A Woman's Heart (26 page)

* * *

Peter read again the last words of the paragraph he was on, not wanting an interruption now. There had been too many friends visiting in the two weeks he'd been home, all of them armed with questions, with which they had curiously probed into the life Alex had led before he arrived at Willow House.

He didn't want to sit and talk politely to anyone of Jann, the woman who'd cared for Alex and stolen his own heart. Jann's image already overran his mind at each waking moment, and at night in his bed, she ruled his dreams. To speak of her and Alex and the life they had shared, only served to remind him of all he couldn't have.

With a sigh, he looked up.

"Jann," he said softly, his breath fleeing his lungs, the shock of seeing her standing there belting him in the gut.

She took a step forward, her dress floating around her legs. Like a mirage, he thought dazedly, shaking his head to clear it. His legs, when he stood, felt weak and uncontrolled, and he cursed that she'd come when he wasn't prepared.

With a great effort of will, he forced his body forward, gaining strength as he crossed the lawn to withstand her invasion of his heart.

"Hello, Peter," she said, when he got near enough to hear, her voice engulfing him in memories of soft nights and island music.

She looked at him uncertainly, seemed to withdraw into herself.

"You've got a phone call," Callie said from where she stood next to Jann. "The one you've been waiting for."

"Jann," he repeated gruffly, ignoring Callie's words.

"I've come to see Alex," Jann explained, her gaze shifting past him, searching the area behind him to where Alex still sat.

He should have guessed that it wasn't to see him that she had come. This woman wanted nothing to do with the love he had offered, had turned him down in Hawaii. Nothing had changed.

"The telephone," Callie insisted.

Taking the call would get him away from Jann.

"I have to take that," he said. If only he wasn't plagued with the desire to hold her, if only he didn't care. "I'll just be a minute."

He touched her arm, intending only to direct her across the lawn to Alex, but the shock when they touched was as overwhelming as it had been before. A desire engulfed him to tell her that he loved her, to take her into his arms and never let her go.

She jerked away before he could act, and he felt the loss of the contact with a pain that staggered.

* * *

His eyes were just as Jann remembered, as changeable as the ocean, and just as powerful.

"I've come to see Alex," she repeated, forcing her gaze from his. It was only half the reason, not the whole. But she couldn't tell him now that she'd come to see him, for the caution in his eyes had just told her he didn't care.

Pain, sharp and piercing, shafted through her chest. If it was a miracle she had hoped for, those hopes were now dead.

Peter didn't love her. He had never loved her. If she hadn't believed it before, she believed it now.

And it hurt much more than she had imagined.

"I don't have much time," she said, speaking the words swiftly, stiffening her body in an effort not to feel. "I'll just say hello to Alex and then I'll go."

"It's long distance, Peter," Callie interrupted. "They're calling from Paris."

"I have to answer that," he said to Jann. "But wait for me. We have to talk."

"There's nothing more to say."

"Promise me you'll wait."

Another promise to this family, and one just as difficult as the one to Claire.

"All right," she agreed numbly. "I'll wait."

With that, he turned away.

Jann blinked as he departed, as though she'd been caught in a trance and had just now been snapped free. She turned toward Alex, needing with every fiber of her being to hold her baby in her arms once more.

She'd concentrate only on Alex, would try to eliminate the other Strickland from her heart and mind.

With swift steps, she moved toward her baby. She would always think of Alex as her baby, no matter how far away he was or who he was with.

She said his name as she approached, was warmed through her pain when he looked up at her and smiled. Then Alex reached for her and her heart melted completely.

She picked him up slowly, his baby weight feeling wonderful in her arms once more. She longed to hold him forever, but knew that if she stayed more than a few minutes, it would be impossible to ever leave him again.

Why had Peter been so insistent that she remain here and talk? Did he want to impress upon her how well he and Alex were doing? Or did he want to discuss their relationship, make sure she understood that when they'd made love back in Hawaii, it had meant nothing to him.

Jann's body turned cold, except for the places where her skin touched Alex's. Her baby warmed her now as he had done after Claire's death. Losing Peter was like a death.

"You're looking very serious."

Peter had come from nowhere again, ambushing her heart just when she was trying to expunge him.

"Alex has missed you," he said, his voice low and strained.

"That's not what Callie said." Jann couldn't look at him yet, not daring.

"She wouldn't want you to worry."

"No," Jann agreed. "She's very thoughtful."

"Why are you here, Jann?"

"I... I just decided to come." She couldn't let him know of the love that had spurred her action, love that would die now and whither like flowers in winter. "I thought I'd do some traveling." Her words were a lie, but all she really wanted now was to get as far away as possible, to make a break from this man who had destroyed her life.

"Traveling wouldn't have been easy with Alex in tow."

"No," she agreed slowly, but with Alex in her life, there'd have been no need of trips.

Coming to Boston had been a mistake. The only thing to do now was to return to Hawaii, to her friends and her boat, and the life she'd once known, to try with all her might to forget Peter and Alex.

"I'll just say goodbye to Alex." She sucked in a breath, determined that Peter not see what she didn't want him to know, that without him and Alex she could barely go on.

