All Good Things Absolved
Read All Good Things Absolved Online
Authors: Alannah Carbonneau
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Erotica, #Romantic Erotica, #Novel
All Good Things Absolved
By Alannah Carbonneau
Copyright 2013 Alannah Carbonneau
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was purchased for your use only, then please return and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents
Some say your life flashes before your eyes when you're mere moments from walking through deaths doors. But that's not what happened for me. For me, my life flashed before my eyes when I heard the news. It was earthshattering, groundbreaking, shiver inducing and plain old frightening.
I was freaking terrified.
But not only did my life flash before my eyes - every memory I had lived up to this moment - every detail of my life - significant or not - raced through my mind as though I were sitting and watching them pass by on a big screen. All my life I'd longed for freedom. And just as I stepped on the platform, feeling a breeze in my hair and a weight lift in my heart - my future flashed before my eyes. It was filled with restraints, responsibilities and a lot of late nights and exhausted mornings. In a moment one might consider blissful - my every dream was robbed from me. Every delusional, fabricated image I'd crafted of how my life would play out was shattered. I was left completely stripped of all my hopes and dreams by a life growing inside of me. A life I should cherish with all my being. A life I couldn't seem to accept.
Fear turned quickly to revulsion as I stared at the little life-altering stick David held out to me with wide eyes. I hated that stick. I wanted to scream and cry and stomp on the stick, but instead, I stood against the clinic bed completely exempt of all possible movement. Beside me, I felt Jace reach out for the stick. His hand came into my line of sight. His fingers closed around the little white staff and he brought it closer to him, past my head. I knew he was inspecting the twig-like piss stick...but was he happy or angry? He said he wanted kids - but surely he wasn't ready yet. Surely he was upset about this?
The ability to speak found me, and movement followed soon after. "Give that thing to me." I snatched it from Jace before bringing it close to my face. The fact that I'd peed on it only minutes before completely eluded me. In light of the crushing reality weighing down on my heart, a little piss on a stick was nothing. If this thing turned out to be correct, there would soon be piss everywhere. And poop. And throw-up. And crying.
Oh. My. God.
I shook my head, struggling to see more then the one pink line. There was only one. I was certain there was supposed to be two if I was pregnant. Right? There should be one for me and one for the...bean.
I looked up to David, feeling anger settle in the pit of my stomach. "Is this a joke?"
He frowned. "Pardon me?"
"There's only one line, David." My voice shook, filled to the brim with panic. "One line. I'm not pregnant. There's only one line."
"Olivia, calm down." He stood from his stool to point at the small white screen. "You see that line there?" He asked. I squinted. It wasn't really a line - more of a faint projection. Maybe there was something wrong with this stick. I shook it. "It's blurry and not nearly as strong as this line, but there are still two. You're pregnant."
"I can't be." I whispered. My newfound excitement that maybe David had been wrong was quickly spiraling down to the ground. Or maybe plummeting was a better word. Hell if I knew. Through my numb state of shock, Jace's hands wound around my waist. He pulled me to face him before looking at David.
"Can we have a moment?"
"Of course." David moved quickly from the room, shutting the door behind him.
Jace slid a finger under my chin. "Tell me your thoughts."
"My thoughts?" I laughed on a high pitch. He wanted my thoughts? Hell, I didn't even know my thoughts. Why the hell was he so calm? Why wasn't he freaking out like me?
"Yes, Angel." Jace's blue eyes searched mine. "Your thoughts."
"I don't know, Jace."
"We promised to be always honest, Angel." He reminded me. My stomach clenched. Yes, we had promised that. But sometimes honesty was painful. I didn't want to hurt him and I had an inkling he would be mighty hurt and extremely angry if I were to tell him the cold hard truth. I didn't want a baby. I didn't want this baby.
I wasn't ready.
Tears welled in my eyes. They were hot and they blurred Jace's seraphic image from my vision. I felt panicked. "I don't want this."
I was shaking now, but I couldn't control it. I was angry and scared and downright frustrated with God for allowing this to happen to me. Why was this happening to me? I'd done everything right! I'd taken my pills daily and at the same time! I never forgot about them. The thought of children had always sparked a terror in me and I had made damn certain I wouldn't get pregnant so I wouldn't have to face my fear. But damn...after all my hard work...this was where I stood. Pregnant.
"Angel," Jace tightened his hold on me, bringing his lips to my forehead. "You will be an amazing mother and wife."
I froze. My anger quickly bled to astonishment. "You're happy about this?"
Jace pulled away to look down into my eyes. "Of course," he frowned. "Why wouldn't I be? This is you and me, Angel." His hand moved from my hip to my stomach. I wanted to pull away from his touch, but I couldn't move. I was floored. "We made this together. This is us. This is our chance to be everything our parents weren't."
How was I supposed to explain that this wasn't a chance for me? This...thing...growing inside me was robbing me of my future. There was no chance in this. There was nothing to look forward to - diapers, formula and midnight crying - no thanks. Not for me.
I pushed his hand from my stomach and turned my back to him. It was easier to say the words I knew I had to say when I wasn't looking at him. "I told you I didn't want children, Jace. Did you think I was joking?"
"I sincerely hope you're not about to say what I think you're about to suggest, Olivia." Jace's tone was calm and even. There was no room for argument, but I would try to squeeze one in regardless.
