Admissions (20 page)

“Hey!” I run toward Carl’s truck. Joe Doremire jogs across the lawn and onto Heaven’s Gate Road where his truck is parked behind a monument.

“Carl, you alright?”

“Did you hear that, Luanne? He’s the one. Some of his boys the one’s beat me up down in the tunnels.” Carl turns back to Judy’s grave. “Honey, did you hear that? I swear to god …if he had anything to do with you …I’ll kill him.”

Chapter 41

I
t’s the first week in September. I groom my flower beds early before the sun catches fire. I hear the work crew of patients gathered by the bandstand, setting up for the Fall Carnival, the last major outdoor event of the summer season. I stand up and scan the crowd, my hand over my eyes to block the sun, still low in the sky.

Heidi scurries across the lawn with posters in her hand. “Morning, Lu. Man, do you ever give up? It’s September.”

“Best time of year for gardening.”

Autumn comes down the walk from Building 50 on her way to her job in the laundry. “Morning, girls.”

“Morning.” Heidi motions Autumn over. “Don’t tell me—laundry.”

“Yup, hi-ho, hi-ho,” she smiles. “How’s the carnival going?”

“Busy. I’m captain of the ship of fools.”

“Heidi!”

“Just kiddin’.” Heidi is the volunteer coordinator for the carnival. Although she jokes about it, I know she takes her job very seriously.

“Garden looks pretty, Lu,” Autumn says.

“Yeah, and her mother and sister are coming to the carnival. They’ll be proud of you, Lu,” Heidi says. “I gotta get going.”

“Me, too. There’s the bell.” Autumn breaks into a trot toward the laundry. I sit down on the grass, and before long Carl comes by to help.

“Getting’ that garden in tiptop shape?”

“Yeah, I gotta admit. I want to show it to my mom on Saturday.”

“Well, course you do. It’s a beauty. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Carl.”

“Here, let me prop up those mums with a few of these sticks.”

“There’s the Lobster on her way to break.”

“A lobster? Where?”

I laugh. “Doris Lobsinger. The Lobster, we call her. She’s the one I told you about. The nurse who was so mean to me when I first came in.”

“That so?” Carl shielded his eyes with his hand. “Well, by god, no wonder. That’s Doris Doremire.”

“Doremire? You mean like Joe Doremire?”

“Yup, sure do. She’s his wife. Well, not now. They got a divorce. I can’t tell you how many times the police were called to their house. He beat her, too. Just like Jeannie, his new wife. Yup, she married Vern Lobsinger. He’s gotta be better than Joe.”

After lunch, I go to Hall 9 for group and sit down next to Estee.

Dr. Murray starts, speaks across the group, directly to Estee. “Good afternoon. How are you feeling?”

“Really good.”

I can hear her mumble under her breath,
That’s it, play the game, fake it, fake it.

“Have you been tired?”

“Yes, a little. I’m nodding off a lot.”
The bitch is planning to keep you doped up. Do something!

“The itching and dry mouth are starting to bother me,” Estee says.

“Have you heard any voices, Estee?”

“Voices?…No.”
Good job. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anyway.

“No voices at all?” Dr. Murray asks.

“No, none.”

“That’s good news.”
See? Told you …ignorant cow.

I can’t hold my tongue. “Estee, Dr. Murray asked if you’ve been hearing voices.”

“I know. The answer is no.”

“Hearing voices. Like right now?” I don’t want Estee going off the deep end again.

“Shut up, Luanne. I said no.”

“I’m going to reduce your medication again, Estee. You should feel more alert, less groggy. By Saturday, you’ll be in good enough shape to go to the carnival with Heidi.”

Bingo!
“Thanks, Dr. Murray. I really think I’m ready for that.”
Yeah, you’re ready all right. They can’t keep you down. You’ve got things to do.

Dr. Murray leans forward, looks directly at Estee. “You’ve had a setback, but you’re on the mend. I’ll see you at the carnival.” Dr. Murray sits back in her chair. “Who would like to talk?”

“My parents locked me up here because I’m a pervert,” a young woman named Fran speaks up.

“Go ahead,” Dr. Murray nods.

“I love Jody.”

“Who’s Jody?” Heidi asks.

“She’s my …girlfriend, I guess. We love each other. We tried to keep it a secret …my little brother saw us kiss. He told. All hell broke loose.”

“You get locked up for that?” I ask.

“I’m a homo, I guess,” Fran said. “My mom says Jesus hates queers.”

