Abide with Me (42 page)

“You go talk with Dr. Rodriguez, Mama. I’ll stay here with Pops and then Kirby will come up later.”

“Make sure you’re back at the hotel around seven, okay?”

“Why?”

“Don’t ask questions. Just do what your mother says,” she said, playfully tapping him on his backside.

“Whatever,” Raymond said as he kissed his mother on her cheek.

When his mother left the room, he walked slowly to his father’s bed and sat in the metal folding chair next to the bed’s guardrail. Raymond Sr.’s eyes were closed, but when Raymond Jr. sat down, they opened very slowly. Raymond smiled at his father and studied his tobacco-brown
skin, his sad, brownish-green eyes, and the network of lines around the corners of his mouth. Raymond Sr.’s face had a flat expression, like a lake reflecting a winter sky. Raymond gently touched his fine hair, which was more gray than black, and he realized he’d never touched his father’s body in any way with the exception of an occasional hug. He slowly touched his face and was surprised by how soft it was.

Raymond bit his tongue and then his words began to fill the empty silence. “Pops, I know you’re going to get better. I know this might not be the best time, but your stroke has made me realize that I’m not promised another chance like this. I want to start by telling you how much I love you and how proud I am to be your son. And I’ve been really mad at you for the last couple of months, and I’ve been scared. I was afraid that if I told you how angry I was at you, I’d lose your love. And lately I’ve been frightened because I almost lost you.

“When we got into the argument over what I should do with Trent, I started to write you a letter and tell you how I felt. I knew with a letter I could get my point across without you disputing or discounting what I had to say or how I felt. I guess that’s the lawyer in you,” Raymond chuckled.

He took another deep breath and continued. “When you came to Seattle after I was nominated for the bench, I was so happy. Not because of the nomination, but because my father had come to the place I called home. You were proud of me again. You know the last time I remember you being proud of me?” Raymond asked, knowing full well his father couldn’t answer.

“Besides when I graduated from law school, which I don’t know if you were that happy about, since I didn’t go to Howard. It was when I was in high school and was playing football, and when some cheerleader would decorate our yard with toilet paper streamers and signs, and you and I would try and figure out which cheerleader was my secret pal. Remember how we would clean up the yard after the game
and then go into the house and watch college games? This was before Kirby was interested in football or hanging out with us. During that time I felt like I was a son you could be proud of. As long as I did what you wanted me to.”

Raymond felt his words may have been harsh but these were his true feelings and he needed to say them. He began to trace his father’s face slowly with his fingertips, wondering how many of the lines he had caused.

“Do you know how hurtful it was when you told me you and mom didn’t raise me to be no sissy? I can still see the anger and disgust in your eyes. Did you ever stop and think about how I felt when you gave me the silent treatment when I brought Trent home the first time and introduced him as my life partner? How you denied who I am whenever I wanted to talk about my sexuality. Did you think that reflected on you? It didn’t. My sexuality was decided long before I ever knew what sex was.

“Now, I don’t want you to think that all I remember is the bad stuff. You and I have shared some wonderful times. Remember when we would stay up late drinking beer and eating cold pizza when you were running for state senator? How we talked over campaign strategies? Do you know how proud I was when I worked with you in your firm and you would introduce me to your lawyer friends and judges with such pride? How we would come home and review our caseload and discuss if we wanted the firm to become larger or remain a family business. Those were wonderful times, Pops. You were treating me as an equal, as a man.”

Raymond moved his chair closer to his father. “Now, Pops, I know this is something you don’t want to hear, but you’ve got to hear it from me. I wanted you to be the first one I told when I was nominated and I wanted you to be the person on my side when I went through my confirmation, but that’s not going to happen. I withdrew my nomination today because I realized that the only reason I wanted to be a
judge was so that I could see that pride in your eyes again.” Raymond paused and reached to take his father’s hand in his. Together their hands were an anchor in the world.

“I was trying to live your dream, Pops. I didn’t know until a couple of weeks ago that you wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Why didn’t you tell me that? You would have been a great one. Tough but fair.

“But this little crisis of ours has made me realize that I want to do something more with my life. Right now I don’t know what that is, but I promise you it will be something that makes you proud. But it will be my dream, Pops,” Raymond said as he removed one of his hands from his father’s grasp, then beat his fist against his chest and tears began to fill his eyes.

“So you got to get well, so we can talk about the wonderful things we’re going to do with the rest of our lives. What we’re going to do for our family and for the world. ’Cause I know you’re not finished, Pops, and I feel like I’m just beginning.”

Raymond wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his free hand, never letting go of his father’s hand.

When Raymond arrived back at the hotel, he discovered his surprise. Trent was sitting in a chair looking over some notes at the small table in the suite Raymond was sharing with his mother.

“Trent, what are you doing here?” Raymond asked as he placed the card key on the dresser.

“This time I was invited,” Trent said, getting up from the table and walking toward Raymond. “Your mother and Kirby called me. They told me you need me.”

“Oh they did,” Raymond said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, that’s what they said,” Trent said. He sat on the bed next to Raymond. Trent put his hand on Raymond’s knee and looked in his
eyes and said, “Raymond, I love you deeply, with my whole heart. Since we’ve been together, one of the things I’ve wanted most was for the rest of your life to be the rest of mine.”

“Trent, you did something I thought you’d never do. You hurt me,” Raymond said as he looked sadly into his partner’s eyes.

“I know, and I’m sorry. All I can say is that it won’t ever happen again.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because I can see the hurt in your eyes. I must admit that when I was doing what I did, I didn’t think much of how you might feel. But ever since I’ve left New York, I’ve been thinking how I would feel if you were unfaithful to me, and it’s not a good feeling.”

Raymond stared at Trent and tried to figure out what to say. A voice in his head was telling him, “You’re on a roll, let him have it,” while another was saying, “Raymond, stop being an asshole. You love this man. Forgive him and get on with your life.”

Raymond chose the latter and said, “Trent, I know if we’re going to have a future together, I must forgive you in my heart and I have. It’s just, at times, I think about it and I still feel anger and sadness. I begin to wonder if we can ever have what I thought we had.”

“We can,” Trent said. He moved closer to Raymond. He breathed in Raymond’s strong, clean scent and began to kiss him on his neck, and then his ears, his face, and finally Raymond’s lips. Raymond didn’t resist as he had in New York. He began to savor the taste of Trent’s tongue. When they stopped kissing, they both stood up, and Trent noticed Raymond’s face had softened. A tenderness had come into his eyes.

Then, in an unspoken agreement, they moved to opposite sides of the bed and pulled back the bedspread. In a single fluid movement, Trent removed the yellow knit sweater his biceps were straining, unbuckled his belt, dropped his pants, and removed his underwear.

Raymond stood, still fully dressed and gazing at Trent’s deep-muscled
chest, his flat stomach, and his plump and firm sex. He heard that voice again telling him this wasn’t the way to resolve their problems. But a wave of desire moved through him as Trent moved closer to him with his silky, warm nakedness and began to undress Raymond slowly. The voice became silent. But suddenly Raymond thought of his mother and whispered, “Trent, we can’t do this. My mother might come in.”

He smiled seductively. “She’s got a new room. Everything will be fine.” The heat of his smile made Raymond’s body warm with moisture.

When Trent removed Raymond’s underwear, he stood back and marveled, “Damn, baby, you look better than ever before. And I didn’t think that was possible.”

Raymond and Trent began to make love with a certain caution, as if it were their first time. And in many ways, it was.

In the solitude of her apartment, Nicole decided to write a friend a letter.