All I Desire is Steven (3 page)

"Are you going to answer that?" Thomas asked as he nudged Steven.

"Oh. I guess I didn't hear it." Steven answered the phone but the person had already hung up.

"What is up with you today?" Thomas asked as he turned from his computer to face Steven. "You are like a million miles away."

Steven didn't really have anyone to talk to so he felt his coworker was the closest thing to a friend that he had. "You remember that tall beautiful man who you set me up with Friday?"

Thomas nodded. "Yeah, you mean Dr. Russell's brother?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, what about it, did the date go okay?"

"Actually it was amazing, so great that we had dinner at his house last night."

"Okay. So what is the problem?"

"Well after dinner we were watching a movie on the couch hugged up and I kissed him. But when it started to go a little further, he got very uncomfortable and asked me to leave."

"I see," Thomas said as he sat back in his chair. "You think there was a chance you were going too fast for him? I mean you did just meet Friday and had your first date on Saturday. Maybe he isn't ready to be that intimate right away."

Steven sighed as he put his hand on his cheek. "I guess. I mean I normally couldn't see myself moving that fast with a man either, but it's different with him. I feel like we truly connect on a whole different level. I thought he felt the same way."

"Maybe you should talk to him about it."

"I would, but then I also keep thinking about what happened at dinner as well."

Thomas looked at Steven, waiting for him to continue.

"At dinner, he had to go to use the phone. He told someone he loved him, and that he would be home soon. He said it was his brother and I believed him, but now, I just… I don't know. I feel so confused."

"Wow, that is a tough one, and unfortunately I don't know what to say. I think you should just talk to him and tell him how you feel."

A patient walked up to the counter and Thomas turned back towards the desk, leaving Steven to wander back into thought. Maybe he did in fact move too fast for James. Steven made a promise to himself that if he got another chance, he would take things a lot slower.

Later that afternoon Steven finally got off work. He drove home wondering if he would ever see James again. He thought about going to his house to apologize but he felt that would be too desperate and maybe James needed some time.

As Steven arrived home he was shocked to find James sitting on the front steps. James sat up and walked towards Steven as Steven got out of his car and tried to get his thoughts together.

"Steven," James said as he approached him.

"Yeah."

"Look, I wanted to call you all day, but I thought it would be better if I came to you in person. I just… got nervous."

"Really, why?" Steven asked with a wide eyed expression.

"There's something I need to tell you," James said as he grabbed Steven's hand.

"It's okay James. I know I was moving too fast for you." Steven said as he grabbed James' other hand. "We can take it slow. We don't have to do anything until you are ready."

"But, Steven I—"

"Shh," Steven whispered as he hugged James. "You don't have to explain anything to me." Steven kissed James on the cheek.

James was left speechless as he gave into the hug and kiss that Steven gave him.

Over the next few weeks, Steven and James grew closer as they saw each other more and more. They had crossed the line from casual dating and were now in a serious relationship. Yet, as much as Steven cared for James, he couldn’t shake the feeling that James was hiding something. There was a slight whisper in the back of his mind that kept telling him something wasn’t quite right and James wasn’t being open with him, but his feelings for James often made him overlook or even ignore the signs.

Steven remembered a time where he and James were spending the night together, and James had to go to the bathroom. Steven remembered hearing the phone vibrate on his counter, and even though he didn’t want to be nosey he could help but look at the message. It was from his brother saying "Did you tell him yet?" Steven felt so uneasy but he couldn’t bring up the message without letting James know that he went through his phone without his permission. And so Steven found himself between a rock and a hard place. If they couldn’t trust each other, they could not have a real relationship.

Then there was a time shortly after that where James cancelled on Steven's date because he said he was sick, so being the guy Steven was, he made him something to eat in case James was unable to cook. Steven packed up his goodies for James and arrived at James's house only to find a gorgeous guy at the front door with him. Steven walked up to them.

"Hi there." Steven said cautiously.

"Steven." James said, shocked. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to bring you some food and stuff to make you feel better." Steven said as he traded glances between James and the unknown man.

"Oh, well thank you so much." James said. 

"Who is this?" Steven asked calmly, doing his best to seem friendly and not suspicious.

"This is my… friend Alex."

"Hello," Alex said with a wave.

"He was just visiting." James said.

"Yes, and I was just about to leave." Alex said as he took a step.

"No, don't let me scare you off." Steven replied as he patted Alex on the shoulder. "I just came to bring James here some food and that's all." Steven said as he placed the food in James's hands and walked away.

Steven ended up getting a call from James later but still felt deeply annoyed that James didn’t bother to mention what had happened earlier on, and Steven didn’t want to bring it up in fear of him looking like an untrusting boyfriend. Yet when Steven hung up with James, he couldn’t help but feel hopeless. He didn’t know what to do. It was obvious that something was odd about James, but Steven didn’t know what, and even so, it wasn’t just about his actions away from Steven but with him as well. Steven knew they would get intimate soon, but he never thought it would take as long as it was taking. It was like every time Steven would try to even get close to James, he would get pushed away. Like he was afraid of being intimate with him or something.
Was he a virgin and afraid? Nah that couldn’t be it.
Steven thought as he agonized over his relationship with James.

As time went on, Steven decided to let everything go thinking it was his mind running away with him. James was a sweet guy to him and gave him no hard evidence to hurt him, but even with Steven moving on from his trust issues with James, he still couldn’t get over the fact that he and James had not been intimate yet.

After a few nights of great dates Steven and James ended up at Steven's house for drinks again. It was like déjà vu because a horror flick was playing, drinks were on the table and Steven was in James's arms looking up at him as he thought about how much he cared for the man.

"James," Steven whispered as he reached his hand out to slowly turn James' face towards him.

"Yes," James said as his looked at Steven.

