After the Fear (Young Adult Dystopian) (13 page)

‘I do believe you deserve a gift, or should I say loan?’ He chuckles and holds out an old, battered book. I examine the front cover.

‘Frankenstein,’ I read. It sounds familiar although I’m not sure why. I turn it over in my hands. I’ve never seen any other book in my life than the one of Red Ink. I heard that they were all destroyed part way through the Shepherds’ occupation. We can download approved material from our digipads, but physical books are too hard to keep track of, I think. They could fill our minds with all sorts of ideas, and before we know it we’d find ourselves in the Stadium, fighting a Demonstrator.

I almost chuckle at this thought. Well, I guess I’ve got nothing to lose now. I take it, grateful and mesmerised.

‘I mentioned it a few nights ago and thought to myself, what a shame it is that young Sola can’t read this. It’s a brilliant book. However, this stays between us, yes?’ Shepherd Fines raises his eyebrows, giving me a wink at the same time.

‘Of course. Thank you.’ I flick through the pages, smelling the rusty, almost paint-like scent which lives between the paper. Shepherd Fines claps his hands together and clicks his tongue.

‘Great stuff. Well, I’ll let you get back to your training, although—’ He looks around the room. ‘—you seem to have lost your partner.’ He makes a face like ‘oops’ before grinning and heading towards the door. I’m still turning
Frankenstein
over in my hands when he calls back to me.

‘Oh, and feel free to pop by my office to discuss anything about the book. I’ll be expecting you.’

It’s only been six days since then, and I’ve spent four of those evenings in Shepherd Fines’ office of adventure and spice. He is a little presumptuous, I’ll give him that, but underneath it I think he’s a nice person. We drink steaming Gekruide tea, talk about why Dr. Frankenstein made his monster, and after I ask, he even shows me where we are on one of his maps.

‘I didn’t even know we were in Ireland,’ I say, tracing my finger around the small outline. There are only four cities in Ireland—Zulu, Victor, Whiskey, and Yankee. They sit on the map like dots; if I connected them, I would get a perfect square.

‘Well, we’re not. We’re in Zulu.’ He laughs and waggles his finger at me as if he’s telling off a naughty child.

‘Oh yeah, of course . . . but between you and me, it’s Ireland right?’ I check. Shepherd Fines seems taken back by this. He surveys me for a minute, then smiles. It’s not one of his trying-to-charm smiles, but a real, cheek-dimpled one.

‘Well, between you and me, have a look at
this
map.’ He darts behind his desk and retrieves a large, rolled up scroll from a drawer. He unravels it on the table and the stacks of paper underneath make a bumpy surface, causing the map to rise and fold like mountains. He places his glass of tea on one end of the paper to secure it.

I inch closer. I sense Shepherd Fines grinning, looking from me to the map.

It’s funny looking, the landscape stretched into an oval, and for a moment I think it’s a giant pod, but then I think it’s more like looking through a camera lens. Realisation blooms, and I inhale slowly, careful that a large breath could blow the paper away.

It’s a map of the world.

Not Juliet, Not Ireland, but the whole, amazing world.

I run my eyes over the picture for England. There’s a large shape towards the bottom which takes up about a third of the map. I point.

‘Is this England?’

Shepherd Fines tries to stifle a laugh. Then he places his hand over mine, guides it about three inches east. I’m left pointing at a small reversed L-shaped dot on the paper.

‘Try there,’ he says.

The shape is so small that the cities are represented by mere speckles of ink. I look back up to him to see if he’s joking. He’s not. In fact, his smile is gone, replaced by an intense stare. His gaze darts down, and I follow suit. That’s when I’m aware his hand still covers mine.

I jerk my arm away and bring it up to my neck in a pretty terrible attempt at disguising the action.

‘I can’t believe we’re so tiny,’ I say to fill the silence. Shepherd Fines doesn’t look up, but clicks his tongue once. I’m not really sure what’s just happened. Did I over-react? Is that why I’ve offended him? He probably thinks I’m some stupid girl who assumes everyone is coming on to her because they try to be nice. So why was he looking at my hand like that?

My tongue grapples around in my mouth for something to say.

‘So there must be millions of Stadiums around the world then?’

He looks up, his eyes hard around the edges. It lasts scarcely a second before his grin is back and he claps his hands together.

‘Right, that’s about enough of that!’ He begins to roll the map away. ‘So, why do you believe the monster acts the way he does?’ he asks. It takes me a moment to catch on that he’s talking about
Frankenstein
. I launch into my theory, settling back down on the couch and glad of the distraction. I take another sip of my tea, but it has gone cold.

TODAY IS THE FIRST without training in four weeks. Every Demonstrator has the day off.

It takes me about three seconds after I step out of my pod shaft to find out why.

Tryouts.

The word is whispered, spoken and shouted through the camp. There’s a buzz in the air, like the kind heard crackling in an electrical wire.

Even the Herd officers look more alert than usual, as if when we’re not training we’re more hassle. It strikes me that they probably know they’re more of a placebo than a real policing force. I mean, how much damage could they do against nearly a hundred trained killers? Once they ran out of ammo, what then?

I smile at the thought.

‘Come on, I’m starving,’ Alixis says. ‘So, what did you get up to with Shepherd Fines last night?’

My defences rise. I’m starving after lying in until 10am and really not in the mood for her jibes.

‘We just talked,’ I mutter.

‘He’s too old for you.’

‘I don’t think of him that way, okay?’ I stop still. She walks one pace in front before swinging around, her tongue in her cheek so that it looks like she’s sucking on a lolly.

