Again (11 page)

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“Look at that, Catherine.”
 
He stopped to look out over the ocean. “What a sight she is!”

Catherine looked at the man before her.
 
Standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, the breeze played with his shirt and whisked strands of his hair across his face.
 
She reluctantly dragged her eyes from him to follow the direction of his gaze. The sapphire waters stretched forever with sparkling drops of diamonds dancing on the surface.
 
In silence, they watched the gulls floating effortlessly in disorganized patterns, squawking to one another, searching for anything to feed upon.
 
Farther out, a sea lion rolled lazily in the waves, diving under the water only to appear a short time later.

She had never thought much about the ocean before, knowing it only as a border to her father’s land, a watery pathway upon which the ships came to port.  She looked now at the vastness of it, the emptiness, and the loneliness, and wondered. 

“What is it like to sail so far from land?” she asked.

Jonathan smiled broadly.
 
“It is like being cradled in a mother’s arms. You must trust you will not be dropped and that you will be carried to your destination without harm.”
 
He pointed towards the horizon. “Out there, beyond the comfort of the land, away from the ground’s sure footing, one must learn to trust and believe.
 
You learn to depend on one another.”
 
His eyes lingered on the horizon for a moment before turning to Catherine. “It makes for a beautiful union.”

The vastness of the ocean all at once disturbed Catherine, making her long for the sanctuary and security of the castle.  The waters far beyond seemed only too capable of swallowing one’s mind and all the memories, replacing it with emptiness.  The thought of being so isolated and so far from home sent a chill through her.

“Do you ever get lonely when you sail?”
 
Catherine turned abruptly to Jonathan.

“Lonely?”  He laughed and the air came to life with the sound.  “Ah, milady, hardly! There are too many of us aboard the ship to be lonely.
 
We fight, work, laugh, and most of the time we are in each other’s way.”

She frowned.
 
It was strange.
 
He made it sound as though there was no distinction of status between him, the master of the ship, and the crew.
 
Her own castle bustled with maidservants, cooks, stable boys, the steward, but they were there to serve Catherine’s family, not to offer companionship.

“Yes, but the crew…they are your servants, are they not?”

The smile faded when he looked at her. “No, Catherine.
 
They are not my servants.
 
Each man came to me out of need, but stayed out of loyalty.
 
They are free to go, but they have chosen to stay. That makes them like family.”

Catherine thought about Emelie.  She was one household member she could depend on, who actually seemed to be loyal to her, but was their relationship akin to friendship or merely based on duty?

She searched Jonathan’s face, still so intent on studying her.  She expected to see impatience or pity or indifference, anything other than what she saw.
 

His eyes were soft, moving over her face as if to memorize it.
 
They held so much patience and acceptance.
 
He seemed to understand the thoughts with which she was struggling.

“We, them, us,” he shrugged.
 
“It makes no difference.
 
We are all the same.”  He touched his palm to hers and held her still with his gaze.
 
“See?  Fingers, skin, blood running through our veins.
 
The same.”

Time stopped for Catherine as she surrendered herself to her feelings.
 
Her hand seemed to melt together with his, skin on skin, blending as one.
 
His hands, though calloused, felt so soft against her delicate fingers.
 
She looked at the man whose mere touch caused her belly to flutter and her knees to weaken.
 
His lips were so perfect, so sensual.
 
How did she not notice before the long lashes that softened his eyes and the laughter that danced within?
 
Under the caress of his gaze, she felt vulnerable…beautiful…perfect.

Lacing his fingers in hers, he drew her hand to his lips.  Her mouth suddenly became dry and she could scarcely breathe as she watched him kiss each finger slowly, deliberately.  A flutter stormed in her belly.
 
She gasped helplessly.

“Servant or nobility…we all feel the same emotions.
 
Fear, anger… passion.”  His eyes turned curious.
 
“Tell me, Lady Catherine, what is it that you feel?  What makes you happy?”

She was lost.
 
Somehow, somewhere along this path, she had strayed.
 
The world around her had disappeared and she was standing alone, lost in his eyes, her body ablaze with sensations she had never felt before.  She was slipping out of control.
 
She wanted more, of what she could not be sure, but she knew he would give it to her for the asking.  It was dangerously easy to forget who she was when he stood so near.

Closing her eyes, Catherine tried to shut him out, shut out everything about him, everything he made her feel.  She focused on the sound of the waves upon the sand. 
Breathe, breathe
.  The tingling subsided and her body cooled in the breeze.  Steady once again, she opened her eyes.

“What do I feel?”
 
Her words were clipped.
 
“Nothing at the moment, but the need to walk.”  She pulled her hand away and turned abruptly.  Breaking contact with him eased the sensations consuming her.  “As far as what makes me happy,” she said over her shoulder, “I enjoy visiting the port and discovering the trinkets you merchants bring.”

Jonathan threw his head back and laughed.
 
“Of course, milady!
 
As do most women!”

She smiled in spite of herself.   Jonathan’s laugh was infectious.  Her smile tugged harder at the corners of her mouth until she could no longer restrain herself and laughter spilled fourth.  This joyous sound of her own laughter was so foreign to her.  How long has it been since she heard it?  She knew it had been a very long time.
 
Her hand rose to stifle herself, but Jonathan stopped her, taking her hand in his.

