All In (23 page)

“
Y
ou can’t keep calling
in sick,” Lo reminded her as Cass shoved another pickle in her mouth. They were at her favorite deli, and as much as she normally enjoyed the fare, she didn’t really taste anything.

“I’m not. I put in for two weeks vacation,” she took another bite, allowing the garlic and dill to pleasantly assault her tastebuds.

“Honey, you’re avoiding. You only go home when you know he’s at work. You’re not answering his calls. No texts. You need to deal with this.”

Cass glared at her best friend. “Since when are you on the Maddox bandwagon?”

“Since I know what’s good for you, and this isn’t good for either of you.”

“I signed the contract.” Cass shifted the topic. She didn’t want to talk about Maddox. She didn’t want to deal with Maddox. Her heart ached every time she thought about him, which was, to be honest, most of the time. His lack of support was a stabbing betrayal. She knew she probably hadn’t picked the best time to tell him. She knew he had separation issues. He didn’t deal well with people leaving him, but she didn’t expect him to crap all over her plan. She knew he wouldn’t take it well, but still…

“Good for you,” Lo grabbed her own pickle before Cass ate them all. “When do you start?”

“Two months. They gave me 8 weeks to get my shit together.”

Lo grinned. “And how long before you take me with you?”

Cass laughed. “Ace would kill me, Lo. But, you know, as soon as I can…” she offered her friend a wicked grin. A pact was a pact, and where either of them went, the other would follow. Cass wouldn’t leave Lo to work under Phil’s thumb any longer than she had to.

“I’m gonna miss you so much, bitch.”

“Honey, I’ll be working down the street. You know we’ll still see each other almost every day.”

“Not the same.”

“No, not the same,” Cass agreed. Nothing would be the same.

“Now, back to Maddox…”

Cass sighed.

* * *

S
he threw
her keys down on the counter and grabbed the tequila from the cabinet. She’d gone to the office to put in her notice, knowing Maddox was out at some sales meeting. It was chickenshit of her, but she still wasn’t ready to face him. Her heart was cracked, and she couldn’t deal with it shattering. Not now when everything was coming together for her professionally.

Phil smirked when he’d read her letter and she told him where she was going. She was ready for that. Limerick wasn’t a shiny firm like Ace. It wasn’t prestigious, and it didn’t hold a ton of weight in the industry. It was a cute little boutique firm that had a small client base. While Phil saw it as a step down, she didn’t. Sandra O’Leary was smart, and she was building a good team. She wasn’t looking for a quick rise to the top where there was a lot of potential for crash and burn. She took her time, building a strong team of top professionals who were just on the cusp of success. She saw potential and pounced on it. In her gut, Cass knew this was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up. She knew she could make this company great and take her design to new levels.

So it was easy to just grin back at Phil’s smarmy face and tell him how excited she was for her new opportunity. She didn’t say thank you. She didn’t say she loved working for him…all that bullshit that people say when they leave. She let her letter of resignation speak for her, and she left the office with her back straight and pride flying.

Too bad her heart felt so heavy—drowning in the depths of her heartache—when she passed by Maddox’s dark office. They’d come so far in the past months. She’d set aside her reservations and anxieties, and she’d opened herself up to him. The first man in years to make her feel safe. And then he’d shit all over it. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that he was just afraid, her broken heart reminded her that it didn’t matter. He could have been afraid and supported her at the same time. He could have let her share her dream, her hopes. Instead it was all about Maddox Paul.

Anger filled her up every time she thought of that last conversation. She’d trusted him. She’d handed over her heart and trusted he’d be good to it. Was this what he did to Marissa?

No. She wasn’t going to go there. That bitch didn’t make the situation easier.

She thought she had a partner in Maddox. She thought he understood what the past couple years had been like, that he understood she had bigger dreams that making just making corporate websites. She thought he knew her.

She’d been wrong.

Cass let a shot of tequila burn down her throat before pouring some into her juice.

Her phone buzzed.

Fuck you, Maddox Paul.
She wasn’t about to respond. She couldn’t yet. She had nothing nice to say, and she didn’t have it in her to fight with him. This was supposed to be a happy time for her, and he’d clouded it with his negativity.

Three heavy knocks on the door startled her out of her anger fueled space out.

She crept over to the door, and peeked out the peephole.

