Alive (10 page)

My heart abruptly squeezes like a sponge being wrung dry.

The shock of the compression doubles me over and sweat springs up on my neck. The pain is minor at first. Tricky. Slight but still enough to allow me to lie to myself. This will be it. This
isn’t so bad. I can deal with this much. Even this much, I bargain.

But it grows, and before I know it someone has lit a sparkler inside me.

I imagine my brain on a CT scan exploding with color. Pain everywhere. I bite into my fist and crumple into the fetal position.

Then, before the pain reaches its crescendo, it disappears all at once. “Stella?” The voice is boyish. Clear. “Stella?” The pain is gone so fast it seems it was never
there. Someone pats my face and it’s as if I’ve been saved. “Are you okay?”

My eyelids flutter open. I blink once, twice, and stare up at what should be the gray sky.

“Can you hear me?”

Dark, almond eyes stare down at me. He cradles my head in his lap and wipes sweat from my forehead. I can hardly believe the clean, smooth feeling in my chest.

“Levi?” I can’t believe I just said that. He’ll think I’m a stalker.

He chuckles. “Good, you know who I am. I was worried you’d think I was some bum off the streets.”

I stare at him blankly. Words, Stella. Any word will do. Say something. Anything, I plead with myself.

“Um, yeah, calculus,” I say, crawling upright. Brilliant, Stel.

His smile, though, is megawatt. “Yeah, I noticed you in there.” There’s a tiny bead of water hanging from a tuft of hair on his forehead, like he must have walked through
pouring rain earlier today or arrived from a photo shoot under a waterfall. Meanwhile, I probably have mascara smudged underneath my eyes and the stringy hair of a wet shih tzu.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

He raises an eyebrow. “I’m rescuing you. Do you have a habit of shrieking and passing out on public benches?” I don’t remember making any noise at all.

“Low blood sugar,” I lie. “Started feeling faint and then—”

“Then I saw you lying here white as a sheet and panicked.” He shakes his head and stares out at Elliott Bay. “I was about to call the damn coast guard.”

“Seems like a lot of people for one girl,” I say dryly.

“Well…” He winks. “You gave me a scare, Cross.”

I squint at the glare from the clouds. He knows my last name, too? He hands me my purse and my wallet, which had slipped out. My hopes take a nosedive.

I swallow hard. He must know the effect he has on girls, right? “So.” Unsure of what to do, I figure I ought to at least make conversation.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what brings you to Duwamish after the start of senior year? Can’t exactly be the easiest time to switch schools.”

He bends his head down, wrinkling his forehead. “You sure you’re okay? That looked pretty serious. Can I—?”

I wave him off. “I’m fine.” And it’s the truth. I actually feel perfectly well. Amazing even. “School?”

He narrows his eyes and lets his gaze linger on my face another moment before continuing. “Bit of a life change, you could say.”

I play with my shoelaces. “Is that code for ‘got expelled’?” I ask before I can stop myself.

“No, it’s not code for ‘got expelled.’” He runs his hands through his hair. That had to be him in the bakery, I realize, but, if so, why did he hide? “Be
honest. Is that what everyone thinks?”

“I’d say roughly seventy percent.”

This time he actually laughs. “Super.”

A seagull swoops in close and pecks at some chips scattered on the ground. I try to focus on that instead of how close I’m sitting to Levi Zin. Just being next to him makes me feel like
spilled grape juice on white carpet.

“You’re not exactly answering my question,” I point out.

He looks straight at me, his mouth pinched to the side. “Well, I
have
known you for approximately three minutes, Stella Cross.”

“I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I just—”

He cracks his knuckles using the side of his knee. “That’s okay. Let’s just say not everything or everyone can last forever.” He picks a pebble off the ground and tosses
it into the bay.

I nod, biting my lip to keep myself from asking yet another question and then, because my brain has to know the answer to everything, I mentally recategorize Levi from troubled dropout to a kid
grieving the loss of someone close to him. I fight the urge to reach out and give him a hug.

“So, do you like it so far?”

