Against The Wall (23 page)

Ryan looked over her now clothed body, shaking his head as if he couldn’t actually believe what he was seeing. “And you’re just going to walk outta here?” he growled accusingly, giving her a small shake. “You’re just going to fucking walk out on me?”

Shea took a sharp breath, wondering why he was so angry when this was the way he’d wanted it. And what was he talking about? Just how much more did he want? “Uh, you’re the one who’s been holding out on me, Ryan. You’ve never once said anything to make me believe you wanted more than this.”

Her whispered words had him looking meaner than hell. “Yeah, well, you haven’t exactly been pouring out your heart either, have you?”

“Ohhh, you thickheaded jerk! What do you think I was trying to tell you that first night?” Shea felt her own anger and hurt rising, helping her to stand a little straighter, her mouth trembling into a flat frown. “You didn’t want to hear it then! Why in the hell should I have thought you’d want to hear it now?”

Ryan let go of her and moved away, running his fingers through his thick hair in a rough, agitated motion, splattering water over his wide shoulders. “I thought that was just the—you know, the sex talking.”

Her look said she wasn’t buying it.

“Hell,” he added, finally getting around to ripping his wet T-shirt off over his still wet head of hair. “I was in too much of a hurry to get back to you today to even wait for the damn rain to let up. That’s how fucking nuts you make me. And you can sure as hell bet that if I’d thought you were serious about what you were saying that night, I would’ve fucking listened!”

Suddenly her head felt light and her heart began to beat with the rapid rhythm of a hummingbird’s wings. Any second now it was going to take flight right through the wall of her chest.

“Why didn’t you just ask me?” she whispered in a breathless rush, as if she had to work for her voice. Then her eyes narrowed, pinning him in place. “Why didn’t you—why didn’t you say something? You’ve had plenty of time to say something—anything, Ryan!”

He still looked pissed, but a bit of the tension seemed to ease from his shoulders. There was the barest hint of color to his stubble-covered cheeks. “Because I didn’t…didn’t know how to say it, damn it! And I’ve been too damn busy fucking you to figure it out!”

“Oh,” she mumbled awkwardly, finding it amazing that she could still blush after everything they’d done together. Everything she’d just done to him.

Ryan watched her, wanting to pick her up in his arms and carry her back to the bed behind him, lay her across it, and keep her there forever. He knew exactly what he wanted—what he’d wanted all along, from the very beginning, but had been running from out of fear. What he’d wanted from the start, when he’d still been such a dumb-ass, trying to convince himself he wasn’t ready yet, that he needed to move slow, needed time.

Needed time like hell, he thought with a low curse. What he needed was her sweet little ass in his bed, in his home, in his life, for the rest of his damn days.

He hadn’t trusted himself. Hadn’t trusted his ability to handle everything she made him feel. But maybe that was okay. Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be. Shea made him feel like a raging, bursting mass of emotion, an uncontrollable force of energy and life. Who the hell could be expected to control that? Maybe the right answer was the simplest of all—to just give himself over to it and hold on tight to her with everything he was and would ever be.

The silence stretched between them, rife with tension. Shifting from foot to foot, Shea finally asked, “Well then, what do you want, Ryan?”

All he had to give her was one word, filled with meaning. “You.”

It was the hardest thing she’d ever done not to run to him and throw herself into his arms. She wanted it all, everything about him, but she needed to know that she was more than just a passing diversion, a fun time between the sheets. She needed to know if he felt anything for her, if there was any hope for their future, or if her heart was going be shattered into a million irreparable pieces in the end.

Shea believed she was a strong woman, but this beautiful man was her soft spot. He alone held the power to break her, and though she knew she could survive without him, she was honest enough with herself to know she didn’t want to. Didn’t even want to try.

And she was smart enough to know that loving Ryan with everything she was didn’t make her weak. Soft, yes…even vulnerable, but it didn’t make her less of a woman. No—it made her strong—a friggin’ Amazon, and she was going to be woman enough to hold him forever. “If you ever fucked around on me, I’d make you the sorriest bastard alive. I don’t share, not even once. I’m not like all those other women you’ve known, Ry. What’s mine, stays mine.”

