Addicted for Now (38 page)

“No, I came with you because you’re my girlfriend,” he says,
stepping closer to her.

She raises her chin, which starts to quiver despite her
strength. “I trusted you. And all this time—”

“I have
never
lied
to you,” he says. “You know more about my life than anyone else. I don’t share
things willingly, you know this about me. Why would I let you in?”

Rose whispers, “You’re playing with my head.”

“No,” he says again, forcefully so that she understands. “He
is.”

Sebastian’s fingers dig deeper in her shoulder. “You’ve known
me since we were children. I only have your best interest, Rose.”

But her eyes stay glued to Connor.

“Rose,” Connor says with such empathy, gazing at her with
passion that nearly stops my heart. “You know me.”

She takes a deep breath. “That’s just it Connor, I don’t
think I do. I don’t think anyone really does.”

Sebastian begins to smile, and Connor looks about ready to
scream.

Rose adds, “I want you to leave.”

I can’t tell who she directs this to until Sebastian’s smile
fades completely. “Rose, didn’t you hear—”

“I heard you,” she says. “I hear you talk badly about Connor
every time I’m with you, and while I agree he’s not the most forthcoming human
being when it comes to his personal life, he’s still my boyfriend. I would
never
allow Lily to cheat. I
hate
that you smoke. And I’m
not
going to take your suggestion to
quit Calloway Couture. I’m going to unpack my office. I’m going to fight for my
company. I’m going to do whatever it takes, and I’m going to stop listening to
you tell me that I
can’t
beat these
odds.”

Go Rose. I think we’re all smiling. Except for Sebastian.

He shakes his head at her. “I’ll call you tomorrow when
you’re not being so bitchy.”

“You won’t,” she says. “I’m blocking your number. You’re not
to see me or talk to me. I never want to hear from you again.”

His mouth falls. “You would listen to him? Rose, I’ve known
you longer.”

“He knows me better.”

Sebastian just keeps shaking his head.

Rose glances at Connor, her shoulders locked tight. “Can you
please get him out of the house? I need to go…” Her eyes flit away, looking for
her room as though it’s vanished.

“Of course,” he says easily. His hand falls to the small of
her back, and he whispers something in her ear before kissing her deeply. She
returns the affection, but there’s sadness in her eyes that wasn’t there
before—the stress of
everything
weighing
on her. And I have a feeling Sebastian has added to it every single day.

When they part, Rose turns to me. And my guards rise. Oh no.
She’s going to yell at me for cheating. I open my mouth, about to let out a
string of sincere apologies, but her arms fling around my shoulders and she
pulls me into a big, sisterly hug. One that she rarely gives, even when she’s
in a good mood.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers in my ear. “I love you.” I feel
her tears on my shoulder. “I’m here if you need me now. I promise.”

I don’t think I deserve this. I ruined her company, but at
the same time, I am overwhelmed at having my sister’s support again. She’s my
biggest and best cheerleader.

So I hug back. I want to ask if she’ll be okay with all of
the Connor and Sebastian stuff, but she places a kiss on my cheek and spins
towards her bedroom on the main floor.

Connor watches her carefully, and Rose meets his gaze for a
single second, brushing her tears off her face. I think they can read each
other’s minds or something because he nods to her and she nods back and
disappears.

Connor guides Sebastian towards the exit.

Sebastian’s eyes flicker to the exams on my lap.

“You’re not getting them back,” Connor tells him.

“You know,” Sebastian says, “I hope you break her heart. She
deserves what’s coming to her.”

“So do you,” Connor says, slamming the door on Sebastian’s
face.

When the tension begins to eke out of the living room, Ryke
says, “Well I fucking learned something today.” His lips rise. “Connor has
balls.”

Connor takes a breath and any anxiety or anger disappears
like the wind, undetectable by the average human eye. “Glad I could entertain
you.” His eyes flicker between the hallway where Rose disappeared down and me.

He chooses me, which only puts a larger pit in my stomach.
He stands in front of the couch, his hands slipping in his slacks.

“Do you really see me as an apathetic trust fund baby?” I
ask, remembering some of the insults that inadvertently flew my way. I have
been lazy and uncaring towards college. I should have tried harder.

“Technically you don’t have a trust fund anymore,” Connor
tells me. His words don’t lift my spirits, and I don’t deserve a brightened
day. I’m at fault here. “You should have told me you were cheating when I
asked.”