He hums at a level that’s almost inaudible—a sexy baritone. The tune is familiar but I can’t place it. “Could be worse. I had friends at my old school. You know, guys I
grew up with since elementary. I don’t exactly love the idea of jumping into that dynamic somewhere else, I guess.”

“I know the feeling,” I say without thinking.

Levi cocks his head. “Are you new also?”

I shake my head quickly. “No, but I had to take some time off—and, I don’t know, it’s hard to get plugged back in.”

He lets a few moments slide past in silence. “Mono?”

I let out a breathy laugh. “Something like that.”

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.” I know that he’s teasing, but the intensity of his stare still makes my toes curl.

“Well, I
have
known you approximately three minutes, Zin,” I reply. The contents of my stomach perform rhythmic gymnastics.

Something passes over Levi’s face. Sadness? Anger? It’s a flash of an expression that leaves an imprint like the white spots beneath your eyelids the moment after a photo’s
been taken. One moment, that’s it, and then it’s gone. “Do you want to go out Friday night?” he asks.

It’s a good thing I’m sitting down.

I find Brynn leaned up against my Jetta with a big wet stain stretching from her collarbone to the top of her bra. I grimace. Three guesses how she got it.

“Do I look like a thirteen-year-old girl with no job and braces?” she demands, fists rammed into her hips. “I am
not
your babysitter.” She tosses the car keys at
me. “You left them in the stroller pouch. Your little devil is inside. Enjoy.”

“Wait!” I all but shout at her. The thought of having to keep this inside for even one more moment will kill me. “I have a good excuse. Promise.”

She halts her revolution and lifts the pierced eyebrow.

I’m sure my face is bright red, but I feel it turn maroon as I say, “Two words, Brynn: Levi Zin.”

“I’m listening.”

I hop onto the trunk of my car and put my head in my hands, ruffling my hair because I still can’t believe it. “He asked me out! He asked
me
out.”

“Where the hell did you go? I thought you went to the bathroom.”

“I, uh, I ran into him. On the way.” I’m not ready to share the whole story. I don’t want anyone else knowing that I’m not one hundred percent better. Not yet
anyway.

“He asked you out?” she says, as if finally registering it. Then she smirks. “On the way to the bathroom?”

“Shut up.” I wrap a strand of black hair around my finger and twirl. I’d forgotten what it felt like to talk about normal girl things. News other than what my iron levels were
and how I was feeling that week. “He asked me out,” I repeat. “But it’d be okay to tone down the surprise just a hair.”

“Sorry. No, I mean why wouldn’t he?” She rolls her eyes. “Come on, you know that’s not how I meant it.”

“I know, I know.” I peer through the back windshield to check on Elsie. Thankfully, she seems to be engrossed in a serious chat with her stuffed penguin, Mr. P.

“So, details, please!”

“We’re going out Friday night.” Brynn sucks in a mouthful of air. “What?” I ask, suspicious.

“I hate to break it to you, but that’s the night you’re going to the concert with Henry.”

Her statement takes a moment to sink in, and when it does, I groan. “Ugh, you’re right,” I say, smacking my forehead with my open palm. “How could I have
forgotten?”

“I have a few guesses.”

“What do I do, Brynn?”

“Do you really need me to tell you?”

I glare at her and jut out my lower lip. “No.”

“It’s Henry, Stel. You can’t blow him off.” Yes, it’s Henry, I want to say, but what does that mean? “If you still feel this way after the concert,
then—”

“Then you’re implying it’s a date with Henry, when I don’t think that’s the case.”

“Don’t be an idiot. It’s a date and you knew it when you agreed. You can take your naive ingenue routine elsewhere, thank you very much.” Brynn unfolds her arms and takes
pity on my pouting face. “Look, Levi asked you out once. I’m sure he’ll ask you out again.”

“Not if someone else gets there first.” I pout. He’s only just started at Duwamish. Running into him out here was pure luck.

Wasn’t it?

And what happens when he realizes I’m not the most popular girl at school. Or the prettiest?

“Come on.” Brynn shoves my shoulder playfully. “They have nothing on you.” But she’s only being nice.

“Since when did you become the moral police?” I huff.

