A Study in Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 4) (2 page)

London, England. Late August, 1876.

“I almost hate to disembark, Miss Plumtartt; this ocean voyage has been one of the most enjoyable times of my life.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, this wonderful craft we have sailed upon surely saw to that. Every comfort one could imagine has been seen to with the most thorough and thoughtful attentiveness, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, but I meant, my having been able to get to sail along with you, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Why, Mr. Temperance, what a sweet sentiment! My word, sir, you do bring me happiness. Even more so when you blush as is happening now, you affectionate fellow.”

“Dang, Ma’am, that sure is fine coming from the prettiest girl in the world.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, though I think you will find that England herself is the most lovely of Ladies this time of year.”

“Mind your step, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. There are lots of passengers shuffling down the gangplanks with us.”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance, but it has been an exciting trip over the Atlantic pond, has it not?”

“Yes, Ma’am. This ship, the Rhinehart Line’s
S.S. Verne,
is completely propelled by steam power alone! There ain’t a stitch of canvas on her.”

“No, Mr. Temperance, I am afraid the days of the sail for commercial ships are numbered. Steam powered vessels are becoming more prominent in every quarter. Paddle wheelers are already moving towards obsolescence as the propeller screw is proving to be a more effective means of propulsion.”

“Yes, Ma’am, however, nowadays, even the propeller screw is headed for the scrap heap of quaint, old-fashioned technology. The steam engine of this ship we sail upon, for I feel we shall cling to that term for travel on the oceans, works to constantly wind the springs that animate the enormous clockwork whale tail that vigorously powers up and down with strident potency to send our ship flashing through the waves with the same frolic and vigour as the creatures from which it is patterned.”

“Yes, Mr. Temperance. I understand that the sapient members of this species assisted in the development of this technology to help remove the annoying sounds of the propeller screws from their migratory paths.”

“As exciting as this ocean voyage was, though, every passenger is excited to be in this, the greatest city on Earth: London, England.”

“I rejoice at my own return to this, my favourite metropolis. Mr. Temperance, I believe I shall allow you to assist me as I step from ship to shore.”

“Yes, Ma’am! Gee, getting to lightly hold your hand in this manner as you step to the pier is a true honour, Ma’am!”

“How sweet, Mr. Temperance.”

“Uh, oh, Miss Plumtartt, there ain’t hardly enough docking platforms to accommodate all the various aircraft in the sky overhead, Ma’am.”

“No Mr. Temperance. As collisions happen overhead with alarming frequency these days, the public is asked to be aware of aerial debris.”

“Gosh!”

“Mr. Temperance, please close your mouth and look to where I indicate. A commotion of sorts is moving in our direction.”

“Yes, Ma’am, it appears to be a photographer. I can tell by his big, clunky camera and tripod that he rudely bangs into people with.”

“Excuse me, pardon me, coming through, make way for the press.”

“I say, might we be of assistance, young man, eh hem?”

“Is this the world famous Persephone Plumtartt making her return to England after her many thrilling adventures from around the globe? Please forgive my forward behavior and allow me to introduce myself. My name is Parker Peters. I remember pictures of you in the papers and your receiving quite a bit of notoriety. I am a free lance photographer and I was hoping to capture a picture Miss Plumtartt for our readers if you don’t mind. Many quarters will be very happy to know that you are back on British soil.”

“Why, of course, Mr. Peters. We shall pose for you thusly, eh hem?”

“Oh, yes, that’s perfect Miss. Just ehhh, turn a bit like this... yes, … now tilt your head down a bit, that’s it. Now if your Beau could see to not hold onto you quite so tightly, yes, that’s almost it. Now sir if you could scoot back a tad, yes, that’s it. Now sir, a smidge to your right, yes, that’s good. Now just one more giant side step will clear you from my image completely.”

“I think that I prefer to be pictured
with
Mr. Temperance, Mr. Peters.”

“Ah, that’s okay, Miss Plumtartt. There ain’t no need to inflict my mug on an unsuspecting London readership.”

