A Whisper in the Dark (33 page)

“No matter what happens, I want you to know I’ll never forget this moment.”

Julia had barely gotten her mind around the words when he pushed into her. Though her body was ready, an instant of pain made her wince. But John didn’t stop. Never breaking eye contact, he went in deep, until she was filled all the way to her womb. The mix of pleasure and pain took her breath.

Before she could catch her breath, he braced his hands on either side of her and began to move. Her thoughts scattered as he pumped in and out of her with long, slow strokes. Suddenly Julia wanted him to know just how much this moment meant to her, but her body was so overcome with sensation her mind couldn’t form a single coherent thought.

The tempo of his strokes increased. She looked into John’s eyes. His gaze was unshuttered. She saw strength tempered with vulnerability. Emotional pain mingling with physical pleasure. The wounds of his past tearing down his hope for the future. A future she very much wanted to be part of.

She wanted to heal him, wanted to love him. She raised her hand. He winced when she touched the side of his face. “I love you,” she whispered.

For an instant he looked taken aback. Then he closed his eyes, shutting her out. That he would do that at a time like this tore a hole right through her heart. She knew she should stop. But the physical sensation overrode her intellect. The tempo of his strokes increased. The pleasure came in blinding, crashing waves. She raised her hips to meet him, taking him all the way to her core.

Her control broke with an audible snap inside her head. The climax wrenched a scream from her and seemed to go on forever. But John didn’t give her a respite. He drove into her until the floodwaters rose a second time. Still weak from her previous orgasm, Julia could do nothing but hold on. The crest came quickly and with bone-shattering force. Vaguely, she was aware of John calling out her name. Of his body going rigid against hers. His body pulsing and hot inside hers.

Julia closed her eyes and rode out the storm.

 
John lay in the semidarkness and tried hard not to think
about what he’d done. He should have felt like a million bucks lying next to a beautiful woman after having the most mind-blowing sex he’d ever had in his life.

Instead he felt like hell.

He felt like hell because there was still a part of him that was decent enough to know this was going to hurt the one person he cared for most. Julia.

She was decent and kind, with a heart as big as Lake Pontchartrain. John wasn’t even sure he
had
a heart anymore. He had nothing left to give. He knew if he forged a relationship with her it would end badly. She would end up hating him, and that was the one thing he simply couldn’t handle.

But he’d slept with her anyway. He’d taken advantage of her big heart and hauled her to his bed for a few minutes of physical satisfaction. What the hell kind of a man did that make him?

A son of a bitch, a cruel little voice answered.

He ached as he lay on his back and stared at the ceiling. Next to him Julia slept. He could have taken comfort in the warmth of her body against his, but he didn’t. He was in too deep for any of this to be comfortable. Evidently, she was in too deep, too.

Her words echoed inside his head like the retort of a killing shot. He told himself she’d just been caught up in the moment. But he knew Julia wasn’t the kind of woman who slept with someone just because it felt good.

How could he have let things go this far?

But John knew why, and the answer terrified him. He’d let things go this far because he hadn’t been able to keep his own emotions out of it. If the irony hadn’t been so bitter, he might have laughed. He’d never been in love before, so he didn’t have a point of reference from which to measure. But the emotional turmoil inside him was off the scale.

Somehow, he’d fallen in love with her. She was the one bright light in a life that was as black as the darkest of nights. He didn’t have the slightest idea how to handle it. He couldn’t pursue it. All he could do was let her go and hope she didn’t hate him for it.

“If facial expressions could speak, I’d be getting an earful right now.”

John actually jolted at the sound of her voice.

Holding the sheet to her breast, she rose onto one elbow and set her hand against his cheek. “My God, John, you’re trembling.”

“I’m fine,” he snapped.

“You’re not.”

Annoyed and embarrassed by her concern, he shoved her hand away and sat up. “I said I’m fine.”

She went silent beside him and he felt like a jerk. Jesus, this was exactly what he didn’t want to happen. He didn’t want to lash out at her, but that’s what he did best. That’s what he did to the people he cared about.

Sighing, he scraped a hand over his face and turned to her. “Julia . . .”

“It’s okay.” She started to rise, but he stopped her by grasping her arm.

“Don’t go.”

She looked back at him then. The hurt he saw in her eyes devastated him. For no good reason he’d hurt this lovely woman who’d just given him so much. She’d made him feel human again. Made him feel like a man. He couldn’t imagine why, but she cared for him. She wanted to be with him. And all he could do was push her away . . .

Relief slipped through him when she relaxed back into the sheets. “Why do you do that?” she asked.

“You mean act like a jerk?”

“I mean push people away.”

“Because it’s easier than getting too close, and a hell of a lot less risky.”

“John, I think it’s a little more complicated than that.”

He didn’t want to have his psyche sliced and diced by a woman who meant more to him than he’d ever imagined possible. He didn’t want her to look inside him or get inside his head. Maybe he was afraid of what she might find if she looked too hard.

“If you’re looking for something in return, you’re looking in the wrong place. I don’t have anything to give back.” He turned to her, looked into her eyes. “I don’t have anything left.”

“I don’t believe that.” She raised her hand.

He winced when she brushed his cheek with her fingertips. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.

“Then don’t.”

Panic swirled uneasily in his gut. She wasn’t making this easy. She was saying all the things he didn’t want to hear. She was too close. Too kind and beautiful and giving. They’d just made love, but already he was aroused again and aching for her. He wanted to believe this was all about sex, but he knew it wasn’t. The truth of that was scaring the hell out of him.

“I’m not the kind of man you want to care about,” he ground out.

“Too late,” she whispered.

He stared at her, too shaken to react. The need twisted inside him. But the need to protect himself—to protect
her
—outweighed the physical. John reacted the only way he could.

