A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) (16 page)

P.O.V. Wolfgang Metzger

“I thought there was more to your Mademoiselle DeeDee than meets the eye,” says my close quartered companion.

“Ja,” I agree, “she ist truly a remarkable voman. I have been vith her ever since.”

I am shocked at my candor. This is the first time I have spoken of that night since it happened.

“I refused to return back to our farm house. It could never be home again. I swore that I would follow und serve her alvays. At first, Mademoiselle tried to dissuade me, but she eventually relented and took me under her protective wing.”

~huh-sigh~

“Okay, James. I tell you mein story, it is time for choo to tell yours.”

“Ah! Yes! Here goes!” blurts the outrageous Australian ham, clapping his hands and rubbing them together in delight as he warms to his task. “

“Roight!
~clap!~
Ha, ha!
~rubbity-rubbity~
They should collect a seemingly endless series of photographs and string ’em along together one after another, creating the illusion of movement, to detail the enthralling accounts of my exciting life!”

“They? Who are this ‘they’ that you speak of?”

“Oh, just anybody, they.” James adds wistfully, looking off into the distance within the tiny car.

“Sorry I asked. Please to continue.”

“Well it all started when I was just a pup-sized koala to a dingo’s relief. The upbringing I got at the hands of my Binga Bingas was priceless. Never short the berroons, I quickly made my mark in the skids. Up the Raleigh roost I came like a night squelching bird of Gongarine devouring a Tazmanian turtle tink up the gullipers. Well, as you can imagine, I got the attentions of some very quinky, quinky tufters. The Melbourne School for Dangerous Scamps holds me dear in their hearts. I remember my third grade teacher. Funny how his hair turned from red to white in the short time I knew him... From there, the open melawonks called me orster. I couldn’t resist! I had a Sheila in every port! What a time that was! But, as is the case with obvious talent, my Queen that is my beloved Oz called upon the country’s finest to rise and serve her. Being Australia’s blossom of perfect manhood, I readily accepted the respected position in the Queen’s Secret Service. Ten willawoops and a kangaroo ride will getcher the morning rose? You guessed it!

“Thank you, James. I know that was difficult for you to share.”

“Let’s rest a few minutes before making our next move.”

“I think the next move is to freeze to death in this ridiculous carriage you have left us stranded in.”

~tap, tap, tap~

I do not recall falling asleep, but we must have, as the next thing I remember is waking to the tapping of a hand on the glass. Faint streaks of light in the sky, proclaim the passing of night.

James cranks his window down.

“Yeah?”

“You’re alive! Thank Goodness! Sorry to disturb you, sir, but I thought you might be in a bit of a spot. Looks like you may have accidentally run out of coal maybe. Out here in the middle of nowhere, that could be dangerous. Lucky for you I came along. You boys would surely freeze to death in another few hours. I just happen to be a traveling coal distributor. I sell coal at the extremely fair rate of three cents a bucket. May I fill your bin?”

“What!
Three cents a bucket!
No thank you! We’ll just sit here and wait on the next traveling coal man to come along! My word, three cents! That’s highway robbery that is! Thank you my good man, Good Day!”

James starts to roll up the window.

“Nein! Nein! Nein! Vee vant zee coal! I pay you twenty-five cents a bucket! A dollar! Don’t listen to my crazy friend!”

“And we want a receipt!” Adds the bird brained dodo.

*~~~*

“The heat of this furnace is a life saver. I am relieved to be on our way. That reminds me, there is something I have been meaning to ask you, James.”

“I am your canary. I’ll sing.”

“How did you manage to have the Steamer prepared for us, back in Winniedepuh? When we got to the road-car, it was at full steam and pressure, seemingly awaiting your arrival.”

“Hah! Nice bit of logistical planning initiative if I don’t say so meself! Do you remember this little fellow?”

He removes a small device from a slot in the instrument panel of our technological wonder. The device is approximately the size as the end of mein thumb.

“Ja, the ridiculous toy you had to play vith back in the sleigh!”

“That’s right, Wolvsie! Glad to see you’re paying attention.”

He displays the small, brass, winged, clockwork device.

“The ‘HomingBird’, Wolvsie; it’s the latest thing from K.E.W.W. When it returned to its slot here in the car, it sparked an ignition. Queuing the furnace was all that was necessary to prepare the car. It takes time to let the water heat, boil, turn to steam, and then gather pressure for a day’s work. I like to have things set up for my tomorrow person. The person I will be tomorrow, if you will. The whole idea was so that I could stay inside and enjoy my breakfast while the water got hot.”

We pause at the top of a hill overlooking the village of Kuetinpeenk. Our view continues out across her expansive bay. This looks out into the Alaskan Sea.

The North Pacific lies beyond. This could be the world’s most inhospitable environment. Gray waves rise like restless mountains on her turbulent surface. Cold winds blow the tops off of the rolling, roiling, hills of white-capped water. Freezing temperatures turn even these salt waters to ice. Thick, impenetrable fog blankets the Ocean.

In an uncharacteristically hushed tone, James confides:

“I feel as if I can look out across the entire Pacific. In my mind’s eye, I can see across thousands of miles of open ocean. My vision bends with the curve of the Earth. I can see past Hawaii, all the way to Australia. In this foreign, Northern Hemisphere, I am afforded an unusual perspective. To my left is North America. Her mad rush for Empire status is a terrible thing to behold. Then my vision extends on to Central and South America. In all of these places, the countries have allowed power hungry madmen to assume control of their otherwise peaceful existence. The opposite side of the Pacific tells a similar tale. From New Zealand and my own beautiful Australia, and every nation heading North, namely China, Burma, Nippon, and Russia, countries position themselves for a war of expansion. Fleets of warships are built while massive Zeppelins fill the skies. They carry the most frightening arsenal of weapons the World has ever conceived. Plus we have our own little discovery of illegal and unethical surprises.”

