All Access (The Fangirl Series Book 1) (15 page)

“Robbyn, I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but don’t bother. Niles and I very much understand each other. Things are great. Getting more awesome by the day. I know it’s hard to hear, but if I were you, I’d move the hell on. He won’t be coming back to you. It’s that simple.”

She tosses her head back and laughs. I size up her exposed neck, thinking about how many times Niles has kissed it. Same with her collarbones and her chest. I look at her nose and forehead and chin, knowing he must’ve smothered those with kisses, too. My heart aches and I want to run away.

“Okay, Kallie,” she says, “I shouldn’t tell you this because it’s kind of like betraying the only man I’ve ever loved, but maybe this will move things along quicker, so here we go: Niles does not like you in that way. Sure, he’s really falling into character here, but the long and short of it . . .” she tips her head toward me and widens her eyes “. . . you wanna know?” I instinctively nod in return. “He’s using you. Get it?
Using. You
. He was bone-dry coming up with ideas for the new album and needed some inspiration. He finds out some random chick in Anytown, USA, wrote a book about him, so he says, ‘Hey, let me see what makes this girl tick. What would make a married woman think that way? How is she so obsessed with someone she doesn’t even know? Why would she risk so much to write a book like that?’ He thought there was a story there, Kallie, something he could build the new album around. Heartache and obsession and voyeurism and all that. So he called your ass up. Befriended you. Got you to trust him and spill your heart. That was his plan, anyway. And it looks to me like it’s working.”

She looks at me expectantly, but my heart has stopped and I’m pretty sure I’m going to black out. I hold on to the table for stability and let my head drop against my will.

“So, see what I mean? It sucks for me to watch him buy you bling and hold your hand and shit, but I know it’s for the greater good. He’ll write his next blockbuster album, kick your skinny butt to the curb, and come back to me. I just gotta be patient.”

From the corner of my eye, I see her fiddle with her bracelet. My brain has no idea what to do with this information. She’s either completely delusional or totally telling the truth. Really, what she’s saying is plausible. Why else would a rock star text me out of nowhere and then proceed to spend so much time with me? I think back on our time together and try to make sense of it all. If he’s “in character,” then he deserves a damn Oscar, to be truthful. I mean, he’s all but told me he loves me, he’s gifted me with diamond earrings, and he spends nearly every available second either with me or talking to me. If he’s just acting, he’s really doing it up.

But, maybe
that’s
why we’ve never had sex. Maybe he won’t go there because this is all a fraud. He’ll kiss me and mess around with me and tell me all the stuff I want to hear, but he won’t betray Robbyn or step into full-on bad-guy territory by making love to me.

Oh my God. Maybe it’s all true.

“Here he comes,” she says. “Listen, as a fellow sistah, I’m sorry to bust your bubble like that. But you gotta know the boy is mine. Always will be. Don’t forget it.”

She excuses herself and touches Niles’s shoulder as she walks by him. I drop my eyes and pretend to dig around in my purse again, but really I’m hiding the tears that are threatening their spill.

“Aw, shit. Again?” He thumps his hand on the table. “I knew I should’ve had you come out there with me. Whatever she said, I apologize in advance. I’m sure it was nothing good.”

I don’t answer him because I can’t. I’m still digging and the tears are still threatening.

“Kallie? You okay?” I shake my head, still looking down. “Dammit! What the fuck did she say?” He steps around the table so he’s right in front of me. He lifts my chin, but my eyes stay fixed on his shoulder. I cannot look at his face.

“Tell me what she said.” He’s calmer now, and he positions his face directly in front of mine so there is no way I can’t look at him.

I take a deep breath, battling with the corners of my mouth, which insist on turning downward. “Remember when you said that if I was uncomfortable tonight, we could leave?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“You can stay, but I gotta go.”

“You are not leaving without me. Let’s go.” He takes my hand and leads me toward the door. I allow it, but what I really want to do is run in the opposite direction. What’s going to happen next? Do I tell him what Robbyn just told me? Do I hold out and see if he exposes himself for the fraud Robbyn says he is? Do I pretend none of the last ten minutes ever happened and go on like all is well?