Maddox.

Shit. She pulled back, sipping her tequila concoction. If she was really quiet…

“Cass. I know you’re in there,” his baritone voice was muffled by the door.

Her heart sped up and her breathing quickened as she backed away from it, shaking her head. Tears threatened to spill over as she heard, “Please, Cass. Please let me in.”

She hiccuped, trying to hold back the sob as the sound of him sliding along the door to the ground pierced her heart.

“Please.”

She stepped to the door, pressing her forehead to the cool wood. “Maddox, go away.”

“Please, Cass. I can’t- You can’t- Fuck. I love you so much. Please.”

There was no hiccuping anymore, now she was full blown sobbing.

“I know I hurt you. I know I broke your heart. Please. Please talk to me.”

He had hurt her. So much. So very much. She wanted to punish him. Make him sit out there all night. Beg and plead for her forgiveness. She wanted him to feel the pain she’d felt when he shit on her dream. She did. Didn’t she?

“Please,” his voice barely audible.

“Fuck,” she sighed and turned the locks.

Maddox scrambled to his feet, his red-rimmed eyes wide with shock. The joy in his eyes fleeting as he met her hard stare.

“Come in,” she said coldly, and it took everything for her to not slam the door behind her.

Maddox stood awkwardly in the middle of her living room, staring at her with an appropriate mix of fear and self-incrimination. He looked like shit, and part of her reveled in it. Besides the red-rimmed eyes, he had dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t stand like the confident man she knew him to be, instead he bore a weight on his shoulders. His skin was pale, and she was sure he wasn’t eating right. Hell, she knew he wasn’t taking care of himself. Lo had already told her this.

Lo hadn’t hid the fact that Maddox was a mess after he’d found out she’d removed herself from his life. She’d shared the conversation they’d had in her living room, and while Lo by no means defended Maddox, she’d described in detail the ways he was showing his suffering. From his angry outbursts at the office to his obvious lack of sleep and appetite, Lo reminded Cass that the pain wasn’t all hers to bear.

Good.

Maybe it was time for Maddox Paul not to be the center of her universe. Maybe this was her opportunity to finally let him go.

He’d woven himself through her heart, her psyche, her life in such a way that she couldn’t seem to extricate herself from the knot that was threatening to strangle her. She knew she was getting in too deep, that she had given him too much of herself, and now what? Now she paid the price. This was exactly why she was better off alone, stoking the flames of her little crush. Instead she had no idea how to repair the destruction he’d left behind, because she wasn’t sure he was done yet.

She stepped around him and poured even more tequila in her glass, letting the physical burn of the alcohol as it razed her throat distract from the lump threatening to tear it apart.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice coarse. She gritted her teeth. Part of her wanted to walk over there, put her arms around him and make it okay. But what would that do? Make it okay for him? She couldn’t do that and be honest with herself or him. She couldn’t rescue him from this one.

So she took another swig of her drink. She knew she should stop. Her eyes were getting glassy. She was heading into tipsy-land, and with the amount of alcohol in her glass, she’d be heading into the city of drunk soon. That meant bad decisions.

She set the drink back down.

“I’m sorry, Cass,” Maddox stepped toward her, reaching his hand out.

Oh, hell no. He wasn’t touching her.

She stepped out of the way.

“Cass, please.”

“Stop, Maddox,” she demanded, her tone sharp. “What do you want?”

“You, Cass. I want you,” he pleaded.

“Do you really?” she asked, sarcasm lacing her question.

“You know I do! Dammit! You’ve always been there for me. I can’t do this without you. I need you with me. I miss the way you’re always there, how you’ve always cared. You’re-”

“Your what? Your biggest supporter? The girl who makes you feel better? The girl who make you laugh, tells you stories, keeps you entertained at night? Great. That’s great. I’m glad I could be all those things to you, Maddox. But tell me…what’s in it for me?”

There. That was it, wasn’t it? She’d given him so much of herself. She was always there for him when he called. She’d gotten him through relationship after relationship. She’d cheered him on as he built his career. When he felt bad, she cheered him up. When he was sick, she brought him soup. When he needed a friend, she was right there. And when he needed a girlfriend, well, she’d handed over her heart. She’d kept giving and giving, and the moment she’d needed him, when it meant her taking a small leap for herself, he couldn’t let her have it. It always came back to her making a sacrifice for Maddox Paul, and she was tired of it.