“Is that being mental?” another patient asks Dr. Murray.

“Right now, homosexuality is a mental illness, yes. But I believe that will soon change.”

“You don’t get locked up for being a homo, do you?” I ask.

“I tried to kill myself,” Fran says.

“Oh. Me, too,” I say.

“And yes, you do get locked up for being a homo.”

“My kids are coming up for the carnival,” Autumn says. “My oldest is so mad at me. He’s hard to be around.”

“Just be patient with him, Autumn. His world is upside down right now,” Dr. Murray says.

“I feel so guilty. My mom says I’m letting him walk all over me, just like Jim did. But he wouldn’t be so mixed up if it wasn’t for me,” Autumn says. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Jesus, you killed his dad!” Fran shouts.

“You don’t know jack-shit about it, you perv,” Heidi yells.

“Ladies, please try to be respectful. Let’s keep it positive,” Dr. Murray says.

“Positive, huh?” I’ve had it. “That’s a laugh.”

“What’s going on, Luanne?” Dr. Murray asks.

“Summer’s over, gardening’s done. I miss Isabel. Now I’m losing Carl. He’s been . . .in the time we had working together …well, he’s been like a dad, or an uncle, at least.”

“It’s okay to be friends with a staff, right? I mean if they help us get better?” Autumn asks.

“It’s not allowed. Patients do tend to feel close to some of the staff, that can’t be helped. But, not friends.” Dr. Murray says. “Carl is a father substitute for you, Luanne.”

“Yeah, I guess so. He’s a nice old guy. He treats me like a real person.”

Later, in the dayroom, I sit next to Estee. She holds up her cigarette for a light, and sits smoking. She isn’t speaking to me. But she isn’t silent.

“I hate feeling this way. I can’t trust anybody—well, maybe Autumn,” she says out loud.

“Autumn’s my friend. She’s never done anything to harm me, Luanne or Heidi either. They’re my family now.”

I look over at Estee, wonder if she’s talking to me. But she isn’t. She’s having an argument with somebody, somebody who isn’t there. “The carnival’s coming up …It’s going to be fun. I need that. I need it!”

Estee rocks and hums loudly—my guess, to drown out the voices.

Chapter 42

THE OBSERVER
            
October 4, 1969

FALL CARNIVAL FUN

Our Fall Carnival was a roaring success! Dr. Murray spent a lot of time underwater thanks to the hotshots who bought tickets at the dunk tank. Huge amounts of popcorn and soda were sold, as well as candy and caramel apples. Winners of the contests are on page 11. Goodbye summer, see you next year.

We walk across the grounds on a cloudless, crisp Saturday. The sky pulses with flocks of barn swallows enjoying the fading days of summer, singing their songs high in the oaks. The dunk tank booth takes center stage at the carnival, and Dr. Murray has once again volunteered to be the one of the stooges. Carl and I are there to help set up.

“Mornin’.”

“Good morning, Carl, Luanne,” Dr. Murray says.

“I been assigned to the dunk tank …supposed to reset after each dunk and help you back up,” Carl says.

“You’re volunteering?”

“Yup. Gives me somethin’ to do.”

“I’m just here for an hour or so to help get things going,” I add. “Mom and Molly will be here at noon.”

“Great. Luanne, you can get that stack of towels ready and put a little more water in the tank. I don’t want to hit bottom. The hose is right over there by the back of the tent. Carl, how are you doing?”

“Good, real good.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Carl.”

Carl checks his watch. A stampede of patients will begin right after the nine a.m. bell, time for Dr. Murray to get perched in the tank. Carl holds her arm as she skooches out onto the platform. The bell rings and patients and attendants spill from the cottages and hurry down the sidewalks, chatting and laughing with excitement.

Dr. Murray turns toward Carl. “Just thought you’d want to know. Joe Doremire was fired last week.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. Thank you, Carl. I didn’t mention who told me about the Soap House, but he got what he deserved. He’s gone.”

“He planned to retire this year.”

“He lost his retirement.”

“Well, he brought it on himself,” Carl sighs, steps away from the tank.

Heidi and Estee walk up with tickets. Heidi gives Carl three and lines up for a winning shot. The balls flash by on their way to the target. The first misses completely, the second nicks the edge, and number three lands just outside the bull’s eye. “Damn it! I need to save tickets for a caramel apple. Estee, you try.”

Estee stares at Heidi. “What …what do I do?”

