Alive (38 page)

This is the secret I’ve kept from Henry. I’ll still destroy Levi. I just may happen to destroy myself, too.

Henry presses the brakes and pushes the gear into park. His headlights create a halo of light in the clearing. The bridge, copper and rusted, is decked in graffiti. Abandoned and fallen into
disrepair. The Duwamish Waterway, which coils around the east side of Seattle, crashes into the canal walls below. Neither of us says a word. We just sit there for a moment in silence. Nearing the
end.

Although I never wanted seventeen to be the period on the end of my very short life sentence, I’m practically giddy at the thought of the last moments of my pain. The big finale. Soon it
will be gone and I’ll feel nothing, and the idea of it is almost sweet enough to make my teeth ache.

“Henry, I want to do this part alone,” I say. “This is between me and him. I just need a second, okay?” He starts to open his mouth, but I talk over him. I have to talk
fast before I lose my nerve. Or worse, before I cry. “You can see me. I’ll be right there,” I insist. “Let me do this. Please?”

He nods. “Okay. Fine. If you have to.”

My smile is weak, but I try to make it reassuring.

I unload the bag of remains from the trunk. The bag is unexpectedly light in my grip. My knees tremble. The smell of damp earth and falling leaves is pungent, but as soon as I step out onto the
bridge, the sea overwhelms it. The echoing roar of water is heavy in the air.

I walk all the way to the center of the bridge and peer over the edge: the drop is enough to kill me. The bridge is lined only in short rail ties that emit heady waves of gasoline. I gulp air,
suddenly terrified. Shaking, I lift the bag to the ledge and let go. The remains of Levi Zin tumble down and disappear into the black water below. I watch, speechless, as the bag sinks below the
surface.

I catch the scent of cigarette smoke just before I hear the strong baritone of his voice.

“If you do this, you’ll lose everything.”

I spin around, and as I do, I feel my heel catch the lip of the bridge. I lean forward for balance. “Stay right there.” I hold out a trembling finger.

He obeys. In the time since I’ve seen him, Levi has changed. The beauty in his face has shifted and turned into something lean and hungry. The second he appears, the swollen, tender ache
in my chest subsides to a dull pinprick, and I still wonder how I’ve resisted him for so long. His hair shines with moisture and so does his skin, both hinting of the ocean at twilight.

A cruel smile spreads across his face. He has always been the predator toying with his prey, waiting for the moment to pounce. He’s been there every second. Every moment. Waiting.

Chills raise goose pimples over every spare inch of me.

“Is she safe?” I ask, shifting both heels back to the brink.

Levi’s jaw is taut. He nods. This, though, this moment of defiance, he wasn’t expecting, I realize with a rush of satisfaction.

I back up a centimeter, conscious of the boggling heights. Starlight shines off his sodden hair, slicked sideways across his forehead.

“You donated it,” I tell him. “It’s mine now.” I’m not sure whether I think he needs to hear it or I do.

“It was taken from me.” He snarls.

The water thunders below us. One step. That’s all it would take.

“If you’ve wanted my heart all along, what were you waiting for?” I’m surprised by the sudden steadiness of my own voice.

He lets out a cheerless, one-note laugh. He watches me, hawk-eyed. Hands shoved in his pockets, his posture is relaxed, but I notice the flex in his muscles and my own stomach clenches into a
fist.

“Doesn’t everyone deserve a final spin around the block? Once my heart’s been returned to me, I’ll be banished forever.” Levi strolls toward me. He takes another
pull from his cigarette and the end glows orange. “Besides, Stella, give yourself some credit. You’re not a total bore.” My cheeks burn. It seems as if he’s about to reach
out to touch me.

This is it. I’ve run out of time. I put one foot over the rail tie and balance my toe on the narrow outer ledge. Levi freezes, watching me. Testing.

“You’re not thinking.” His lips curl over his teeth in an ugly grimace.

“You’re not real.”

For a moment, we’re both stalled at an impasse. Then the silence shatters. Footsteps pound the bridge. A metallic echo. A figure barreling toward us.
No, Henry
. It’s too late.
He’s sprinting toward us. Face contorted into a battle cry. He closes the distance in no time.

Levi spins deftly and catches Henry in the chest with a swift kick. He clasps Henry’s ribs, pushing him up off of his toes so that his feet dangle. Henry’s face contorts, and for an
instant, I see the tormenting chest ache that I’ve been suffering reflected on someone else’s face.

“Tell me,” Levi says. “Is this real enough for you?” I see torn edges of skin and bloody holes that gurgle for air. I don’t need a vision. I know what comes
next.

“Stop or I’ll jump.” I don’t have to say it loudly for Levi to hear. Henry’s face is white and lolls to the side. Not Henry. Please, not Henry.

Levi aims his stare at me. Hooded eyes, dark and devilish. “You were a coward when I met you and you’re a coward still.”

He’s wrong. I was a coward when we met, but his heart changed me. I’m not scared to live anymore. And I’m not scared to die.

I turn and place both feet on the outer ledge. I stretch out my arms. I imagine myself on the starting block, preparing to dive.
Are the swimmers ready?

On your mark. Get set.
Behind me, a dull thud. My right foot moves to take a step. I lean forward, heart over my center of gravity. I feel the pull of the ground. A flit of breeze.

And then a hand takes a fistful of my shirt and I’m thrown sideways away from the ledge. Steel railroad tracks scrape the skin from my elbows. Henry’s figure is crumpled a few feet
away.

I scramble to my feet and run.

