Ajar (6 page)

There were two stores that delivered in
Sawyer: the pharmacy and the liquor store. Obviously, we could not
get deliveries from the pharmacy. We didn’t even try. Mrs. Tillson
had decided to keep the pharmacy open. She had hired a part-time
pharmacist and some people to help out. It had been closed for a
few weeks but now it was open and sported a big blue and white “For
Sale” sign. Georgie and Dottie got deliveries from both the
pharmacy and liquor store and shared liberally with my mother. I
had the sneaky suspicion that they were using my mother’s name to
buy things but I didn’t really care. We did need deliveries.
Georgie and Dottie always seemed to have a cup of something in
their hands and, before long, so did my mother. She had never been
a big drinker prior to my brother’s crime. She’d have a beer or a
drink before bedtime but now she was drinking all the time. She
tried to hide it in coffee cups but I could smell it on her. I
wanted to tell her that drinking didn’t help but since nothing else
did either I decided to keep my mouth shut. What was she supposed
to
do
anyway? Maybe drinking would dull all this pain.

I tried to do my mother’s errands in town.
The people in the bank and the post office were nice to me. Well,
they weren’t exactly nice but they waited on me. I tried to buy
groceries at Pinsky’s but Mrs. Pinsky ran me out. “You, you get out
of here!” she yelled at me as soon as she saw me. She had a heavy
Polish accent. I stood looking at her shocked. Stosh Pinsky was
behind the counter. We had been friends—good friends—since
kindergarten. I had eaten at the Pinsky home in the past and he had
eaten at mine. We had gone to Boy Scout camp together. Stosh’s face
darkened and he turned away as his mother continued to scream at
me, “Go! Get out of here! We no have your kind in here! Go! Get
out!” I tried to get a sandwich in Smitty’s Deli once but no one
would wait on me. They just left me standing there while they
helped other customers. We relied on Uncle Elliot to take us once a
week to Hutton. Hutton was down river from us in Sawyer. It was a
city, not a big one, but it was the county seat. In Hutton, we were
anonymous.

The summer was long and dry and hot. I spent
my days riding my bike farther and farther out into the country
because I did not want to ride into town. I really wasn’t riding
anywhere; I was wandering, lost, unable to do anything else. I did
not want to sit in the motel and I couldn’t go anywhere else. I
couldn’t go to the beach or the arcade. I couldn’t play baseball in
the park or go to the movies. No one said I couldn’t do these
things; I just understood that I couldn’t.

I found the narrow country roads with few
cars. I would pedal down the gravel roads, some heavily wooded.
When I got tired, I would drag my bicycle into the woods, find a
mossy spot and nap since I could no longer sleep at night. I glided
past dairy farms and beef farms watching the cows graze leisurely.
I found a secluded spot way out past McSimmon’s farm where I could
wade into a pool of cool stream water on the hottest days. When I
was there, I felt the entire world had disappeared and I was the
only human left alive. I never talked to anyone. I tried to be
invisible. I found out that if I sat quietly in the woods long
enough the birds forgot I was there. They would come closer and
closer. I wanted to be a bird. I wanted to be able to fly
somewhere. But the closest thing I had to wings at this point was
my bike. Even though it could take me far out from town, it never
really could take me far enough. I always had to go back to the
Lumberjack Motel, my mother and the reality of my life.

My mother seemed unconcerned by my long
absences. I’m not even sure if she noticed. It was as if she had
lost the ability to know what was going on around her. She spent
her afternoons in a lawn chair sitting out behind the motel with
Dottie and Georgie and the little gang of kids. My mother who used
to rarely smoke was now chain smoking. She was now drinking all the
time, too, and sharing her drinks with Dottie and Georgie. By
mid-afternoon my mother was glassy eyed. Dottie and Georgie’s
demeanor never seemed to change. By eight o’clock my mother was
passed out in front of the TV. I couldn’t really be mad at her.
What exactly was she
supposed
to do?

A few times a week, I’d ride over and see
Aunt May for lunch while Uncle Elliot was at work. She’d make me
put the bike around back and say, “Don’t tell your uncle you were
here.” She’d ask about my mother and shake her head. When I left,
she’d press a few dollars in my hand. My Aunt May was a very nice
lady. She even asked me my size and went to Hutton and bought me a
new pair of sneakers, some jeans and some shirts. “Don’t tell your
uncle,” she said again when she gave them to me.