“That’s it! I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset the little American chap, eh? Now Miss Plumtartt, if you could just bring yourself to scowl a bit...”

“I beg your pardon, Mr. Peters?”

“Scowl a bit. Oi’m sorry, you’ve been out of the country. See it’s the latest thing, roight? Instead of being happy, sad, serious, delirious or stern, this season, everyone’s going in for the extreme scowl.”

“If it’s the trendy thing, you might oughter to do it, Ma’am.”

“I am not sure I agree with this, but I do not wish to be difficult. How is this, then?”

“That’s a pretty convincing scowl, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, but I don’t think it really suits you.”

In a puff of magnesium and potassium chlorate, Miss Plumtart is brilliantly, if starkly, illuminated for the photographer’s dry collodion plate.

“Gee, Miss Plumtartt, you really are such a pretty girl, I know I’d sure like to get a copy of that photograph. Hey, Mr. Peters is already hurrying away through the crowds of the wharf without so much as a thank you.”

“Oh, yoo, hoo, Parker Peters! For just what paper did you say you worked? We wish to see that picture in your paper!”

“Hunh? Oh. Roight. Um. Oh! Yeah! It’ll sure to be in the sunrise edition of the
Nightly Trumpet
.”

“The sunrise edition of the
Nightly Trumpet
? That doesn’t sound right to me, Miss Plumtartt.”

Miss Plumtartt narrows her brows. “Nor to me, Mr. Temperance.”

“Hey! Mr. Peters! Sorry, Miss Plumtartt, but the fellow has already disappeared amid the London throngs.”

“I see.”

“Oh, well, as a freelance photographer, he probably gets mixed up as to what paper he is actually taking pictures for, Ma’am.”

“Eh hem, I am not satisfied with that explanation, Mr. Temperance.”

“Well, maybe we oughtta just go on ahead and get ourselves to the hotel and then into some good eats at one of them British restaurants that you are always bragging about, Ma’am.”

“Quite right, Mr. Temperance. We shall put the incident behind us as we
travel by four wheel carriage to the Queen’s Hotel, located about halfway between St. James Park and Westminster Abbey. After registering and securing our separate rooms we may then go to dinner at one of London’s finest restaurants.”

- - -

“This here is the fanciest restaurant that I’ve ever been to, Ma’am. The
Royal Baboon
is
a very upper crust establishment. Only the snobbiest of waiting staff are employed here. They take great delight in their haughty ridicule of the best of patrons. They’re having a field day with me.”

“I believe their contempt to be a part of the ambiance, sir. I am not one for fancy fare, Mr. Temperance, just good, basic, wholesome British cooking for me. The
Baboon
name is synonymous with fine cuisine. We are sure to enjoy the very best of my country’s culinary delights.”

“Why that sounds really nice, Miss Plumtartt. What do you recommend?”

Beaming with good humor to be back on her own native soil, Miss Plumtartt happily helps to guide me on my gastronomic journey into what is sure to be the finest treat in cooking of my life.

“Let us whet our appetite with a nice bowl of ‘Cullen Skink’. I know from personal experience that this chef serves the most handsome ‘Toad in Hole’ on this side of the river. I confess though, I intend to eat my fill of the Scottish dish, Haggis. They serve up great bags of it on lovely beds of neeps and tatties. Perhaps you hold out for Black Pudding served with Bubble and Squeak?”

“That Black Pudding sounds pretty good. I sure like desserts! Are you okay, Miss Plumtartt? You just snorted your tea out your nose and back into your cup.”

“I apologize, Mr. Temperance.”

“Oh, that’s all right. You know, it’s been over a year since we were last in England, Miss Plumtartt. This city sure has changed a lot.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. From our home in Elderberry Pond, Father would often take me on excursions into London. There never seemed to be much change until the coming of the Revelatory Comet. My word, I suppose it has been a full seven years now since our planet had its astral encounter.”

