All I Need (Hearts of the South) (28 page)

“Yeah.” Pantone reached back to pinch him again, and he swatted her hand away. “Where do you get off volunteering all three of us?”

“Quit doing that. It stings and it leaves marks.” He spread his hands, laughter lightening his eyes. “What was I supposed to say? I can tell Miss Ella no, but she, Miss Maureen, and Mrs. Lenora cornered me, at work, with Calvert right there.”

“We’re gonna get on that stage and the roof will fall in.”

Savannah watched from the edges, her chest hurting. Amy slipped an arm around her waist. She’d been so stupid, wanting to be his friend, his lover, without any emotional risk, and both of those required trust and openness. They really had neither, had gone the wrong way about the whole thing. She’d been so arrogant, planning to move forward from her own grief on her own terms, and now she was stuck in a mess she didn’t know how to get out of. She couldn’t extricate herself without hurting both of them.

And she didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already had been.

Amy squeezed her waist. “Hey, Clark, how long before we eat? Do Savannah and I have time to walk down and look at your dock?”

“Definitely.” He gestured at the pans. “Those have to rest a few more minutes, and we’re waiting on Mackey. He’s on his way.”

“Mackey’s hanging with us?” Emmett popped a walnut in his mouth.

“Yeah, we took pity on him.” Pantone levered to a standing position. “Your sister, who has snakes in her head, was going to dinner with Haley and was getting a piece of him in the parking lot when I left the hospital, and I don’t mean in a good way.”

“Come on.” Amy drew Savannah toward the bank of doors at the back of the room. “Let’s go look at the river.”

Outside, cool damp night air wrapped around them. A set of wooden steps meandered down the steep slope to the dock, where a quad of Adirondack chairs sat in a semicircle. The night breeze rippled through a deep-throated wind chime. Under and around the dock, the river murmured and whispered along its way. Savannah sank down on the edge of one chair and rested her mouth in both hands. She pulled in a couple of deep draughts of air scented with river and pine.

Amy relaxed into the chair next to her. “What’s wrong?”

Hands still covering her mouth, Savannah shook her head. Everything was too close to the surface, and if she spoke, she might break down and cry. Her sister sat with her in silence broken only by the music of wind and river. After a few moments, the emotional fracture seemed fairly under control, and she sucked in another deep breath. “Oh, Ames, I’ve screwed up so bad.”

“How?”

She rubbed her hands together, trying to piece together all the clues. “We’re sleeping together, and he’s such a good guy…and oh my God, his relationship with his dad…and he’s leasing this house next door and he wanted me to look at it with him. I cannot do this, and I can’t get out of it, either.”

“I’m not sure I see the problem.”

“I’m hurting him, Amy, and I don’t know how. I only know I am.”

“Of course you are.”

Her anxiety flared into anger. “What do you mean,
of course I am
? I am not deliberately trying to hurt him. I wouldn’t do that to anyone—”

“Calm down.” Amy’s tone forbade argument. “You told me once I was self-centered and a little blind to those around me. You’re in the same place at the moment, and
that’s
why you’re hurting him. Of course it’s not deliberate. That’s not you. Once you can really see beyond yourself and see him, it’ll fall into place.”

“I am not self-centered.”

Amy snorted, a decidedly unladylike sound of disgust. “You went into this whole relationship thinking only of what you were going to get out of it and you’re only really looking at what he needs now because it hurts
your
feelings that it’s hurting him. I don’t know what else you’d call that.”

“God, I hate you.”

“I hate you more.” A whimsical smile tipped up the corners of Amy’s mouth.

“This is not funny, Amy.”

“No, it’s actually really sad.”

Savannah narrowed her eyes. “You see something I don’t.”

“I do, simply because I’m not as close to the situation as you are.”

“What am I missing? Tell me what to do.”

“I can’t.” Her sister gave a helpless shrug. “I mean, I could, but it wouldn’t help you. It’s like the difference between knowing what faith is and understanding what faith is. You’d slough it off or run. You’re going to have to figure this one out for yourself.”

Above them, headlights flashed across the house. Amy nodded up the hill. “We should get back.”

Back into the lions’ den with no more answers than she’d had when she’d walked out.

Mackey was entering the kitchen as they slipped inside. He accepted a beer from Clark and saluted Emmett with it. “Your sister is a damn piece of work.”

“You were with her a year, and you’re only now figuring that out? And you didn’t have anything to do with making her a damn piece of work, did you?” Emmett draped his arm around Savannah’s shoulders and pulled her into his side. He rubbed his palm up and down her upper arm, chafing warmth into her air-cooled skin. She wrapped her arm around his waist, needing the contact with him. The affectionate nearness almost felt normal.

“Cut him some slack, Em. And no bitching, Mackey.” Pantone moved to help Clark dish up steaming slices of lasagna. “You created that mess by getting involved with her when you were on the rebound. She made it worse by getting married in a rush on the rebound, but still.”

“Thanks, Nikki.” Mackey drained half the beer in one gulp. “Not like I needed anything to make my night worse.”

“Anytime.” She tossed him a cheeky grin over her shoulder, then paused, waving the spatula. “That’s why I have the no-rebound rule, you know. Think about how bad that would be, though—being with someone and you don’t know if they’re thinking of the other person while you’re together or wishing you were that person or whatever. Ugh.”

She ended the rant with an exaggerated shiver of revulsion. Next to Savannah, Emmett had gone absolutely rigid, and an awful certainty settled in her consciousness. The remainder of the evening passed in a miserable blur. Clark’s lasagna might be unbelievable, but if so, any deliciousness was lost on her. They spent some time after dinner on the deck around the firebowl with coffee and slices of cheesecake, but the light banter and laughter went over Savannah’s head. All of her thoughts remained focused on the man sitting beside her on the wooden swing, his arm about her shoulders.

