A Step In Time (14 page)

Cora

1945

The wedding was at two o’clock. It was the only time the vicar could fit us in, and it worked out fine. The ceremony would be quick – only half an hour or so – and then we planned to go to a nearby pub to celebrate before Donnie had to leave. His train was departing Waterloo at six so he really had to be back with his regiment by five.

We were getting married at St Giles in the Field, not far from our boarding house on Charing Cross Road. It had escaped a lot of the bomb damage that had left London looking ragged, except for a nearby blast that had blown out one of its stained-glass windows. The vicar was a nice chap in his sixties and had been delighted to marry us. It was all planned to perfection.

But that didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous.

In fact, I was a wreck as Audrey and Fat Joan flapped around me that morning getting my dress ready, and doing my hair and face.

‘Stay still,’ Audrey said, jabbing me in the temple with a kirby grip while I wriggled on my chair. ‘Stop jiggling.’

‘I can’t help it,’ I said. ‘I’m nervous. And I need the toilet.’

Fat Joan looked up from where she sat on my bed, examining my make-up.

‘What is there to be nervous about?’ she said. ‘You’ll go to the church, say some words, and that’s it. Just like being on stage.’

I exchanged a glance with Audrey in the mirror and rolled my eyes.

‘I just want it all to go right,’ I said.

Audrey stood back.

‘There you go,’ she said. ‘Like it?’

I looked at my reflection and nodded. She’d done a great job, pinning my hair up, and adding some small white flowers because I didn’t have a veil.

‘You’re up, Joan,’ Audrey said.

Joan uncurled herself from the bed and peered critically at my face.

‘I’m not making any promises,’ she said. ‘But I’ll see what I can do.’

Then she winked at me in the mirror just so I knew she was joking. Which was lucky, because I hadn’t been completely sure.

Joan actually did a lovely job on my make-up, then I slipped on my dress and I was ready. Because the church was so close, we’d decided to walk. Joan went on ahead to make sure everything was set, and Audrey and I waited five minutes then followed.

As we got ready to leave, I turned to her.

‘Thanks, Audrey,’ I said. ‘Really, thank you.’

I looked down at my dress.

‘I couldn’t have done any of this without you.’

Audrey gave me a gentle hug so as not to crumple my frock.

‘It’s nice to see someone having a bit of happiness,’ she said. ‘Grab it while you can, I say.’

‘I’m grabbing it,’ I said. I looped my arm through hers. ‘Shall we go?’

It was a lovely walk. I had a little posy of flowers and, with my white dress, it was obvious I was a bride. People kept stopping us to wish me well, or calling out from across the street. By the time we got to the church, my cheeks were already aching from smiling.

Fat Joan was waiting outside, looking worried.

‘What?’ I said, as she rushed up to us. ‘What is it?’

‘He’s not here,’ she said to Audrey. ‘Donnie’s not here.’

Audrey sighed.

‘Not here yet,’ she corrected. ‘It’s only just gone two. He’s probably been held up.’

But I was worried.

‘He promised he’d be here early,’ I said. ‘He said he wouldn’t keep me waiting.’

Audrey straightened the collar on my dress.

‘Do I need to remind you that there’s a war on?’ she said. ‘Anything could have happened to hold the poor fella up. Let’s sit tight and wait a while before we start panicking.’

So we did. We went into the vestry and told the vicar what was happening. Then all three of us sat on the steps of the church and waited. And waited. And waited.

‘Where is he?’ I wailed as the church clock struck four. ‘Oh, Donnie, where are you?’

I was bewildered. I couldn’t understand how I’d gone from being so happy to sitting on the steps of a church, waiting for the man I loved, who clearly wasn’t going to turn up. Had I been jilted? Had something happened to Donnie? Was he already on his way to France without being given a chance to say goodbye?

Audrey put her arm round me.

‘Don’t fret,’ she said. ‘I’m sure he’s fine.’

There was a gentle cough from behind us.

‘Sorry to bother you,’ the vicar said. ‘But I will need to prepare for Evensong before too long.’

Joan stood up.

‘Could I speak to you for one moment?’ she said, taking the vicar’s arm and steering him into the church.

‘She’ll sort it all out,’ Audrey said. ‘She’ll explain what’s going on to everyone.’

I rested my head on her shoulder.

‘Where is he, Audrey?’ I said. ‘Where’s he gone?’

‘I don’t know, darling,’ she said, rubbing my arm. ‘But he’s a good’un, remember? This won’t be his doing, I’m sure of it.’

