A Stolen Life (20 page)

I know this may sound silly but not easy. Imagine somebody’s life going on after you leave; you only focus on your life and its events. So now I wonder what kind of life has she had? I’m thankful and I hope she is, too, that she has my sister with her. As I’m writing this she is twelve. Wow, I can’t ever begin to guess what she’s like. I wonder what they do together? I hope they are happy as I am most times. I wonder if she asks about me and what she tells her. I have no clue what I would say under these circumstances. I guess I’m the lucky one in my knowledge that I will see them again one day. It brings me a lot of comfort just to say or write those words.

DECEMBER 31, 2003

Here I am sitting in my room [tent] thinking where will I be in the future on this same day in this same hour? What is going to change in the New Year? The one event that sticks out is Blackjack’s death. I will remember him forever. Another thing that was good about this year was getting Neo. That changed
my world for the better. But looking back over the year, so little has changed from the previous year. We are stuck in a bubble. My hope is that this year will be full of change. I want to do so many things. I feel I will never be able or given the chance to do what I want to do. In my mind he [Phillip] is making everything more complicated than it needs to be, but maybe I see it that way because my mind is simple. I prefer my life simple and uncomplicated because I know his situation is anything but simple.

FEBRUARY
3, 2004

Why does it always have to be something holding us back? It’s like we have to fight for each step we take in our lives never knowing exactly where it will lead us, but fighting nonetheless! Why does he [Phillip] make a simple sentence seem so complicated? When will life feel like living for? I wish it was now, I’m so tired! Tired of being not in control of my life because it is my LIFE! Why do people think they have the right to my life?

10 things that make me Happy

1. Hearing someone laugh

2. When my cats are near me

3. Birds singing

4. When animals like me

5. Blue skies and puffy clouds

6. The rain

7. Having something fun to do

8. The ocean

9. When someone says something kind to me

10. Knowing someone loves me

FEBRUARY 7, 2004

I’m sitting and thinking it’s so hard to change habits. I’m trying to write out a plan for my future, but it’s hard. I feel I have no future. I thought it would be easier. It’s the New Year and by the end of it I plan on making changes in myself. It’s a slow process (changing) but everything counts on me making these changes, I feel like the world depends on it. I know that sounds really egotistical but I feel it.

I remember having a dream a few years ago about my grandpa. In the dream I saw my grandpa’s truck [he was a truck driver] at what looked like a shopping center parking lot and he was lying in his truck. I think he was dead. It looked like he had been beaten.

[I
later found out when I was reunited with my mom, that my grandpa was hit by a car and killed.]

MARCH 13, 2004

I’m sorry. Sorry for everything I can’t be. Sorry I can’t be what he wants me to be. I don’t even know exactly what that is. I’m just sorry. Sometimes I feel so alone, I know that’s crazy because I’m not alone. I have my cats and people who love me, too. It’s just I don’t know what I want. Some days I can clearly see everything and things seem easy, and the next day seems blurry and I can’t see what I want. Nights are the worst because I have too much time to think. Sometimes I think I’m being too dramatic
and complain too much. What do I have to complain about? I have food, I have shelter from the rain, well, unless my tent is leaking. I don’t want to hurt him [Phillip]; sometimes I think my very presence hurts him. So how can I ever tell him how I want to be FREE to come and go as I please? FREE to say, I have a family. FREE.

MAY 23, 2004

I usually don’t write about my day-to-day life, but today was just so horrible I had to get it down on paper. The day started out bad. Phillip was in a really bad mood and you could tell early on in the day that all he was going to get done was sleep on the couch all day. I hate it when he is so lazy. While I work all day, he gets to do anything he wants. I am so tired of that, but I can’t do anything about it. Nancy had already asked him the day before if she could take me thrift store shopping and he said yes. Sometimes I like going out with Nancy and sometimes I do not. She can be so cold, and it makes me feel like I have done something wrong. She asks me where I want to go, but then when I tell her, it’s like I’ve made the wrong decision, so I’ve learned to try to feel her out ahead of time so I know the right answer. Today we headed to the Goodwill in Pittsburg, and then the Salvation Army in Antioch. I always show her the clothes I would like to buy to see if she likes them, too. When we came to the shoes, I sat my purse down on the chair while I tried on a pair of shoes Nancy said I would like. After I tried them on and discovered they were too big, I put them back on the shelf and followed her to another aisle. A minute or two later I realized I forgot my purse and told Nancy I had to go back to the shoe aisle. When we went
back and looked around, my purse was nowhere to be found. It had been stolen. I was in disbelief for a minute. Stunned. I felt like a part of me had been stolen. I know it’s irrational, but that’s how I felt. I felt stupid and apologized to Nancy for my carelessness. She had given me the money for the PG&E bill and I put it in my purse for safekeeping and now it was gone. I felt shaky and ready to cry. I walked over to the little kids’ section while Nancy placed a call to Phillip. I sat down in one of the little chairs for the kids to use while their mothers shopped and cried. I don’t know why I was crying. I knew I could easily work off the stolen money. It was more than that. I felt like I never wanted to leave “home” again. I couldn’t believe someone would steal my belongings. I feel like it is not safe to leave this place. I feel it is not safe to leave the safety of Phillip’s backyard. At least I know what to expect here.