“I can’t pass without the old exams,” I defend quickly.

“You can,” Connor retorts. “I’ve tutored you, and I know
that if you just studied, you could pass.”

“I can’t take that chance. I bombed the first two tests. I’m
already behind a semester, and if I fail these classes I’m going to be behind a
whole year.” I hold the tests to my chest, unwilling to let them go over
Connor’s moral compass. “It’s not cheating. It’s beating the system. Everyone
does it.”

“You’ve already beat the system by being at Princeton. By
being at Penn. If you didn’t have your last name, you’d be at a community
college. Where you should be, Lily. How many times are you going to beat the
system until it beats you to death?” His words are weighted and have more
double meanings than I can process. “You don’t need an A. You’re going to be
fine if you graduate with a low GPA at the bottom of the class. Do yourself a
favor. Toss out those tests, and I’ll help you take your finals. I’ll make sure
you learn the material to pass. I promise.”

“I have to turn them in by six o’clock today,” I say.
“That’s not possible, Connor.”

“They’re take-home tests,” he reminds me. “You’re allowed to
use your notes and your book. Just not old exams. We can make it happen.”

 
“We can all help,”
Daisy exclaims with a smile. “I have the recipe for the perfect study
brownies.”

Ryke gives her a look.

“Not those kind of brownies.”

The undertaking feels bigger than me, but I have support.
“You should go talk to Rose,” I tell him. I don’t want to draw him away from
her more than I already have.

“She’ll want to be alone right now,” he says. I’m not so
sure about that, but he adds, “Trust me.” And for some reason, I do. Maybe
Sebastian is right. Maybe Connor does have power in his words.

An hour later, I’ve finished a political science final and
moved onto Stats. A tray of warm, gooey brownies emits a sweet chocolate aroma
in front of me. I’m basically eating the entire plate. Daisy flips through her
motorcycle magazine, not touching a single one.

Ryke left thirty minutes ago, before the brownies were
pulled out of the oven. And I suspect if he was here, he would have prodded
Daisy until she at least tasted a chunk.

I should be one-hundred percent focused on my test, but Lo
went upstairs not too long ago. He never said a word about his phone call or my
tests. He just disappeared.

I hurry through my Stats exam, unconsciously remembering
some of the answers from when I previously bubbled them in with Sebastian. I
finish in the next fifteen minutes, guessing on the last two. The book was
helpful, but Connor’s notes were better. He sat beside me and scribbled down
examples that made the harder questions a lot easier.

I can’t stop thinking about Lo. Upstairs. He only isolates
himself when he’s drinking, and since he’s sober, I’m not quite sure what alone
time for Loren Hale really entails. I worry all the same.

“Can I take a five minute break?” I ask Connor by my side.
“I have to go talk to Lo.”

He checks his watch, calculating how long it will take me to
finish in time to turn the exams in. “You have ten minutes before I’m coming to
collect you. So please don’t let me walk in on you and Lo fornicating.”

Fornicating.
I smile.
It’s such a fancy word for fucking. “We won’t.”

I dash upstairs to my bedroom, stopping at the door for a
second. I hesitate to walk inside. Maybe he wants to be alone, like really
alone. The thought stabs me cold, and I lower my hand from the knob. Is he
slowly breaking away from me? Is that it?

My shoulders rise.

I won’t let him go so easily.

I open the door and brace myself for what’s to come.

Lo sits at the desk, scrolling through different websites on
the computer. His back to me, I see him analyzing a business site. When I shut
the door, he swivels in his chair and makes note that it’s just me before he
returns to his laptop.

The casual brush-off stings.

Before our fight, he would have asked me for help. He would
have gushed about all of his ideas. I’ve been his friend in everything for
years, and all of a sudden, I’ve become as useful as the dust on a windowsill.

“Shouldn’t you be taking your finals?” he asks.

“I’m on a break,” I say, sinking onto the bed.

He focuses on the computer screen.

Is he growing without me? My worst fear may be starting to
come true. He’s strong, committed and sober. I’m unhealthy and struggling in my
addiction. My weakness is too much for him. I’m pulling him down. I’m a weight.

And I’m losing him. Just like I lost everything else.

“Lo,” I try to keep my voice steady.

He faces me this time, concern etching his brow.

