A Step from Heaven (3 page)

I put the cup to my mouth and take a small taste. Ahya! It hurts. This drink bites the inside of my mouth and throat like swallowing tiny fish bones. This is what Mi Gook people love? I want to push the drink away, but I cannot show bad manners.

Good girl, Young Ju. Drink that up and you can have more, Apa says. He pats my head.

I hold the cup in my hands. Uhmma and Apa talk to Sahmchun and Gomo. They do not see my wet eyes and hurting mouth. They are happy to be in Mi Gook. Many jobs, big houses, good schools, make a living, they say back and forth. Uhmma sits close to Apa. Their shoulders touch. Uhmma smiles at Apa. Apa smiles back.

I do not understand why they are showing happy teeth. Do they not miss Halmoni? Are they not mad that they are not in the real heaven? Harabugi is waiting in the real heaven and Halmoni will go there without me. I do not care if we are a step from heaven. I take a big swallow of the hurting drink. This is not heaven.

I do not like the word school. Uhmma and Apa say school is my future. I do not like the word future. Everything is in the future. A house we do not have to share with Gomo and Sahmchun. A car without big cuts in the seat that show the crumbly insides that Uhmma says I should not pull out, but I do anyway because it feels like sand when you mush it between your fingers.

Only now when I sit in the back seat I have to cover the parts that say a little mouse has been here because I am the only Mouse in the family. Everyone else has important signs like Tiger or Dragon. The new baby that is still waiting inside Uhmma's stomach will be born in the Year of the Dragon. But that is in the future.

I think future must mean a long time away. Except school is not in the future. It is now. I do not understand how school is my future when it is not a long time away. I will have to ask the teacher. Apa says the teacher will know everything and I should listen hard because then I have to teach him and Uhmma what I learned.

Inside school everyone is running and playing with toys. A tall ahjimma, even taller than Apa, comes over. She has a big white cloud sitting on top of her head like it is hair. Apa bows just when the lady puts out her hand and he hits it with his forehead. She laughs. Apa shakes his head. Then he holds her hand and lets it drop. He pushes me forward and says, Greet your teacher, Young Ju.

The lady with the cloud hair is my teacher? But she is a giant person like in the long-ago stories Halmoni used to tell me so I
would be a good girl. My teacher looks like the old witch who ate bad children for dinner.

Apa taps my head and says loud, Young. The witch teacher says, “Ho ha do, Yung.”

I pull on Apa's shirt and say, Apa. My name is not Young. It is Young Ju. You forgot the Ju part.

Shhh, Young Ju, Apa says, in school you are only Young. Mi Gook people will have too much trouble saying all the syllables. It is better to keep it simple for them. Now, bow to your teacher.

Ahn-young-ha-say-yo, I say and bow so I can show her good manners and she will not eat me up.

Apa puts two round monies in my hand. This is for food, he says. Obey the teacher, Young Ju, and listen well. Gomo will be here to pick you up after school. Apa waves to me and then leaves for his gardening job.

“Ah ri cas, ca mo ve he,” the witch teacher says. She claps her hands and then touches her cloud hair. All the other Mi Gook girls and boys come over fast like they are scared they will be eaten if they are not good children. They sit in a circle around me.

“Tees es Yung,” the witch teacher says.

“Wah ko um, Yung,” they say.

I see some girls whispering to each other. I have never seen so many different colors of hair. Some are shiny brown like mud in the rain. One boy and one girl have hair the color of wheat waving in the sun. I wonder if it crackles when their uhmma brushes it. I count, hana, duool, seht, neht. Neht have night hair like me. But not all the Americans have curly hair like Gomo said they would. Only one boy has big curly hair. I hope they do not think I am a boy.

I am looking at all the hair, but then the witch teacher says more Mi Gook words and everyone runs to sit down at the tables. The teacher holds my hand and takes me to a chair next to a girl with night hair. Her shirt is the color of the sea. I want to touch her shirt, but I am scared.

“Hee,” she says and holds out a red stick. I shake my head because I do not know how to talk Mi Gook. Sea Shirt rubs the red stick on some paper and the color stays there. There are many color sticks inside the box and Sea Shirt is pulling them out and rubbing them on the paper. Sea Shirt stops rubbing the sticks and watches me chew on my finger. She holds out the red stick again. This time I know what to do.