“So it is our responsibility to save this entire hemisphere, from not only itself, but from secret outside forces pushing a willing group of empire expanding gluttonous countries into a war they are eager for anyvay.”

“Correct on the first, squittle.”

“Do you have any idea how to perform this impossible mission?”

“Absolutely none whatsoever!”

*~~~*

Where is James? He said we would meet me back here in the lobby in an hour. We agreed; shower, change, and then we would go out to eat. That was two hours ago.

Oh, the hotel shower; wunderbar! So refreshing, and rejuvenating to the point of decadence!

Clean clothes, I did not know how much I missed you!

Only a few minutes are necessary to prepare. A trim of mein beard, some careful shaving, and mein features are properly groomed.

It is so nice to be comfortable! To release the heavy, functional austerity of our adventure gear, and to wear a finely crafted gentleman’s suit revives my soul. Stylish and refined, these are the finest clothes to be had on any continent. I relish the return to civilization!

Come on, James, where are you?

I’ll purchase a few cigars from the lobby tobacconist. An after dinner cigar will be a welcome treat. I might as well enjoy one now, while I wait on James.

After our trying ordeals, I am looking forward to a nice dinner. A quiet evening, at a relaxing Gentleman’s Clubbe, is what I crave. A nice steak and a snifter of brandy will calm the stress I bear. Perhaps a quiet game of cards with other solid and respected fellows will be afforded. We shall recline in thickly cushioned, leather furniture, enjoying a time of reflection, in front of an inviting fire. I envision a high ceilinged library of old, leather-bound books. Deeply varnished woods softly share the kerosene lamps gentle glow. Muted colors soak me into their rapture. The still air of this Victorian Sanctum holds a layer of cigar smoke in suspension, midway to the ceiling. This ist mein parlour outside of time.

I take a deep inhalation of breath and release it slowly, savoring this moment of tranquility.

~h-u-u-h,   ,    ,   ,   sigh.~

James appears at the head of the stairs.

~cough, cough, cough!~

I choke on mein cigar.

“Cut quite the dashing figure, don’t Oi?” asks the ghastly apparition before mein eyes.

From the blue suede shoes of two tones upon his lengthy feet, up to the unnervingly effeminate socks (for I am not comfortable with any man wearing lace) which are on display via one leg that casually braces itself upon the banister, my eye is powerless to look away from the dreadful sight. His legs are adorned by red and white striped trousers, which are in turn supported by rainbow suspenders. A paisley vest shines through an opening in his blue and yellow checkered coat. A pink carnation jauntily rests in the buttonhole. A red bow tie secures the collar of his black-with-white polka dot shirt. He tips his sparkly ribbon bedecked straw hat and waves his bamboo cane in greeting.

I see now why he has taken so long to get here.

It was the preparation of his hair and mustache.

These are plastered and pasted in place.

I would lay money on the waxed ringlets of red hair surrounding James’ face withstanding the impact of a meteor.

“Are you going out wearing that, Wolfie? I’m gonna be embarrassed to be seen with you! Aw, no worries, I’m an easygoing fella, wotcha!”

“We are in agreement that vee are to go and dine at the finest Gentleman’s Clubbe in town, correct?”

“Oh, yeah Wolfie, I’m on board! I know just the place!”

*~~~*

“This ist a wild saloon, to which you have brought me, Agent Murray. This strange clubbe, it is filled with loud musics und coloured lights. I think they need to open a window. That’s funny, there are no windows.”

“That’s okay, Wolfie, where they lack in windows, they make up in gorgeous Sheilas.”

“Ja, there are lots of pretty girls in here. These vomen, they really like to show off, but I worry for their stability. Many of the vomens must cling to strategically placed brass poles for balance throughout the establishment.”

“I thinks they find it helpful in their rhythmic, exotic, gyrational, contortions.”

“No one takes our food order, only drink, drink, drink.”

“If you’re hungry, have some nuts.”

“I am very wary of that bowl of peanuts.”

“Hey, how about you girls joining us for a drink?”

“Sure, big boy, you can buy me a drink.”

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Maybe my buddy wuddy Jamesy is not such a bad guy afferall.

Oh! We have a new girl! Oh, we have two new girls. They are big, healthy female specimens!

“Beat it, girls, these boys are with us.”

“Hey, sister, we were here first...Ow, my hair! Eek!”

“Do you girls want to leave under your own power, or should my friend here assist you?”

“Okay, okay, lady, we’re leaving. These guys are all yours.”

The first newcomer, underwear-clad girlie confidently throws a leg over and plops down in mein lap. We face each other very closely.

“Hiya handsome. My name’s Wilhelmina, what’s yours?”

Her companion has pulled the same maneuver vith James.

“I’m Gretchen. What’s your name, fancy?”

“My name’s Fred, my buxom Tazmanian dream. This less interesting bloke is my friend Barney.”

“A couple of high rollers like you should be in the escorted companionship of a couple of beautiful ladies like us.”

“Roight, I couldn’t agree more!”

“So, Barney, ya wanna buy Wilhelmina a drink?”

“Another round of Koala Zombie Killers, Ja!”

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

“We like to party; do you boys like to party?”

“Well Gruber, Gitchen, Gretchen. Ish likes dis. Oi’m the party, seez, anna Barney over there is wotcha call the pooper.”

“Nein, Barney eez not zee partzee poopzen. It eez you, Freddy pooper faish.”

“Come on boys, let’s go back to your hotel where we can party in private.”

*~~~*

“Fred, you create a diversion at zee desk, vhile I sneakenzie zee girls past und up to our rooms.”

“Roight!”

I have a tough time opening zee door. I might be a little drunk. Maybe I’ma lotta drunka.