We crash through the door to the outside and I dash to the side of the building. In an instant, my stomach unleashes all the doubt and jealousy and alcohol it’s held all night. Niles is at my side, holding my hair away from my face, rubbing my back. He tells me it’s okay and that he’s here with me, and that everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

My head goes fuzzy and my body shakes . . . because as much as I want to believe him—as much as I really, really want to believe him—I seriously doubt that any of this is going to end up being “fine.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

The city streaks by through the cab window as Niles rubs his thumb across the top of my hand. He hasn’t let go of me since the second we walked out of the club. Even as we slid into the cab seat, he held my hand. Seeing the concern on his face and watching the tender way he’s treating me, my heart refuses to believe that what Robbyn accused him of is true.

I lift my forehead away from the cold glass of the window for a brief second, then let it crash down all over again. I simply don’t have the energy to keep my neck straight. My skin crawls thinking about how many germs are on this glass (Niles must be completely beside himself), but I don’t care. It feels good and it gives my eyes somewhere to look, other than at him.

“So, are you ever going to tell me what happened?” he asks. His voice is soft and caring, but also has an edge to it. Not knowing what went on in there is obviously killing him.

My mind goes wild. How can this sweet, sweet person—the guy who will not peel himself away from me, who told me how hot I make him, who told me how inspiring I am, who told me things he’s allegedly never told another person—how can he really be a fraud? Can all this really be an act? Is he that good of a liar? I simply cannot believe it. But why would Robbyn have lied?

Get it together, Kallie. She’s jealous of you. A jealous ex-girlfriend who is not particularly stable. She’s heartbroken. She wants him back. She can’t accept that he’s moving on. And she really can’t accept that he’s moving on right under her nose, where she can see him gifting you with diamonds and canoodling every chance he gets.

It would be torturous to witness someone you still love taking up with another person, I’m sure. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? We’ve seen our ex-high school crush or ex-lover or ex-whatever moving on with someone hotter, uglier, skinnier, fatter. It all hurts, no matter how much time we have invested or whether or not we thought we’d have a future together. In their case, she’d been pregnant with his baby, was with him for a year, thought they’d get married. Of course she’d be teetering on the deep end of desperation. I’m sure I would be, too.

But then why am I still so haunted by her words?

“Whatever she said obviously really upset you, and I hate that so much,” Niles says, bringing me back to the here and now. His thumb stops moving before he sucks in a breath. “I also hate that you’re not saying anything. Does that mean you think you can’t talk to me? Because, if so, that’s a huge bummer. I really thought we were . . . I thought we were much bigger than that.”

I snap my head to look at him. With those few words, my heart just broke. He’s right. He’s absolutely right. We
are
bigger than that. I have no business letting an insecure, jealous ex-girlfriend put doubts in my head when the person I should be putting all my faith in has never given me any indication he’s not one hundred percent genuine. I turn in my seat until we are knee to knee and throw my inhibitions out the window. Cabbie be damned, I don’t care who sees me right now. This is something that must be done.

I boost myself up until I am straddling Niles’s lap. At first, he looks shocked, but then he settles right in and clutches my waist. I hold his face and kiss him hard. He kisses me back with such fire, it’s hard to catch my breath. This goes on for ages, until I finally try to speak, in between kisses.

“She . . . she talked a bunch of shit . . . said some things . . . tried to make me doubt you . . . but I don’t care . . .” I pull away, my heart absolutely racing. I look at him, stare at that beautiful face, and smooth his eyebrow with my thumb. “I don’t care what she says. I know what I know.” I kiss him again. “And what I know is that this is good. This is very, very good.”

Even though Niles kisses me back, his posture suddenly stiffens. I pull back again and drop my hands to his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just . . . what do you mean she said stuff to make you doubt me? What did she say?”

“It doesn’t matter, Niles. I
don’t
doubt you. At all.”

His brows scrunch up and he shakes his head so slightly it’s barely noticeable. “She’s jealous, Kallie.”

“I know.”

“She can’t stand to see us together.”

“I know. I get it.”