“Yes, Ma’am. The summer of 1869 and this world’s meeting of the Revelatory Comet was coming to a close about this time of August, seven years ago. When that Comet entered the solar system, circled the Sun and shot back around towards the Earth, I thought our number was up and that was gonna be it for this big beautiful world of ours.”

“How very fortunate for our planet that the visitor from the voids missed our humble home. Instead, we traversed the magical tail of the Celestial Snowball. I am constantly amazed at the changes wrought by that fateful encounter. Sprinklings of genius touched so many lives. Certainly you, my dear Mr. Temperance, are among the many influenced by the Revelatory Comet’s pass. Your inventive genius astounds me; your modest blush endears me.”

“Aw, shucks, Ma’am, I mean, gee whiz, thanks, Miss Plumtartt. Coming from you that sure is a fine and high compliment.”

“Yet I must agree with you in your observations of the changes in the city of London. From what I can see of it through the thick clouds of coal smoke and soot, the confluence of spring, steam, and electric device now fill home and street.”

“It’s an exciting time to be alive, and that’s for sure, Ma’am, but I am looking forward to seeing Plumtartt Manor again, and working to get her in top shape. When I visited before, the house had been mostly abandoned for some time. It was dark and we were harried by a horrible monster. Hopefully this will be a more pleasant visit.”

“We can only hope so, Mr. Temperance, but I certainly foresee nothing more than a pleasant visit to the English countryside. I engaged an employment firm here in the city to send out a complete staff to prepare the house and help bring it back into order. A staff of perhaps fifteen, give or take, have come to us under the highest of recommendations. This actually promises to be a most relaxing and soothing holiday after our own forays into unforeseen adventures.”

“A little vacation to a fine old English mansion and estate sounds like a lot of fun, Miss Plumtartt.”

- - -

“After our brave journey into the dark heart of English cuisine, this here warm London night makes me feel as content as a cat in a butter cocoon, Ma’am.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, as we exit the
Baboon
, we are greeted with an uncharacteristically clear London sky.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I say, as she twinkles with merry lights, I have never seen this busy city look more inviting.”

“Yes, Ma’am, this here is as fine a city as there ever could be. Gosh, that is a fine and stately doorman this establishment has. Just look at all the gold ropes and shiny buttons on his coat! Listen to how authoritative he is.”

“Snap to, snap to, driver! Let’s ’ave that carriage up ’ere at once!”

~ Clip-Clop. Clip-Clop. Clip-Clop. Clip-Clop. ~

“I enjoy the hollow echo of the horses shoes on the cobblestones, Miss Plumtartt. The sound of the horses’ hooves on the pavement makes me think there is a magic pumpkin trotting forward to whisk me away with my enchanted princess.”

“An endearing sentiment, Mr. Temperance, but I feel impelled to inform you that we do not reside in a Fairy Tale. This is the modern era, sir. The days of valiant knights on rampaging chargers, rescuing their damsels of distress is a thing from the far bygone era of chivalry.”

“Yes, Ma’am, I reckon you’re right. Oh well, maybe this here doorman will at least let me open the door of the carriage. Excuse me, sir, I sure do like your ostrich feather commodore’s hat! Um, would it be okay if I opened the carriage door for Miss Plumtartt?”

“I suhtainly caun’t blames ye for wanting to do that, suh, but if you allow me the privilege of holding the door, you then shall enjoy the privilege of assisting the beautiful young woman into the carriage with your own lucky hands then, eh?”

“Gee, that sounds just swell, sir, thanks!”

“Thank you gentlemen, now then, entering the carriage is simply a matter of getting my fashionable, if enormous, wide brimmed hat through the aperture, eh hem? Oh! My word, our doorman friend suddenly has a shocked look upon his face. His jaw drops open and his eyes grow as large as tea saucers.”

An itchy tingling just inside the base of my skull tells my body to drop and duck. My instincts have already asserted themselves upon my body of their own free will before there is a chance for a thought to pass between my ears.