All New People (4 page)

Kim
      Are you upset about the fire?

Charlie
      The what, now?

Kim
      Are you upset about the fire that he just put out.

Charlie
      There was no fire.

Myron
      Eh, eh, eh . . . What he means is, to call it a fire would be an understatement. It was more like a mini holocaust.

Kim
      Oh. Where are all the other firemen?

Charlie
      Yes, where are all the other firemen?

Myron
      Dead.

Emma
      Dead?

Myron
      Dead.

Charlie
      Dead?

Myron
      Dead. She claimed them all.

Kim
      You guys are fucking with me.

Myron
      Not yet, but we're looking forward to that.

Charlie
      Listen, thanks for coming all the way down here, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Kim
      I just let the car service go. And it was a three-hour drive. If you don't want me here, how am I supposed to get home?

Myron
      I can give you a lift.

Kim
      In the fire truck.

Myron
      Of course.

Charlie
      It's a great idea; why don't we get that going right now . . .

Emma
      But Myron; shouldn't you be grieving over all those dead men?

Myron
      You know it really hasn't hit me yet. I imagine sometime tomorrow I'll throw on a little Sarah McLachlan and weep in the fetal position. But for now I just wanna be here with my close friends. Emma, Larry –

Charlie
      Charlie.

Myron
      Charlie. And you: our new friend, Kim. Would you mind closing that door, Larry? It's freezing outside.

Kim
      Listen, Charlie. Kevin bought me for you for the whole night, so I can't leave. I'm all yours. And you can do whatever you want to me, but between you and I, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from my asshole.

Emma
      Myron, could I have my Canadian anti-depressants now? I'm beginning to feel a downward spiral coming on.

Kim
      Ooh what are you on? I take Celexa, Darvocet and the occasional Wellbutrin for smoking.

She lights a cigarette.
Myron
tosses a bottle of pills to
Emma
.

Emma
      Mine don't really have a name. I'm an illegal alien, so I have to take what I can afford from our neighbor to the north. These ones are just labeled ‘Happier'. I can't afford ‘Happiest'.

Kim
      It's funny, I would never have guessed you were Mexican.

They all stare at her.

Emma
      Excuse me?

Kim
      Your accent sounds so British like Madonna's or Gwyneth Paltrow. But you said you're an illegal alien, right? Aren't you guys from Mexico?

No one's quite sure how to respond . . .

Emma
      You know, I'm continually surprised by the quality of the American public school system.

Kim
      Tell me about it. In my high school yearbook I was voted ‘Most Likely to be a Good Mother'. What kind of bullshit is that? I can't even take care of my
Sims
. You know that video game? Well mine all died. I forgot to send those little fuckers to work and so they had no money to buy food so they starved and died. I cried. I actually cried when my
Sims
died. Those tiny bastards never had a chance.

Kim
toasts the heavens and shoots her tequila.
Myron
joins her, then fills her glass with more tequila.
Emma
and
Charlie
stare.

Charlie
      One can be an illegal alien from any country.

Myron
      Or planet.

Charlie
      Or planet, thanks. It just means you are in the country without permission from the government.

Kim
      Well then how come when they talk about it on the news they only show pictures of Mexicans?

Emma
      Well, they do seem to get caught a bit more often than the rest of us.

Kim
      Maybe it's cause they're brown; easier to spot in a crowd. Racism, I guess.

Myron
      You're so wise.

Kim
      I'm going to college on the internet. (
Beat
.) I'm studying feelings.

Myron
      I have those.

Kim
      So if you're here illegally why don't you travel back to your homeland?

Emma
(
flustered
)      Well I . . . left England . . .

Myron
      Emma's an American trapped in a Brit's body. This is her home now.

Kim
(
re: the house
)      It's so nice.

Emma
      No, not this particular home. He meant the nation.

Kim
      Oh. Got it. Well . . . welcome.

Charlie
      Yes, well I'm very happy you've all made yourselves at home
here
, but maybe you could move this whole shindig down to the firehouse. That could be fun, huh? Hey there's even a pole for
you
.

Emma
      We're not leaving you alone.

Myron
      I'm the one who's gonna have to come back and cut you down if you go through with it, so I might as well stay here and enjoy this stunning view of Manhattan we've acquired.

Emma
      Oh please, Myron, stop fawning; you're embarrassing yourself.

Myron
      Jealousy's a horrible color on you Emma. It's obvious that Kim and I have a connection. Neither one of us is gonna deny that.

Kim
      You're so sweet.

Charlie
      I guess I'm just gonna have to go and call the police then.

Myron
      Or if you want I could just call them on my radio and have them take you over to the Ocean County psych ward. That's what we're supposed to do . . .

Myron
pours whiskey all around.

Kim
      Why would you wanna be left alone, Charlie? Don't you like company? I'm relatively new at this, but you're the first person to turn down my services. Do you prefer penises?

Charlie
      No.

Kim
      It's OK if you do.

