Acquainted With the Night (7 page)

She sat back in her chair. His bald head didn’t prevent her from noticing how much gray was in his mustache. Paul was her father’s friend, her own godfather, her mentor during her career. She loved and respected him, but she sometimes wondered if the respect ran both ways. She knew he’d never fully approved of her relationship with CJ.

“It’s true I’ve never been satisfied with Fullerton’s work,” Alex answered. “Apart from everything else, he’s just not a very good cop. He blames other people for his own mistakes and he’s a complainer.”

“Well, he’s gone too far this time,” Paul said firmly. “When the investigation is completed, you should be rid of him for good.”

“I hope you’re right.” She watched him rub a hand over his gleaming black skull, shaved completely clean, and added, “What else is on your mind, Chief?”

Her use of his title caused him to flinch a little and then she realized whatever it was he wanted was personal.

“Alex,” he said. “I got a call from Chief Wylie. He wants to recruit for the vacancy.”

She knew what he meant, but she didn’t want to acknowledge it. “I’m not sure how that concerns me, Paul.”

He frowned again and said, “We kept the Internal Affairs position open as long as we possibly could.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that. She resigned, that’s what her letter said, didn’t it?”

“Yes, but no one resigns and leaves the same day unless…unless there are other circumstances.”

And that was the truth of it, she thought. The real reason she was going to therapy, the real reason that everyone was looking at her with pity, the real reason she couldn’t sleep at night. Because there were other circumstances. She just had no idea what they were.

What did I do wrong? she asked herself, as she had every day since CJ left. What did I do that was so terrible that she had to leave me, leave her job and home and friends to get away from me?

“This has nothing to do with me,” Alex said bitterly. “The chief wants to hire a new Internal Affairs Inspector. Fine. Clearly his former one isn’t coming back.”

Paul gave her a look she could hardly bear. “I’m sorry, Alex,” he rumbled. “I know you’re upset.”

Upset?
That was hardly the word.

He added, “I feel responsible. I should have talked you out of this at the time, I just thought—”

Her anger flared again. “Thought what, Paul? That you could talk me out of loving a woman? That you could convince me it was a passing phase? You know better.”

He looked angry, too. “I thought you would know how transient those relationships could be. I was afraid you’d get hurt.”

She wanted to explode. “Transient? What the hell are you saying, Paul? That two women couldn’t form a ‘real’ relationship? Jesus, I was with CJ for three years, longer than I was married to Tony, and believe me, I was a hell of a lot happier. I
loved
her, Paul. I wasn’t with her so I could get laid, for Christ’s sake!”

He winced at her words. “Alex, you know I’m not saying that. I’m just saying—”

“You know what? At this moment, I don’t really care
what
you’re trying to say,
Chief
. Just save it.”

They sat a moment, staring at each other, Alex still angry, Paul wheezing a little as he tried to calm down.

“All right,” he said, at length. “I thought you might want to go down and get whatever she left in her office. Personal effects.”

Personal effects sounded as if CJ were dead, Alex thought. She sometimes wondered, in the depths of her despair, if it would have been easier if CJ
had
died. At least it would have been over, she’d know why CJ left, and that she was never coming back. Hope that she might someday see her again had never quite gone away, torturing her every day.

“All right,” she said, shuffling through the paperwork on her desk. She knew she should have done the cleanup of CJ’s office months ago. She’d been dreading this, to finally admit that CJ wasn’t coming home. “I’ll manage it later. This week sometime, is that soon enough?”

Paul stood unhappily. “Yes, fine. Alex, I…”

For a moment she thought he might apologize, but he said only, “How’s Nicole doing?”

“Not great. She’s getting through it.” She looked up at him and added, “We have a lot in common these days.”

He flinched again, then said, “Tell her Betty and I want you both to come to the house next week for dinner sometime. It’ll be like when you were teenagers again, when your Dad had to work late, and we fed you, remember?”

No, Alex thought, it was never going to be like that again, but all she said was, “I’m seeing Nicole tonight. I’ll tell her, Paul.”

