All Eyes on Her (25 page)

“It means I mauled him in an elevator, did a striptease in a hotel room, made out with him in a hot tub and then ran away. You know, high school stuff.”

“What high school did you go to? All of your old boyfriends must still be blue from the neck down.”

“Shut up.” I smirked.

“I take it back! You’re a bad Indian girl.
A bad, bad Indian girl!
”

“Down boy.” I quelched that hungry look in his eyes before sending him on his way with a towel snap to the butt. “Or better yet,
out!
”

“Monica?” he yelled a few seconds later from the vicinity of the front door. “Monica!”

“What now? No, I am not mediating between you and Cassie from opposite sides of my bedroom door. Everybody needs to grow up and stop hiding and take care of themselves!”

“Um…there’s someone here you’re gonna want to see!” He sounded as if he was trying hard to remain calm.

Which was odd, since I hadn’t even heard the ringing of the doorbell.

“Y
OU GOTTA HIDE ME!”
A
FIGURE IN A PURPLE TRACKSUIT
bolted toward me, hunched over as if a hail of gunfire was going off overhead.

And they might not have had guns, but the avalanche of flashes that proceeded to flood through my bay windows nearly blinded me.

“Goddamn paparazzi!” she moaned, before yanking off a bobbed, blond wig, dark sunglasses and peeling off a prosthetic nose.

It was Lydia. In my living room. With no explanation and no idea what she had walked into.

“It’s like something out of
Alien!
” Jonathan commented, to nobody’s amusement.

“Don’t just stand there, Jonathan! Make yourself useful and go and close the damn shades! I’m not paying you for nothing!”

“Actually, Lydia,” I said, stepping forward, “you aren’t paying us at all…remember? We’re off your case. You’ve reconciled with Cameron.”

“Well, it looks like I’m hiring you again.” She ran her fingers through her hair, and picked at the last of the faux-skin lingering on her nose. “We need your help tonight.”

“Paparazzi scum!” Cassie complained while helping Jonathan shut the shades, and then let out a giggle. “I’ve always wanted to say that.”

“We?” I interrogated Lydia.

She smiled. “Okay, here’s the deal. I have a confession to make. But first, are we on the same page that I’ve hired you again so you have to maintain confidentiality?”

“You’ve barged in unannounced and ruined my dinner party.” I crossed my arms. “I don’t think you get to set the conditions.”

“Yeah, and it was such a great dinner party in the first place,” Jonathan shared.

“Cool, cool. Look.” She breathed deep and took a seat at my table. “This whole marital-mediation-thing? It’s a bunch of crap. Cam and I are fine. We always were. We’re solid. But my career needed a boost, so…and this was all my publicist’s idea…so we staged this whole ‘rocky marriage’ thing.”

“And?” Cassie was on pins and needles.

“And,” she continued, “my publicist thought my fans needed a new reason to root for me, and if they thought Cam and I were working through a rough time, and actually came out on top, it would boost record sales. I have a new album coming out in a month, so time’s a-wasting.”

“Why the wig?” I asked.

“I’m the mystery woman,” she said, as if it was obvious. “My husband is cheating on me
with me
. We needed a hussy for him to run around town with, but we couldn’t really trust anyone not to leak it to the press.”

“And why did you hire Steel?”

“Because it made it look more real. Think about it. If I hired the most private divorce firm in the city, then we must really be on the verge of a breakup, right? I even had to put on that show for you at Barneys because we knew the manager would leak it to
Pucker
immediately. I was expecting them to run photos of me having a meltdown on the floor of that dressing room.” She winked and went on. “Pretty good, huh? My agent wants me to do some movies next year, too, once the album’s out. I told him I’d think about it.”

“That is insane,” Josh said from the hall where he had overheard the entire story.

“Hey, what’s all the commotion?” Sheila trailed behind him, and then stopped midstride as if one shoe had been glued to the floor. “Oh my God! Lydia Johnson! Oh my God! Monica! Lydia Johnson is in your dining room! Oh my God, what are you doing here?”

“Hiding from people like you,” Jonathan answered for her.

“What do you want me to do, Lydia?” I asked. “I still don’t understand why you’re here.”