I open my mouth, a pain in my heart. “Do you want to break
up with me?”

“What?” he chokes.

“It’s just…we’ve never fought for so long before, and I
can’t tell what you’re thinking anymore.” My insecurities gush like a busted
piñata, and I desperately wish to gather all the candy and stuff it back
inside.

“Lil,” he breathes, standing. He comes to me and takes my
cheeks in his hands, staring down. “Don’t ever ask me that again.” His voice is
soft but still sharp.

“I wouldn’t blame you,” I say, twisting his T-shirt in my
hand. “I mean, I would try to stop you, but I would understand. You’re strong
and I’m...”
a mess.

He brushes my fallen tears with his thumb. “I had rehab,” he
reminds me. “I had lots of help, Lil. Your addiction is much different, and
there’s less support there. I knew I’d be strong and you’d be struggling. It’s
just the way it is. I’m prepared for this. I won’t leave. I won’t ever fucking
leave.”

I’m about to go in for a hug, and he withdraws. “But that
doesn’t give you the right to fall into your old habits. Okay?”

“I know. I know.” I fiddle with my fingers. “Are we still
fighting? I mean, I get it if you still want to be in a fight. But I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry I let you down.” That’s not completely right. I think after
today, especially my conversation with Connor, I know who I’m disappointing the
most. “I’m sorry I let myself down.”

His lips rise just a little. “I accept that apology.”

He lifts me into a hug, and I promise myself that I’ll try
harder. Even if everything starts slipping away again, I’ll remember this
moment, how long it took me to right what I had done wrong. I don’t want to
start that vicious cycle again. I want to break it. I want to beat my addiction
for good, no matter if outside forces pull me down.

I can do it this time.

Please, let me
succeed.

{ 41 }

LOREN HALE

I wish I could give Lily the clear steps to her
recovery, the tips in rehab, all the people sharing their stories for hours on
end—everything that I had, the things I sometimes take for granted. But
recovery for sex addiction is just so subjective and personal. It’ll never be
the same. All I can do is try to be here for her as best I can, especially after
the leak.

I trashed all of her
toys, even the vibrator that Ryke found in the bathtub. She’s nervous without
them, but they’re a security blanket that I’m no longer willing to let her
have.

Lily groans and collapses on the bed, her hands on her
belly. “I’m stuffed.”

I smile. I called in three different orders of pasta and
pizza from a local Italian place and practically force fed her garlic bread. We
celebrated the end of the semester. She turned her finals in this evening with
only minutes to spare. She informed me what happened with Sebastian and Connor,
and I’m proud of her for making the right decision.
 

“Too stuffed to have sex?” I ask. I lift my shirt over my
head and toss it aside.

She props her body on her elbows, her eyes wide. “You-you
want to have sex with me?” She asks like she’s suddenly contagious. This is not
the reaction I expected. I thought she’d fling her arms around me and go in for
attack, trying to touch my dick before I could.

But she remains on the bed, her legs curled up underneath
her. She’s already changed into her pajama shirt—which is my shirt—and I saw
her slip on a pair of panties. She usually climbs into bed without them,
thinking that the easy entry will entice me to fuck her. I know her games.

Tonight, I plan on having sex with her. For one, I’m horny
and I’d really like to fuck my girlfriend. Second, I’ve finally accepted her
apology. Third, she has to see her new psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m worried
this guy is going to throw down some abstinence act on her.

I study her from head to toe and decide that I want to tease
her a little. Giving in is just too easy. “You’re right, maybe we shouldn’t.
You’ve been bad.” Now in my boxer-briefs, I climb onto the bed where she lies
unmoving.

“Bad good or bad bad?” she asks.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I say with a smile. I reach
towards the nightstand and pause. This would be the moment where I’d grab my
whiskey. But in this moment, I only want one thing. And it’s not booze.

I open the drawer and fumble around for a condom. As soon as
Lily sees the small package, she crawls over to me and holds out both hands
like she’s trying to catch rain. It’s beyond adorable.

“I was bad good then,” she tells me.

“You were bad bad,” I refute, not giving her the condom just
yet. “What did you learn this week?”

She drops her hands. “Self-love is not for me…even in
bubbles. People at Princeton hate Yale and my boyfriend is really sexy when he
defends my honor.”

“People at Princeton hate Yale?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, I didn’t get it either.”