Maddox’s forehead wrinkled, “What?”

“What’s in it for me, Mad? I mean, sure, I get a warm body in bed and a few orgasms, but what do I really have? Where’s my support? Where’s my cheerleader? Where’s the person willing to let me spread my wings? Where is he, Maddox, because it sure as shit isn’t you.”

Maddox fell back as if she’d punched him in the gut, and his confused expression turned to stone. She braced herself, because she knew that look. She’d thrown down a pretty big gauntlet, and she was fairly sure he was ready to fight now. There wasn’t any pleading in his eyes. They were steel and stone.

“Well, that’s it then?”

“That’s what?”

“You’ve just decided it’s over. That this isn’t worth fighting for. That I’m just a piece of shit like the ones that came before me?”

Cass wouldn’t blink. If she blinked, she was sure tears would fall, because no, he wasn’t like the ones who came before him. “No, you’re worse.”

“Excuse me? How can you say that? How can you possibly believe I’m worse than the guy that cheated on you? That the bad kisser? Than the one who was married and didn’t tell you? How can I be worse than the one who called you fat all the time? Are you kidding?”

“Dammit, Maddox! Of course they were awful. Of course they hurt me or disappointed me. But not like this. I didn’t love them. I knew they were shitty, and I walked away. I got over it, because they were the type of guys you get over. They didn’t consume me before crushing my heart. They didn’t weave their way into my everything to a point where they’d leave utter destruction in their wakes. They didn’t ruin me…you did.”

And then the tears fell. He
had
ruined her. She couldn’t imagine a day when she’d fall in love with another man. She didn’t want to. They’d never be Maddox. They’d always be fine. They’d always be decent enough. He’d completely stolen her heart, and as much as he crushed it, it would always belong to him.

But it didn’t matter that he held her heart hostage. She couldn’t be with him, not if he kept her from living her dream. Love shouldn’t be like that. It wasn’t supposed to be that selfish. So maybe she’d go through the rest of her life hung up on Maddox Paul, but she’d know it was her life and hers alone.

“
T
hey didn’t ruin me
…you did.”

The words stabbed him in the heart. He’d ruined her. Pain lanced through him as he watched tears stream down her cheeks. He’d done this to her. He hadn’t just hurt her, he’d destroyed her.

Oh, god. Fuck. What the hell was wrong with him?

The anger that had steeled him faded. “I’m an asshole, aren’t I?” he admitted, staring at his feet. He knew the answer, and he couldn’t look at her when she said it.

“No, Maddox. You’re not,” she sighed, leaning back against the breakfast bar.

What? Yes, he was. His eyes popped up to meet hers, but she’d closed them as she leaned her head back. Damn, her throat was gorgeous. So vulnerable, and his heart ached with the idea that he may never run his lips down it, that he’d never get to hear that little moan she’d make when he did. Hurt piled on top of the pain that sharpened with every passing moment.

“You never were. You’re just you. You’re a sun, Maddox Paul. Everyone and everything revolves around you. You don’t demand it, it just happens like it’s the most natural thing in the world. People can’t help themselves around you, me included. We want to be part of your world. We want to matter to you. But when you’re the center of everything, it’s hard to leave that behind. I get that I’ve always put you first and never demanded anything in return. I get that I set the expectations, and now I’m changing them. I get that you’re used to me always being there, always being where you want me to be when you need me to be there, and I know that this choice I made threatened that for you. It’s just who you are.”

“Is that really how you see me? That selfish and self-absorbed?” he backed even further away as if he could distance himself physically from the ugly picture she’d just painted of him.

“You are who you are. I know this. I know that you’ll always look out for you first, no matter how much you love me. So maybe I shouldn’t be this angry. Maybe I shouldn’t be this hurt. I should have expected this. I should have known better that no matter how much love you have for me, I’d never be enough for you to put me first.”

He couldn’t breathe.