Charlie
      I'm not gay.

Kim
      Look I'm not dirty. I don't have any STD's or anything. I thought I had crabs once, but it turned out it was just scabies.

Charlie
      What are scabies?

Kim
      They're like these tiny microscopic bugs that crawl under your skin and take tiny microscopic shits. Your skin is allergic to their tiny shits, so you start to itch and get rashes all over.

Myron
      The sun is slowly setting on my view.

Emma
      So you caught this, the microscopic insect shit, you caught this from a customer.

Kim
      Yes and no. He wanted to fuck me in a sandbox. Twisted guy. You wouldn't believe what he paid me to fuck him in a sandbox in a playground down by the Irish Famine Memorial. Turns out that's where they love to live. That's why little kids get scabies all the time.

Myron
      Because they fuck in sandboxes?

Kim
      No. Because they
play
in sandboxes. And that's where scabies like to live. So I go to the doctor and I'm like ‘What's with all these itchy bumps; do I have crabs?' So he tells me to pull down my pants.

Myron
      I shoulda gone to med-school.

Kim
      He takes a really close look at my pussy . . . and says –

Myron
      ‘Houston, we have a problem . . .'

Kim
      No. He says, ‘Don't worry, it's not crabs, it's just scabies.'

Emma
      How do you kill scabies?

Kim
      There's a lotion. You have to rub it all over your body and clean all your clothes and sheets. But I couldn't help but feel really bad for the guy. I mean apparently scabies spread like wild fire.

Myron
      I can confirm as a fireman that wildfires spread very quickly.

Charlie
      He must have given it to his wife and kids.

Emma
      Well I'm sure the scabies were happy, they got to hitch a ride on those kids right back to the sandbox.

Kim
      Anyway, the point is, Charlie . . .

Charlie
      Yes, what was the point?

Kim
      The point is that I'm clean. Kevin has been very good to me and helped me out a lot, so I don't want to let him down.

Charlie
      How exactly has Kevin been good to you?

Suddenly the scrim panels slide in and cover the proscenium of the entire stage. A pre-shot video flickers to life on the scrim. We are in Kevin O'Donnell's very expensive New York loft. Expensive art adorns the walls.
Kevin
and
Kim
have just finished fucking.

Kevin
      Oh fuck! Fuck!

Kim
      Fuck. Stupid condoms.

Kevin
      Oh my God, I just came in a prostitute. Do you have AIDS?! Please tell me you don't have AIDS!

Kim
      OK calm down! I don't have AIDS.

Kevin
      Well you're on the pill right?

Kim
      Hell no!

Kevin
      Hell no? How could you say ‘hell, no'? You're a prostitute! It seems like a relatively important business expenditure for someone who fucks strangers for money.

Kim
      I just don't like to put weird chemicals in my body.

Kevin
      You put strangers' cocks inside your body?! How could you possibly draw the line at concentrated estrogen?!

Kim
      Those pills are so bad for you.

Kevin
      And so is stranger-cock, but you don't seem to have a problem taking that!

Kim
      You're not being very nice.

Kevin
      You're just gonna have to take ‘the morning after pill'.

Kim
      Maybe.

Kevin
      No. No maybe! I just came inside of you. I cannot get you pregnant! My wife's already pregnant!

Kim
      Will you help me pay for my demo?

Kevin
      What?!

Kim
      My music demo. Haven't you listened to me all day? I told you I'm trying to get my music career going and I need a little extra cash to pay for a demo.

Kevin
      Oh my God, you're blackmailing me? This is horrible. From orgasm to blackmail in less than thirty seconds; that has to be a record.

Kim
      I'm not blackmailing you. I'm just offering up a swap; demo for abortion.

Kevin
      It's not an abortion! How is it an abortion?! I just came ten seconds ago! Nothing's been fertilized!

Kim
      Well that depends on who you ask. Sarah Palin would probably say it's an abortion.

Kevin
      Jesus Christ.

Kim
      Just think of it as supporting the arts.

Kevin
      Look around you; I already support the arts. My art dealer just talked me into spending a quarter million dollars on some bullshit piece of African art. I threw it into my beach house. It's made up of hundreds of these little beads. It looks like a homeless person's abacus. (
Beat
.) How much is a demo?

Kim
      Fifty thousand will work.

Kevin
      To sing into a microphone?! I'll buy you a fucking karaoke machine.

Kim
      No! I need to work with this producer ‘DJ Cracker Hater'. I met him in Atlantic City and he really understands what I'm going for.

Kevin
      If he hates crackers, why does he want to work with you?

Kim
      What the hell do I have to do with him not liking crackers? I'm not a fucking Pringle.

Kevin
      ‘Cracker' is a derogatory name for white people. He hates white people.

Kim
      He doesn't hate white people. That's just his alias. He's Jewish. I know cause I fucked him last shabbas. I remember cause I had to turn the lights off; he's not allowed to operate a light switch on the sabbath.