‘And how does
he
think of
you
?’

I open my mouth to protest, before remembering the hand-on-map incident.

‘Leave it,’ I say.

‘I hope you know what you’re doing, that’s all,’ she replies, and smiles as if it’s all sorted. Her arm drops onto my shoulders. ‘Oh look, there’s Dylan. Dylan!’ She shouts over the tarmac to him. My insides freeze. I take a sharp breath.

‘Oops, sorry, I forgot you two weren’t talking,’ she says with a devilish grin.

I don’t even have time to hiss
yeah right
before Dylan strides over. I consider ducking away like I usually do, but on a day like today, when people will soon be fighting to survive, it seems a bit childish. So I mess around on my digipad for a bit while wondering what I can say to him. There’s no point pretending everything’s okay when we haven’t spoken in almost three weeks, but how can I acknowledge it?

‘Hey, Alixis.’ His voice is as low and magical as I remember. His accent comes through even in one word. My eyes flicker up involuntarily.

‘Hi, Sola.’

Oh. Wow. My name in his mouth sounds so delicious that I can’t help but take a broken breath.

I give him a half-smile and look away, feeling Alixis withdraw her arm. Then with about the subtlety of a propaganda advert, those two start a silent conversation beside me; I can see Alixis jabbing her head towards me even with my eyes cast downward.

Sure enough, when I glance up, I catch Alixis with eyes as round as coins and Dylan shaking his head pointedly at her. He sees me looking, and takes a deep breath.

‘Look, there’s something I really need to tell you—’

‘Sola!’ A cheery voice shouts behind me, and I could kiss Shepherd Fines for interrupting us. I wave a little too enthusiastically, ignoring Alixis’ groan. I know my unhealthy obsession with Dylan is probably making me imagine his relationship with Alixis, but I’m still worried he was about to break their ‘good news’ to me. I don’t want to hear that, not today.

‘My darling, I have the date of your first Demonstration!’

Shepherd Fines beams at me. The words hit home, jarring in my mind like metal clanging together. Date. Demonstration. Me.

‘Are you all right?’ Dylan’s gentle voice is next to me. There’s a soft touch on my arm, but it’s gone as fast as it came.

‘She’s fine, of course. This is what she wants! Gideon recommended her as ready.’ Shepherd Fines claps a hand on my shoulder. I can’t bring myself to react. I just stand still, letting everyone talk around me.

‘Have you got my date?’ Alixis now. Her voice hopeful.

‘No, you haven’t been recommended. I’m sure it’s merely a matter of time. Anyway, don’t you wish to know when the big day is?’

His question pierces through the fog which clouds my mind. I shake my head, look up.

‘Um. No. I mean Yes. Yeah, tell me when it is.’

‘Six days’ time. November 5th. It’s in city Yankee against three criminals already detained. I could get some details on them for you if you wish?’

‘No! Please, I don’t want to know anything about them.’ They’re not people. They’re not even criminals. They’re only in between me and getting back home. I try to cast everything I’ve ever heard about those from Yankee away from my mind.

‘Very well. The first three Demonstrations are on this island.’ He gives me a sly grin, alluding to our insider knowledge that we are in fact, in Ireland. ‘So you’ll have a short journey. Anyway, you enjoy your day off with your—’ He looks around. ‘Oh, I seem to have scared away your friends. Well, I’ll be in my office if you need me—or even if you don’t!’ He chuckles to himself, before giving me a tongue click and turning away.

Six days.

In six days’ time, I have to fight for my life, again. The reality hits me like a defibrillator, sending shockwaves through my body. I would give everything I have right now for a hug from Mum. But I learnt a long time ago that that isn’t going to happen. So I take a deep breath and ball my hands into fists.

Shepherd Fines was right; Alixis and Dylan have disappeared. I stand, surrounded by excited Demonstrators on the tarmac, totally alone.

THE TRYOUTS aren’t until the evening so I spend the afternoon hiding underneath the large oak tree way out past the field. After trying and failing to find William on Debtbook—I can’t remember his second name or even what city he’s from—I cast my digipad aside and settle back into
Frankenstein
. It takes a while, but eventually I stop reading the same line over and over and allow myself to be carried by the book.

It’s strange really, that Shepherd Fines would have something like this. A book full of fear and needing and retribution. He’s not at all like the Shepherds I imagined. He’s real. Not an infallible force which controls all our movements and decisions. Best of all, he’s nothing like Mr Winters, who I guess I had inadvertently based my whole opinion of the Shepherds on while I was growing up.

With a shudder, I realise evening has snuck up on me. Goose pimples steal underneath my T-shirt and travel up my arms, making my blonde hairs stand on end like grass reaching for the sun. I glance up and breathe in the crisp grey air. Even from this far out, I hear shouts and laughter drifting over from the playground.

The tryouts must be about to start.

Here goes. I slap my book shut. The grass is so cold it seeps through my pumps. I can’t believe it was over a whole month ago that I was standing on those sands. I wonder if the two groups are waking up in that room right now, or if they’re already choosing their weapons. How many of them will die?

Right now, all I really want is to cry and run to my pod where I can hide all night. However, I know I have to take a seat opposite that blank screen which has once again twisted from Shepherd Fines’ office. Dylan was right in the Medic’s Cabin those weeks ago. If I’m going to faint each time I hear the gates . . . well, I need to know.

I manage to find a couple of empty seats right at the back of the layout. As soon as I sit down, Dylan appears from the stream of Demonstrators and does what I’m least expecting in the whole world: he lowers himself into the seat next to me.