After the Fear (Young Adult Dystopian) (25 page)

SIX FISH-AND-CREAM ROLLS LATER, and I’m standing by the snacks table, loading anything I can into my mouth. I’ve never tasted food this rich. Something tells me it’s probably not a good idea considering my next Demonstration could be any day now, but it occupies my time so I don’t have to think about Dylan. Or face him. Or try and fathom out what is really going on with us. Reaching for a pastry jam-packed with some spicy vegetables, I hear Shepherd Fines call me over. My eyes narrow at the pastry, sending it a message of
we have unfinished business
, before I catch myself. This place is doing weird things to my head.

Shepherd Fines stands with two women I’ve seen around the camp. The shorter, older-looking woman leans in to Shepherd Fines, nodding while he speaks. When I approach I swear her face tightens.

‘Oh, Sola, how good of you to join us.’ Shepherd Fines sounds as if he’s forgotten he
just
beckoned me over. I give him and the girls a half-hearted smile, my mind still lingering on the food only paces away.

‘You have some cheese on your face.’ The po-faced short woman tells me without actually indicating to where it is. I wipe my jaw with my arm as Shepherd Fines chortles.

‘Kofi has asked me for some tips on her next Demonstration, but as you know, I like to leave that to you professionals!’ He raises his eyebrows as though we’re all in on some private joke. ‘Have you got any advice for her?’ he asks me. It’s quite clear from Kofi’s face she wasn’t hoping for this. To me, it’s hilarious that girls fawn over Shepherd Fines. I’m so used to dismissing him as a pest that I overlook how good-looking he is, how most people would find the mix of power and good cheer attractive.

‘Well, I’m actually further into my tour than you are so don’t worry about it.’ Kofi dismisses me with a flick of her hand and a quick smile. Her voice is pleasant enough, so I shrug and look around, trying to find an excuse to leave.

Straight away, someone touches the curve of my back. In this dress, their touch is silky, like their hand might slide off accidentally. Although he’s standing right next to me, I’m surprised to find the touch belongs to Shepherd Fines. He leans down to my sight level.

‘Are you looking at the lamps?’ he asks, and his voice is smiling. ‘They’re designed from the ones you’ve admired in my office.’

I nod. Around the tarmac, various free-standing lamps have been erected. They dangle from their hooks, large colourful orbs decorated with copper wiring.

‘They’re the ones from Egypt, right? When you wound up in a brothel instead of visiting the leader there?’ I laugh, referring to a story he told me the other night.

‘You know full well that was an accident! Anyhow, I refuse to believe you’ve never been to Egypt. I’m sure I saw you there.’ He laughs at his own joke and so do I. I’m surprised to find that I’m not putting it on. Kofi and her trainer have turned into one another, excluded from our you-had-to-be-there conversation.

Shepherd Fines straightens up but keeps his hand on my back. It weighs heavily, making me feel safe yet like I’m on a leash all at once. When a faint knocking sound distracts us, I turn to it, stepping away from Shepherd Fines’ hand. What I turn to isn’t much better.

Coral stands on a chair in front of the screen, tapping her glass with the edge of a plastic practice dagger. It makes a hollow noise, like breathing down a tube. Shepherd Fines lets out a ‘hmm’ to himself as he regards the situation, yet when people peer at him with questions in their eyes, he smiles and nods as though this was all part of his plan.

‘Hello everyone.’ Coral runs her eyes over the crowd, letting them take in the sight of her. She stands in a one-shouldered paper-white gown while that red hair cascades down her back in sweeping curls.

‘I wanted to raise a toast. To all of us. For fighting so hard to pay back our Debt.’ The sight of her beaming so radiantly seems to enrapture most of the people here. They nod and murmur their assent, raising their glasses. I accidentally catch Coral’s eye.

‘Oh, and to Sola Herrington, because we might not be having this party if it wasn’t for her.’ She raises her glass to me, and for anyone watching it would seem genuine. I nod stiffly in return, the small space between me and Shepherd Fines pressing in on me like an accusation.

‘Finally, to Alixis Spires. Sola informed me of your good news.’

What? There’s a familiar sense of panic. Alixis looks to me, her expression sending waves of fright down my body.

I step forwards, having no idea what I’m planning.

‘How many months are you? Judging by your belly I’d say four.’ Coral smiles. The whole world stops.

Alixis stares, lips parted, one hand on her stomach. As if she can’t take in what’s just happened. Like if she doesn’t move, she can pretend nothing was ever said, no one heard anything.

I don’t have that luxury. Shepherd Fines brings his glass down, his expression darkening as he scrutinises the crowd.

As if to sweep away any doubt,—and I hate her, I
hate
her—Coral adds, ‘I’m sorry Alixis, did you want to tell everyone yourself that you were pregnant?’

People turn, some gawping, some eying Alixis conspiratorially. Within seconds, a gap has opened around her and Dylan. I need to help, but I’m frozen. Caught between wanting to attack Coral and comfort Alixis. What can I do to make it all right?

A nod from Shepherd Fines causes a Herd officer to appear from nowhere. He follows Shepherd Fines through the crowd and when they reach Alixis, the officer indicates for her to follow. It’s not a request.

All anyone can do is watch as they walk solemnly up the stairs and disappear into Shepherd Fines’ office.

Coral raises her glass. ‘Cheers, everybody!’

I’M RUNNING ON HOT RED RAGE when I catch up with Coral moments before she reaches her pod shaft.

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I shout, not caring who hears.

She turns to look at me, rolling her eyes before continuing to her pod shaft. ‘Calm down, Sola. There’s no need to get so excited.’