But I wasn’t sure. ‘You said they’re all the same,’ I said. ‘You said men only want one thing.’

‘But not Donnie,’ Audrey said.

Joan appeared at the top of the steps.

‘I’ve told all the guests what’s happened but we need to go,’ she said. ‘The vicar’s got Evensong soon.’

She bent down and spoke to me as though I were a child.

‘He says you can come back any time,’ she said. ‘He’ll marry you and Donnie whenever you want.’

Audrey helped me to my feet and brushed the dust from my dress. I shook her off, angrily.

‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘There’s really no point.’

‘Maybe he’s gone already,’ Joan said. ‘To France, I mean. Maybe he’s been sent away early and couldn’t get word to you.’

‘He could have phoned,’ I said. ‘Even if he phoned now, there’d be someone at the house to answer. They could have come to find us.’

‘Perhaps everyone’s gone out,’ Joan said.

Audrey looked at her watch.

‘What time’s the train?’ she said. ‘The train he was meant to be on?’

‘Six,’ I said.

‘I’ve got time,’ she said. ‘Joan, how much cash have you got?’

Joan dug into her bag and dropped a handful of coins into Audrey’s outstretched palm.

‘I’m going to Waterloo,’ Audrey said. ‘I’m going to find out what the bleeding hell’s going on.’

She turned and ran down the steps from the church.

‘He’s a good’un,’ she called over her shoulder. ‘You’ll see.’

I looked at Joan.

‘What do I do now?’ I said. I didn’t want to stay at the church, but I couldn’t bear to go back to the boarding house, either.

She looked apologetic.

‘We have to go,’ she said. ‘We’ve got a show tonight.’

She took my hand.

‘You don’t need to go on, though,’ she said. ‘We can change things about a bit if we have to. We’d get by without you.’

I lifted my chin.

‘I may have been jilted but I can still dance,’ I said in defiance.

‘Really?’ Joan sounded doubtful.

I started walking back towards Charing Cross Road.

‘Of course I can,’ I said. ‘It’s best for me to keep busy. Stop me brooding.’

I threw my posy of flowers into the road and watched as it was run over by a passing taxi.

‘It’s just a normal day, after all.’

Chapter Twenty-Four

Back at the boarding house, I went straight towards the narrow staircase that led up to our bedroom while Joan disappeared into the kitchen and shut the door behind her. I heard muffled voices as she filled whoever was in on everything that had happened.

Wearily I climbed the stairs and threw myself on the bed. I was bone tired, heartsick and at an utter loss about what to do. I was desperately keen for Audrey to return and tell me what she’d found out – and at the same time beside myself with dread about what she might tell me.

I simply couldn’t believe that Donnie would leave for France without getting word to me somehow, or even turning up in the middle of the night to say goodbye. But I also couldn’t believe that he would jilt me. I thought about him in Hyde Park yesterday, spinning round and telling the passing soldiers that we were getting married. Those didn’t seem like the actions of a man who was about to run out on his fiancée.

And yet, I kept coming back to Audrey’s words. That of course he’d be interested when I was young and pretty and slim and fun. But when life got too difficult – weddings, babies and the prospect of taking a strange British girl home to his perfect life in America – then he’d be off. Perhaps Donnie had just decided it was all too much. Maybe he would go home, marry a girl from Connecticut and forget all about me and our baby.

I lay on the bed for ages, going round in circles as I tried to make sense of my disastrous wedding day, but I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t understand what had happened.

After a while, I heard the sounds of people getting ready to go the theatre where we were performing that evening. Doors slamming, water running, music playing. I sat up just as Joan peeked her head round the door.

‘How are you?’ she said.

I threw my pillow at her.

‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘Don’t do that sad voice.’

Joan came into the room properly, holding her hands up.

‘I was just trying to be nice,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t come naturally to me.’

‘I know,’ I said, almost managing to smile. ‘Thank you.’

I watched her as she began brushing her beautiful hair.

‘I’m going to come, too,’ I said. ‘I can’t hide away in here.’

‘Sure?’ Joan asked.

‘I’m sure,’ I said. With a sigh, I pulled my dress over my head and threw it onto Joan’s bed.

‘Do you want it?’ I said, trying to hide the catch in my voice. ‘I don’t need it any more.’

Joan paused in brushing her hair.

‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘Don’t do this, Cora.’

I pulled on my uniform skirt.

‘I have to,’ I said. ‘I have to be angry and I have to be uncaring because if I let myself show what I’m really feeling I’m scared that I’ll start crying and never stop.’