I am rubbing the color sticks on the paper for a long time. I make a sea and sand. Then in the corner I draw our sitting-hen house. There is so much to fill in that I do not hear the witch teacher talking. All the girls and boys run outside. I am the only one sitting down with my color sticks. The witch teacher is talking, talking, fast like she is mad. I cover my ears. I am so scared I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. I have disobeyed and the witch teacher will eat me.

The witch teacher sits down next to me and scratches her head. Her finger disappears into the cloud. Up close the witch teacher does not look so mean. The small chair makes her knees almost touch her chin. I smile. When the witch teacher smiles back I think maybe she will not eat me.

The teacher takes my hands away from my ears. “Yung,” she says.

I shake my head. The teacher pats her cloud hair and then looks
around. She walks over to the corner of the room and comes back with a bowl. She sits back down and takes something out of the bowl and puts it in her mouth. Her mouth moves up and down, up and down. Her head goes back and forth, back and forth. Mi Gook teachers eat very funny. I lean over to see what is inside the bowl. There is nothing there. Maybe the teacher is playing.

The teacher points to her lips and says, “Laanchu.” Then she is eating from the empty bowl again.

I say, “Laanchu,” and chew hard like I am eating a piece of dried squid. This makes the teacher so happy she is clapping and smiling and saying, “Goo, goo!”

The teacher watches me. Again I say the word that makes her so happy, “Laanchu.” But this time the teacher does not clap. She twists her lip in the corner.

I say, “Laanchu.”

The teacher holds her chin. I play with my color sticks and pretend I do not see her thinking about eating me. After a very long time, the teacher gets up and goes to her desk. She comes back with a bag filled with big yellow crumbs. They are just like the car seat crumbs I am not supposed to pick at. I am worried. The teacher knows I disobeyed Uhmma.

The teacher takes one of the crumbs, puts it in her mouth. She sits down and holds out the bag. I pull out a crumb. The big yellow crumb up close looks like something I know. I turn it around and around until I see the little tail. It reminds me of the little fishes Uhmma dries for dinner. I make the little fish swim in the air. The teacher nods. “Yehs!” she says.

“Yehs,” I say and make the fish swim more. “Yehs.”

“Noo,” the teacher says, shaking her head. She points to the fish. “Go-do-feesh.”

I point to the fish. “Go-do-feesh?”

“Yehs,” the teacher says, nodding. “Go-do-feesh.”

Then the teacher pours a big pile of Go-do-feesh onto my picture of the sea and gets up. Her tall legs push her high into the air. I am afraid her head will hit the roof. She looks down at me and puts another Go-do-feesh into her mouth. She chews and says, “Laanchu.” She points to me.

I put one Go-do-feesh in my mouth and bite it slowly. It crunches like sand. A smoky salty taste sits on my tongue. These Go-do-feesh are good to eat. I nod and say, “Laanchu.” The teacher smiles and goes to sit behind her desk.

I make the Go-do-feesh swim in the sea and then get eaten by a big sea monster. When the girls and boys come back inside, the big sea monster has eaten all the Go-do-feesh. This bad sea monster has forgotten to save one to teach Uhmma and Apa. I am so sad my head is hanging sideways on my neck. I will get a big thump from Uhmma's knuckle. Then I remember that I have the rubbing sticks. I draw the Go-do-feesh into my sea.

Sea Shirt points to my picture and says, “Go-do-feesh.”

I say, “Laanchu.”

Sea Shirt talks fast Mi Gook words.

I shake my head. Smile. I know only little Mi Gook words now. But someday I will know all of them. In the future.

It is not forever, Apa says to Uhmma. They sit in the front of the car, looking out at the house. Old brown paint peeling off. Old brown grass flying away. Crisscross metal fence all around. Apa pushes in the magic light button for his cigarette. Uhmma rubs her blow-up stomach. Round and round. I am afraid Uhmma will pop like the balloons at my first Mi Gook birthday party.

Apa turns in his seat and says to me, This will not really be our house. We will just borrow the bottom part from the man who lives upstairs.

Uhmma turns to Apa. Could we not wait longer and save more money?

Apa lights his cigarette. Blows out the smoke. He shakes his head. You know what it is like. How can you stand to live like that? Always thanking them, always having to be careful. We have no privacy.