My eyes catch her ring. In the bathtub, I knew she was lying
about wanting to see if the diamond could be dyed pink, but I wonder if she
really does dislike it. I’ve only seen her stare at it with disdain.

“You know,” I say, taking her left hand and rubbing my thumb
over the diamond. She stiffens a little. “If you hate it, I can always get you
a new one. This proposal may have been bullshit but the engagement is real.”

She retracts her hand and shakes her head. “No, it’s fine.
Girls would die for a ring like this.”

“Just because other girls would like that ring doesn’t mean
you have to.”

“It may not be my dream ring,” she admits, “but I want to
keep it.” She points to my other hand, the one with the condom. “Let’s get back
to what’s important here.”

 
I don’t give the
package to her. Instead, I press my lips to hers, cupping the back of her head
to bring her closer to me. She reciprocates instantly and swoops her arms
around my neck. My mouth melds with Lily’s, our tongues brush and I suck on her
bottom lip. She deepens the kiss, her hands running up and gripping my hair.
She kisses hungrily, like it’s her fucking life-force.

I have to break apart just to get air.

Her mouth trails my neck, and her hand moves over my
boxer-briefs, rubbing my cock. It feels too good to demand her to stop. My
hands slide underneath her baggy shirt and find her breasts, grabbing and
kneading them until I feel her gasp against my neck.

Her movements start to intensify and she tugs at my
boxer-briefs, my cock springing out.
Dammit.
Swiftly, I gather her hands in mine and pull her away from my dick. It takes
all my control not to let her pleasure me right away.

She stays on her knees, but they have parted considerably
and I steal a glance down at the spot between her legs. I can already see the
wetness seeping through her cotton panties. When I look back up, her eyes
haven’t moved from mine.

“Can you teach me how to be the good kind of bad?”

Christ.
I want inside
of you
.

“It’s not easy,” I tell her.

“Please.”

She’s never given over her control during sex. Not like
this. And I think it’s the perfect time to do something she’s been waiting for.

As quickly as I can, I tug down my underwear and toss them
to the floor. Still leaning against the headboard, I scoop up the condom from
the sheets and tear it with my teeth. She holds out her hands again in that
cute little manner. I don’t have the willpower right now to let her put it on
me without taking her hard and fast. So I ignore her requests and slide the
condom along my shaft in two fast motions.

She doesn’t say anything, but she scuttles back and lies
down, waiting for me to take her, like I’m going to be on top. God, I love that
I’m going to fill her with surprise.

“Nope,” I say and grab her hand, sliding her back to me. I
take hold of her left leg and her hip, lifting her onto my lap with ease. She
straddles me and braces herself with her hands on my chest. Her eyes widen in
shock.

“I’m…we’re…”

I can’t stop grinning.

Her head slowly drops until she’s staring at my cock that’s
right up against her pussy, waiting (rather impatiently) to be inside. She
glances back to me. “This isn’t on the blacklist?”

“No, love.”

She frowns. “Do you think since Dr. Banning isn’t my
therapist anymore that I can see that list?”

“Even if she’s not your therapist, we’re still going to obey
that list,” I tell her. I have no intention of fucking with all the progress
she’s made. And who knows how long her new psychiatrist will last? “So I don’t
want you to see it.” Not yet at least.

She nods and rises on her knees, acting like she’s going to
put my cock inside of her. I hold onto her waist, stopping her. She looks
confused, and the horny part of me is too. Why the fuck am I dragging this out?

“If you’re going to be on top, we have to have rules,” I
tell her.

“Oh.”

“You said you wanted to be good bad.”

“I do.” She touches my bare chest with her hands, and her
eyes fall to my abs. She becomes distracted way too fucking easily.

I tilt her chin up, her eyes landing on mine again. “Don’t
move.”

“What?”

Before I can answer her, I have lifted her by the hips and
placed her gently over my cock. Her panties are still on, but I tug the fabric
aside and out of my way as I lower her down. She clutches onto my neck and lets
out a ragged breath that turns quickly into a moan.

“That’s it,” I tell her, easing her down onto me. I close my
eyes for a second, basking in the tightness, finally inside of her… When I fill
her completely, she bucks her hips, beginning to rock against me.

I seize her waist again. “Don’t move.”

She shudders at my words. “Then you move,” she pleads.

“I’m taking my sweet fucking time,” I reply, running my hand
underneath her shirt, massaging her breast once more.