“She calls and texts me all the time. I should have told you, but I didn’t want you to worry. Because it really is over between us. Really.” He looks at me, his eyes speaking volumes. “I didn’t not tell you to be sneaky. I promise.”

I tip my head, smiling a small smile to let him know it’s all right. “I know, Niles. Really.”

“Kallie,” he whispers, pulling my head down so my ear is near his mouth. “Let me make love to you tonight. Let me show you that you have nothing to doubt. That I’m,
we’re
, for real.”

I am absolutely sure I just lost consciousness. Niles Russell just told me he wants to make love to me. This is what I want most in this world right now and all I have to do is say yes and it will happen. Finally. Just like that. After all the thinking and wishing and dreaming and hoping, it’s here. The time is finally here.

All I have to do is say yes.

***

Niles stepped out quick (to get condoms? I assume so, but I didn’t ask.) and I am so thankful for this time to freshen up. My hair is disgusting and my eyes are screaming red from puking my fool head off earlier. I need to make myself hot—or at least presentable—before our big moment.

My stomach is in so many knots I can barely function. I want to be calm and cool, but I can hardly stand up. I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous. I don’t think I ever have been . . . well, except maybe right before the first (and second) time I met him.

What is this going to be like? It seems weird knowing it’s about to happen. Like, I kind of just thought it would go down naturally, without thought. I expected that we’d be in a “moment” and be so hot for each other that doing anything other than
that
would be impossible. Lord knows we’ve come close a bunch of times. I just assumed that’s how it would be.

I fluff my hair, brush my teeth, spray on some dry shampoo, and do a quick shave of my pits. I spruce up “down there” and dust everywhere I can reach with shimmering powder. I’m feeling as good as I can under the circumstances and squee at myself in the mirror.

This is it, Kal. This is your moment. The guy you’ve dreamed about for years is about to get as close to you as humanly possible. In just a short while, you two will become one. Keep it cool, this is what you want. Don’t freak out. Don’t blow it.

Despite my best efforts, all the pep talks in the world can’t stop my mind from going batshit crazy. What’s he going to look like naked? What will he think about how I look? Will he be, ahem, big? Small? Average? I don’t have a lot to compare him to, but I don’t think it will matter anyway. Even with my nerves turned up to full blast, I’m already so hot all it will take is for him to put a hand on my boob and I’ll lose my mind, I just know it. This is so bizarre. I kind of wish I didn’t have time to think about it. I’m freaking myself out and nothing has even happened yet.

I’ve done all I can do, so now I just wait. I put all my toiletries away and take one last look in the mirror. As I fix a clump of wayward hair, my phone bloops and I grab it, expecting it to be a text from Niles. When I see a number I don’t recognize, I almost ignore it, but open the text instead.

“In case you didn’t believe me,” it says, “I have some proof. Stay tuned. Sending it through.”

I wait a second, scrolling through all of my recent contacts, looking for a number that matches. It must be Lucy, texting from her personal phone. Maybe she’s about to send me a copy of a movie rights bid or something. Oh man, that is quite possibly the only thing that could make this moment even more amazing.

“Feast your eyes,” comes the next text.

Feast is not the word. Because when I open the attached photo, I see a snap of a notebook page, scribbled on with handwritten notes. Notes that say, “Figure out where she was coming from. Where was her head? Why me? Why now? What does she see in me? What is she expecting? What does she want? Why a book? Why a story about someone she doesn’t know? Why take such a risk? Build album around these answers.”

For at least the tenth time tonight (and for so many reasons) my heart stops. I scrutinize the writing. I’ve only seen Niles’s handwriting on the card he left me in the hotel room back in Philly, but I’ve drooled over that card so many times I can see the writing as though it were right before me. And, as much I can’t stomach admitting it, the writing in this photo matches it precisely. Oh my God.

I scrunch my eyes shut as I set down my phone. These are the things Niles wanted to learn about me so he could write his next album. These, right here, are the reasons Niles reached out to me. Why he keeps me around, keeps asking questions, keeps winning my trust, keeps convincing me he cares.

This is picture proof. What Robbyn said was true.

Niles is fucking using me.