Yes, you are right. But soon the baby will be here and then I can work. I will look for two jobs and then we can save for our own house.

Woman, what are you talking about? Apa rolls down the window and sticks his cigarette outside. Tap, tap.

I just mean the baby is only a few weeks away. I can work soon. Could you not wait a few more months?

What did I just tell you! Apa shouts. Woman, were you listening? Did you hear anything I said? I do not want to grovel anymore like some bitch. What is saving more money going to do? What?
Get you a fancy house? Is that what you want? I cannot provide you with enough?

No, I do not mean that, Uhmma says quietly. She keeps her hands on her stomach. Round and round.

Tap, tap. Apa puts the cigarette in his mouth. Takes a sip and then blows out smoke. He faces out to the house and growls, You always want more. Better.

Apa's voice changes. Write to your sister, he says in a squeaky-mouse voice. Let us move to Mi Gook. We will have a better life.

Apa turns and faces Uhmma. He points to her stomach. Look at us now. This is all your fault. You hear me? Your fault I had to take a second job picking up those lawyers' trash like some beggar. In Korea at least I had my own boat. What was so bad about that life?

Yuhboh, Yuhboh, Uhmma says. She uses her special husband word to make him stop. Try to make him be nice. I crawl up into the corner of the back seat. I keep my eyes on Uhmma's perfect half-moon face.

I told you it is not forever, Apa says. Smoke fills the car and then floats away with the wind.

Yuhboh, I understand, Uhmma says. You must do what is best.

Apa leans his arm on the car door, his elbow sticking out the window. He says quietly, We will pay rent for now and try to save slowly for our own house.

Uhmma rolls down her window and sighs.

Apa's head, snap, turns to her. Yah, he says. What are you sighing about? What? I told you it is not forever.

Uhmma keeps her face looking out the window. Rubs her stomach. Round and round. She does not answer.

Apa sticks his cigarette out the window. Tap, tap. He says again, We will save slowly.

But, Uhmma says to her stomach and then stops. She reaches up and pats her cheek with one hand. Uhmma starts again, If we stayed with Gomo we could save more quickly. If I worked two jobs and we did not have to pay rent, we could save enough money for a down payment in no time.

I do not see Apa's hand. It is too fast. I only hear the slap, loud as breaking glass.

I bite my bottom lip. Hard. I cannot cry. It will only make it worse. I close my eyes and start to pray, Please, God, please make everything better.

What did I say,
Apa yells. Slap.

I open my eyes and look at Uhmma. She covers her lip with her hand. A little blood comes out from between her fingers. My tears are falling onto my knees. I hold my breath so I will not cry out. Say letters in my head, A B C D E F G.

What did I say? Apa asks Uhmma.

Uhmma looks straight at the house, her hand covering her lip. She does not answer. Apa leans close to Uhmma. Face to face. His eyes squint thin as paper. He takes the used-up cigarette from his lips and holds it between his thumb and finger.

Please, Uhmma, I say in my head. Please say it. Please. Please. Please.

Uhmma takes away her hand. Blood drips down her chin. Her lips are broken grapes. She says with her eyes closed, It is not forever.

Gomo said she would play with me when she came over to our new house that is not really our house, just the one we are borrowing for now, but Gomo only wants to look at baby things. Gomo holds all the baby things in her hands and sits down on the yellow blanket that covers the couch. I peek and make sure the blanket did not get messed up. Uhmma said it is my job to make sure the blanket always covers the cushions so no one will see the burn holes the old owner made.

I sit on the couch next to Gomo and kick out my feet. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of naps in the afternoon because it is too hot to play outside. I wish school would start so I can be in the second grade. In the second grade, you can buy your lunch if you bring money to school. John Chuchurelli told me. He knows because he has a big sister in third grade. I kick out my feet and stare at the white bows on my shoes. I want to rip them off, stupid baby feet, but Uhmma said Gomo would be sad if I messed up the special birthday shoes that Gomo and Uncle Tim picked out just for me. Where are Apa and Uncle Tim? They said they would be back soon with Uhmma and the new baby.

Gomo picks up a blue shirt and holds it up. Young Ju, Gomo says and turns to me. Did you know that when you were born you had a blue spot right above your little butt? Gomo leans forward and points behind her back at the spot.