She lets out a long moan and presses her forehead to my
shoulder, but she doesn’t move her hips this time. “How are you not dying?”

I am.
But I want
it to last too much to give into my impulses.

“Lo, I need to come.”

“You want to come,” I refute. “You don’t need to do it.” My
lips find her ear and I suck gently on the sensitive place. Another staggered
breath rumbles through her.

“That’s not what it feels like.”

I raise her shirt past her belly, but she refuses to
disentangle from my shoulders to allow the fabric off her arms and over her
head. “And I want you naked, but apparently we all don’t get what we want.”

She shifts a little, causing her eyes to flutter, but her
arms weakly fly to the air. I pull the shirt off, and my eyes fall to her erect
nipples, begging for my attention. My tongue flicks over the little buds, and
she starts to gyrate against my cock. My whole body ignites, heating up with an
undeniable pleasure. I’m the one who groans this time, but I manage to stop her
again. My hands plant decisively on her hips, causing her to still. I take the
opportunity to let them slide to her ass and squeeze.

“If you move again,” I tell her. “I’m going to thrust inside
you twice and come and then we’ll be done for the night.” Her mouth forms a
perfect “O” and she keeps shaking her head like I’ve announced the apocalypse.
“Now be a good bad girl and stay still while I fuck you.”

Her head reverses course and begins to nod up and down.

I don’t mention that I can’t stay still much longer either.
It’s all about perception, and she needs to think I could wait out eternity
with my cock nestled firmly inside of her.

After I kiss her lips one last time, I grab onto her ass as
tight as I can and buck my hips up. She lets out the most beautiful noise, like
I’ve hit a thousand nerves. I do it again, pulsing my cock up and down, up and
down. Fast and slow. Up and down. I thrust my cock so deep that she grabs onto
me, trying to hold on. I release one of my hands from her hips to place it on
her head, bringing her mouth down to mine. We kiss and fuck and when she’s on
the brink, I have to slow down so she doesn’t come.

She whimpers against my body, and my breathing becomes
ragged as I try to make this last as long as I can. After a while, she presses
her lips to my neck, not having enough energy to travel the distance to my
mouth. “Please,” she pleads, her voice full of sheer want.
“Pleasepleaseplease.” She kisses my collarbone and it’s over at that.

I take her hips in my hands and begin to thrust so hard and
fast in her that she starts to shriek. Her waves of pleasure crash into her and
flow throw me. She grips the back of my hair, my waist, my arms, my thighs,
anything to keep her upright as her orgasm pummels her.

She sinks into my body, and I pull out of her slowly.
Exhaustion fills me, and I know this is the hard part. I want her to be
satiated; I want one long, rough lay to be enough. One day, I know we’ll get
there. But today is not that day.

She is already sliding off my body and kneeling beside my
waist. I glance at the clock and gage how much time we have left, and then I
feel her take my dick into her palms.

With one hand I gather her hair out of her face, and she
sinks her mouth around my cock. My breathing evens out as I watch her tongue
lap at the head and lick all the way down the shaft. It’s hot as hell. I close
my eyes and relax against her movements. She touches my cock with the perfect
amount of force, knowing all the places to suck. And it doesn’t take long
before I’m rock hard again. Her movements become faster and more determined. I
even hold her head steady when she wraps her lips around my long shaft. Her
eyes flit up to mine in a doe-eyed way…and she has my entire cock in her mouth.
This, right here, is what turns me on the most.

She begins to move her mouth back and forth again, and I
have to pull her off. “But I want you to come in my mouth,” she says.

For fuck’s sake. She does not make this easy.

“Well, I want to come in your pussy,” I retort. “I see we
have a predicament. Should we flip for it?”

“No!”

I grin. “I didn’t think so.” I roll her onto her back and my
hand slides between her legs, feeling just how soaked she is. I know she’s on
the pill, so I don’t bother grabbing another condom. I want to fill her with my
cum, to leave myself inside of her all week.

I hover over her body, my eyes on hers. She looks at me like
I’m the only man in the world, like she could stay here in this bed forever. We
have ten more minutes and that’s it, but I don’t think she’s counting. If her
new psychiatrist forces her to be abstinent and this is the last time we can
fuck, I’m going to make it worth it. I’m going to make her remember every
movement and detail.

I’m going to make this one unforgettable.