Accepted Fate (58 page)

Breyson's mom finally returns to her office with a sheet of paper in her hand. Her face is void of all expression. She seems to have her poker face on and I can't tell if that is a good or bad thing. I've gotten close to her since Breyson and I have been together, but not close enough to know all of her emotions. She sits down in her chair and looks at me. That's when I see it; pity.

Shit! My eyes fill completely with tears and they begin pouring out as the wall comes crashing down. "Honey. There is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to rip it off like a band-aid. The results are positive and based on your period, I would say you probably conceived somewhere around New Years, putting you at..." She looks down at a desk calendar on her desk. "Seven or eight weeks. If the first day of your last period was December seventeenth and you have a twenty eight day cycle. You should be by the book. That time line also makes sense with morning sickness."

I sit here, staring at her, barely processing what she is saying.
This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Wake up Kinzleigh. This is just your inner self freaking out for some reason. Wake up!
"Kinzleigh. Honey. I know this is a lot to take in, but I need to know you're still with me." She begins walking in front of me and props against her desk, clenching the edge in her hands.

I begin blinking and realize this isn't a dream. This is very real. That thought shatters me completely. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I thought it felt different but I didn't know. I swear I didn't know. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me." I'm a blubbering mess and I can't see through the tears streaming down my face. I probably have mascara all over my cheeks. "You probably think I did this on purpose or that I'm a whore. I'm so sorry. I should have been on birth control, but I didn't know how. My mom doesn't support birth control or premarital sex so I relied on him using condoms."

My eyes go wide as I put two and two together. New Years Eve flashes through my mind and the closet at the ball. It felt different not because he changed condom brands, but because we had sex without one and he didn't pull out. I'm so stupid. We make each other stupid when we're in the heat of passion. This is all my fault. We were lucky enough to get out of this mess that one time in the hospital, which makes it happening again completely my fault. I knew after that close call we needed to be more careful. This is my punishment for being such an idiot. "Of course it felt different because he didn't use one...I'm so sorry," I mumble placing my hands over my face to cover my shame.  

"Kinzleigh." She grabs my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face. "Look at me." I do as she says but I can't hide the guilt and shame that is written all over my face. I haven't even began to think about what this all really means. I'm still in a state of shock. "I could never think you were a whore because you
both
made a mistake. I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about being a grandmother before my son graduates college or walks hand in hand down the aisle, but I've been drilling all of them about safe sex since they were old enough for the birds and the bees talk. Reason being, I do this for a living and see way too many young girls in here, in your situation, because they were not given the facts. You have great parents Kinzleigh and I'm not judging the way they parent so don't misunderstand me, but I see this all the time. Parents are more worried about drilling in their kids' heads not to do it instead of what to do IF they're going to do it. The truth is, in a perfect world, sure I would love for my kids to wait until they get married to have sex, but the reality of that is slim to none. Kids need to know what to do to be safe and protected IF they are going to do it against their parents' best advice. As parents, we can't be there to watch you twenty four, seven. If you want to have sex, you're going to find a way. That's the nature of teenagers. I'd be willing to bet my paycheck that you were a virgin before you met my son. Am I right?"

I nod in response but can't say anything. "As a mother, I'm disappointed in you both, but I'm more disappointed in him because he knew better. His father and I have both talked with them all. I knew he wasn't innocent before you. I'm not stupid, but I'm glad he found you. You've settled him down significantly. You're a good girl Kinzleigh and I couldn't ask for anyone better for my son. If I have to be in this situation with him, I'm glad he has enough wits about himself to pick a girl with values and morals. It really makes a mother proud. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Yours and his, well it's just a permanent one; one that I'm sure will change from a mistake to a hiccup or unintentional accident later on down the road once it's here. A child is never a mistake, even if it comes during an unplanned time. If I didn't believe that with all of my heart, I wouldn't do this for a living. Now that I've spoken to you as his mother, I'm speaking to you as your doctor. I want us to do an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. It's going to be uncomfortable since I'm guessing you've never had one before..." She raises her brow and I shake my head to answer her question.