Throwing off the sheet, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. Without looking at her, he reached for his jeans and jammed his legs into them.

Julia sat up, her eyes large and wary. “What are you doing?”

“I’ve got to make some calls.”

“It’s almost four A.M.”

He didn’t even spare her a glance as he started for the door. “Go to sleep.”

“John—”

He reached the door and turned to her. “Don’t.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m a son of a bitch. Better you learn that now than later.”

Pulling the sheet around her, she rose. He stiffened when she crossed to him. “You’re running.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m good at that, too.”

“That is such a cop-out.”

“Call it whatever you want.”

“John, you’re one of the most courageous people I’ve ever known,” she said. “For twelve years you put your life on the line.”

“So do tens of thousands of other cops every single day,” he snapped. “I’m no different. I’m sure as hell no hero.”

She continued as if she hadn’t heard him. “You can walk into a dark warehouse and face drug runners and murderers and God only knows what else. But when it comes to facing the one woman who loves you, you turn tail and run.”

The fury that swept through him was so powerful that for a moment he was dizzy with it. He would never physically hurt a woman. Never Julia. But he was not above hurting her emotionally.

Grasping her arm, he spun her toward him. He caught a glimpse of wide eyes, her mouth parted in surprise. Before he could stop himself he ripped the sheet from her grasp and flung it to the floor. She gasped when he yanked her against him and crushed his mouth to hers.

Her body went rigid against his. He tasted shock and the bitter taste of his own shame. Need tangled with the knowledge that he was screwing this up. But he could not let this go any further.

A sound escaped her as she set her hands against his chest and shoved. For an instant he held her against him. He slid his tongue along her teeth, but she refused him entry. He told himself that was what he wanted. Go ahead, the little voice taunted. Scare her away. Disgust her. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

He released her with a tad too much force. She stumbled back. He told himself it didn’t hurt to see the hurt, the accusation in her eyes. But John was getting good at lying to himself, and he didn’t let himself analyze it any more deeply than that.

“I know what you’re trying to do.” Bending, she snagged the sheet from the floor and clutched it to her breast.

“Yeah?” He looked her up and down. “What’s that?”

“Push me away so you don’t have to deal with your feelings.”

“The only feeling I have for you right now is lust,” he said.

“Coward.”

“Drop that sheet and I’ll show you just how much of a coward I am, Julia.”

In a subconscious gesture, her knuckles tightened on the sheet. “I’m not going to let you do this.”

She spun away from him and began gathering her clothes from the floor. John stood his ground, his heart pounding, and swore he wasn’t going to stop her.

This is what you wanted, hotshot. She’s leaving. She won’t be back. Now you can wallow in the muck your pathetic life has become and not worry about anyone but yourself.

“I’ll drive you to your father’s,” he said.

“Go to hell.” Glaring at him over her shoulder, she walked into the bathroom.

“You’re not leaving alone, Julia.” John was midway there when she slammed the door in his face.

 
Julia’s hands shook as she quickly washed up and
stepped into her clothes. She avoided the mirror as she ran a brush through her hair with a shaking hand. But it wasn’t the bruises on her body that were hurting now. She remembered the words she’d uttered while in the throes of lovemaking. She knew those words were plastered all over her face.

She closed her eyes against the pain. She’d never been in love before. Why now? Why John? How could her timing be so bad? She knew he would hurt her before all was said and done. But the fact of the matter was he’d already hurt her. All she could do now was salvage as much of her self-respect as she could and get out before she fell apart.

For a full minute she stood facing the door, trying to gather enough courage to step out. The man outside that door was not the same man who’d made love to her so passionately just scant minutes before. She didn’t fully understand the motivations for his transformation. All she knew was that he’d purposefully been cruel to her, and she needed to get away from him. She’d figure out the rest later, when her head was clear. When her body wasn’t humming with the aftermath of his touch.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. John looked up from where he stood at the bar, a tumbler in his hand. He’d put on his shirt, boots and bomber jacket.

“I’m going home.” Snagging her purse from the kitchen table, she started for the door.

“You’re not going anywhere alone,” he said.

She didn’t even pause. Just as she reached for the knob, he touched her arm. Furious that he would touch her after all that had been said, Julia spun. Her hand shot out to slap his face. But he was faster and grabbed her wrist.

For an instant, she stared into his eyes, trying to decipher what she saw. For the life of her, she couldn’t.

“I’ll drive you home,” he said.

The urge to argue was strong. But Julia was exhausted and overwrought. She longed for the privacy of her little apartment over the shop, but knew she couldn’t return there. Her father kept a room for her at his Garden District mansion. She had the overnight bag Claudia had packed. It was enough to get her through the night.

“If you don’t want me to drive you, I’ll call Mitch.” His jaw flexed. “But you can’t leave alone.”

“I’d rather not drag Mitch into this,” she said as coolly as she could manage.

Grimacing, he released her wrist, crossed to the door and opened it. “Let’s go.”

Julia walked out without looking back.

TWENTY-SEVEN

Two days had passed since the ugly scene in John’s apartment,
but it seemed like an eternity since he’d last seen her. He hated knowing he’d hurt her. Hated even more missing her so much some nights he wasn’t sure he was going to make it through. He’d picked up the phone a dozen times in the last forty-eight hours.

He never made the call.

His heart jumped every time his cell phone rang. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. Couldn’t keep his mind from replaying the hurtful scene that had transpired between them. On an intellectual level, he knew she was better off without him. But on a more primal, selfish level, he didn’t give a damn about right and wrong. He wanted her. He wanted to hear her voice. The music of her laughter. He wanted to feel her body next to his every night from here to eternity.