“I needed to hide, so the paparazzi wouldn’t figure out it’s me. They never got so close before. We need them to believe it’s still some ‘unidentified starlet.’ So I think I’m staying here for the night because the damn photographers are going crazy trying to find out who Cam’s mystery woman is, so they’ll probably be camped out on the lawn all night waiting for me to come out.”

“I think I’m gonna pass out,” Sheila told Josh, who just
shushed
her, before returning his attention to us.

“So you just want to stay here?” I asked Lydia, who had removed her fake eyelashes and deposited them beside the sugar bowl, making it look like a daddy-long-legs was about to crawl its way in.

“Basically.” She sniffed, and then leaned toward Alex, eyeing his cake. “Hey, that looks good. Are you gonna eat that?”

“Monica—” Sheila began with a huff, before I cut her off.

“Lydia, you can’t honestly expect to barge into my house and take over. This is out of control, even for you.”

“Monica,” Josh tried again.

“I’m sorry.” She raised her eyebrows and her voice, through a mouthful of Alex’s cake and with a glance toward Sheila. “But it’s not like your friends are disappointed that I’m here. I mean, this chick is about to have a coronary.”

“Monica!” Sheila howled.

“What?”
I swung in her direction.

“I’m not having a coronary…
phew, phew, phew
…I think I’m having
the baby!
”

“You’re what?” Jonathan leapt off his chair as if Sheila were about to blow chunks all over his brand-new tailored suit.

“Don’t be a jerk, Jonathan,” Cassie said, kneeling by Sheila’s side. “Honey, are you sure?”

“Her heartbeat is getting too rapid,” Josh said, checking his wristwatch against her pulse. “I need to get her to the hospital, now.”

“Monicaaa!” Sheila reached for my arm, and pulled me to her. “You have to come with me!”

“Of course I will. Of course! Let me, umm…let me get my keys.”

“No! Don’t let go of my hand,” Sheila squealed.

“I’ll drive so you can stay in the backseat and hold her hand,” Alex volunteered.

“I’ll come, too,” Luke blurted out. “So…so I can help you carry her to the car quicker!”

“You can’t leave me here alone,” Lydia interjected.

“Well then you’ll have to come with us,” I snapped.

“But I already took off my disguise!” Lydia freaked out. “The paparazzi will know it’s me!”

“I don’t give a damn about that right now, Lydia!” I shouted.

“I’m calling 911,” Jonathan announced frantically. “I’m calling 911!”

“Get a hold of yourself!” Cassie slapped him across the face. “You’re useless in an emergency…
useless!
”

“Actually, he should call 911, since we can’t fit that many people in Monica’s car,” Josh said, grabbing Sheila’s purse and coat from the closet.

“Are you hyperventilating?” Cassie asked Jonathan.

“Oooh!” Sheila moaned.

“I can’t get into a car without tinted windows looking like this, Monica. I can’t even go from the building to the car without a disguise unless I want the paparazzi getting pictures,” Lydia pressed. “They always hide out in the garages…It’ll be the end of my career if they find out I was the mystery woman!”

“Wait a minute,” Alex said, his eyes alight. “Do you still have all those Indian clothes in your closet? I have an idea.”

“I feel so exotic,” Lydia remarked about ten minutes later, as we sprinted across the front lawn and into the waiting ambulance.

She didn’t exactly look natural swathed in the red chiffon
lehnga
I had picked up in New Delhi on my last visit to the homeland, but at least the traditional head scarf was ample enough to cover her face.

“Just don’t get it dirty!” I yelled, gathering up the skirts of my own Sari to avoid tripping over it as the paramedics yanked us into the back of the ambulance, one by one. Of course, Lydia insisted that both Cassie and I also change into traditional garb and cover our faces to further confuse the score of photographers who’d leapt into action the second they saw the ambulance pull up. The only female face they could actually see, in fact, was Sheila’s, contorted with a mixture of anguish, fear and pride while being carried out in Luke’s arms.

But don’t feel so sorry for her. After all, the birth of her first child was about to be commemorated in tacky magazines and tabloid TV shows across Southern California. If it weren’t for the pain, that night would have been the high point of her life.

“I’m a doctor,” Josh announced to the paramedics, grabbing their CB radio and proceeding to spew a torrent of directions at the hospital staff on the other end of the line.