Joan put her hairbrush down and made a move to come towards me. For a frightening moment I thought she was going to gather me up in her arms, so I turned away from her and took a shirt out of the wardrobe instead.

As I was doing up my buttons, Audrey came in. Her hair was falling out of its roll and she had a streak of dust on one cheek. I stopped, stock still, and waited for her to speak, but she didn’t say a word. Instead, she shut the bedroom door and leaned against it, looking at me with tears in her eyes.

‘What?’ I said. ‘What is it? Is it Donnie? Where is he? Did you see him? Has he gone to France?’

Audrey shook her head.

‘Sit down,’ she said.

Numb with grief, I sat, my shirt still gaping open. Audrey came and sat next to me and took my hands in hers.

‘I went to Waterloo,’ she began. ‘It took forever to get there, and I was worried I’d be too late, but I wasn’t. They were just about to start getting on the train and I saw Paul, remember? That friend of Donnie’s?’

I nodded, not understanding.

‘So they’d not gone to France early?’ I said. ‘They were still in London.’

‘They were,’ Audrey said. ‘But we’re not sure about Donnie.’

I stared at her. It was as though I could hear the words but my brain couldn’t put them into the right order to make sense of them.

Audrey carried on.

‘As soon as Paul saw me, he grabbed me,’ she said. ‘He was shouting something and he kind of dragged me over to their lieutenant. It was packed on the platform and I wasn’t sure what was happening.’

Joan sat down on the other side of me and began rolling on her stockings.

‘Go on,’ she said.

Audrey took a breath.

‘It was so confusing at first, lots of people were shouting at me, and it was noisy and dirty, and it took me a while to understand.’

I stared at her.

‘Where is Donnie?’ I said, through gritted teeth. ‘Where is he?’

Audrey shrugged.

‘No one knows.’

‘What?’

‘No one knows.’

I tried to ask more questions, but I couldn’t make a sound.

‘They thought he’d run off with you,’ Audrey said. ‘That was why they all reacted so strangely when I arrived at the station. They were all asking where you were and what you were playing at.’

‘But he hasn’t run off,’ I said, still trying to make sense of it all. ‘He hasn’t run off with me, because I’m here and he’s not.’

Audrey squeezed my hand.

‘I know, darling,’ she said.

‘So where is he?’ I said, my voice shrill.

‘Well,’ said Audrey. ‘It looks very much like he’s gone AWOL.’

I stood up.

‘No,’ I said, feeling hysteria bubbling up in my throat. ‘No. No No.’

‘It’s the only explanation for it,’ said Audrey. ‘He must have sneaked away when his day leave began, pretending he was going to come and meet you, but instead he went somewhere else. Got on a train, perhaps. Went to Southampton and got on a boat? Who knows?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘You’re wrong. Perhaps he’s been in an accident. We need to phone the hospitals. We need to find him. Maybe he’s hurt and needs our help.’

But Audrey was shaking her head.

‘Dog tags,’ she said. ‘If something had happened to him, we’d know. Or at least his lieutenant would know.’

‘Donnie wouldn’t desert,’ I said. ‘He’ll be shot. They’ll find him and they’ll shoot him.’

‘Maybe they’ll never find him,’ Joan said. Audrey shot her a filthy glance.

‘I’m sorry, Cora,’ she said. ‘He’s gone and it looks like he’s not coming back.

My head was pounding and my breath was coming in short bursts.

‘What am I going to do?’ I said, tears starting to come now. ‘Oh Audrey, what am I going to do without him?’

Chapter Twenty-Five

Patrick was right. Matty was a douchebag. The douchiest of douchebags, I thought to myself, even if I wasn’t completely sure what a douchebag actually was.

The next day, the pictures taken by Matty’s entourage were all over the
PostOnline
with the headline ‘He’s just not that into you’. It was horrible. I’d planned to look stoic as I came face to face with Matty, not humiliated. Again. As I was faced with him kissing another woman. Again. Still, at least I hadn’t punched this one. In fact, I thought as I looked at the photos online, I actually wasn’t that bothered. I tested my feelings the way you test a twisted ankle and discovered that while I was embarrassed – and, yes, jealous – about being replaced so publicly, I definitely wasn’t pining for Matty. I was still in mourning for my old life where I had the routine of work every day, and parties every evening, and freebies being thrown at me everywhere I went, but when it came to my cheating ratbag of an ex – I was totally over him. Or at least, I was beginning to think there would be a day when I was actually totally over him – which I considered real progress. And I kind of hoped Babs would see the photos of my shame and decide my getting back with Matty was a terrible idea.