She knew she was taking her anger out him a little unfairly. After the scene with Fullerton and then the conversation with Tony, she just didn’t have any patience left for him. She added, “My love to Betty.”

He nodded and left her alone.

Chapter Six

Alex sat with her sister in the backyard as the temperature cooled. The day had been an unexpected harbinger of spring for March, warm and sunny, but it was still going down to the forties tonight. Nicole had lit the firepit on the deck now that Charlie was safely in bed.

She’d also taken out the scotch, and she was on her second, and last, drink of the evening. Alex, who still had to drive home, had stopped at one, and was drinking coffee.

They didn’t say anything for a long time, staring into the flames, flickering orange tongues under the starry night. Nicole lived in Lone Pine, far enough away from the lights of Denver that they could see a few bright pinpoints of light in the endless black above them.

Dinner had been filled with safe topics, mostly driven by Charlie and the challenges of being a fourth grader. He was a great talker for his age, and kept mother and aunt entertained through his macaroni and cheese and chocolate pudding.

He’d finally stopped asking for his Aunt CJ a couple of months ago, but Alex saw him looking at the passenger side door every time she drove up, still hoping to see her emerge and give him a hug.
I know how he feels
.

Alex said, “I saw Paul today. He and Betty want us over for dinner next week.”

Nicole took a drink. “Just like old times, I guess.”

“Something like that.”

“I think Charlie has a sleepover a week from Friday, if I remember the date right. We could go then.”

Alex said, “Well, I’m free.”

Nicole gave her a sharp look that Alex could feel even in the dark. “Alex.”

“Don’t start, okay?”

They sat for a while longer, then suddenly Nicole said, “You are not going to believe what happened to me today.”

“What?”

“Somebody asked me out. On a date.”

Alex almost dropped her mug. “You’re kidding.”

“Well, don’t sound quite so shocked. I’m not
that
old.”

“I didn’t mean that. I just meant—didn’t he know? It’s only been eight months.”

Nicole said harshly, “I
know
how long it’s been, Alex. It’s not like there’s a time limit. They don’t make you wear widow’s weeds for a year anymore.”

Alex reached for her hand. “Nic, that’s not what I meant. You know that.”

Nicole clinked the ice in her glass. “I know,” she said quietly.

“So who was it?”

“What? Oh, another attorney. I’ve known him a while. He’s been divorced for a few years, and has a son a couple of years older than Charlie. We would swap child-raising stories sometimes. He’s a nice guy. I’ve never heard him trash his ex-wife, for example. Seems like a good father, at least.”

Something in her voice caught Alex’s attention. “Did you say yes? To going out, I mean?”

Nicole took another drink. “Sort of. He’s got his son a week from Saturday. We’re taking the boys to the Avalanche game in the afternoon. We’re meeting them there, and probably going for pizza or something after. Not much of a date, chaperoned by a couple of elementary schoolers. But sometimes—I don’t know, Alex, I guess I just get lonely for a little adult male conversation that isn’t about depositions and subpoenas.”

“It’s okay, Nic.”

She sighed. “Is it? A year ago, I thought I knew what my life would be. Now, David’s gone and I have to start thinking differently. I mean, Charlie lost his father.”

“You don’t have to find him another one, Nic.”

“I know. I know you’re right, I just keep thinking. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I miss David every single day, but I don’t owe his memory the rest of my life, do I?”

How was she supposed to answer that?
“Of course not,” Alex answered.

Nicole put her glass down on the table with a sharp clank. “You think I’m a terrible person.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Alex said forcefully. “You’re my sister and you’ve been through something awful. I want you to be happy, that’s all.”

“For a long time after David died,” Nicole said, “I didn’t want to be happy. At first, I couldn’t be, and then, when it got a little easier, I felt guilty.”

“Survivors usually feel guilty.”

“I know. I’m thankful for the grief support group you recommended. They’ve really been great. I think—for the first time, I think I can see that I might be able to be happy again. Not today, or tomorrow, but someday.”

“Maybe Saturday,” Alex said gently.

Nicole laughed a little. “Not quite that soon,” she admitted. “But someday. Jesus, Alex. I really miss sleeping with someone else. Not just sex, although that, too. Just being held by somebody when the lights go out.”