Chapter
Ten

Right before school started, Mr. Richards
contacted Uncle Elliot with a message that we could go visit
Daniel. I was filled with a sense of relief. Everything I had heard
about Daniel had been second- or third-hand. Actually, almost all
I’d heard about Danny had been from the newspapers with the
exception of Mr. Richards’ singular visit. What did the papers know
about my brother? Now we would actually be able to see Daniel. I
knew seeing Daniel would clear this whole mess up. I was happy.
Finally, we’d get to the bottom of all this. It seemed that now
there was a turning point in this nightmare that had become my
life.

But it did not go as I expected. I didn’t
know anything about psychiatric hospitals. I thought they were like
regular hospitals. After all, they are called hospitals. I couldn’t
have been more wrong.

Uncle Elliot drove us over to Riverview
Psychiatric Hospital for our scheduled visit. We passed through a
front gate where we were stopped. A man in a gray uniform looked at
clipboard to find our names. He gave us a hang tag for the rearview
mirror and directed us where to park.

The place was huge. It looked more like a
haunted castle than a hospital. It was red brick, five stories
high. It had towers and turrets. The roof had a steep pitch, with
small arched windows at regular intervals. The windows on the lower
floors were huge, at least a story tall. The whole place looked
clean and honestly, a little scary… It was not inviting. There was
something ominous about the place. I could feel a sense of
foreboding growing and tried to shove it deep down inside me and
deny it.

With lead in our feet we entered the front
lobby area where we were greeted by a receptionist behind
bullet-proof glass. My uncle had to surrender his keys and we
weren’t allowed to bring anything in with us to my brother,
including the brownies my aunt May had sent. A burly security guard
in an olive drab uniform was assigned to escort us. We followed him
through a series of locked doors. With each succession of locked
doors, I felt like we were going deeper and deeper into the bowels
of the earth, even though an elevator took us up. We again passed
through locked doors. Our escort, with his huge ring of keys,
seemed bored as he walked us down the maze of hallways. I would
never be able to find my way out. The guard didn’t speak to us. He
didn’t even look at us. At the last door, I could hear a scream. I
looked at my mother, who had turned white, and Uncle Elliot, who
was fidgeting. At the edges of hearing, muffled, as if far away, I
could hear strange noises I couldn’t quite identify. Moaning? We
finally entered a hall and were taken to a windowless room. It had
a hodge-podge of stick furniture. The guard stood at the door and
instructed us to sit. We all sat in a line. One chair leg was
shorter than the other and my chair rocked slightly side to side
when I shifted my weight.

About ten minutes later, Daniel was led in,
or someone who resembled Daniel. He had lost a tremendous amount of
weight and his head was shaven. His cheeks and eyes were sunken. He
was wearing blue canvas pants and a white T-shirt. On his feet were
dirty brown slippers. There was an orderly on either side of him.
My mother rose, instinctively.

“Sit!” the guard barked. “There is no
physical contact allowed.”

“I can’t even hug my son?” My mother’s eyes
were wide again, round and fearful.

“Sorry, ma’am,” he said with no inflection
in his voice. My mother melted back into her chair.

Daniel slumped in a chair across from us. He
looked like he was thrown there by the orderlies. He did not look
at us. His lips were moving but they made no sound.

“Danny, honey,” my mother looked at him,
“it’s Mom and Gus. Uncle Elliot is here, too. We’ve come to visit
you.”

There was a long silence. Dan sat there
slumped deep in another world muttering soundless words.

“Danny, sweetheart...”

“How did you get in here?” he leaned forward
speaking in a whisper. His eyes were wild; they shifted from side
to side not focusing on anything. He glanced at the guard standing
in the doorway, and then fell back in his chair mumbling.

“We’ve come to visit you,” Mom repeated, her
voice weakening.

There was a long pause and then Dan tipped
his head to the side as if listening to someone speak. He looked at
us again.

“
Do they know?”

“Does who know?” my mother said and then,
“Of course they know. We had to sign in to see you.”