“Please, I’m an angel.” At that, I laugh out loud, because there’s nothing angelic about Brynn McDaniel. “You should have just told Henry you weren’t
interested, Stel.”

Through the back windshield, I see that Elsie is now beating Mr. P’s head against the seat. “But I’m not
not
interested.” The truth is, I was excited when Henry
asked me out before my surgery, but the last thing I wanted was some sick-girl pity party. And worse, what if I hadn’t survived? Then Henry would have been forced to mourn my death for, like,
fourteen months as the sad, dutiful boyfriend of three and a half days? Not on my watch. “I liked him before…you know…and I’ll probably like him again. I’m just, I
don’t know, I met Levi and—”

“Sparks?”

Sparks, an inferno, take your pick. I sigh. “It’s complicated.” I tap the glass and for a second Elsie pauses in her quest to beat the cotton stuffing out of her
penguin’s head.

“It’s not a fucking mathematical equation,” Brynn says.

Elsie stares up at me. Her tiny lower lip is starting to get wet and slimy, the way it does right before a good, solid cry. I’ve only got a minute before the real screaming starts. This
wouldn’t be half as difficult if I didn’t want to shove my tongue in Levi’s mouth every time I laid eyes on him. “Fine, I’ll cancel my date with Levi, okay?”

Brynn pinches my cheeks. “Look at you, heart of gold.”

I think of Levi’s throaty baritone voice, the sound the tips of his shoelaces made on the pavement, and the way I wanted to reach up and smooth his rumpled collar. My chest seizes with
something almost like anger at the idea of not seeing him on Friday. I don’t know about my old heart, but this one is anything but gold.

“Turns out I can’t go Friday.”

This is officially my third out-of-body experience this month. What’s wrong with me?

The corners of his mouth turn down and he manages to look perfectly adorable. My heart twists painfully, like it might be wrenched free of its arteries. I hadn’t known I’d feel this
guilty.

“You’re canceling? Why?” There’s a quick twitch that wrinkles his forehead near the brow bone. A glance down to his lap and then back up to me.

“No!” I jump in. “I mean yes, but not because I want to. To cancel on you, I mean.” I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to cancel on you, but I am canceling
on you, so yes. Sorry, these plans were made before, so yeah, that’s what I’m doing.” Cool, desperate, cool, desperate. Get a grip, Stella.

“It’s okay,” he says, in a way that makes it seem like I’ve made plans to drown kittens on Friday instead. He swirls one French fry around in a puddle of ketchup and
meets my eyes again. This time he holds my gaze. “Stella, you could have just said no, you know. I’m a big boy.”

“It’s not like that,” I protest, leaning forward, my hand on his knee. I glance down, wondering how I had the guts to pull that off. It was instinct, and now that I’m
touching him, I only want to move closer. Tentatively, I inch my chair toward his. He looks down at the hand and his Adam’s apple spikes. “I—it’s not like that, Levi.”
My face is hot. Electricity courses through me.

“Then what is it like, Stella?” Levi slips his hand under the table and plays with my fingers. Parts of me wake up, like he’s touching the keys on a piano.

I sigh, glancing at Henry, who’s dabbing mustard off his chin. “It’s just that my friend Henry got us tickets to see Action Hero Disco that night.”

“Damn,” he says under his breath. “He’s got good taste at least.”

“Henry doesn’t really like them but he knew I loved them and somebody had tickets or something.
You
like Action Hero Disco?”

He drops his chin as if to say, Duh. Levi leans over to get a better look at Henry. “Your friend, huh?”

It takes me a moment to process that upward lilt in his voice at the end. The skeptical
huh
.

“No! Seriously. Friend. I’ve known him for ages.” It’s only once the words are out that I realize how much I’ve made up my mind. I want Levi.

I squirm against the cold plastic. Inside, I feel my heart wrenching again toward Levi, and a small part of me mourns the loss of what Henry and I might have been—no, still could
be—if I wasn’t here trying to convince the boy in front of me that I’m totally and completely unattached. But it’s too late. I already left the old Stella standing on top of
that pier.