“Yes,” Alex said, her voice almost a whisper. “I know.”

Nicole turned to her. “God, I’m an insensitive jerk. Alex, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Nic. It’s not quite the same.”

“Isn’t it? I mean, I know David’s never coming back, but lonely is lonely, however it happens.”

Alex drank coffee and felt the warmth and the bitter taste of it on her tongue. “Paul said something today about how he should have tried to warn me that relationships ‘like that’ wouldn’t last.”

Nicole said angrily, “I hope you told him off.”

“I did, and I wasn’t very gentle about it, either,” Alex admitted. “God, Nic, how could he even think that? It was as if he thought we were just playing at marriage, or something. Although,” she added bitterly, “maybe one of us was.”

“You don’t believe that,” Nicole said strongly.

Alex looked up at the stars. “I don’t know what the hell I believe anymore. How could she leave me, Nic? What did I do? What didn’t I do? I don’t have a fucking clue.”

After a long pause, Nicole said softly, “Alex, maybe you should see somebody. A professional, I mean. You’re grieving, too.”

“I’m ahead of you. I saw a therapist last week. My second appointment is tomorrow.”

Nicole gripped her wrist. “I’m really glad. And I’m proud of you. I know how hard it is for you to admit you need help.”

“I need something,” Alex admitted. “I can’t live like this. It’s killing me inch by inch, Nic. Living without her is destroying me.”

Nicole said sharply, “You can’t let it. I know how hard it is. I really do.”

Alex gave her a sad smile. “Well, you seem to be getting over it a lot better than I am.”

Nicole released her fingers and sat back. “I had Charlie to consider. I had to pull myself together, for him.”

“Yes,” Alex said. “I guess I’m just not motivated enough to get over her.”

“Listen to me. I need you, Alex. Charlie needs you. Promise me you’ll try.”

Alex said nothing, and Nicole said, “You’re scaring me. Stop.”

Alex finally answered, “I promise, Nic. I just don’t know how much longer I can take feeling like this.”

Chapter Seven

“We talked last week about how you were feeling,” Elaine Wheeler said to Alex. “Today I’d like for you to tell me more about what you expect to get from therapy.”

Alex smoothed her hand over the white leather on the arm of the chair and said, “I’m not completely sure. I know I want to stop hurting so much, I suppose.”

“Why do you think it hasn’t gotten better, over time?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because my life feels as if it’s somehow pending. Like I’m waiting for something.”

“What do you think you’re waiting for?”

She tried to sort through an answer that made sense.

Wheeler said, “This will work more effectively if you try to respond as honestly as you can, without worrying about how you think it will sound.”

Alex almost smiled. It was like questioning a suspect. You were always trying for the most spontaneous, least rehearsed reaction.

“I’m waiting for her to come back to me,” she said simply.

“Do you believe that will happen?” Wheeler asked.

“Do I believe it? No,” Alex responded. “Do I still have some hope that she might come back to me? Yes.”

“Why is that?”

“I suppose because it’s human nature to hope, even against all odds, for what we want. CJ didn’t just vanish, go missing. She went into work, worked half a day, wrote a letter of resignation, withdrew some money from her account, and apparently went home to our condo and packed a few clothes. Then she drove away and no one has heard from her since.”

“Did she leave you a note?”

“Yes. It was not helpful,” Alex said shortly.

Wheeler looked at her curiously. “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘not helpful.’”

“It didn’t tell me anything I needed to know. She didn’t explain why she was leaving, or what I did wrong to make her leave. She said exactly two things, and neither one of them made much sense, in that context.”

Wheeler tapped a finger against her chin. “I’m interested in your perception that you feel as if you did something to make her leave. Why do you feel that way?”

Alex felt frustrated. “Well, it seems obvious to me. If she were upset about her job, or somebody else in her life, a friend, she could have changed that without vanishing. It had to be something about me, or our relationship.”

“Couldn’t she have changed that without disappearing?”

“She could have,” Alex admitted. “But it was probably easier for her to just walk away from me than to stay and face telling me—whatever it was. She did that once before, walked out on a lover.”