"If you're uncomfortable with me doing either, I can refer you to one of my partners, but I would prefer for us to do them today to ensure everything looks normal; either way it's your choice. The sooner you get prenatal care, the better." This is too much to process in one day. What am I going to tell Breyson? I can't think about any of that right now. I need to get this over with so I can get out of here. This place is giving me anxiety. I need time to cope with all of this.

"Let's just get this over with. It can't possibly be any worse than my boyfriend's mom knowing we have sex and discovering I was pregnant before I did." I stand and she wraps her arm around me and rubs up and down my arm.

"Your secret is safe with me until you're ready to tell someone, okay? Right now, I'm your doctor not your boyfriend's mom. I need you to remember that. Come on. Let's go see if we can get a heartbeat."

We walk into a small room with a table covered in a plastic paper beside a computer screen. She hands me a robe and paper blanket, instructing me to remove my bottoms in the connecting bathroom. "I will go ahead and just do your pelvic exam in here so we don't use an extra room. Clearly, I have no staff today since it's Saturday. We will get your blood work done next week."

I sit on the edge of the table as she boots up the computer screen. Watching her, she takes a long stick looking device and covers it with a condom. "This is a vaginal ultrasound. The baby is too small to see with an abdominal one, so this is the route we have to go." My nerves are running wild as she places my feet in the stirrups and scoots my bottom to the edge of the table. I close my eyes trying to think about something else. I feel uncomfortable and violated, even though I know this is standard procedure. "You're going to feel a little pressure."

In a split second, it enters my body.
Just breathe. Think happy thoughts. Think about Breyson.
Just like that, I'm taken to my happy place. Those beautiful blue eyes consume my memories and his handsome face. I can hear her clicking keys on the keyboard as the device shifts from side to side inside me, but I tune it out. I don't want to look. I play our time together through my mind like a silent movie.

Just when I'm starting to relax, a whooshing sound fills the room followed by a heartbeat, causing me to snap my eyes open. She has turned on the overhead television screen for me to be able to see. I was in no way prepared for what was on that screen. It was a big black spot with what looked like a little peanut connected to one side on the inside of that spot. Right in the center of said peanut was a flittering dot. "Is that it?"

"That's it. It's small but it's very much alive. Take good care of it." She begins pointing and explaining what each thing represents. I'm stunned speechless. We made that. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this. I don't want to think about it right now because I know I will get upset and take away from this moment but it's beautiful. "We were pretty close. Looks like you're due on or around September twenty third with a New Years Eve conception."

She hits some button and something spits out what sounds like a printer. She hands me a strip of photos of what was just on the screen. I can't stop looking at it. This is our baby. What am I supposed to do? This changes everything. This wasn't supposed to happen.

She finishes the pelvic exam and I wait outside while she cleans everything up. I'm standing beside her SUV with a brown paper bag in one hand and my photos in the other. She sent me with information to read and prenatal vitamins to take every day. I'm supposed to come see her Monday for my blood work and to schedule an appointment four weeks out. I need to go somewhere and think. Everything is happening too fast. I need to be alone. I need our tree. I want to go to Pops' ranch. 

***

As soon as she dropped me off at my house, I jumped in my vehicle and left in the direction of the ranch. I can't face my parents right now. I need time to myself. I need time to sort this out. Once I make the thirty minute drive to the ranch, I park and head towards the barn. Without giving it any thought, I saddle up Divinity and climb on her back, taking off through the trees. Once I reach my destination, I release her to get some water and walk towards the large Oak tree that now holds our names.

Running my fingers over our names, the tears begin to spill as the series of events comes flooding to the forefront of my mind, catching up with me. I left everything at home. I never take off without my driver's license and phone, but I didn't want anyone to be able to reach me. I wonder what Breyson is doing. He said he was going to call once he landed. I'm sure I'll be back by then. I just need to calm down. I can't talk to him like this. I refuse to mess up his trip. I'll just have to deal with this on my own and figure out how to tell him when he gets back.

