you might think I …’ He floundered, his face colouring, and she spoke quickly.

‘It’s all right, Ben. I know what you’re saying. You don’t need to worry about that.’ She looked away into the trees where Hope had now gathered a bunch of flowers almost as big as herself. ‘Just look at that kiddy!’ She raised her voice a little. ‘Don’t pick any more, lovey, we’ll never have enough vases for them all.’ Turning back to Ben, she went on, ‘I won’t say I’m not fond of you, Ben. But I knew when you went away that you’d probably meet someone. I’ve always known that. And I expect this May’s a lovely girl. I just hope she’s good enough for you, I do really.’

‘Trust my taste,’ he said, grinning. ‘And you’ll like her, Jeanie, you really will.’

‘Yes, I expect I will.’ She withdrew her hand and stood up. ‘We’d better get going, or you will miss your train. Come on, Hope.’

As the little girl ran towards them, Ben looked at her and said, ‘Whatever happens, we’ll always be special to each other, Jeanie. And I’ll always be Hope’s godfather.’

‘Yes,’ she said, and bent to take some of the flowers from her daughter’s arms. ‘You’ll always be Hope’s godfather.’

When they got back to the house, John had returned from church and Olivia was in the kitchen, looking pale but composed and preparing a packet of sandwiches for Ben to take on the train. She looked round as they came through the back door and smiled.

‘There you are. I was beginning to wonder if you’d got lost. Have you had a nice walk?’ She saw the bluebells. ‘Oh, how lovely. Did you pick them all yourself, Hope? We’ll have to find lots of vases to put them in.’

‘I told her we probably wouldn’t have enough for them all,’ Jeanie said, going through to the scullery where such things were kept. She came back with two or three large glass vases in her arms and began to fill them with water. Olivia found a pair of scissors and started to trim the stalks.

‘I love bluebells,’ she remarked. ‘And if you get them into water quickly, they last quite well. These will fill the whole house with their scent. You must have some in your room too, Jeanie.’

Ben stood watching a little helplessly as they bustled about. After a moment or two, his mother glanced at him and said, ‘Why don’t you go into the study and have a chat with your father, Ben? I’ll make some coffee – you’ll need something before you catch the train.’ She gave him a bright smile and put her hand on his arm, guiding him gently towards the door.

Bemused, he caught Jeanie’s eye and raised his brows. She shook her head very slightly and gave a small shrug, and he obeyed his mother and went out of the door and along the passageway to his father’s study, which was just inside the front door so that visiting parishioners could pop in and out as they needed.

John Hazelwood was alone, sitting at his broad, cluttered desk and gazing thoughtfully out of the window. He glanced up as Ben looked round the door and waved his son inside.

‘Come in, Ben. I imagine you have to leave soon.’

‘In about half an hour.’ Ben sat down and eyed his father cautiously. ‘Ma seems better this morning.’

‘You think so? Oh, she’s brighter, certainly – but it doesn’t usually last. When it wears off she’ll be even lower, I’m afraid. However, it’s probably a good sign that she can even make the effort.’

Ben felt guilt wash over him. ‘Dad, I don’t know what to say.’

‘You’ve probably said enough already.’ The vicar sighed and turned back from the window to face him. ‘Oh, it’s not your fault, Ben. You’ve got your own life to live and you couldn’t know how this would affect your mother. I realise you expected her to be pleased, but the truth is that nothing can please her at the moment but having Peter back. It’s not that the rest of you don’t matter – you matter even more. But she’s so exhausted by her grief that her mind just can’t take in new ideas. She’s confused. All her reactions are wrong, and she knows it and is even more distressed by it. And then there’s Jeanie, of course.’

‘I’ve never given Jeanie any cause to think—’

‘I know you haven’t. But she may have thought it all the same, and that’s partly due to your mother’s encouragement. You see, with the rest of you away, Jeanie has been the only young person in the house and she’s been with us so long now we look on her almost as a daughter. What’s more, she’s been such a tower of strength and such a comfort that I think your mother has made some assumptions that perhaps she shouldn’t have made. But it’s understandable, I think.’ He looked at Ben as if pleading with him to understand.

‘Yes, I suppose it is. I have talked to Jeanie this morning, Dad. Things are all right between us.’ He met his father’s eyes. ‘You will like May too, you know.’

‘Yes, I’m sure we will. But I’m afraid I can’t give you permission to marry.’

Ben’s heart sank. He had begun to think, from his father’s sympathetic tone and his mother’s apparent good humour, that they had decided to agree. ‘Why not?’

‘Because of your mother. Don’t be fooled by this brightness of hers. As I told you, it could break at any moment. Bring up the subject of May and marriage again, and that will send her right down.’ He compressed his lips, then said, ‘Look, Ben, I know this is hard for you and I know you find it difficult to understand why she’s so upset about this – I barely understand it myself – but take it from me, if you persist you could bring about a complete breakdown. At present, between us, Jeanie and I are managing to keep her head just above water. I really don’t want anything else happening to upset her.’

‘Yes,’ Ben said in a dull voice. ‘I can see that.’

‘It’s not so very long to wait, is it?’ John asked persuasively. ‘You’ll be twenty-one in June. You can do as you like then.’

