Adopted Parents (15 page)

She was, after all, his mother.

He should be able to tell her anything.

When Nate reached her room, he was relieved to see she was sitting up again today. He’d bought a bird feeder and placed it outside her window. She seemed to be watching the bright yellow finches sitting on the perches pecking at the seeds. At least, Nate liked to think she was enjoying watching the birds at her window.

“Hi, Mom,” he said, kissing the top of her head.

She looked at him briefly, then back at the feeder.

Nate positioned a chair next to her wheelchair and took hold of her hand. The routine had become so comfortable for him he saw no reason to change it.

He started the usual one-sided dialogue he exchanged with his mother, but he suddenly paused. Was that why he was having doubts about going through with the readoption? Had his daily routine become so comfortable for him that he saw no reason to change it?

“I’m confused, Mom. All those years I took care of you and David I told myself that when David grew up and when you got better, I’d never take care of anyone else again.

“I felt so cheated, Mom. I didn’t have the freedom other kids my age had. Sports were out of the question even though I was a damn good first baseman. And forget dating. You don’t ask a girl for a date and expect her to hang out at your house while you cook dinner and help your little brother with his homework. Did you know I was a virgin until I was twenty?

“It was the summer I won the Kodak amateur spot news photojournalism award. David was away at church camp. And Uncle John agreed to stay with you for the weekend while I went to New York for the award ceremony.

“I got a little drunk for the first time at the awards’ banquet. And it gave me the courage to hit on this brunette sitting at the same table. She was older than I was, maybe twenty-four or twenty-five. She definitely took pity on me in more ways than one.

“But, you know, taking care of David’s daughter has been a different experience for me. I’ve enjoyed it, spending time with her. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older. Or if having my freedom for so long has made it less important to me. Maybe I’ve enjoyed it so much because of how much I love Hallie.

“I know you don’t remember Hallie, Mom. But you’ve met her. She came with David and Janet. She’s mentioned coming with me, but I’m not ready for that yet. I think you and I need a little more alone time before I start bringing visitors.

“But you would like her. She’s smart and funny, and she’s so beautiful it’s hard for me to breathe sometimes when I look at her. But I guess what I like best about her is that she tells me exactly what she thinks. Like with the readoption. Hallie doesn’t have any doubts it’s in Ahn’s best interest to find her new parents.

“The funny thing is that I felt exactly the same way at first. It was crystal clear in my mind that the only right choice was to do what David and Janet asked us to do. For Ahn’s sake, I believed it was our duty to put her up for readoption.

“But now, the thought of anyone other than Hallie and me raising her is like a knife right through my heart. I keep wondering what will Ahn think if I’m not there to comfort her when she’s crying. Or will she wonder what happened to pizza night on Fridays and feeding the ducks every day? And after her bath when it’s time for stories, will her new father take time to let her climb into his lap and hold on to his two fingers while he reads the same book not once, but twice?

“This child has been through so much already. You can see it in her eyes when she looks at you. You can see her trying to decide if she should trust you or if you’re like everyone else who has disappeared on her. That’s why the thought of her being taken from the only real home she’s ever known and handed over to strangers seems unfathomable to me.

“Hallie says we need to love her enough to find her good parents, so we can be who we’re supposed to be to her. Her aunt and her uncle. But I’m not sure I can do that, Mom. If we go through with the readoption, it may have to be a clean break for me. Worse than me not having any contact with Ahn, would be the chance that every time I looked into her eyes there would always be that big question staring back at me. ‘Why did you give me away?’

“So, what do you think, Mom? Should I be selfish and keep Ahn regardless of what Hallie wants and regardless of what’s really best for Ahn? Or should I do what David asked me to do and find the best parents for his daughter?”

Nate wasn’t expecting an answer. It was talking things out that helped.

Worse, she’d had nothing but bad news all week. First, from Greg, letting them know that the adoption agency had exhausted their nationally linked applicant file and had no other couples who met their qualifications.

Second, Nate had dropped a bomb on Hallie after Ahn’s latest session with Deb. According to Deb, unless they were able to find adoptive parents for Ahn by her third birthday, she would strongly advise against the readoption. Apparently by age three, Ahn would reach a critical stage where another major life change could be so traumatic for her that she might suffer serious emotional issues for the rest of her life.

Ahn would turn three in February.

That left four short months to find new parents, and Hallie wasn’t stupid. The chance of that happening would be nothing short of a miracle.

Hallie glanced at Ahn, playing in the yard with Liz’s son. Liz had stopped by to return some of Janet’s silver serving pieces she’d borrowed for a dinner party and had stayed for a visit. They sat on the deck, sipping iced tea, while Ahn ordered Jacob around, giving him strict instructions about what he could and could not do with her toys.

Ahn had gone from not talking to talking nonstop. And boy, had she turned into a bossy little thing. Nate, of course, was wrapped around Ahn’s little finger. That meant Hallie had to be the disciplinarian—so
not
her favorite new role.

Time-out was employed at least once a day because Ahn was so stubborn and often refused to do what she was told. The second she’d served her sentence, she ran straight to Nate, her lip pooched out at Hallie for putting her there.

Hallie had vented to Roberta about the situation more than once. And Roberta always reminded her that the hardest part about being in a mother’s role was having to be the bad guy.

Given the current circumstances, it appeared Hallie was going to become Ahn’s mother whether that had been her intention or not. She and Nate had talked extensively after the session with Deb on Tuesday. Hallie had agreed that rather risk the chance of any permanent emotional damage to Ahn, who had already suffered so much, they would call off the readoption if they hadn’t found parents by her third birthday.

