All My Fault: The True Story of a Sadistic Father and a Little Girl Left Destroyed (20 page)

It would have been funny except for the fact I was in such pain. I hadn’t been on heroin or methadone so I couldn’t understand why I was in so much pain. But it was explained to me that tranquillisers were one of the hardest drugs to detox from, and had the same chemical withdrawals as heroin and methadone. I only took drugs to feel normal—not to get high—this was not fair. The pain went on for hours and I vomited into the night.

Normally monks are not allowed touch women, they cannot even hold their hands, but the medicine man can make exceptions. He spent hours massaging my head and neck while I was screaming for my morphine. He kept giving me disgusting herbal drinks, while his assistant did reflexology on my feet.

After a final bout of vomiting, I turned to thank him. The kindness, time, effort and energy he put into me was completely unselfish and it was something he did not have to do. I will never forget his words to me.

‘Audrey, you are a very good person, that is why I am helping you through your pain. If I did not feel good energy from you, I would not help you.’

I believed him. He was so respected and I felt great he thought so highly of me. These people lived on a higher spiritual level than anyone I knew, and I figured he was getting good vibes from me. I was really flattered.

The next day it was the medicine man who gave the hour of vomiting. I learnt he had been a major drug lord, who had been a big drug dealer in his day, over 20 years ago. But he changed and studied herbs instead and turned his life around. He still had all the tribal gang tattoos, as well as the coolest strut you ever saw in a monk. I will never forget him. He taught me how to deal with my migraines and made me feel like a good human being.

During the next seven days I cried and truly hated the place, but I knew it was doing me good. After the seventh day I was allowed to make a phone call to my children. This was so emotional for me as I missed them desperately. I was doing this detox as much for them as I was for me, though, and I knew it was important for us all for me to be free of all drugs—prescribed and unprescribed.

I made many friends and stuck the routine for another week, but this time I was doing the singing and dancing and watching and helping others go through detox. I had not had a cigarette since I got on the plane in Dublin. Although you were allowed smoke in the compound, I chose to use this opportunity to give up for my children.

I checked out of Thamkrabok Monastery on my own after two weeks, having completed the detox. I spent a few days in a hotel four kilometres away from the monastery. It felt brilliant to have a soft bed, decent food and freedom.

Then I joined my new friends from the compound and we all spent a lovely few days in Bangkok. We were all clean and supporting each other. I knew though that I was going to be successful because I had already done a lot of work on myself before I came off drugs. I was also determined to continue counselling with the Rian group for another two years at least.

It was great to experience Thailand. I loved the tuk tuk taxis and the shopping; the cost of everything was so cheap. It is definitely a country of smiles and love. I want to go back with my children some day.

I arrived home tired—and I have to admit—scared. I was three weeks off drugs and had to face the world at home through different eyes. I did not leave the house for a few days. When I encountered my first bit of hassle since coming home, I said how can I deal with this without my tablets?

*

But I did. Yes, I am feeling pain stronger than I did when I was taking tablets, but I am learning to live in the present, as I was taught in the monastery.

Feel the pain, accept it and let it go. I am doing that. I am also feeling joy, though; much stronger than I ever felt. Love is more whole and I feel I am worth even more than I did after the court case. I always loved my children, now I am really enjoying them.

I know that life will continue to throw problems at me, but I’ve been dealing with my day to day problems without giving in to medication.

I feel complete and whole and I am even feeling the beginning of love; a wholesome type of love. I finally feel that I can love myself; that I am someone worth loving. I continue to meditate and my migraines are controllable and much less often.

I have much to thank the monks in Thamkrabok for. I need to thank them for their understanding, care and for showing me how to live again. I know the hard work starts at home and the rest is up to me. But I have learned and gained a lot from being there, even though it was hard.

The one, most wonderful thing that I got from Thamkrabok was the ability to fall asleep naturally. After seven days of doing everything they told me, with my arms numb and pumping, finally the physical pain stopped.

It was a magical feeling being able to fall asleep on my own. It was not that I just slept once; I slept every night and have slept ever since. Not only did I sleep but I woke up at proper times without feeling groggy. Having suffered years of tormented insomnia, this is unbelievable.

I had brought my daughter’s pillow from home, so I would feel close to the children, and I lay on the hard mattress and fell asleep. Night after night I slept for the first time in my life without any tossing and turning.

I had no head wrecking thoughts and no stiff tense muscles. On nights where I lay down and didn’t feel like sleeping because I was missing my children, I meditated. My body relaxed and I slept. I think it was the one gift no one has ever been able to give me. Before this, tablets were the only thing that ever worked and they left me feeling drowsy the next day.

In the evenings, I now have a natural and wonderful sleepy exhaustion. I have never ever had this and I treasure it.

*

In the past months since the court case I have become a more secure and confident person. It is not for everyone to go public in cases of abuse, but I felt that I could handle it and that the pros would outweigh the cons. I have finally let go and I no longer bear any grudges or ill feelings.

I always said that if I could save just one child or help one hurt adult then the court case would have been worth it. I now have records of countless people who have benefited from my going public.

It is so important to report a crime against children if you know of one. It has a knock-on effect, and often gives others the courage to do the same. By hiding the crime you are covering up for the paedophile. One paedophile can abuse hundreds of children in his lifetime, so by putting one away we are saving hundreds of children.