“Hum,” he grunted a little and started to
rock.

“How have you been?” my mother asked. It was
a stupid question but what do you actually ask in that situation?
What do you say? Danny just kept rocking.

“Talk to us, sweetheart,” my mother was
imploring.

He grunted again. My mom gently nudged
me.

“Hi, Dan,” I said.

He lifted his head and looked at me. I faked
a smile.

“You have to be careful,” he said to me,
“because you’re next. You know it, don’t you? They got me. They
think they got away with it. But they didn’t. I know what they are
planning to do.”

“Who are you talking about?” I asked. I was
both annoyed and frightened. What was wrong with him? This wasn’t
my brother. What had happened to him? What had they
done
to
him?

“Shhhhh,” he put his finger to his lips,
glancing again at the guard.

“How are they feeding you in here?” my
mother asked.

“I can’t eat this. I can’t eat this stuff.
That is how they got the last chip in me. And I can’t take the
chance they’ll poison me.”

“Honey, we want to help you but you have to
talk to us,” my mother said.

“You taking your medication?” Uncle Elliot
barked.

Danny’s eyes narrowed. He looked at Uncle
Elliot, “Who are you?”

“It’s Uncle Elliot,” I said quickly before
anyone else could speak.

“They’re good. They’re really good,” Danny’s
voice was deep and demonic. “Look at this, Gus; he even has you
fooled. But this is not Uncle Elliot. It’s a changeling, a
shape-shifter.” Without warning Dan screamed, “What have you done
with my uncle!”

We all sat back and upright, shocked at his
outburst.

“Hey,” the guard said, “no yelling or they
gotta go. Got it?”

“Jesus Christ!” Uncle Elliot swore. “What
kind of nut house is this? What did they do to him?”

And then everyone was screaming at once. My
brother was screaming at Uncle Elliot, “I’ll kill you, you bastard!
You can’t take my family!” and Uncle Elliot was yelling back, “What
the hell is wrong with you?” My mother was sobbing, “Please, please
stop,” and I was yelling, “Danny, don’t do this!” The guard alerted
the orderlies and Dan was dragged out of the room, kicking and
screaming. Foam and spittle was forming around his lips and
dribbled down his chin.

“You’ll hurt him!” my mother jumped to her
feet and the guard blocked her way to my brother.

“Stop it!” I yelled and the guard forcibly
grabbed me as I lunged forward. A door was slammed in our faces and
we could hear my brother screaming and cursing.

Our escort came back. He said impassively,
“You can’t be like that or you can’t see him.” He escorted us back
through all the locked doors. My mother sobbed quietly all the way
back to the motel. My Uncle Elliot scowled. I stared out the
window.

Chapter
Eleven

Even with everything that had gone on, I
never actually thought I would not be allowed to go back to school
for my senior year. Actually, I had started to fantasize about
going back to school. Even though none of my friends had contacted
me all summer—I figured they didn’t know where I was—I never
thought they would no longer be my friends once school started. I
thought about Stacey Hollinder, too. Maybe if I could just talk to
her she wouldn’t see that I was crazy like my brother. Maybe I
could work up to asking her out again. We didn’t need to tell her
father. For some reason, I didn’t think people would treat me
differently
in school.
It was probably a coping mechanism on
my part, but I thought once I returned to school, I would regain
some normalcy back into my life. I longed for the routine. I needed
the distraction.

I lined up for the bus at the Lumberjack
Motel in my hand-me-down jeans and boarded the bus like everyone
else. They were mostly elementary kids at the motel. Dottie and
Georgie stood with my mother. Several of their little herd were
dressed in regular clothes, as opposed to the diapered look, and
clamored on the bus with me. My mom was finally out of her cast and
smoked a cigarette standing next to Dottie and Georgie. My mother
had a cup in her hand. I suspected it was not coffee. For a moment,
as the three of them lifted their hands to wave at us it looked
like all of them, my mother included, belonged there. The kids
already on the bus snickered as we came on. The welfare kids had
arrived. I ignored them and sat behind the driver with one of
Dottie or Georgie’s little ones. I stared out the window and didn’t
look up as other kids got on the bus.