“Am I wrong, Hallie? Or are you a million miles away today?”

“Sorry, Liz. I guess I am.”

Liz looked at her thoughtfully. “Thinking about Janet?”

“Would you think I’m terrible if I told you I was thinking that I’d really like to be me again, instead of Janet?”

“I don’t think you’re terrible at all,” Liz said. “It has to be overwhelming stepping into your sister’s life like this. Taking care of her child. Living in her house. Driving her car.”

Hallie sighed. “Thank you so much for saying that. I needed someone to agree with me today that I have the right to mourn losing myself as well as losing Janet.”

“Still no new parents to interview?”

Hallie shook her head. “And I don’t expect there will be. We got word from the adoption agency that it doesn’t look promising. Plus Ahn’s psychologist told us if we didn’t find new parents by her third birthday, it would be in her best interest to call off the readoption. Otherwise we’d risk serious emotional damage from another drastic life change.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Do I think it’s best for Ahn if Nate and I raise her? No. But we both agree we’ll do what we have to do under the circumstances.”

“I wasn’t going to mention this, Hallie, but George’s new boss and his wife have decided to adopt. She told me at the dinner party last week.”

“And you like them?”

“Jen and Ben Harris are wonderful people.”

“And their names rhyme,” Hallie joked.

“I swear you’d like them, Hallie.”

Hallie really didn’t have any hope that these people would be interested in Ahn, but to humor Liz she said, “Okay. Tell me about them.”

“Well, like I said, Ben is George’s new boss—CEO for the Boston branch of Allied International Advertising. They transferred here from Los Angeles when Ben got his promotion. Jen isn’t working at the moment, but she’s a professional fundraiser, and in the past she’s worked for organizations like the Make-A-Wish Foundation and the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. And that’s really all I do know about them except that…” Liz paused for a second.

“Sorry, it makes me want to cry every time I think about this. Their first child and their second child were stillborn, Hallie. You can understand why they can’t go through that again.”

Hallie’s heart went out to the couple and she hadn’t even met them yet. “Why don’t I give you our attorney’s number before you leave and you can give it to them? If they’re interested, tell them to call Greg’s office and set up an interview with us.”

Liz beamed at that suggestion. “I would love to do that. For you, for Ahn and for Jen.”

“Pasta,” Ahn demanded from her high chair.

“Pasta, please,” Hallie corrected.

Ahn looked directly at Nate.

“Say please,” he instructed.

“Please,” Ahn said.

Hallie grabbed Ahn’s dish, and went to the kitchen for more pasta. But as she did, Nate leaned over and held his hand up.

Ahn slapped his palm with a loud high five.

Hallie frowned at him. “You know how much I hate that, Nate.”

“Oops,” he said, covering his mouth with his hand.

Ahn burst out laughing.

“No wonder I’m having trouble with her manners. You make a big game out of everything. And I’m sorry, but
please
should
not
be followed by a big high five.”

“We’re just having fun, Hallie,” he said. “Ease up. You’re beginning to sound like Roberta.”

Hallie felt the blood drain to her feet.

She turned away so she didn’t have to look at either of them. She leaned against the counter, reeling from what Nate had said. She
was
becoming like Roberta. And suddenly Hallie knew why.

Ahn treated Hallie exactly the way she’d treated Roberta when she’d lost her mother at such an early age. She’d been indifferent toward Roberta and completely defiant because she’d wanted her mother instead of the woman who had taken her place.

Hallie thought back to the one clear memory she did have of her mother. It was the last day Hallie had seen her alive. Roberta had taken her and Janet to the hospital, and her mother had managed to smile at them before she closed her eyes with a weary sigh. Hallie had been too young to understand that her mother would never open her eyes again.

She’d also been to young to understand why Roberta had rushed them into the waiting room and told them to color a nice picture with the crayons and paper she’d taken from Janet’s book bag. Hallie had finished her picture first, and when she’d run out into the hallway to show everyone, she remembered being angry because Roberta had her arms around her father.

“We never should have had children,” she’d heard her father say as he sobbed against Roberta’s shoulder.

“We’ll make the best of this, Joe,” Roberta assured him. “I promised Val I’d take care of all of you.”

In essence, Hallie had lost both of her parents that day. But she didn’t realize until now that she’d always blamed Roberta. And that sadly, because of her snotty attitude, Roberta had finally lost patience with her and stopped caring whether Hallie liked her or not.

That was exactly what was beginning to happen between Hallie and Ahn.

Hallie had just lost patience with Ahn over something as silly as a high five. That made her wonder if maybe she and Roberta would have had a better chance of developing a close relationship if Roberta hadn’t given up teaching to take care of her until Hallie was in third grade. Being together day in and day out had fostered more resentment between them. Hallie had refused to do anything Roberta said. And Roberta had been used to children doing
exactly
what she said.

Hallie would not let that happen to her and Ahn.

Nate had told her if they did end up keeping Ahn, she could go back to work and he would stay home until Ahn started school. Did he mean that?

He needed to get a clear idea of what he was signing up for. He’d always helped with Ahn, sure, but she’d been the primary caregiver from the beginning. Nate had always had the freedom to visit his mother when he wanted. Or work on his project when he wanted. Or basically do anything he wanted whenever he wanted.

Mr. Mom was about to get his chance to take over.