"I love you so much."

James picked up the remote and turned the movie off. "I love you too Steven."

Those words echoed through Steven's ears to his heart and he just couldn't deal anymore. He wanted to be intimate with James. Steven burned with lust and desire, wondering what James tasted like. He yearned with passion at the very thought of James and him connecting physically. He'd had enough. Steven just couldn't contain himself any longer.

Steven leaned over and gave James a sweet, gentle kiss as he caressed the side of his face. Before he could even realize what he was doing, he had leaned over and placed his body in James lap, kissing his lips, alternating from his lips to his cheek and neck and back again. Steven could feel the bulge growing in James's pants under him and it drove Steven insane.

He began to unbutton James's shirt as he kissed him, but James grabbed Steven's hands.

"Steven, I can't," James said as he tried to stop his shirt from being unbuttoned.

"Yes you can," Steven said as he broke his hands away and continued to undo James' shirt and began kissing his chest. James moaned in pleasure as Steven began to lick his nipples and Steven made his way to James' pants as he began to undo his belt.

Steven almost had James's pants undone when all of a sudden he felt James's hand abruptly back him off.

"I said I can't!" He pushed Steven to the side and stood up from off the couch.

"What is wrong with you?" Steven asked.

James began to button his shirt, and redo his belt. "No means no Steven."

Steven got off the couch and stood up. "I just don't get it! Why don't you want to be intimate with me?"

"Because… I just can't," James said as he looked away.

"That's not good enough for me anymore!" Tears began to flow down Steven's face. "I mean, is it me? Are you not attracted to me? Is it someone else?"

James shook his head. "No, Steven it's not any of those things."

"Then why?! Why James?! Why can't we make love to each other?!"

"Because." James said.

Steven yelled and stomped his foot to the floor. "Because what?!"

"Because I have AIDS, okay!"

The room fell silent. The tension was now replaced with absolute shock. Steven looked in confusion at James as he collapsed down to the couch. He shook his head slightly in disbelief as he scanned a nervous James up and down.

Steven tried his hardest to get his words together. "Y-you… you, what?"

"I have AIDS," James said as he grabbed Steven's hand. "That's why I didn't want to go there with you. I wanted to talk to you about it before we decided to become intimate."

Steven looked into James's eyes and as James spoke, anger began to swell up inside Steven.

"Before we decided to become intimate?" Steven said with disgust. "You really think if I had known you had AIDS, I would have still wanted to be intimate with you? I wouldn't have even given you the time of day." He jerked his hand away.

"What?" James said confusedly.

"You heard me. You really think that I'm going to risk my life just to be with someone who was probably putting their dick in everything that moved? You are out of your fucking mind. I can't believe how wrong I was about you. I actually thought you were a good guy." Steven was so angry his body was shaking; he could barely control his breathing. His heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest as he tried to control his rage. He was so furious by what in his mind was betrayal.

Steven watched as James's expression changed. James didn’t say a word, but rather he slowly walked towards the door. Steven could only feel himself getting angrier, but as James reached to open the door, he paused. Steven looked on as James seemed to stare at the door for a moment. Steven was about to say something when James slowly turned around revealing a tearful face.

"You know, it's funny," James said as he gave a slight laugh while his tears flowed down his face. "My brother was just telling me that there are some guys out there who would understand my situation and love me anyhow, and not just see me for the disease. I am thirty years old and have spent the last fifteen years alone because of the fear of how people would react to me. Never telling anyone, never confiding in anyone, just living my life to the best of my ability. Then I meet you. Someone who I thought would really see me for me and not my disease. Someone who I could talk to and give my love to. Someone who I could tell that I never slept around. I was born with the disease. I had it all my life, but no. Once anyone hears the word AIDS, they treat you like a plague, like you're some dirty vile creature. I never asked for this and God knows I don't want it, but I thought finally I had found a true love. I guess I was wrong about you too."

Steven's anger quickly subsided as he stood to his feet and began to walk towards James.

"No, stay where you are," James said as he put his hands out. "We are pretty much done here."

"James, why didn't you just tell me before hand? Then it wouldn't have happened like this." Steven said as tears began to swell in his eyes as well.

James gave a slight laugh. "Because like you said earlier, you wouldn't have never even given me the time of day. I just wanted someone to know me first. I wanted you to see me for me. I wanted you to hear my story before you came to your own conclusion. I really loved you Steven…"

James's tears continued to fall as Steven tears joined him. Steven was just going back in his head still trying to make sense of it all. James opened the door and took a step out.

"James." Steven called. "I… I don't know what to say."

"Believe me, you said enough." James gave a laugh while turning back to head out.

"I'm sorry," Steven whispered.

James turned back around as he walked back inside towards Steven. He put his hands on Steven's face as he caressed him gently while looking into his eyes. Both men became overwhelmed in sadness and in tears.

"Me too." James whispered as he gave Steven a kiss on the forehead and made his way out the door. Steven looked on while a broken James walked out. The moment the door shut behind him, Steven felt himself overwhelmed as he fell to the floor in agony. His heart was broken and so was his spirit. He wailed with his hands in his head as if a part of him had died. His body shook as he cried, creating a puddle on the living room floor. He cried for hours until his exhaustion took over and put him to sleep.

Steven woke up the next day in a daze. He felt like all the life had been sucked out of him. It took all the strength he had just to get up off the floor. He managed to pull himself up and stagger to the shower. As the warm water ran over his body, more tears fell from his eyes. He felt so broken.

Steven put on some clothes and got himself together for work. He was an hour late, but he didn't even care anymore. There was a time when being late would have bothered him but today it was just a job to him, and he didn't care if he worked there or not anymore.

He eventually made it to the clinic, but as soon as he stepped in the door, he saw Dr. Russell in front of the front desk.