“Here, give me a ticket. Carl, we’ll take one.” Heidi rips a ticket from Estee’s roll, takes the ball from Carl and hands it to her. “Now throw as hard as you can at that bull’s eye.” Estee shuffles up to the front of the booth. She raises her arm, brings the ball up to ear level and throws it. It plops onto the counter, bounces, and lands in the dirt outside the booth.

“I’m not very good at this, I guess,” Estee says weakly. “What? No, that’s not it.”

Heidi puts her hand around Estee’s shoulder. “It’s okay. You’ll do better at other stuff.”

You need a gun, not a ball
, Estee mumbles.

I see Autumn coming down the path with her children. She’s talking and laughing with Rudy. The kids chatter with excitement, all but the oldest who drags his feet, kicking up dust as he walks by.

“Carl, how’s it going?” Rudy asks.

“Good, Rudy, real good. You?”

“Pretty good. I ran into Autumn here today. She works for me in the laundry.”

“Nice day, huh?”

“Gimme’ some money. I want to try it,” Ryan says to his mother. “Give me some money,” he demands. Rudy gives him a ticket. He throws the ball with such force, it almost hits Carl who stands behind the tank.

“That’s quite an arm you’ve got there,” Dr. Murray says.

“Yeah, right.” He kicks at his sister.

“Hey kiddo, let me help you with your aim,” Rudy says.

“Nah. Never mind.” Ryan walks ahead, kicking stones into the booth canvases as he passes.

“Nice to see you, Dr. Murray. Good luck,” Autumn says. “See you later, Lu.” She puts her hand on the shoulder of her youngest, guides her down the path.

Just before noon, Mom and Molly meet me at the dunk tank.

“Mom, this is Carl, the attendant I told you so much about.”

“Luanne can’t say enough good about you, Carl,” Mom says. “Thank you for helping her.” She shakes Carl’s hand.

“She’s the one’s got the good heart,” Carl says, patting me on the shoulder. “She’s a hard worker, this one.”

“I’m proud of her,” Mom says.

“Jumpin’ Jesus, you look just like my dad,” Molly says. “Man, that’s weird.”

“What did I tell you? And that’s my doctor over the tank.”

“Hi, Mrs. Iazetto, Molly.”

Molly buys three balls. “Prepare to swim.” She sends Dr. Murray into the tank all three times. They laugh as she mocks drowning.

“Please don’t let her have any more tickets,” Dr. Murray jokes as she rubs her hair with the towel.

“She’s a powerhouse! Made all-state this year in softball,” I pat my sister on the back.

“I’m proud of all my daughters,” Mom says.

Chapter 43

A
fternoon, Dr. Murray.” I sit down for my session.

“Good afternoon, Luanne. How are you doing?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Any good bad dreams.”

“Um-hummm.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m at the beach. I see a kitten scratching in the sand. Like he’s in a giant litter box. When I get closer, I can see the kitten is wearing diapers, like a baby.”

“Go ahead.”

“I bend over to pick the kitten up. He lets out with this loud squalling. He clings onto my shirt with his claws. He’s starting to hurt me. I pull him away from me, and he’s now the kitten baby. He reaches out and scratches me. I drop him in the sand. He scampers away, and climbs on top of a large sand hill. He’s crying really loud. Then I hear Jeff’s voice.
What’s that?
I hear him say.”

“Jeff’s there?”

“No. Just his voice. I look around, but there’s nobody on the beach. I go toward the kitten to see what’s the matter with him. Suddenly the hill starts to move, and a hand comes up out of the sand. The hand grabs the kitten, who is mewing even louder now. Suddenly, the sand blows away, and Jeff’s face appears. I yell at him to put the kitten down. He opens his hand, and the kitten is limp.
I’m sorry,
he says. That’s all I can remember.”

“How do you feel about the dream?”

“Very, very sad. And mad at Jeff.”

“Have you had any new memories about Alexander’s death?”

“Not really.”

“How about his illness?”

“I remember almost everything about that.”

“What?”

“I remember one night when the pain got so bad, we had to take him to the hospital. The nurses were giving him medication, but he was still squirming and crying out. I knew he was in pain. I kept asking them to give him something. Dr. Costello came in much later. I’m not sure why he took so long.

“When the doctor came in, he looked at Alexander, and then looked at his chart. He went to the nurses’ station. I could hear what he said.”

“What was that?”

“He was mad. Said Tylenol III was nothing. There was no excuse for the baby to be in pain …told them to get in there …give him a shot. After Alexander got that shot, he fell asleep.”