His mouth twisted as if he’d smile, and then he sobered. “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t want you to. I like the thought of you holding on to me as tight and strong as I’ll be holding on to you. I plan on being a fucking pit bull where you’re concerned.”

Her head tilted to the side, big eyes studying him to the point where he felt the uncomfortable, childish need to squirm. “But you said it was just fucking.”

“That was just my dumb-ass pride and fear talking, baby. It was a lie,” he explained in a low voice, moving closer to her. “What we have is so much more than that, Shea.”

“More how?” she asked, her eyes so mesmerizing, he thought he could get lost in them.

“What we’ve done has been the rawest, hardest, most incredible sex I’ve ever had,” he told her with a small smile, “but it’s more than that too. It’s…hell…it’s—”

As Ryan struggled for the right words, he turned his back on her. His posture remained rigid while he breathed in a jagged rhythm, as if at war with himself over what he’d say.

Finally, he walked to the window and leaned his forehead against the cool glass to stare sightlessly out at the rain-soaked gray of the sky. He didn’t see the fat black clouds ready to break open again and unleash their fury, didn’t see the gusts of wind that whipped the leaves to and fro, ripping them from their branches.

All he saw was Shea, as if her image had been burned into the back of his eyes. Open or closed, she was always there, just as she’d been since that first time he’d seen her. The only difference now was that he knew exactly how incredible it felt to hold her in his arms, to sink into her sweet little body, to sleep cradled against her womb, their bodies sealed against one another throughout the long night.

For the first time in his life, Ryan knew exactly what he wanted. “What we’ve, uh, done, it’s—”

He faltered again and cleared his throat, choking on emotion. He felt terrified and stupid and somehow like the luckiest bastard alive all at once. What if she told him to get lost? Why was he having such a hell of a time getting what was in his heart out in the open? And what if what Hannah had said was right and Shea loved him too?

Oh, God, he prayed. Please, please let her be right.

“It’s making love, Shea. It may be rough and raunchy, but there’s a hell of a lot more underneath it. I love you, damn it!” he said in a coarse, gruff rush, all but growling the declaration. “God knows I tried not to, but—”

Her voice came fast and small, like a whisper of sound. “Why?”

When he turned to face her, she thought he looked like he either wanted to put his fist through the wall or shoot something. “Fuck, Shea. Just look at us,” he groaned, his beautiful voice achingly rough. “You deserve a hell of a lot better than me.”

Shea shook her head in frustration. Stupid, stupid, stupid man. “All I’ve ever wanted was you, Ryan. How can you not be the best thing that’s ever happened to me?”

“You deserve someone worthy, damn it. I’ve seen and done things that would make you sick, Shea, and you all but fucking glow with innocence. You’re too damn sweet for your own good.”

She smiled at that. That soft, secretive smile that always made him rock-hard, imagining what she was thinking about. “Do you really love me?” she asked carefully, almost afraid of what he’d say.

Ryan’s hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, as if for the first time in his life he didn’t know what to do with them. It was an amazing feeling to know she’d rattled him, this brave, gorgeous man who was more of a hero than any of her ancient gods and goddesses could’ve ever dreamed of being.

“God knows I do,” he rasped. “I feel like I’m dying when I’m not with you, like I can’t fucking breathe without you next to me.” His breath expelled on a harsh sigh, because he couldn’t believe what he was about to admit. “It’s scary as hell, Shea.”

She contemplated him through eyes that were suddenly wiser, older than her years, daring him to reach for everything he’d ever wanted. “Then why don’t you just take what you want, Ry?”

“Look, I’ve never told anyone this,” he said quietly, looking lost for a moment. Then he shook it off and shoved his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. “Hell, not Derek, not even Hannah knows all of it, even though she knew me at the time. But there was—uh, this woman.”

Suddenly Shea wasn’t certain she wanted to hear this. “Ryan, you don’t have to explain—”

“Just listen, okay. She was my fiancée. We were going to get married right outta college. She was a few years older than me. Miss Nashville and all that crap. I thought I was a real stud, bagging someone like her, and then I found out she’d been sleeping behind my back with just about every guy I knew.”