"You just got here," Peter said.

His words seemed little more than the polite utterances of a stranger, not the friend she'd come to think him, and definitely not the lover.

"Everything happened so quickly in Hawaii," she explained. "I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Alex properly." She was babbling, but couldn't seem to stop. "I wanted to see for myself that he was doing all right."

"I see."

One glance at his face told her he saw nothing, or whatever he saw, he wasn't sharing it with her.

"Alex's nanny seems nice," she went on rapidly, filling the growing silence with sound.

"Yes," Peter agreed. "Alex adores her. But..." His expression warmed for an instant and he nodded towards the child held in Jann's arms. "...I haven't seen him this happy since Hawaii."

Jann gently stroked Alex's hair back from his face and planted a kiss in the middle of his forehead. "It must be strange for him. A new bed, new people..." Her voice caught. She forced the words. "But he'll adjust. He's young. As long as he's fed, bathed, and held, he'll be fine."

"That's not what you said before."

"Isn't it?" She asked the question fiercely, tried to keep from her eyes the secret she carried, that she loved this man who had taken away her son.

"I've got to go," she said again, but desperately this time, the whole situation becoming more than she could bear.

"We haven't talked."

"We've nothing more to say." Unless they discussed the magic they'd felt that day in Hana, or the pools and the light and the love they had shared. Or did he simply want to say he was sorry they'd made love? If he did that, she couldn't bear it, for she wasn't sorry at all.

She thrust her baby back into Peter's arms, feeling the knowledge bite deep into her soul, that there would be no end of this for her, that she would love this man forever no matter what he felt for her. And nothing she could do or say would ever change that reality.

With one last longing look at Alex, she pulled her finger free from his fist.

"No," Peter growled, catching her by the arm.

She stood motionless, trembling, engulfed in a fatigue of spirit that kept her feet rooted. Perhaps Peter was right. Perhaps she had to stop and listen. Maybe when she heard him say he didn't love her, had never loved her, the hard truth might release her heart. And after that was done, she'd be able to go home, back to her pictures and her boat and her life before Peter and Alex, back to a time when she didn't know all that love promised.

Chapter 16

Peter released her arm and gently placed Alex back onto his blanket. "You're going traveling?" he asked then, as though needing to lead gently into whatever he had to say.

"Yes," Jann lied, wishing he'd simply say it, so she could pick up the pieces of her broken heart and go home.

"But you'll be back?" he asked.

"I don't think so," she replied, pain battering her spirit like the winds of a hurricane. If she could capture that pain, she could turn it into strength. It was strength that she needed if she was ever to go on, if she was going to be able to let them go on too.

She realized suddenly that Peter held himself stiffly, as he had when she first met him.

"Take care of Alex," she begged.

"I will," he replied hoarsely.

She too had made that promise and it was one she'd been forced to break. She tried to speak, but her words strangled in her throat. Before she could force them out, his gaze gripped hers and he cupped her chin and kissed her.

For one sweet single moment, she returned his kiss, finding neither the strength nor desire to push him away. Into that one delicious kiss she put her hopes, dreams, and promises; then, fighting a current of longing, she pulled loose from his arms.

"Be happy," she cried then with a swift final glance at the two she loved, she turned and ran towards the house. She paused only once when Alex began to cry.

"Jann," Peter called after her.

She thought at first he would follow then knew that he wouldn't when Alex's tears turned to sobs.

"Jann," he called again, more urgently this time, but in a voice muffled by the action of picking Alex up.

Hot tears blinded her eyes as she swept swiftly into the sunroom, then down the long corridor towards the front door.

Callie Reynolds emerged in front of her from a room off the hall, but Jann brushed past, ignoring the nanny's astonished look and out-flung arm. Even Claire's picture had no power to stop her, emitted no secret glow to force her back.

She'd been wrong ever imagining a life with Peter might be possible. She could only pray now that she'd be able to forget.

A swift opening of the front door and an even swifter descent of the stairs brought her to the taxi. One look at her face must have told the driver her desperation, for he turned the key in the ignition, pressed his foot to the gas, and they roared through the twin pillars as though escaping the gates of hell.

* * *

Claire's bench was the same. And the view hadn't changed either. Even the sun was as fiery as before. But the magic was gone, as Peter and Alex were gone.

Jann dashed the beginnings of tears from her eyes. She couldn't cry any more. It felt as though she'd been crying forever. Great bucket loads of tears that seemed to spring from her body as though from a secret reservoir.

No more. She was home now. She had to put her love behind her.

She had flown to San Francisco after Boston, thinking a few days there would give her time to think. But San Francisco with its misty bridges and clanging trolley rides was a city made for romance, not sadness. All she could think about was Peter, then Alex, then Peter again. Best to simply go home.

She shifted her bag to her other shoulder, glad she'd instructed the cab to drop her at the park. She wasn't ready to face Ruby and the Capt'n yet, didn't want to answer their eager questions and see the pitying looks in their eyes. She'd walk home slowly, decide what to say.