If everyone took the same attitude, we could save thousands of children. I want a child to have the confidence to walk into their home and report abuse the same way as they would if their computer game or mobile phone was stolen. Ask yourself which crime is worse, yet which is reported more often? A phone can be replaced.

In the weeks and months since the case, I have received letters from different people: from both close and distant friends wishing to express their admiration, and from victims I have never met, thanking me for making them feel like they are actually worth something after all. So many wonderful people, from all different age groups, thanking me for giving them hope.

This has reinforced the notion that I was right to confront my deepest fears, and I was right to confront my Da. I can rest easy at night knowing that he is no longer a danger to any child, and people will no longer leave him in a position of trust.

As I pen the last few lines of my story, I am feeling positive and living in the present. These days, the present is a nice place to be.

I chose to write this book to give confidence to others, to educate, and to fill a gap of understanding. To thank the gardaí, especially Peter Cooney, and to give back to the Rian group for what they have done for me.

Children are beautiful and innocent. We need to stand up for them and take responsibility for them. We set the standards for them, so we should aim high.

I think all schools should have a counsellor to deal with children’s problems, no matter how small they appear to the adult. They are the only ones who can tell us what is going on in their lives.

The more we can talk about things openly, the more they will have the trust in us to confide. We laugh about toilet habits in our house. It’s a great way of allowing kids to talk freely about their private parts. I trust my children are educated enough to tell me anything. I also feel confident that they know what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. But I know they are still only children and can be overpowered.

I have grown and become a more secure and independent person. I hold no grudges or ill feelings; I have at last let go. I still deal with the phobias and that will take a bit of time, but we all have burdens. I have total faith in Life to guide me in everything I do.

Epilogue

I am nearly three years down the road now and I have discovered that alcohol is also a drug, just a legal one. I did not take a Sajja against alcohol, but common sense told me addiction is addiction and any mind-altering substances do the same amount of harm. Thankfully I have never taken a drug since the monastery. I do, however, admit to smoking for two weeks during a stressful situation but I immediately got my head around it and gave them up again.

I have discovered that my positive way of looking at life is very much a Buddhist way, so I am studying and learning Buddhism and its gentle, compassionate, non-judgemental way of life and it suits me beautifully. I try my best to practise it and teach my children the same.

I got involved with ‘Friends of Thamkrabok Monastery’ in Google groups, an internet-based support group for anyone thinking of going to the monastery. I give advice and care along with many others who have been.

Since the Irish edition of this book was first published, I have continuously received emails and letters from adults and children who have been abused, and my life has been sent down the path of changing and educating as many people in the system as I can. A huge honour connected to this happened the day before my 43
^rd
birthday when I was asked to do a speech at the National Counselling Service’s tenth annual conference ‘Transforming the Shadows’ in front of hundreds of trained professionals.

Part of my speech was to get the attitudes of professionals to change and work directly on the real issues. My mother had stood by my father, and she thought that after decades of abusing me and others he would be cured after approximately six weeks of counselling. I am very very concerned about this attitude. What frightens me most is the number of girls I had witnessed my father abuse. Over at least a ten-year period it ran into the hundreds.

Our court case only managed to get six brave ladies to testify alongside me. I have spent the last few years finding answers to why more of us are not speaking up and reacting. Here are some answers from individuals who have been abused by family or close friends, which I read out as part of my speech:

1.  My husband would murder him. They play golf on Sundays.

2.  My husband would blame me for our marriage problems.

3.  It would break my mother’s heart, she is old now.

4.  I went to the guards years ago but was told that the statute of limitations had run out and it was too long ago.

5.  I did go but the DPP turned me down and would not take on the case.

6.  I have a statement in the gardaí should anyone else come forward about the same person, I am not enough on my own.

7.  Audrey I had a statement in the gardaí in the Bridewell in relation to your dad, and it was only when I saw you on the news I wondered why I was not called. I contacted the gardaí and they said it was not on the system. Though they found my statement. I was informed I cannot take a case now.

8.  Stigma, I could not live with the stigma. Abuse victims abuse, everyone believes that, I wanted to be a nurse.

9.  I was told by my family not to put that good man down. How dare I make such accusations.

10.  I was told no man would ever want me by my mother, I was damaged goods so keep quiet.

11.  I was not believed. I did tell.

12.  It was my fault I never said no.

13.  My father depended on my abuser for his job so I was not allowed say anything though they did keep me away from him.

14.  I was told it was his way of loving me. There was no harm.

15.  I had no evidence.

16.  My mother threatened to commit suicide if I did tell anyone.

17.  I was emotionally blackmailed, in speaking out I would hurt many instead of just the one, me.

18.  I have not been able to say the words out loud to anyone.

19.  I did go to counselling and my counsellor asked me did I have any feelings sexually towards children. I don’t I swear, I never have. I never went back to counselling as I felt the lowest of scum for being asked such a question. I have never spoke about it to anyone till you Audrey.

20.  My sisters said it didn’t happen to them so therefore they maintained it didn’t happen to me.

21.  I love my dad. I hate what he did. But I could not put him away. I emigrated so he cannot come near my children.

22.  I said nothing, I thought it was just me that was the bad one, now my three-year-old daughter has told me she was abused by her granddad. What do I do now? I did this to her. I am to blame. I really thought it was me and not him.

23.  When I was younger he said he would kill my little brother. I am older now but the fear of him hurting someone I love if I said anything haunts me.