Ryan rolled his head across his shoulders, trying to relieve some of the tension he always felt when he thought about it, but then he realized the blow to his pride no longer bothered him the way it always had before. Loving Shea made all of that crap seem so insignificant compared to what they had together. Still, she deserved to know all of it.

“Anyway, she slept around with all of them. Shit—friends, enemies, you name it and she’d nailed ‘em. When I found out, I got so pissed I went and tracked a group of them down. Ended up being this rich-ass bunch of frat boys, but I was too far gone to worry that they outnumbered me five to one. Anyway, there was a fight and I ended up putting a few of them in the, ah, hospital—and damn near got my ATF application denied. Would have ended up in some serious shit, if my superior hadn’t taken it upon himself to investigate the case and present my side of things. After that, I didn’t want to have anything to do with another woman, other than to, you know—to, ah, screw her.”

“I guess I can understand that,” Shea replied softly, her heart aching for him, knowing how hard a man like Ryan would’ve taken such a betrayal. “I mean, if you really loved her.”

“Damn it, Shea, I didn’t love her. I know that now. I was angry, furious, but I wasn’t heartbroken. I just didn’t want to ever go through all that crap again. And then I met you. Hell, I saw you, and suddenly all I could think about was getting you underneath me and keeping you there forever.”

One moment he was in front of the window, and in the next he stood before her, cradling her tear-stained face in his strong hands. She hadn’t even realized she was crying until his calloused thumbs brushed against the moisture on her cheeks. “You—hell, I don’t know how to explain it. You just did something to me. Broke something in me open and I can’t put it back together. I don’t even want to try. I just want you, Shea. Everything about you. I want it all.”

“But what about all those other women?” she asked shakily. “And don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, Ryan. I need to know the truth.”

His scowl was fierce. “Jesus, Shea. Why in the hell would I want another woman when I’ve got you?”

She pressed her lips together and shook her head, fighting to hold in the happiness she could feel bubbling up from within. “Just answer the question, McCall.”

“No, I won’t ever want anyone but you,” he told her solemnly. “I’ll never as much as look at another woman for the rest of my life. You have my word and my heart on that, baby.” His lips twisted, smile wry, blue eyes eating her alive. “Christ, it’s all I can do to keep up with you.”

Her palms covered the backs of his hands, holding him to her. “I love you, Ryan. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy, make you smile and laugh and—”

“I want you to marry me,” he whispered in a gruff voice. It was thick with love, urgent with need. His strong arms wrapped around her, crushing her to his bare chest, while his face nuzzled into the soft, scented skin beneath her ear. “Tell me now, Shea. Please, before I die here. Tell me you’ll marry me.”

“You want to get married?” Her dazed voice came out in a croak, as if she truly couldn’t believe he’d ever want such a thing. She sounded like she’d never even considered it.

Ryan pulled back enough to see her face, his blue eyes glittering with intent. “Damn straight I want to get married. As in you and me together for the rest of our lives. That’s what being in love means. That’s what forever means, damn it!”

And she could see that he meant it. Every heart-melting, soul-scorching word. Her answering smile was radiant, full of love and the piercingly sweet promise of their future. “Oh, God, yes! Of course I’ll marry you!”

“Damn,” he groaned against her mouth, trying to kiss her smiling lips, desperate for the taste and texture of her. “You almost had me worried there for a minute.”

“Shut up,” she laughed tearfully, smacking him on his solid shoulder, so happy she thought she might die. “You already knew my answer, you dolt. As if I’d say no to you.”

“I’m not taking any chances.” His arms squeezed around her, holding her in case she decided to make a run for it. “We’ll go get the blood tests this week. Then go to the courthouse next Saturday with Derek and Hannah.”

“Oh, wow.” Her voice was soft, the look in her big eyes even softer, melting him. “You seem almost desperate. I’d never even thought you’d want to marry me.”

Ryan’s hand trembled as he smoothed the silky curls snared in her tears, tucking them behind her ear. “Shea, if you’d said no, I’d have dragged you to an altar and had Derek hold my gun at your back. Desperate? Damn, woman, you have no idea how desperate you make me feel.”