‘Can I?’ Ben asked. ‘If it’s going to tip Ma into a breakdown now, is it going to be any better in June? As you say, it’s only two months away. Won’t she be just as upset by my getting married the minute I don’t need your permission? Couldn’t that be even worse?’

‘Yes,’ John said quietly. ‘It could. But that will have to be your decision.’

Ben stared at him. Then he turned on his heel and left the room.

‘Bombing targets are to be switched from now on.’

The Squadron Leaders on Harrowbeer Airfield sat listening as the new strategies were outlined to them at their briefing. ‘We won’t be aiming at German cities and factories any more. Our main target will be the French and Belgian rail system.’

‘Railways,’ Andrew said afterwards as they sat in the mess over pints of beer, passing the new orders on to their pilots. ‘And not even the German ones. We all know what that means.’

‘Invasion,’ Stefan said. ‘It won’t be long now.’

‘I can see that they want to prevent easy transportation for the enemy,’ Ozzie Mason said, ‘but won’t that backfire on our troops? They won’t be able to use them either.’

‘Grow up,’ Andrew advised him. ‘Our men aren’t going to be queuing up at the ticket office to buy day returns to Berlin! They’ll have tanks and lorries and God knows what to transport them.’ He filled the bowl of his pipe with tobacco. ‘Wonder what old Bomber Harris makes of it.’

Robin Fairbanks strolled over to join them, a tankard in his fist. ‘From what I’ve heard, he’s not too pleased. Doesn’t think an invasion will work. He says too many men will be killed, like in the First War and at Dieppe.’

‘And not enough are being killed now?’ Ozzie said cynically. ‘Look at us – we take off night after night and only half of us come back. What more does he want?’

‘He reckons we ought to go on flattening German cities with area bombing,’ Robin said. ‘I bet there have been a few up-and-downers between him and Churchill over this! And some of the Yanks agree with him – they think we ought to be going for the oilfields.’

‘Well, someone’s overruled them, then,’ Andrew pointed out, ‘because those are our orders. Probably Eisenhower. I think he’s right, too – if we don’t get rid of the transport facilities, the troops won’t have a chance. The Jerries will be lined up on the beaches waiting for them with open arms.’

They stopped talking about it then and drifted into different conversations. Stefan sauntered outside to sit at the rickety trestle table that had been carried out, and after a few minutes Ben joined him. They smoked in silence for a while.

‘Something is wrong,’ Stefan said at last. ‘You are not happy, I think.’

Ben gave him a quick glance. ‘Is it that obvious?’

‘Only to one who looks. Most people don’t, but I’ve seen you when you think nobody is watching you. There’s something on your mind – something you cannot resolve.’ Ben sighed. ‘I don’t suppose I’m any worse off than a lot of people. No, I know I’m a hell of a lot
better
off. I’ve got no right to be fed up.’

‘ “Right”? Does that come into it?’ The Pole regarded him thoughtfully, then leaned forward. ‘We each have a right to our own feelings. Sometimes it is the only right we have left.’ He laughed suddenly. ‘Right – left! Your English language is very strange at times.’

Ben grinned. ‘I know. It’s what makes it such a good language for puns and cryptic crosswords. Luckily, we can usually tell what the words are intended to mean.’

‘You may be able to. It’s sometimes confusing for us.’ Stefan paused. ‘Do you want to talk about what is wrong, or should I mind my own big business?’

Ben grinned again. ‘Just “business” is enough! I don’t know, Stefan. I don’t think continually chewing it over helps, really. Anyway, why should you bother with it? It’s nothing in comparison with your problems.’

‘That doesn’t make it any less to you. It helps me too, to think about someone else for a while.’ He waited for a moment, then leaned forward again. ‘I think you should talk to someone. But if you don’t want to talk to me, why not go to Alison? She’s very sympathetic and very wise. I have shared some of my problems with her and she is a comfort.’

‘I couldn’t bother her. She’s not far off having her baby.’

‘And does that affect her mind? I think she would welcome your company.’ The Pole gave him another quick look. ‘I have seen other young men with the same look in their eyes that’s in yours now, Ben. It comes when troubles grow too great to be borne alone, and it means danger. I would not want you to be one of those who do not come back.’

May was spending as much time as possible now with Alison. With the birth drawing nearer and with the squadron on almost permanent readiness, Alison needed company, and although she enjoyed walking to the cottage, she felt more secure at home. Hughie had been born a fortnight early, and she was a little afraid that this baby would be even earlier.

‘How are you and Ben getting along now?’ she asked one afternoon. ‘Didn’t he go home last weekend to see his mother?’

‘That’s right. She’m not well at all, he says. Still grieving over her other boy.’ May chewed her lip for a moment, then said, ‘I wanted to talk to you about that, but I’ve been putting it off. But seeing as you’ve brought the subject up …’

‘What is it?’ Alison, who had been lying back on the sofa, struggled to sit up. ‘Is something wrong, May? He hasn’t given you up, has he?’

‘No. Leastways, I don’t think so. But since he came back, well, he don’t seem the same and that’s the truth of it. There’s something bothering him, I know that.’