“Wait for us!” Cassie shoved Jonathan in behind me before hoisting herself in.

Alex jumped in last, pulling the doors shut. “Go!”

“You’ll be all right,” I cooed, and smoothed the sweat off Sheila’s brow. “Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“It’s never a dull moment with you, is it?” Luke asked from his spot to my left, as the siren roared to life and the ambulance leapt into traffic.

“This is Doctor Joshua Weiss, from the UCLA Medical Center E.R. My wife is in labor and we’re on our way to Cedars Sinai. I’ll need a stretcher waiting outside, and an epidural ready to go!” he barked over the radio. “Over!”

“That’s great, man.” Alex leaned in from the other side of me, steadying himself as we were jerked left and right. “This is the perfect time to make your move.
Actors
…”

“What is your problem?” Luke grew incensed.

“Shut up! Shut up, everyone!” Sheila clutched my hand so tightly it might actually have burst.

“Do you have an inhaler in this thing?” Cassie grabbed a terrified paramedic by the collar, motioning toward a wheezing Jonathan. “I think he might pass out.”

“Just try to breathe, baby.” Josh returned the attention to his wife. “Remember the breathing from Lamaze? Hee-hee-hee-hoo.”

“You!”
She unleashed a voice reminiscent of
Poltergeist.
“Get your hands off of me. So help me
God
I will stab you in your sleep if you ever try to touch me again!”

“Okay, honey.” He nodded, stroking her hand. “That’s fine. Whatever you say, I know it’s the pain talking.”

“Shut
up!
”

Clearly rattled, he looked helplessly at me from across her belly.

“Hey, what did you get her as a push present?” Lydia whispered into his ear, thinking that somehow in this five-foot-by-five-foot space, the rest of us wouldn’t hear.

“She’s dilated too far,” the paramedic between Sheila’s legs announced before Josh could venture an answer. “We’re gonna have to get this baby out now.”

“Wait! Let me do it!” Josh tried to climb across Lydia to the other side of his wife.

“No,” the paramedic told him and held him back by a shoulder. “With all due respect, Doctor Weiss, you work from the neck up, and let me deal with the rest.”

“Wait, what?” I said. “You mean
now?
You mean you’re gonna deliver the baby
here?
”

“We won’t make it to the hospital in time, ma’am,” the paramedic explained. “So I’m gonna need two of you to get down here and grab a hold of her legs so that she can push.”

“Lydia—” I swallowed after a pause “—it looks like it’s you and me.”

“Me?” Lydia was like a deer caught in the headlights. “Why me?”

“Josh has to stay up there, Cassie’s trying to revive Jonathan and I’m pretty sure that my cousin doesn’t want my ex-boyfriend or my fling from last weekend getting that familiar with her…you know…
parts!
” I explained while climbing across Luke’s lap to get to Sheila’s left leg.

“My parts?” Sheila questioned Josh rhetorically.

“Your fling?” Alex asked territorially, as if he could possibly have still known me well enough after all these years to judge or be shocked by my behavior. “You had a fling already? In the one week that you’ve been single?”

“Your
fling?
” Luke repeated, his self-defense instinct kicking in. “Is that what you’re telling yourself?”

I had had enough.

“Just get over here!” I ordered, and Lydia reluctantly complied, lifting Sheila’s right foot up against her shoulder and hunkering down.

“Now, Sheila.” The paramedic eyed us all into silence. “On the count of three, I’m gonna need you to push with everything you’ve got….”

I leaned my shoulder into Sheila’s other foot, shot a steadying glance at Josh, and then nodded at the paramedic, thinking:
May God, Vishnu and Adonai have mercy on us all.

“Would you like to do the honors?” The paramedic waved a stainless steel clamp in Josh’s direction, as we pulled into the driveway of Cedars Sinai about thirty minutes later.

Tearfully, he reached over and snipped off the cord.

“I can’t believe I have a daughter.” He kissed every one of his wife’s white-knuckled fingers. “I’m somebody’s
dad
.”

“Asha,” Sheila whispered. “Asha Weiss.”

“Okay,” the paramedic said, wrapping the baby up in a blanket before the back doors flew open. “Let’s get Mom and her new baby inside that hospital.”