JUNE 27, 2004

Lonely, that’s how I feel. Lonely and incomplete. I want to run but have no idea where to run to. I want to yell, but I don’t want to hurt anybody. I want to say something, but I don’t know what to say. Love is the easy part; it’s the living without the love you need that is hard.

Is life worth living simply because you live, or is it worth more if you make life happen? What if you have no choice in the matter? Maybe you have to make life happen whether it is good or bad; you make the choices in your life and have to live with the consequences of your choices. Did I have a choice “that day”? Could I have chosen to stay home from school? I would
have been punished, but my life would not have changed so completely as it did. Would I choose to be here even with everything’s that happened?

JULY 5, 2004

It feels like I’m sinking. I’m afraid I want control of my life. This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like, but once again he [Phillip] has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I’m afraid he doesn’t see how the thing he says makes me a prisoner. Does he want to see it?

I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately. I know it would take just a couple of clicks, I could see her. I need to see her. So, what’s stopping me? I think I’m afraid to take the first step because I know I could not go any farther with it. And that would hurt me. I’m such a coward! I hate being afraid. Why don’t I have control of
my life!
I feel now I can’t even be sure my thoughts are my own. I can’t even really talk to him [Phillip] about anything I feel because he will just think the angels are controlling me. I don’t want to burden him with what I’m feeling. Why should I even care if I hurt him, he has hurt me! I just can’t do it back. I can’t be like them.

SEPTEMBER 4, 2004

I’m just surging with anger right now. I can’t help it. I think what he did is wrong. Why couldn’t he just once give in and not be so controlling! It helps to write these feelings down. I can’t talk to him. He overpowers me with his words in no time. Then
there’s the fact that I can’t put what I’m trying to say in the right way. What I want to say never comes out the way I envision it in my head. Why is that? I wonder if I could have prevented the fight by going out there myself, then again maybe he would have told me the same things. If I told him any of my feelings he would immediately tell me “the angels are controlling you.” I need him to give me the freedom to talk to him, but right now that’s not going to happen. So I will just let these feelings flow through me and out this pencil. It’s weird, but I already feel the tension leaving me and soon I will only be left with the memory of this night to think about and analyze, rethink, and come to a conclusion about what to do. Maybe the tension is leaving me because I’m no longer around him; I’m out here in my own space. I love my tent! It’s my own space to do with as I wish. As soon as I see him again, all I want to do is tell him how wrong he was to do that. But he will never take responsibility for what he does. It’s always someone else’s fault, the angels now mostly. If I confronted him, he would just think I’m being controlled to say these things by the angels and that would get me nowhere. Sometimes I wish I could live very far away from him [Phillip]; sometimes I dream about it.

OCTOBER 3, 2004

Sometimes I think the memories from what he did to me would fade more quickly if I didn’t have to see him every day 24/7. It’s hard. And I hate the memories from that time. I want them to go away forever. I miss her. I would give anything if she could just hold me one more time. Would she let me go again? It’s nights like this I wish for someone to hold me safe. Neo is
here and he brings me comfort, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him with me.

10 things I want to do

1. Lose weight

2. Do yoga in the morning

3. Write more

4. Learn something new

5. See all the people I care about

6. Learn 2 different languages

7. Learn to paraglide

8. Travel around the world

9. Learn to snorkel

10. See my mom

MARCH 28, 2006

My Dreams for the Future

1. See Mom

2. See Pyramids

3. Ride in a hot-air balloon

4. Learn to drive

5. Swim with dolphins

6. Touch a whale

7. Take a train ride

8. Learn to sail an old-fashioned sailing ship

9. Write a best seller

10. Horseback ride on the beach every day

This is one of the Bible studies Phillip made us sit through:

John 1:1

Wisdom was created before everything.

God represents a way of living one’s life. God holds and stands by wisdom, love, and justice. They are one.

[The]woman is in all of us. She represents our subconscious. She is inside of us always making good and bad decisions. Man represents male and female. The garden or field in the Bible is the inner workings of our minds. God developed man [humans, male and female] through stages in the evolution of our minds. We as humans have not yet awakened from the deep sleep and we have not become one with our inner woman [subconscious]. We have not shed our clothes [bad behavior] and become naked. Living as God [a way of life] our creator intended.

The serpent in the Garden of Eden [our minds] represents our subconscious and our conscious talking to each other. Like the battle sometimes we have within ourselves. Telling us to do something even when you know it’s wrong or has the potential to be wrong or dangerous if you have never had the experience of doing it, how can you ever win the battle? So the woman [Eve in the garden, our subconscious] gave the apple [a new experience] to her husband [our subconscious, Adam]. Our creator knew the only way to develop man so he could one day become like God was to let man learn through experience.

The breath of life our creator breathed into all was the freedom to make choices, good and bad. That’s why he gave us a helper [our subconscious, our inner woman] to be with us through our journey of learning.

From the very beginning we have struggled with the way of
God and our minds. The story of Cain and Abel represents the turmoil with us. Cain is the negative input we encounter every day and the consequences of letting those thoughts take over. Abel is what we know is right but don’t always listen to. And when we let Cain [the negative] win, we kill Abel [our sense of what’s right]. But as with all aspects of our life, we have the ability to change and grow and learn from our mistakes. Our inner woman can be good or bad depending on the choices we make in life.

MAY 16, 2006

Favorite Song/Artists