"This is my body, Jace." I reminded him as the tears overflowed from my eyes to stream down my face. "It's my choice." My steady calm broke at the word choice and my voice cracked.
Jace's hands were suddenly grasping my waist. He turned me to face him and my heart stopped. His eyes were blazing with rage and his body shook with anger. His face was flushed and his jaw was clenched tight. He spoke through tightly clenched teeth. "This body - your body - is carrying
my
child, Olivia.
Our
child." I could hear his struggle for calm in his every word and I hated myself for bringing him to this point. But he had to understand. I was twenty-two. I wasn't ready for a child. I had so much of my life left to live. "I will never hear those words come from your mouth ever again. Do you understand me?" He shook me for measure. "This child will be born and it will be loved. By you and me."
I looked directly into his eyes, hoping he could see my desperation. This wasn't easy for me. I knew it was killing him to think I didn't want his child...but it was killing me too. "I'm sorry, Jace." I shook my head. "But I can't be a mother. I don't have it in me. To have this baby would be cruel."
"You're being fucking ridiculous." He released me from his grip to drag a hand through his hair before turning to face me. His eyes were desperate, misted. He was pale and his hands shook. He dropped to his knees before me, clutching desperately at my hips, pulling my body into his face, he nuzzled my stomach. Seeing him so undone over this was the worst thing, by far, that I had lived through. I knew if I continued on with my track of thought; if I continued to believe I could go through an abortion, it would be the straw that broke the camels back. If there was one thing our relationship couldn't survive it would be the abortion of this child. Of that I was certain. "Please don't take this away from me, from us." His pleading voice met my ears and my tears fell harder, dripping from my chin. "I can't live through the death of another child. I can't live knowing I killed another child."
My heart tore in two. "Jace," my hands delved into his hair. "God, it's not you doing this. It's me. I'm not ready. You've never killed a child. Lexie miscarried."
His face tilted back to look up at me. "If it weren't for my ways the child would have lived, Olivia."
"No, Jace." I shook my head. "It was not a strong fetus. It happened for a reason."
"And this?" He asked. "What is the reason for this?"
I was robbed of words. How could I do this to him? My strong, capable man was a ruin over the thought of losing his unborn child. He would surely loathe me if I took this chance from him. The chance to be what I knew with certainty he wanted to become more than anything - a father. Could I live with myself if I took this away from him?
At the thought, I was brought to my knees. I was level with him on the floor now and his tortured eyes met mine. "I'm scared." I whispered.
"Fuck, Angel." He caught my face in his hands. "I know. I am too. But, I'm also so happy."
"This changes everything." I spoke through my sobs. "How are we going to do this?"
"We can do anything together, Angel." He set his forehead against mine. "We can do this."
A knock sounded on the door and Jace pressed his lips against mine. It was a kiss of strength. And I drank it up as though I was starved. He pulled away, picking me up as he stood. "Come in."
David appeared in the doorway, looking mildly uncomfortable. "Now, I know this has come as a shock. There is a possibility the test was incorrect. The line is faint so we'll have to confirm with a blood test."
Now he tells me it's not one hundred percent. Now he tells me there is a chance I'm not pregnant - when I finally find a semblance of acceptance.
Jace spoke. "When can we take the blood test?"
David looked to me. "We can get it done now?"
I knew he was asking a question, but I simply didn't have it in me to answer. I didn't move or speak. I couldn't. There was a part of me that was still in shock. Was I, or wasn't I pregnant? And what was I going to do? Because I knew...without a doubt, I couldn't abort this child. Our child. I couldn't abort the bean.
That left me with only one option. Only one option Jace would find acceptable. In a short nine months - I would become the one thing I feared more than any other. I would become a mother.
Jace rubbed my back, pulling me from my thoughts. "Are you feeling well enough to get your blood taken now?"
He was asking? What happened to my demanding control freak? I nodded. "I suppose I should get it over with."
He nodded with a soft smile before looking to David. "We'll do it now."
He nodded. "Come with me. I'll take it personally."
We followed David through the halls to a small cubby-like room with a chair and a computer. "Set your arm up here on table."
I shook my head. I was suddenly unwilling to give him my arm. I'd never been one to like needles. They made me feel all hot and squeamish. "Can you take it from my hand? I prefer that to my arm."
David raised his brows. "It hurts more from the hand."
"I know." I shook my head, giving him my hand instead of my arm. "I don't care."
Jace shifted his stance against the counter he leaned on. "Are you certain, Angel?"
"I am." I was feeling a little dizzy. "Get it over with."
"All right," David set to work gathering the needle and tube. He set it up, tied my arm with a rubbery band before tapping the top of my hand where an already large blue vein sat protruding from my skin. The sight made me queasy and I struggled to maintain control of my convulsing stomach.
I looked away from the needle as it pricked my skin and before I knew it, my head lolled to the side. Whoa, I was really dizzy and hot and weak. I hadn't had my blood taken in forever. I couldn't even handle a little prick in my hand. How the hell was I going to handle childbirth? Oh, please God - let the test be negative.
Negative. Negative. Negative. Please. Please. Please.
I repeated the words in my mind until I felt the needle pull from my skin.