It always—always—came down to this. He was always that guy who didn’t give enough of himself to a woman. He’d thought Cass was different. He thought she loved him as he was. But she hadn’t. She was like all the rest of them—expecting, demanding-

“Maybe I just fell for the illusion,” she continued, as if she hadn’t noticed how her words were slowly killing him. “I know you have a hard time letting go. I do. I’ve seen how you react to people walking away from you. It never goes well. I don’t know why I thought you’d be any different with me. Maybe I just got caught up in you saying you loved me. Maybe, for just this once, I thought I mattered enough to you for you to see my dream. My hopes. Maybe I thought I was different than Marissa and all the bimbos that followed. I let myself fall for this idea that you saw me for who I was. I mean, you worked through all my bullshit, so I thought we were solid. Impenetrable. When you didn’t cave to the partners, I thought…I let myself believe, and then…”

She choked and turned away, her knuckles white as they grabbed the countertop. Her back heaved with a sob.

He couldn’t help himself. No matter how much pain she was inflicting, he couldn’t let her do this. He didn’t want her to cry, and it was killing him that he was the cause of her pain. So he did what he shouldn’t do, and he crossed the room, wrapping his arms around her.

“Don’t,” she protested, but melted into his embrace. Her back warm against him, molding her body into his. He rested his cheek against the back of her head, the smell of her vanilla shampoo filling his nose.

“I’m sorry, Cass. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it. I’m a selfish bastard. I know I should’ve supported you. I know what this means to you, what it could be, and all I could see was you leaving me. All I could see was an empty void in my life. I’m sorry. Fuck. No, that’s not enough. I know the words aren’t enough. I do. But all I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I want to be your cheerleader. I want to bring you NyQuil and ginger ale when you’re feeling sick. I want to be that guy.”

And that’s when the slight sniffle became full sobs, and she sank in his arms, her legs giving out. He lifted her and carried her to the couch, cradling her in his arms. When her sobs subsided, he lifted her chin to look her in the eyes.

“I’m so sorry. I am. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I’m sorry it took me so long to see it. I’m sorry I’m an asshole. I just- Cass, I can’t lose you. I can’t. I don’t think you get it. You’re
my
sun. My world revolves around
you
, and if you leave me, I’m lost. That’s why I freaked out. And I don’t want that to change. I don’t want anyone else to be that center of my world. I want it to be you. Only you.”

He meant it. The idea of her leaving him shredded his insides. He’d been miserable without her, but he had to give her this, even if it killed him. “If you really feel this way-“ he swallowed what felt like a hundred razorblades. “If you really want me to leave. To end this-“

He was never going to get through this. Damn. He didn’t want to say it. But he had to. For her. He had to let her make the choice.

“If you want to end this, I’ll leave. I swear. I’ll abide by your wishes. Because I love you, and no matter what- I’ll always love you.”

He pressed his forehead to hers, cupping her wet cheek in his hand. The pause was killing him. The tears stopped, but she didn’t move. What was she thinking? This wasn’t good. Not at all. She was going to leave him, and he wasn’t sure he’d recover from this one. She was so entrenched in his heart, and he knew she’d scar him forever if she walked away. He’d be useless for another woman. Hell, the idea of another woman besides Cass made him sick. This was it. His heart raced and his face tightened with the sting of what was to come.

But the sharp sting never came. Instead, her soft lips brushed his, testing at first. It took him a second to decide if what he was feeling was real. Was he just imagining her lips as a way to deal with the impending doom? But as they became more sure and demanding, he decided it was most certainly real, and pressed into her.

His tongue met hers in a slow, languid rhythm, testing and hesitant. He didn’t want to push too far, too fast. His heart ached with the idea that this wasn’t a forgiving kiss, but one of goodbye. His pulsed raced and his mind swirled.

“Mad,” Cass sighed, pushing him away. Her eyes staring at his chest.

Oh, God. It was happening. His muscles locked and his breath caught in his chest. She was going to tell him it was over. Really over. Not just “I need space,” but permanent.

He was so stupid. Who would have thought so many years ago that the woman who joked with him, that he saw as nothing more than a friend for years, would come to mean this much to him? That she’d be the one he couldn’t live without. That this spunky, little brunette would be the one who possessed him, body and soul. He never thought he could feel this strongly about one person, and he’d given up that dream for what?. How much time he’d wasted. He should have proven to her every single damn day that she mattered. He should have given her the stars. He was such an idiot. He deserved to be alone. He definitely didn’t deserve this wonderful, talented woman.

Tears burned his eyes, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“We need to talk…”