I run without thinking about in what direction. As long as it’s away from Henry. The clanging of the bridge vanishes. My feet find soft ground, slippery underneath them. The road is lined
with spindly trees. Downhill, curving right. Panic blocks my throat. I’m fast. But not fast enough. I can’t outrun Levi. Not forever.

I hammer my legs, propelling myself toward the first signs of civilization I see. A cluster of sleepy houses nestled between road and water. I wonder if I should scream. Would anyone help me if
I did? Would anyone believe me?

The street’s deathly quiet, as if Levi and I are the last people left in this town. What I need now is options. The only option I can think of is to stay away from him.

My rib cage expands and contracts painfully. Three years ago I could have run ten times as far without feeling my lungs knot. I reach a stop sign at the end of the main road and turn left. Rows
of the neighborhood’s wooden fences begin to wedge me in.

“Don’t worry, Cross,” Levi hurls the words at me. “I’m patient.”

My legs already prick and burn like they’ve been stuck by a nest of a million hornets. There’s a chance I won’t make it much farther. A good chance. There’s adrenaline,
but even that can’t keep my legs moving as fast as they need to. My instincts are screaming, Fight or flight. Fight or flight. I screw my chin over my shoulder and see Levi walking toward me,
slowly, like Vlad the Impaler.

When I turn back I notice the reflection at the end of the lane ahead. As my head bounces up and down in time with my steps, the horizon bobs with it, and every so often I catch a twinkle of
light or the frothy crest of a whitecap.

An option.

I don’t have time to wonder or confirm my theory. I use the last bit of resolve to pump power into my legs. My shoes slap the pavement, doubled by the sound of Levi’s.

I start counting back from ten. The numbers run through my head like a ritual prayer. Anything to distract. I have to keep going.

I cut through a lawn, trampling a well-tended crop of hydrangeas in the process. At the end of the street, I slip between two brick houses and am choked by the smell of garbage spilling out of
the bins. The solid wall between Levi and me makes me feel safe for an instant, before I hear the crunch of Levi’s feet in the gravel alley. And it’s in that heartbeat that the toe of
my sneaker catches the ground wrong and I sprawl forward. Rocks scrape my hands. I bite my lip against the sting and work to scramble to my knees, but it’s too late. Levi’s hand has
latched onto the hood of Henry’s baggy sweatshirt.

His breathing is a snorting snarl that tears at the space around me. I can’t breathe. He’s pulling me up by the hood and the neck of the sweatshirt strangles me. I gasp and search
for air that won’t come. Tossing my head, I fight to get my fingers inside the collar, but it’s too tight. I arch back. My eyeballs roll in their sockets.

The zipper is in between my fingers. My head fills with cotton and my legs go numb. I slide the zipper down and muster my last bit of strength to wriggle my arms out of the jacket.

Levi falls back bellowing. I rise to my feet and again I run.

The sound of the tide crashes into the shore. Gusts of mist land on my face and I emerge from between the houses, staggering. On either side of me, expensive canal mansions loom like monsters,
with their lavish balconies and extravagant outdoor living rooms. Every one as indifferent to me as the ocean.

The salt-laced wind kicks up spray. My run has deteriorated into a lopsided limp. One long stride, one short. I cross the stately backyard of one of the channel homes with its hollow windows,
sleepy and oblivious. A stepping-stone path leads out to an empty boat dock.

The wood creaks underneath my weight. The boards of the dock vibrate. I feel Levi reach the small pier before I hear him. But I’m near the end of the runway. With my toes hanging off the
ledge I take one final look back. His bottom teeth jut forward. He stares at me hard, daring me to jump, and I know that I’m right. He won’t follow me to the place where he met his
watery end.

I step off the ledge. And I fall.

A mix of gravity and momentum plunge me far below the surface, where the water stabs at me with icy needles. I scream and the last of my air explodes into a thousand bubbles
that I watch float up.

My heart begins to pound and I roll over, belly down. I sweep my arms and kick my legs in large strokes. The ocean pours through my outstretched fingers.

I fight the current to avoid being pulled into shore. All the while, I imagine Levi, waiting for me. Watching.

My mind goes back to counting to ten. How long can I stay under? The farther I go, the more protected I’ll be by the night. Another push, I tell myself. Just one more.

I keep lying to myself until my chest feels so tight and full I’m sure it’ll burst. I can’t swim anymore. I need air. I stare up. The moon is a round orb, wrinkled and dangling
above. I kick my feet. The image of lane ropes. Chlorinated water. Gold medals.

The surface shimmers and fractures light like glass. Clicks and sputters fill my body and I know, at once, that I’ve made a fatal mistake.

Wet cement seeps into my arms and legs. I’m no longer kicking or flailing or moving. I’m only falling. Away from the air, sinking and watching the world fade away in slow motion. The
moon grows smaller and fainter and soon, it’s blotted out.

The first time, it’s like getting kicked in the chest by a horse.

The second, like being struck by a stray firework.

By the third, I swear I’ve been shot with a bullet.

“Clear.” A voice I don’t recognize. My back twists off the rough surface. I slam back against it. “Clear.” Liquid squelches from my lungs. Coughing. Spluttering.
Gasping for air.

Someone pushes my shoulder and rolls me onto my side. More water spews out. Toward the end, I’m puking it in stringy ropes that stick to my chin. A hand strikes my back, thumping me over
and over until I vomit whatever dregs are at the bottom of my stomach.

My eyelids flutter open. Sirens. Flickering red lights that turn the waves scarlet. Salt burns my nose and throat and coats my lashes.

“She’s conscious,” says another adult voice. Shadows swirl around me. So much movement and activity, I can’t keep up.