I sit at the base of the tree where we made love on Christmas Day. I'm torn inside. I can't be a mother; I'm too young. We have dreams. Both of us. This will ruin my cheerleading career. It says in the handbook that you can't have children and be in the NCCAA. I just got my welcome packet. My first assignment was this summer. Now, I'm going to be fat and pregnant. This can't be happening to me. I've been waiting for this opportunity for years! We are just seniors in high school. What is everyone going to say when they find out I'm pregnant? What are we going to do about college? We can't end up with dead end jobs to support a baby. This is not part of our plans! I need to be able to plan! This cannot be the ending to our story. We haven't even made it to college.

Not able to hold the cries at bay anymore, I let them go. It's one of those ugly cries; the one where you just need to scream and get it all out and the same one that you need to be completely alone for. Maybe I can give it up for adoption. We can't be parents right now. It won't help me with the NCCAA, but at least I can still get a chance at college and pro as well as Breyson. I won't ruin his career. I know him. He will give it all up and try to get some low paying job to support us while I go to college and try to get a career. I will not make him give everything up. This is all my fault.

As the thought processes through my mind, I get a wave of nausea as if the baby knew what I was considering. Bending over, I empty the contents of my stomach for the fourth time today. I haven't eaten anything now that I think about it. I have only had juice. I don't know how anything could be left to throw up. Once there is nothing left to throw up, I lean against the tree. Who am I kidding? I will never be able to give mine and Breyson's baby away. I would never move past the guilt.

This is not fair. How could I have let this happen? I have never been this irresponsible in my entire life. How are we supposed to raise a baby? It takes money to raise a baby. You can't raise a baby off of love. I can't ask him to give up his football career and I won't. I'll just have to figure something else out. I could never ask him to give his dreams up to support me and a baby. I'll just have to give mine up. That thought breaks me; completely in half.

Pulling my legs up to my chest, I wrap my arms around them and lay my head on top of my knees and allow myself one and only time to feel sorry for myself; one time frame of pity. Once I leave here, I leave here and pay for the consequences to my actions. I will do so without complaint. This is no one's fault but my own. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, but I'll figure it out. I'm exhausted from everything, mentally and physically; some of it, from this day from Hell and some of it as signs of my now pregnant state. My lips taste salty from the constant rain of tears. The last thing that crosses my mind before the blackness consumes me is how much I wish Breyson was here and then my body enters a sleep induced state.

CHAPTER 27

Breyson

We're in mid air and I already miss Kinzleigh. We haven't been apart more than a few hours since the day I saw her at school for the first time. I shouldn't have left her sick, while I come off for fun. I feel extremely guilty. The second this plane lands, I'm calling her. We've been in the air for a while now and everything has been smooth and peaceful.

I have a window seat and I look out across the setting sun. It's beautiful. The pinks and oranges of the horizon are stunning at this altitude. I wish Kinzleigh could be here, sitting beside me, experiencing it with me. It will be nightfall soon. I can't wait to get off of this plane. Reaching in my pocket, I pull out the one item I can't go anywhere without: her anklet. I'll never forget that day; the day she gave me her heart. I've kept it within reaching distance ever since; the anklet as well as the real thing.

Some guys may call me a wuss, but I enjoy being around her every day. I don't want space from her. That girl is my best friend. Kissing the heart of her anklet, I place it back in my pocket and reach in the opposite one. What I pull out is a small black box. I've been waiting for the perfect time to give this to her, but have yet to get that perfect window of opportunity. I open the box and nestled inside, is a small round sapphire, the color of my eyes. She made a comment a while back that when she looks deep into my eyes, it feels like I'm reading her soul. I want this to be a reminder, a promise if you will that for her my eyes are the window into my heart and soul and only she has the access. It's a promise that she is mine forever.