‘Why would you do that? How did you even know?’ I let the words pour out. I can’t help it.

‘I guessed ages ago. I was trying to help her, and today, she threw it back in my face.’ She speaks over her shoulder.

‘So you can’t handle it that one person doesn’t want to be your friend?’

A lamp near me flickers, reminding me of getting caught in an electrical storm. Coral swings around like a threatened spider.

‘Sola, everyone wants to be my friend. Even you.’ She laughs, her delicate shoulders quivering. ‘It’s true, isn’t it? Despite everything, you’re still obsessed with me. It’s a shame that I find looking at you disgusting.’ She bites her lip and shrugs in a way that says ‘oops’.

Her comment washes through me. It’s as though I’m reeling backward, but my feet are stuck to the ground.

‘Is this all because I kissed some boy?’ I whisper, despising that she can see how much I care.

‘Oh, honey.’ She puts on a high, soprano voice. ‘I was only jumping on the trampoline—like we used to.’

I recognise the parody of my own words. It was when I was apologising to her, when I thought all of this was behind us.

‘No, Sola, it’s not what you’ve
done
, just who you
are
.’ She spreads her hands out, gesturing to me. I fight the shame that threatens to take over. ‘The moment you kissed Dylan, I realised you are
exactly
like your mother.’

‘What?’

‘Well, maybe not exactly,’ she says, looking into the air as if she were remembering my mum. ‘She was prettier than you, but you’re both harlots.’

Red blotches creep into my vision. I have an overwhelming sensation of despair, which, combined with my rage, reminds me of being in the Stadium. That creature seems to wake from within. I don’t know who would win in a fight, but I’m willing to take my chances if she says one more thing about Mum.

‘We’re not harlots,’ I say, barely moving my mouth. ‘I’d never even kissed anyone before Dylan.’ It takes me a second after I’ve said it to realise I’m actually defending myself to her. How does she do this to me? How do I still care what she thinks?

‘Sweetheart, that doesn’t surprise me. Yet, now you’re giving it out to both Dylan and Shepherd Fines. I guess it’s not your fault. Adultery is in your blood.’ She gives me a patronising smile, but I can see from her tensed body that she’s ready for me if I pounce.

‘What are you talking about?’ My voice cracks. I’m on the edge of something and suddenly I don’t want to fall. I need to run back, retrace my steps. Curl up into someone’s lap and refuse to hear the words I’ve just asked for.

Coral stares at me for a moment, her facade falling as she tries to read my face. She shakes her head incredulously, her features crumpled up in revulsion.

‘You honestly don’t know?’ Her tone is flat, disappointed. ‘You’re like a child.’

When I don’t reply, she sighs, not even ready to fight anymore.

‘Your mother seduced my father for over ten years. Why do you think we always had to play together when she came around? What did you think they were doing?’ She has her head tilted back, exposing her neck to me. I could kill her right now. Get it all over with.

Her words won’t sink in. It’s all lies. She’s tricking me like a fighter feigns an attack or a weakness. She’s luring me in.

The red blotches close in on me. It’s as if I’m on the big screen and someone has pressed pause. The creature is frozen inside me too, unknowing whether to take over and attack, or to lie still.

I try to assemble ‘they were just friends’ but nothing solidifies in my mouth. Instead, what comes out is tiny and doesn’t belong to me.

‘My dad?’

‘Yes. He knew.’

‘Your mum?’

‘Yes.’

I nod. Unable to stop the pictures which invade my mind: her waiting with Mr Winters outside school; Mum and me getting on the rail to Coral’s; asking whether her makeup’s okay before we knock on their door. Over ten years. That was longer than I knew her for.
Did
I even know her?

Coral scans into her shaft. Everything’s racing. As I watch her, the link that joins us solidifies in my mind. We’re tied together whether we like it or not. No wonder I could never let her go.

‘Coral,’ I call, covering the metres of tarmac between us. ‘You might be my sister.’

I’m not even sure I’ve said the last bit aloud until she turns, spinning slowly. Her cheeks are sucked in as she glowers darkly. In that second, I can hardly believe how ugly she is.

My comment isn’t new to her.

‘You are no relation of mine, Sola Herrington.’

She blows me a lacquered-fingered kiss, just like the one in the refectory a week ago, and strides into the pod shaft. All I see is the ragged rope that runs from her to me, understanding but not understanding at all.

ONCE AGAIN, I spend hours sitting alone underneath the oak tree. Eventually, night swallows the camp whole, and the cold gets too much to bear in my flimsy dress.

I hate Coral more than I thought I could. The picture of my perfect family has been smashed and Mum’s not even around to defend herself. Don’t people say that once the seed of doubt has been sown, you can convince yourself of anything? That’s why you should never diagnose yourself, why everyone’s innocent unless proven guilty.

Well, that’s what I’m doing now. Re-evaluating every memory of Mum, of her and Dad. Of Mr Winters. As I tread back to my pod, I shudder at the thought of Mr Winters being my father. I imagine every patch of grass is his face, which I stomp with my dainty black shoes.

Alixis is sitting on her bunk when I scan in. She mirrors her pose from when I returned from my first Demonstration. Except this time, she isn’t praying. Her eyes are dry and empty. She doesn’t react when I sit next to her.

I try to find some perfect words—that magic sentence which will make Alixis and her baby okay, my mum’s memory whole again, and me back at home with Dad. But there isn’t one. Instead, I twine my arm around my best friend’s. We sit like that for a while, staring at the pod’s side, watching the cleaners work into the night to dismantle the party remnants on the playground.

‘It’s a boy.’ Alixis breaks the silence, causing me to start. ‘They made me take an ultrasound.’