What was he thinking?

At one point, Pantone insisted the three of them practice the song they were supposed to sing during the upcoming church service. Troy Lee retrieved his guitar from his vehicle and handed it to Emmett, who’d moved to sit next to Pantone on one of the padded loungers. “You know how to play that, right?”

Emmett fixed him with a look, exasperated. “If I can play a bass, I can play a six-string.”

They worked through the praise song a couple of times, Emmett strumming the melody, their voices blending beautifully. Savannah homed in on his voice, singing of wanting nothing more than worship. He seemed calmer, more centered with each note, and as they descended the steps to the driveway, he appeared almost normal.

Now she was the one tied in tense knots.

In the darkness of the truck, the questions hovered on her tongue, but he’d all but begged for space tonight. She couldn’t pile on simply to put her own mind at ease.

Back home, standing on the walkway before their apartments, she caught his hand and drew him to her. She didn’t want him alone tonight. She leaned up to touch her mouth to his. “Stay with me.”

He tangled one hand in her hair and held her lips under his. She framed his face with her palms.

“I want you,” she murmured against his mouth. “I want
you
, Em.”

On a groan, he sank further into the kiss, and after a moment, she led him inside, down the hall and to her bed. Determined to impart how badly she wanted him, she touched and tasted all of him, finally straddling him and taking him as deeply into her body as she could, to that point where she wasn’t sure he ended and she began. She thrust down over him, a slow, wet slide, until he tightened beneath her on the onslaught of a helpless climax. Only then did she let go and let the pleasure take her as well.

Wrapped together, they fell asleep. As usual, they surfaced together a few minutes before the alarm. She ran her hand up and down his side, unwilling to leave him in uncertainty.

“Em, what Pantone was saying last night about being with someone and not knowing if they’re thinking of someone else…” She rested her lips against his pectoral. “That’s what’s wrong, isn’t it?”

“Part of it.” He rested an arm across his eyes.

“It’s not true. I miss him, but I don’t wish you were him. I don’t think about him when I’m with you.” She didn’t know how to make him believe. Desperate, she propped up on her elbow and moved his arm aside so she could see his eyes. “I don’t.”

“I believe you.” His voice emerged hoarse and husked with sleep, but the wall remained. “I don’t expect you not to miss him, Savannah. You loved him. That doesn’t just go away.”

The missing piece slanted into place.
You loved him
.
Look at
me.

Oh, God.

She stared into blue eyes completely laid bare. “You’re in love with me, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” His throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “I knew it the night Landra came home.”

“Oh.” The pained sound escaped her lips, and she sat up, a hand over her heart. God, why did this
hurt
?

“I know you don’t love me, and it doesn’t matter.” He pushed up to sit against the headboard, but didn’t touch her. “I’m committed, Savannah. I decided I’d rather live with it than without you.”

“I don’t want that for you,” she whispered.

“Then you have to be the one to go.” He rested his wrists on his updrawn knees. “Because I won’t leave.”

“I can’t leave you.” The words fell from her lips before she’d even thought, and his lashes fell, a spasm of something—pain? fear?—twisting his features. Tears clogged her throat. “What do we do?”

“Let it ride. Let me love you.”

“It’s not fair.” She shook her head. Take that from him when she couldn’t give anything back? “That means I’m taking.”

“No, it means I’m giving and you’re receiving.” He did touch her then, reaching to cup the back of her neck and pull her near, his nose against her temple. “I just need to know you’re not going to leave me because of it. If I know that, I’ll be fine.”

She lifted her own hands to tangle in his hair. “No, I’m not going to leave you.”

He nodded, skin moving against hers. “Then we do today.”

* * * * *

Her version of doing today involved a flood of minor health complaints in the ER, coupled with the fallout of discovering HR had not only hired them a set of new nurses, but that Landra Washburn was one of them. She was skilled and apparently excellent at her job, but her effect on Mackey could only be described as detrimental.

Savannah cornered them in exam one after a public sniping exchange in the hallway. The door closed behind her with a quiet thud, and she leaned on it, arms crossed over her chest. “Okay, here’s the deal. You’re both too good to let this shit go on here. I don’t care what you say to each other after hours, but here you have to act like the professionals we all know you are. And we’re not leaving this room until we’re all in agreement.”

Landra folded her arms and deliberately turned her face away from Mackey, who rested his hands at his hips and blew out a long breath. He met Savannah’s gaze, his own irritated and resigned. “You’re right.”

Posture tightening, Landra cut her eyes at him, but remained silent.

Mackey glanced at her, his own expression unhappy. “Landra.”

“I shouldn’t have put in for this position.” She drew her arms impossibly close over her midriff. Her scrub sleeve shifted, revealing healing bruises in shades of purple and yellow. “I knew it wouldn’t work, but I need a job and there aren’t tons out there.”

“We can make it work.” Mackey shrugged when she glared at him. “We can. I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me in the first place, when you didn’t want
me
.” With her face turned away from him again, Landra blinked hard, and Savannah figured Mackey didn’t see the sheen of tears in her blue eyes. “We wouldn’t even be in this mess if you’d taken that damn high road you’re so proud of.”

“I did want you.” Mackey’s words emerged low and rough.

“No, you used me to make yourself feel better about what you couldn’t have.”

“That’s not true.” He glanced sideways at Savannah. “And this is not the time or place to hash this out.”

Somehow, Savannah figured they’d had this same argument over and over. The words sounded tired and worn, similar to Landra’s dejected expression.