“No.  Please do not stop.  You are so beautiful when you laugh.”

But her laughter faded and was carried away by the ocean breeze.
 
This time when Jonathan held her gaze, she didn’t fall into the depths of his eyes, but peered into the amber pools, savoring the beauty, searching for what secrets might lie beneath.  But there were no secrets.
 
He made no attempt to hide anything from her.

A bit embarrassed to stare so long, she turned and looked out to the water, watching the gulls fly to and fro.  The ease with which he gave, his compassion for others, made her feel wholly inadequate.
 
Her station alone granted her privileges that she readily took.
 
She knew no other way.
 
And until now it had not mattered.
 

“Do you think me spoiled, Master Jonathan?” she asked hesitantly.

He was silent as he pondered her question.
 
“What I think does not matter, milady.”  He stood beside her, a comfortable silence settling between them as he, too, watched the antics of the gulls.
 
“We choose who we want to be.  What matters is if we are true to ourselves and to our hearts.”

But for her, it
did
matter what others thought.  The ocean breeze brushed across her face, softening the frown that brought her brows together.  “That may not always be possible.  There are other things, other people to consider.
 
If we are solely true to our hearts,
that
might be considered selfish.”

Gently, he took her hand and placed it over his heart. 

Her breath quickened at the feel of his firm chest beneath her palm.
 

“True happiness flows from the heart’s desire, not from bending to the will and expectations of others.”  He brushed away the tendril of hair that had found its way across her face.
 
“To deny others the right to bask in the light of your happiness,
that
is selfish.”

To be sure he speaks the truth, Catherine thought, for the happiness that surrounds him is akin to an elixir to her.
 
When he is near, every part of her is intoxicated.
  
No, he could not deny her that happiness, for that would, indeed, brand him as selfish.

At this moment, her desires battled with her sense of responsibility to Galen.
 
“But if we do not consider others in our decisions, their unhappiness is inevitable.”

A knowing smile played upon his lips.  “Their unhappiness is only because we are not fulfilling their own desires.  Is
that
not selfish?”  He released her hand and sighed.  “We cannot possibly be responsible for the happiness of everyone, milady.”

She shook her head to clear her thoughts.
 
Nay, this whimsical fancy of being true to her heart was just not possible.  How could she not think of Galen?  She could not deny his devotion to her these ten years past and she certainly could not bear to break his heart.  Galen’s love for her, his need for her, was there in his every expression.  Still, she could not deny her own growing desire for Jonathan.  Her fists clenched in frustration.  What was she thinking?  She was a lady and he was a merchant.
 
Besides, even if their stations in life did not prevent them from a union, did Jonathan not have a woman waiting for his return?

Catherine’s sudden twinge of jealously surprised her.  “And what of your wife?
 
No doubt your wife shares your passion for sailing?”
 
The words spilled out before she could think. 

His brows rose in surprise. “I have no wife.”

“I do not understand.  If you are not married...but you told the women in the village...then who...?”  Catherine blushed as the words died on her lips.  Her boldness shocked her, but she needed to know.
 

He gave her an impish smile.
 
“I merely informed the woman that my lips are for someone
other than her
.
”

Catherine had not realized she was holding her breath until relief washed it from her lungs.  She knew not why it mattered so much to her if he had a woman.  She had no right to know and had no reason to know.  Her life has already been chosen for her.  Their paths may have crossed now, but surely they will part once again when Jonathan sets sail.  She looked away, afraid her face would reveal her disappointment.

His hand gently captured her chin and turned her face to him.  “Perhaps now I
have
found that someone.”

God help me, she thought.  The urge to close the gap between them and to feel his lips upon hers threatened to overtake her.  She was sorely inexperienced in matters of the heart and body, and her head fought to reason with her.  This was a man, beneath her station, a merchant no less!  Hardly a suitable match for her.

He leaned closer and lightly brushed his lips against hers, his breath so sweet it took hers away.
 
“Come, milady.  Emelie must be wondering where I have taken you.”  He turned and led the way to the village.

She stood there in shocked silence.  His contact with her was so gentle, so quick.
 
The only telltale sign that he kissed her was the slight tingling that lingered on her mouth.

Catherine gathered her skirt and hurried her steps to catch up, watching the way his hair draped over his broad shoulders and the way the muscles in his legs tightened and relaxed with each step he took. 
Oh!
 
Why do I keep doing that?
 
I am no better than the women in the village.
 
She closed her eyes for a moment to shut out the desire that refused to go away.  She tried instead to see Galen by her side, and as she did, her shoe caught on a rock in the path. 

“Oh!” she cried.

Jonathan was instantly there, his strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her from falling.
 
He lifted her up and held her against his chest.  Concerned etched his face, now mere inches away from her own. 

“Are you hurt, milady?”

His lips were so close…and so inviting.  She lowered her eyes only to find herself taken in by the smooth skin of his chest, the way the muscles blended with those of his strong neck.  She straightened herself and stepped back, smoothing down her dress.

“Only my pride, Master Jonathan.”
 
She set her chin stoically.  “I thank you for saving me from making a fool of myself.
”

His hands stayed firmly on her waist.  “You, Lady Catherine, are anything but a fool.”  His face grew stern for a moment before breaking into a smile.  “Shall we?” With a sweeping bow, he invited her to walk before him.